Chapter 4

I've known Chris Argent for years, and it's been a few months since I became his personal physician, sort of. The point is that I got to know him very well and there is something definitely off about him since we started training. At first I thought I was imagining it. Then I picked up on his apparently pretty intense sexual attraction to me, and for a while I thought that might be it. It was a shock, but it still didn't explain that nagging feeling that something is not right about him.

The lessons go on, and I'm grateful that Natalie started training with us because that cuts from the amount of time I spend being a disappointment to Chris. Oh, yes, and also the amount of pain. I am not getting any better. On top of my natural disinclination, I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with Chris, which makes me even less able to follow his instructions. Sometimes that's actually helpful because when I'm not actively concentrating on what I should do, my reactions are pretty lucky.

We're working on a new move and I'm so distracted, I forget what I'm supposed to be doing and for the first time in ages, he's the one hitting the ground.

"Oh God, are you ok?" I ask kneeling next to him.

I don't need to hear Natalie's gasp to know it was stupid. I'm getting ready for a scolding from Chris, but his reaction scares the hell out of me. He grabs me and pulls me to the ground.

"What did I tell you about pity? Until the fight is over, you do whatever the hell it takes to be sure that your opponent is incapacitated. Until the lesson is over, I AM THE ENEMY!"

He's on top of me and the intensity in his voice and the anger in his eyes scare me. He presses his body into me, and I realize he's honestly trying to hurt me. My wrists hurt where he's holding them. I already have bruises on my back from other falls which adds to the pain. I'm about to beg to be released when my knowledge of the human body signals a weakness. His beautiful blue irises are just two thin circles around his dilated black pupils. As a confirmation, I can feel something else growing in size and poking me in the belly. I forget to think and I react. I kiss him.

It feels so good I almost forget it was meant to be a distraction, and I want to spread my legs and welcome him. The arousal isn't strong enough to delete the fear I felt earlier, so I can still remember that I have to get away.

I move faster than I thought possible, and in a matter of seconds, I have the crossbow in my hand and I'm pointing it to his head. For a split second, the man looking up at me is like Chris Argent's evil twin. My heart is pounding and my fingers tremble. I am truly afraid and yet in that moment I realize that I wouldn't be able to kill him. Even before the Chris Argent I know wins whatever internal battle was going on, my fingers relax. I would not shoot. So when he, my friend and my knight, asks for my help to get up, I lower the crossbow and give him my hand.

It was another test.

"You just don't want to stay alive!" he says when he has me pressed against the wall, hand twisted around my back.

His breath is on my skin and his erection is brazenly poking me. I don't get the chance to decide whether I'm afraid or aroused because he lets me go.

"You have to decide if you want to be able to defend yourself. Really look inside and decide. It's nothing wrong if you don't do this. As long as you accept that you need to be protected."

He says this in one breath and leaves like a soap opera character.

"That was intense," Natalie says.

I flop down on a chair and if my mouth would be working, I'd be able to agree with her verbally instead of nodding like an idiot. We leave the basement in silence. I'm grateful that she's not trying to make conversation while I mechanically make us some coffee.

"He's right," I whisper after a while.

"He is NOT right," Natalie replies outraged. "Don't tell me that you're not going to do whatever it takes in a real fight."

"But I suck at this! You're so good at it, and I… just can't get my act together."

Natalie is looking at me, as if she's trying to decide what to do next.

"Listen, I don't want to overstep here… I don't know you that well but… There's something between you and Chris. And you're both ignoring it."

She's right.

Natalie left some time ago and I'm in the shower trying to get the sweat off my skin and the fog out of my mind. She's right though. There is something between us and it's making everything so difficult.

This needs to be cleared up immediately. I know it's late but I don't care. I'm going to talk to him. With the towel wrapped around me I go to the wardrobe to find something to wear. For some reason all my clothes remind me of Peter. Have I really not bought anything to wear for two years? I cannot go to Chris wearing something Peter took off me. I manage to find a dress and when I get to doing something about my hair I realize that my hands shake too much to be able to braid it.

I don't remember driving to his place. I don't remember knocking on his door. The evening seems to have zoomed from the moment he stormed out of my house to the moment when I accept a glass of whiskey in his study. I hear myself talking, trying to explain to this man trained to hunt that I cannot do what he's trying to teach me.

"Knowing our limitations and accepting them is a wise choice. I'm sorry I wasn't able to get rid of the threat already," he says.

He's being so nice about it. I have to interrupt him. I don't want him to use this to cut me away from the chance of making a difference.

"I still want to help however else I can. You will find and neutralize this threat, I'm sure. But we both know the beacon is still active. Others will come. Please, Chris, you have to let me help you."

He seems shocked, and he says ok but I can feel he's just humoring me.

"I trust you. I'll do what you ask, when you ask it. I trust you even now, when I know you're keeping something from me. If you give me the chance to prove it to you, I will show you that you can trust me, too."

Apparently trust is a major issue for him. He speaks and I finally get a glimpse into his darkness.

"You ask for my trust… I trusted my father who raised me to obey the Code and my trust made me blind to his actions. To his choice to break that very code to an extent I could not have imagined… I trusted my wife to make the hard choices for us. And she chose to die after she made the choice to kill an innocent. When she chose to die, I was unable to find another solution… I trusted my sister, and she killed innocents. She lied to me for years. And when she was changed, she was so far gone into darkness, she did not choose to die."

It hurts to listen to him. Hurts to see how much he lost. Hurts to hear him say that he can't be trusted.

"…speaking from experience, you should be careful putting your trust in anyone. Even me."

"If I don't trust you… I'd have to give up hope," I tell him.

He has to understand how much he means to me. How important he is. How good he is.

"I know people. I saw you fight. You stood up for what was right even when it was against orders. Against your training. You followed your soul."

My palm is on his chest. The beating of his heart is strong and steady. I can't help the comparison. The last man I touched like that… Peter's heart never beat so loudly. I am ashamed to have spared that monster even a thought in Chris's presence. Ashamed to think about Peter. I didn't come here for sex. I didn't. I swear I didn't. I'm trying to tell myself this but it doesn't matter anymore. He looks at me and shows me the lust he accidentally let me see earlier during training. We are alone now. I find no resources to push away the want.

He is touching me. It's a mix of lust and reverence. I am unworthy. I am tainted. I try to push him away but the kiss takes away any power I might have. I am lost.