Looking down at the worn scrap of paper in his hands, half hard, and still shaking so badly from a sickening mix of emotions that were frankly choking him, Nick had no idea what he was doing to himself. Sam had left- not like he'd asked the guy to the first time around. But he'd gone to go get cleaned up. Apparently determined to stay and drag them both through some kind of emotional hell that frankly, the older man was not up to.

It would all be so much easier if they didn't like eachother so much. If they didn't love- eck. It wasn't a train of thought that he was prepared to follow. Not now. Not later. Telling Sam off the first time around had been hard enough. When the guy had just shown up in his studio to watch him paint. Months later, Nick had thought that maybe, just maybe he could come back to this a bit more emotionally prepared, guarded, stronger. And then they'd ended up yelling at eachother and making out on one of the chairs.

So no. No he wasn't ready.

But now Sam wasn't leaving.

Sam was naked… in the shower just down the hall. With apparently no intention of leaving Nick alone tonight to try and recover from all the things that he hadn't meant to say or share or do.

It would be ok though.

They would be ok.

They were just going to watch a movie, like they used to. Simple. Detached. Easy like everything between them used to be. Like Nick hadn't basically just told the other man that there had been a rocky time a few months back when he'd wanted to marry Sam's big dumb face and live happily every after.

They could get past it.

Movie tonight, just being close and pretending that there wasn't anything else going on between them- and then Nick could take a few more months to try and build up a more unbreachable wall around himself where he could be safe from this man and his kind eyes and gentle hands. His rough mouth.

Nick touched his own lips, wondering if they would be bruised tomorrow. They sure as hell felt like they would be. And that's just what he needed. A nice little reminder for the next few days as to the real damage that this man could do to him so very easily.

Which was by no ways a complaint, or a criticism. Nick only wished that he was corrupt enough to have let Sam keep going. For his own sake he'd had to tell him to stop. He pressed a hand to his mouth, remembering the exact way that Sam fit against him. Too fresh in his mind to even try to forget.

God, but he wished that he could just forget. Willful amnesia is what he needed right now.

Sadly though, it was not an option.

So instead he dragged himself up and tucked the little bit of paper, along with the ring, into the lining of his violin case before settling the delicate instrument back where it belonged.

He cleaned up. Not that he'd ever been all that big on house work, but it gave his hands something to do. Faintly, he could still hear the water running down the hall, and so in an effort to continue stalling for time, he ate a bit. After all, it would be a shame to just waste two perfectly good pizza- and having a small meal kept him from going and joining joining Sam in the shower. Which would have been a giant leap backwards at this point, and currently Nick needed very much to keep both feet firmly planted in the here and now.

But there was only so much stalling that he was going to be able to do, and eventually he ended up in his room, dressed in clean, comfortingly soft sleeping clothes, half curled up at the head of the bed with Netflix open on his tablet. Not that he was looking at the screen. Really more through it, just vaguely in the correct direction- because the water had turned off and there was only so long before he was going to have to face the deal that he'd agreed to.

It was just Sam. Unassuming, not in the least bit intimidating, Sam- and they'd done this many times before. Just sharing a bed. No expectations beyond having a communal space to sleep.

He heard a soft noise and looked up to see the other man filling the doorway, too big for his own skin sometimes. Awkward and uncertain. And shirtless. Very shirtless.

"You do know that lawyers aren't supposed to be build like you are… right?" His mouth felt dry, and Nick wasn't wholly aware of what he was even saying, just letting thoughts roll out as a way to distract himself. "They'll take one look at you and flunk you on the BAR exams on principle."

Sam smiled in a ghostly way, going through the motions because it's what they both expected. "You know, you've told me that before, but I think it'll work as a good intimidation tactic in the courtroom."

Nick tried to smile back, to meet the other man's eye and not just follow the smooth lines of those muscles of his, and the way that the dips below his hips had never seemed quite as inviting now that Nick had firmly decided that he was not allowed to touch them despite the obvious invitation to do just that.

"Is it really ethical for a lawyer to take his shirt off during his closing statements?" Or in another man's house for that matter? It certainly didn't feel fair.

"I don't think there are any rules against it."

There should be.

There should be a whole book of rules against this right here and a hundred other things that Sam was doing to him.

But Nick wouldn't want it any other way.

He enjoyed the misery of it. The futility of one last night together. And he found himself smiling.

"So, uh- what are we watching?"

Right now? "We're watching you and me make complete asses out of ourselves." Mostly Nick- but hey, he couldn't take all the credit for this.

Sam cracked a rather genuine smile that he quickly swallowed down to feign some kind of mock disappointment. "But I've already seen that one. Recently in fact."

An easy chuckle crept through Nick. Warming him from the inside out. It felt good to laugh, and he couldn't help it anyways, so he may as well enjoy it.

"You make me a complete mess." An uneasy finger turned off his tablet and he set it aside, making up his mind. "You know that?"

Edging into the room, Sam looked slightly more at ease. "I have it under some authority that you were this way long before I got to you."

The joking helped. Bleeding the tension out of them so cleanly.

This would be their last night together after all- at least for some time. And this realisation and this decision should have started dragging at him, weighing him down- but it didn't.

He felt oddly light.

Easy.

Why fight the inevitable anyways?

"Come here." He said in a way that felt more like a demand than a request, even if it were meant to be the latter.

A shadow of apprehension, a second guess, passed over Sam's face.

And Nick wanted none of it. If Sam was so determined to stay then he was going TO STAY. He didn't get to suddenly change his mind. They'd played that game for too long already to not just be honest and painfully straightforward with each other now. It was a right that they'd earned.

"If you're going to stay, then turn out the light." No more dragging his feet. "Close the door and get the fuck over here, Sam Winchester."

The room was plunged into almost a near perfect blackness with one flick of the light switch. Nick was a man who liked to sleep late, so he kept some heavy curtains on his windows and any light that the stars or street lights might have offered was snuffed out too easily. Somehow Sam found him, warm hand sliding against his own, their fingers locking together for just a heartbeat. Little pocket of heat between their palms.

It was such a simple gesture, but oddly intimate in an unexpected way, because Nick honestly couldn't say if they'd ever held hands before. He felt his resolve weakening. It hadn't been all that strong to begin with.

Before he could really bring his own actions into question, Nick found himself pulling Sam down onto the bed, half into his own lap- but then changing his mind and turning as he pushed the man down onto the bed. Feeling more than hearing the startled breath pushed out of him as Nick crawled over him. Pushing Sam's legs apart enough to press between them, hand sliding up the other man's shoulder, his neck neck, finding his mouth in the dark.

Sam tasted different than he had back in the kitchen. Cleaner, sharper. Hesitant. Like he was waiting for the spring in the trap to be triggered. Almost fearful. Which was wrong. This was the one place between them that Sam had never seemed all that shy or reluctant. There certainly hadn't been any indecision in him earlier in the kitchen.

Why now?

It didn't mean he wasn't kissing back like a promise. It just meant that as Nick broke the kiss to find a better angle, Sam breathed out his name in an uncertain way.

"Nick? Are we going to-"

He thumbed the younger man's mouth open wider, tracing the familiar line of his lower lip before bowing his head and following the path with his teeth. Slow, careful not to hurt, just enough pressure to silence the question.

They'd spent too much time yelling questions at each other already tonight. The answers hadn't been good ones. Nothing that either of them had wanted to hear.

This was better than talking.

This said a lot more than words anyways.

Sam's hands caught at him, shoulders, hips, finding a good hold as he tried to roll them. And that was more familiar. Aggressive and looking for the higher ground where he could have more control over the situation. Not tonight though. Nick was too afraid that whatever resolve he had would just melt away entirely if he lost his leverage. He had this terrible history of being weak where Sam was concerned.

He fought it back, fought down the desire to just let the man take every thing he wanted from him. They'd agreed back in the kitchen.

Sam was just staying the night because anything more was going to break the older man.

But here they were and Nick had to remind himself of the choices that he'd made. For better or worse.

And he'd only wanted a goodnight kiss.

He pushed Sam back down into the mattress and pressed their mouths together, a growl disguised as a kiss. Mostly teeth and a hint of threat that Sam did not seem interested in backing down from. Arching up into each touch, his body bowing from lips to his toes as he pushed up into Nick, like he couldn't get enough touch.

Wams hands pressed into Nick's back, fingers digging into the line of his spine, pulling him close, even as Sam's knees hooked up, notching over Nick's hips in an openly shameless kind of way that was fairly unraveling.

Closer than they'd been in months and Nick broke the kiss with a hiss of breath, foreheads bumping as he tried to remember why they both still had clothes on. They needed to slow down, to stop before they couldn't. Before he couldn't. Sam was on his own. Nick couldn't be held responsible for both of them.

With more self control than he thought he had left, Nick slid a hand into Sam's hair, tilting his head and kissing him so restrained and careful. Gentle, glancing kisses that were almost agonizingly soft and so slow it was hard to breathe. Everything in him focused on where their lips met, on the way that he could feel Sam smiling against him, easing into the gentleness with a contented sigh. Like this is what he'd been looking for all along, he'd just never even considered it an option.

Sam's hands slid beneath his shirt, drawing goosebumps along his skin despite the warmth of the summer nigh and their close confines. "I need you." He whispered into him like a prayer. "Please. Nick-"

"Don't." He pleaded with a surprising amount of emotion, startling himself then trying to hid behind another one of those slow, searching kisses that made him light headed.

And at least for a few minutes, Sam didn't. He didn't try to say anything else. He just kissed. Just touched Nick with those very apt hands of his. Digging into the tight muscles of his back and keeping him so very close.

They kissed until Nick's mouth hurt- which he hadn't even known was a possibility. He had to pull back, to hide his face in Sam's throat and just be. In the kitchen he'd had tasted like sea. Now he was all freshly scrubbed, hair still wet from the shower, the salt on his skin much cleaner and less intense than before.

Nick found himself licking the hollow of Sam's collarbone, the man's pulse hammering under his touch. And he worked a string of bruises into Sam's skin from the muscle of his shoulder to the soft spot behind his ear. Marking him one last time in a way that he knew he shouldn't.

But again-

Nick was rather weak where this man was concerned, and self control could only keep him on track for so long. It was the same as all those awful cravings for things that he knew were bad for him. And Sam was an addiction. Always had been. Practically from the moment that they'd met, and Nick had felt something inside of him resonate, saying 'This one. This one right here.' Singing through Nick's blood like a curse. He'd just never anticipated how dire it was going to get.

He pulled back, sitting up with his elbows on either side of Sam's head, wishing he could see the other man in the darkness, but still knowing that he was right there beneath him.

Would it be weird to say 'I love you' after the argument they'd had earlier? Nick was almost positive that he'd yelled it at Sam in anger at some point tonight, so saying it again now might just be considered overkill.

Blind, and clumsy, he bowed his head, gently brushing their noses together, enjoying the feeling of Sam's hands coming up to card through his hair.

"Nick-"

"You still aren't getting this whole shut up and kiss me thing that I'm going for, are you?"

Sam laughed, rich and warm as he slid an arm around the back of Nick's neck as fit their mouths back together. It was good to know that they could both still laugh about this even though Nick couldn't seem to find the humor.

Even that gave way after not too long though. Slow, satiated kisses between just lying there and sharing oxygen. Close enough to crawl into each other if they wished.

The wearying day they'd had finally catching up with them both.

Nick's head fit nicely against the indent between Sam's shoulder and pec. He could hear the man's heartbeat rather clearly from there. Could feel it actually, just as plainly as his own. He dragged his fingers through all that stupid hair of Sam's. Almost too long, but so very soft, and Nick couldn't imagine him any other way.

With a maddeningly relentless caress, lips were running over the wreck of scars down his wrist and forearm, Sam kissing at any skin he could still reach. Bless his heart.

And in a rather sleepy kind of way, Nick decided that he could just die here and it would be ok. This would be a perfect way to leave, with memories of being warm and wanted.

"I love you." Sam whispered in a horse kind of tone. "You know that. Right?"

If one of them was going to say it, it was probably best that it wasn't Nick- but even still. "Sam, don't."

Defiant as ever came the answer of "No. You have to say it."

But fuck that, because Nick didn't have to do anything. He was master of his own miserable destiny at this point. A destiny that didn't need to be anything more complicated or grand, or awe inspiring than curling more against Sam's side. Wrapping around the younger man like he wanted to pull him in under his skin.

"But you told me you wouldn't ever lie to me." His breaths came warm and forced against the too sensitive skin of Nick's wrist. "So… I love you." So brave. "And you know that. Right?"

Nick mumbled something that was less than a proper answer and was rewarded with a sharp bite- which hurt more than expected considering that he was still rather sunburned.

"I know you do." He heard a voice whisper, and it might have been his own. It undermined everything he'd been trying to get across to Sam tonight… but it was honest, and that's more than he'd thought he was capable of at this point.

Damned by his own declaration, Nick lay there as long as he could, clinging to the last threads of wakefulness, listening to Sam's heart beating. Already missing him so much it hurt.