an:/ so, thank the internet gods. My laptop is off pushing up the electronic daises at this point and I lost... many many things. But I've got all this nonsense backed up on googledocs. So, have some story.

I know my updates are few are far between. And I have my doubts that any of these are going to be what should be considered 'worth the wait' but hey, have a few little bits of fluff from Nick's pov to kind of soften the fact that The BoyWho is not exactly in a happy place right now, and please, also take my quiet promises that this whole nonsense will have a happy ending to it. really really.

It really never was going to get any easier to say goodbye to Sam, and as Nick saw his friend getting slowly to his feet, holding out a hand to shake and smiling like a ghost, he realized he couldn't do it again. It would break him. And at this point putting on a blindfold and lighting up a last cigarette felt like less of a risk.

"You know what?" The words coming out of him in a rush. "No."

"...no?" Sam sounded small and uncertain, his hand still hanging in mid air.

"Fuck this."

"...fuck this?" Sam repeated in the same baffled way.

"Fuck the whole goddamned thing." He clarified and it felt stunning. "I thought I could go through with it- but I can't. So fuck it. If you're leaving then I'm getting a goodbye kiss. I've earned it." I was supposed to be bold, but really it was just terrifying, drawing a big old X over his heart so Sam would know where to shoot.

"Earned a kiss?" Sam's eyes had gone wide and he took a small step back. "Nick, I-I don't-"

"Look, I'm not going to end the most meaningful relationship of my life with a fucking handshake." He cut the younger man off. Panicking. Trying to keep things even slightly under his own control. "Do you really think that, years from now, when you're all grown up with your perfect little wife, and your two point three kids, and your white picket fence, that it's going to matter to you how we said goodbye tonight? Because it won't, Sam. We both know that this is The End. You're leaving and it's just… it's done." Nope. He never really had that controll. It had been a poor illusion at best. "It ran its course, and it served its purpose and you could do a hell of a lot better than me in the friend, and boyfriend, category so you're not likely to be coming back around to-"

Train of thought shearing right off the tracks as Sam bit the words right from him in a rough kiss that was mostly teeth and stubble.

It was over a second later, but Nick was still reeling, breathless and shaking.

"For once, can you please shut up." Sam was still holding him by the shoulders, thumbs notching just below his collar bones. "Maybe just show me how much you're going to miss me instead."

Nick might have managed some kind of unintelligible whimper, words all together lost to him.

Frustration crossed over Sam's features and he rolled his eyes, throwing his hands up in surrender. "Oh, god damn it, Nick. Do you want your fucking goodbye kiss or not?"

Such a question.

"I… didn't think you were going to say yes." Not in a million years. This was Sam, and Nick hadn't been lying- Sam really could do better. Easily. For god's sake, he'd be better off with Gabriel than with Nick. And that was possibly the most insane thought that he'd had all night.

"I've got to go." Sam was shaking his head, talking to himself, already turning away.

"I need you to stay." Nick said a bit too quickly.

Sam just sighed, folding his arms over his chest and managing to look rather imposing. "I don't want to do this, Nick. It's not funny anymore."

Ah. There it was. An impressive killing blow.

"It's not even slightly funny." His voice broke and that was just fantastic. "I- oh god. Alright, you know what? This would be a hell of a lot easier if I wasn't so damn sober." Nick ran a shaking hand over his face, regretting his choices tonight. He'd had it all planned out and, like always, he'd found a beautiful way around those plans. Everything falling apart. "Sam… I- I want to do bad things to you."

It was the most honest that he'd been with himself in months.

"You're already the worst thing that's ever happened to me- I don't see how you could make it worse."

Nick felt like his strings had been cut. Useless, just going ragdoll limp and looking up at the ceiling. Why had he thought that he could do this? Why did he think that this one time he'd manage something that had been so far beyond his grasp for months.

"This is ...actually going pretty much the exact way that I thought it would." He informed the ceiling, which had never once giving him any help at all.

"You thought I would make a complete ass of myself by kissing you again?"

"Jesus Fucking Christ. NO. I mean… I always kind of hoped you would, but I'm a realist and you're way out of my league… and straight… and … and why are you looking at me like that?"

Like for all the world that Nick had suddenly started speaking in tongues. This wild, confused expression. This was all new to him. How could he not know this? These were simple facts that should have been obvious to anyone at all who had met either of them.

Nick just kind of shrugged- not sure what else to do at this point.

But then Sam got this strange little smile, left side of his mouth hooking up in a strange, confused kind of smile- which didn't help to ease any of the strange tension.

"Nick… do you want your goodbye kiss or not?" Kind of whispered, oddly anticipating.

And well, even if he had wanted to, Nick couldn't have turned down such an offer. Taking a measured breath, gathering up what had to be the last reserves of his courage, he placed his hands over Sam's shoulders. Broad, strong shoulders. Muscles firm beneath Nick's fingers. Skin so warm as his fingers slipped up the chords of the younger man's neck, tangling in his hair.

It was so much simpler than it should have been to pull Sam down those last few little inches needed for their lips to meet, and Nick wished that he wasn't so nervous about it. It was a kiss… just a kiss. He'd done it before. He'd even done it with this guy right here before.

Having premission made it weird.

Nerve wracking. This was his only chance. His last one. He couldn't screw it up like he'd done each and every time before. Only this time he had no idea where to start.

He was a starving man, he'd found himself a buffet, and wasn't brave enough to pick what his first bite would be.

"...please?" Sam's breath ghosted over his lips, eyes closing.

So Nick kissed him. Nothing all that romantic, or special, or even all that good. But it was a first attempt. It got better. Rather quickly.

Sam's clumsy hands finding his hips, pulling the more interesting parts of their anatomy together as he moaned, completely shameless and utterly perfect. Nick had thought that he was leading this particular dance- but obviously not- and this was more than ok with him surprisingly. Needy kind of friction, curious and eager and not even halfway near gentle and all Nick could manage was to grin between kisses.