CHAPTER TWENTY

Myra and her companions were among the first to return to Skyhold following the siege on Adamant Fortress.

"I'm going to check on Fennec," Myra told the group. Blackwall led her horse to the stable.

She found Fennec in the courtyard, playing with wooden swords with one of the children. They were so engrossed they did not notice her approach. With a sweeping gesture, Myra blasted the play-swords out of their hands.

"Hey!" Fennec whipped about, looking for the source of the disruption. When her gaze found Myra, her face lit up.

"Myra!" she cried, running to her arms. Myra knelt and caught her foster child, wrapping her up. "I missed you," Fennec mumbled into her.

Myra squeezed her. "I missed you too, my child."

"Didja win?"

"Who told you?"

"William, from my class."

"Yes, we won."

"I'm happy you're back."

"As am I."

They let go of one another. Fennec grabbed her hand and began to lead her to the stables.

"Everyone was gone," she said.

"We are back now."

"Cullen too?"

"Not yet. He is leading the troops."

"I hope he comes home soon." Fennec hopped down the steps that led to the lower courtyard. "I miss him."

Myra hopped down with her. "I'm certain he misses you too."

The Inquisitor requested updates on the army's progress to Skyhold often. Leliana's gaze began to twinkle as the days passed.

"Are you certain you make these requests for Fennec?" Leliana asked with a sly smile.

Myra flushed despite herself. "Of course, why else would I—?"

Leliana chuckled. "Forget I mentioned it."

But Myra could not forget how her mind conjured Cullen's image when her cheeks flushed, with his lopsided smile and hazel eyes that either blazed with passion or softened with care when he spoke. She fought to forget the nights they spent smoking from her pipe and talking through their insomnia, but she couldn't.

She was grateful the day he led the troops to Skyhold. Fennec ran to greet him and he hugged her.

"Welcome back, Commander," Myra said with a coy smile.

"Quite the welcome," he said. Something about him seemed off, though.

"Are you feeling alright?" Myra asked.

Cullen released Fennec. The child looked up at him, sharing in Myra's concern.

"Fine." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Just…need to find Cassandra. Excuse me."

He left for the armory. Myra and Fennec exchanged looks.

"I don't think he's fine," Fennec said slowly, drawing close to her foster mother.

Myra pet her hair. "I don't think so either." She patted the child towards the stables. "Why don't you play with the horses? I'll check on him."

"Good luck," Fennec said. She scurried off.

Myra headed to the armory. She could hear Cassandra and Cullen's yelling grow louder the closer she got.

"You asked for my opinion, and I've given it," Cassandra called. "Why would you expect it to change?"

"I expect you to keep your word," Cullen replied. "It's relentless. I can't—"

"You give yourself too little credit."

"If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this."

Myra entered the armory to see the Commander closing in on the Seeker, his features aggressive and taxed.

"Would you rather save face than admit—?"

The two backed away from each other upon Myra's approach. Cullen's anger evaporated, his features turning to despair.

"Forgive me," he murmured to her as he left the armory.

Cassandra rolled her eyes. "And people say I'm stubborn. This is ridiculous." She turned to Myra and crossed her arms. "Cullen told you that he's no longer taking lyrium?"

Myra nodded. "He's mentioned withdrawal before. I respect his decision."

"As do I. Not that he's willing to listen." She sighed. "Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him. I refused. It's not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him. He's come so far."

Myra nodded. "He's doing well. From what I've read, most Templars would have gone mad by now." She crossed her arms and sighed. "Is there any way we can change his mind?"

"If anyone could, it's you," Cassandra said.

"Me?"

"You are the Inquisitor, and more so, you are his friend. He is…" Cassandra closed her mouth quickly, as though the words caught on her tongue. "He respects you."

"And I respect him," Myra said. "Alright, Cass, if you think it will help, I'll talk to him."

Cassandra nodded. "Thank you."

Myra started for the door only to stop.

"Inquisitor."

She turned back around at Cassandra's beckon.

"About the other night—"

Myra's face twisted and she averted her gaze quickly. "Cass, I'm—"

"I hope you know—"

They both stopped and looked to each other in tacit understanding. Cassandra smiled a bit and Myra returned it.

"Thank you for being my friend," Myra said.

"And thank you for being mine."

With that, Myra left to the Commander's office.

Upon entering, she was greeted by a lyrium pipe hurled in her direction, shattering against the wall.

"Maker's breath! I didn't hear you enter! I—" Cullen leaned over his desk, crestfallen. "Forgive me."

"Cullen," Myra gently stepped around the shattered glass. "If you need to talk…"

"You don't have to—" He yelped and stumbled, catching himself on the corner of his desk. Myra rushed over to help him but he held out his hand, keeping her at arm's length. "I never meant for this to interfere."

"I know that." It pained her to see the Commander's expression so sullen.

"For whatever good it does," Cullen gave a wry chuckle. "Promises mean nothing if I cannot keep them."

Cullen shook his head and turned around towards the window behind him, hiding his weakness.

"When I was stationed in Ferelden's Circle," he began, "it was overrun by abominations. They killed the Templars—my friends—and tortured me, tried to break my mind. How can someone remain the same person after that?" Cullen rested his head against the stone, staring out the window. "Still, I wanted to serve, so I was transferred to Kirkwall. I trusted the Knight-Commander, only to have her fear of mages drive her to madness. Innocent people were slaughtered in the streets."

"Cullen," Myra grasped for his shoulder. "I understand—"

"No, you don't!" Cullen yelled.

"Yes, I do," Myra said. "To you, I am Inquisitor, but I am also an orphan and a widow, those closest to me stolen by shemlen." The word still felt dirty on her lips. She shook her head, ashamed at herself. "Years passed and I let my hatred control me. I understand what it's like to see the world in black-and-white only to have the two convoluted before your eyes."

"I believe you," Cullen said. "But I can't do this." He paced back and forth between his desk and the bookcase. "I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did to the Chantry. I should be taking it!" He punched the bookcase. "I should be taking it."

Myra grabbed his clenched fist and held it tight. "Don't."

"I can't." His eyes squeezed shut. "I can't."

"Forget the Inquisition, Cullen. Is lyrium what you want?" Myra asked.

He paused, sighed, then shook his head. "No…But…what if I can't?"

Myra unraveled his fist. "Look at me."

He obeyed. His hazel gaze met hers. They looked tired, bags sagging beneath them. The number of wrinkles from stress had only multiplied in his absence. But when he looked at her, something sparked inside that otherwise tired gaze. Life…hope? A trill of tension filled the air, waiting for resolution.

"You can do this," she finally said.

He relaxed all-at-once and gave a lop-sided smile. "Thank you," he sighed.

Myra nodded. "Of course." Then, in the spur of the moment, she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. She conjured a rush of strength and passed it on to him. "I believe in you."

He wrapped his strong arms around her, his armor poking into her, but she didn't care. The fur lining down his shoulder and chest was so soft.

"I…" He paused, not quite knowing what to say. "Thank you."

She pulled away. Cullen seemed a little slow to let go.

"I'm always here if you need to talk," she said

"Thank you, Inquisitor," he said.

Again, that tension, that trill…waiting for resolution, but she ignored it and left him to his thoughts.

When the night came, Myra went to check if Fennec was in bed, but she wasn't in her room. Twisting her mouth, she headed towards Solas's study.

"Vhenan, dar'iras ma da'len? (where is my child?)"

"She is not here," Solas said. "I assumed she was sleeping."

"Ir abelas. I did not mean to disturb you." Myra made to leave.

"Din'dirthera ma abelas. Do you require assistance locating her?"

Myra shook her head, but kissed him. "Ma serranaas, but no, hahren. It has been a long journey and you are weary. I will join you in bed once I've found her." There was one more place she knew Fennec would be.

She headed out the door to the battlements and knocked on the door to Cullen's office.

"It's open," he said.

Myra walked in. "I apologize, Commander, I was merely—"

"She's upstairs, asleep." Cullen stood quickly. "I apologize. I meant to take her to her bed hours ago, but the reports just kept coming in." Cullen sighed, climbing the ladder and bringing Fennec down. "I hope I didn't worry you."

"No, I figured she'd be in here." Myra smiled, taking Fennec from his arms and holding her close. "She's grown quite fond of you, Commander." Myra made her way to the door, Fennec in arms. "And she's not the only one."