AN: Wow! It has been a long time for this story, but here's a new chapter! I'd actually kind of given up on this story, but after starting quite a few other ones I had an itch to write a new chapter. I did attempt this one about four times but I never liked how it turned out.
I do like this one though, maybe you'll like it as well and I'll feel like finishing this story up. All I ask is that if you want me to continue this story that you tell me in a review, because otherwise I'll just update one of my other many stories.
I didn't really edit or read through this because I'm lazy and was too excited to get this out, so don't go all grammar nazi on me, I'm aware that there are probably many mistakes.
Thanks for reading, hope you like it.
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"And if somebody hurts you I want to fight, but my hands been broken one to many times." -Tom Odell
Chapter Twelve
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It had been seven days since Bane had brought Hadeel into the apartment that he now called her home, the city she had grown to love and enjoy gazing across at night was dark. The lights that shone brightly and glistened like stars in the dwindling twilight no longer pestered her tired eyes when she looked out the window in the evening. Bane was rarely at the apartment during those first seventy two hours, probably out killing more people or shooting some random person's best friend in the back as he so liked to do. More frequent in the apartment than Bane was Barsad, who had been more distant than normal, not that he had ever really been friendly in the first place but he no longer approached her at all.
She was getting quite tired of the silence and the loneliness, if the weight of her friend's death wasn't enough now she felt more alone than ever. Though Bane made it a point to bring her back some books every night it hardly made up for being alone and not having anyone to talk to, she was even starting to miss the awkward conversation she had with the hulk of a man. If only to feel like she had someone to talk to at all. It was starting to affect her, having minimal talks with Barsad and even Bane, who came home late at night to make sure she was still there; it reminded her of another time in her life.
Bane could see it in her, the emptiness of being alone that grew with each passing day, he'd told Barsad to stop being kind to her, and he himself had to stop himself from going into her room. Because as she got more isolated she become more desperate for any kind of contact or exchange with someone or anyone, even him. She may have claimed to hate him before but as soon as she saw that he was all she had now, what would she do? He was even more curious for the simple fact that he could never guess what she was going to do, so he had to keep himself from assuming she would react one way.
It was hard for Barsad, an emotion he didn't think he could feel towards one worthless girl, something like regret for ignoring her and not speaking to her at all. There were times when she'd be reading something and grin while looking up from her book to turn to him, but his face lacked any sort of emotion now. Her eyes would lose their shine after seeing him gazing blandly at her and she would go back to her book and move away from him altogether. He never meant to worry about the girl or feel bad for something he did towards her, he was in the middle of a job, and one little city girl wasn't going to mess him up.
She was tempted to fall back into the rut she had grown so accustomed to in the past, to sink into such feelings and blame everyone and everything else for what had happened to her. To push all of her pain and emotion away before turning into a shell of a person once again, but something held her back this time. Instead of feeling a crushing depression there was a burning anger that raged in her heart. A feeling that warmed her chest and brought tears to her eyes, she was pissed.
Everything that had happened to her wasn't just Banes fault, or Barsad's or anyone else's, this was on her. It was always easy for Hadeel to blame everyone else when really if she had done what needed to happen she could have avoided many things that went wrong in her life. She cursed herself for only realizing such a thing after her friend died, if she hadn't run from Bane Alyssa would be at home with her family. Somehow it felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders as she confessed such emotions to herself, she'd kept it pent up for so long she started to believe all the lies she created for herself and other people. She had been weak and followed the current because it was easier to get carried downstream than swim against a raging force, easier to believe that she was always the victim than to grow into a leader.
This realization was followed by a little bit of crying and some screaming at herself in the shower, Barsad had opened the door to see if anything was wrong and was met with a very embarrassed Hadeel.
That night when Bane returned home Hadeel was still awake, to his surprise, this time he had a sketchbook and some pencils in his hand, something he was excited to give her. Immediately he noticed the change about her, the way her eyes seemed so clear and determined as she walked into the family room to greet him.
"Welcome back," she muttered a little dully. Though it was a short comment it was welcome, he had not heard her speak first for a long time much less greet him after he walked through the door, this was a first.
"Thank you little songbird, I brought you a gift," he sounded a little pleased with himself and the way she had reacted to him returning. He placed the sketchpad in her hands along with the pencils before studying her face for a good show.
Something in her eyes flashed as she let her fingers run across the cover of the book, she seemed almost nervous for a moment before finally speaking to him again. He'd always liked the way he could see small traces of emotions in her eyes though somehow never figure out what she was truly feeling, like a puzzle with impossible hints.
"What if I try to stab you with the Pencils?" She questioned him while looking up to lock eyes.
Whatever had happened over the course of the past week Bane was all for it, he'd only seen this side of Hadeel a few times in the past, that being when she was angry with her sisters or after she yelled at Alyssa the first time. She seemed to be much clearer than he was used to seeing, the fog that clouded her always nervous thoughts from her impetuous heart seemed to have taken over, and he liked it. The comments she mumbled under her breath would now overrule the menial conversations that she tried to start with people she clearly didn't like.
"Then I'd have to punish you," he replied moving to sit down on the couch slowly.
"Well you've already killed my friend, what more could you do?" She bit out at him icily. He hadn't been expecting her to be so forward all at once with him, the statement had been so rash and unlike the old Hadeel Bane hadn't expected it at all.
"I could take away your books," he said lightly. It wasn't much of a punishment but Bane knew that after a while Hadeel would need something to do, to keep her mind of what it wanted to think about.
"How cruel," she murmured blandly.
This made Bane chuckle darkly before leaning forward and placing his elbows on his knees so he could rest his chin on his hands. He liked this new Hadeel, it was how he had always wanted her to be, not wimpy or soft with how she felt about other people, but sarcastic and blunt.
"You have other family members that live here, I'm sure I could find them," he threatened watching her freeze at his words.
He waited for her to crumble in front of him; to go back to her weeping days of woe is me and blaming him for being the cause of her friend dying when all she had had to do was give up. They weren't that far behind her, mere days could be reversed in a second, and he would get to watch every minute of it.
"If you even touched them I'd kill myself," she spat out furiously. Bane laughed at her fluidly, big booming sounds that made her shiver bitterly.
She was scared of him, that he would even mention the rest of her family after someone she knew had already been killed because of her, she wouldn't hear of it. Wanted nothing to do with any of it and yet everything was screaming at her to back down and submit to such a man that commanded her attention so ferociously. She'd always been a somewhat angry person, in high school she was always the one that people came to in order to blab about their drama about their boyfriend or snotty teacher that was giving them crap. She was always the person that everything got dumped on and gave advice to people, not that any of them actually listened to and took her advice.
It ticked her off, being used to frequently and getting nothing in return was fine, she had always been a people pleaser in some way. But when they asked for advice but refused to follow any of it, or even get angry at her for giving it in the first place, that drove her crazy, and yet she'd kept it to herself. For the first time she didn't have anything to hold her back, no reputation to uphold or teachers to worry about offending. In this little world there was only Bane, Barsad, and her, two men that had taken part in destroying everything she had known and ripping her out of it. So did she care what they thought of her?
No.
"Would you now? How would you go about it?" He mused missing her entire thought process.
"I'd starve myself, and if that was too hard for me I'd bite my tongue off and drown in my own blood if that was possible," she started off shakily at first before gaining momentum for her rage fueled rant. "I could make a noose out of the bed sheets, and you'd find me hanging from the ceiling fan," she described.
He could imagine Barsad or one of his men coming to him frantically, shouting about how it wasn't their fault that she was suspended in the air like an angel, that they should be spared even if it happened on their watch. How he'd snap their neck before letting her feet touch the ground again, he'd close her eyelids and look into her eyes one last time.
"I could break the mirror and slit my wrists in the bathtub, there you'd find me bathing in my own blood. Or maybe," she stopped herself for a second and Bane caught a glimmer of wonder and imagination on her pupils. He was reminded of the girl he'd sometimes see in the art room staring at a blank canvas with endless possibilities in her eyes, the way she twisted the white plane in her mind before setting to work. "I would jump off the building and die when I hit the ground, but just for a second I'd feel like I was flying," her voice choked out the last bit painfully and Bane watched ever the more closely.
As she spoke Hadeel remembered what her mother often liked to tell her, a story of when she was younger and had been asked what she wanted to be when she grew up. A bird. Her mother had teased her for saying something so silly, but all she'd really wanted to do was fly, to see the great expanse of everything in front of her and feel weightless. And so as she spoke of flying, even if only for a moment, she remembered the soft smile of her mother whenever she told anyone that story.
Even now Hadeel could relate to the much younger her form so long ago; if she was a bird and could fly she would have left home a long time ago. With any sign of danger she'd be gone, whisked up into the sky that would look so endless and full of opportunities that she'd feel free enough not to worry about anything anymore. What a feeling that would be!
But she wasn't a bird and she had a lot of things to worry about, instead of feeling as free as a bird in the air Hadeel felt very much like a cornered mouse in a fox den. Though she promised herself that as long as she was breathing she would bite at the fox's legs and try to get away, otherwise there would be no point in living. Her voice came out strong but her eyes watered as she spoke almost forcefully.
"For that moment," she paused shortly. "I'd feel," her voice cut off sharply when she felt a tear run down her cheek slowly. It almost felt like she had been in a trance as she went to wipe the tear off her cheek shakily, as if she was surprised to see the salty liquid glistening on her fingers. Feeling like her body had betrayed her words Hadeel clenched her fist in front of her face and glared at the windows in front of her. "Free," she finished poisonously.
"I would never let you kill yourself," he broke though her train of thoughts with his voice. Bane was sitting in front of her powerfully, like a statue his body didn't need to move in order to show his strength and size. He was right to assume that Hadeel would be all the more interesting with each passing day but he never expected her to change so drastically. And yet he could still see pieces of the old Hadeel he had met months before hiding under the surface, it invigorated him to see her almost evolving in front of him. "Barsad will always be near when I am not," he explained as if she had forgotten.
The way he spoke and how he was so confident with himself that it made Hadeel kind of jealous, if she was that confident with herself would the roles be reversed. Well certainly not reversed, but perhaps she wouldn't be in such a predicament in the first place. Even though she was fearful of him and was always unsure of what might happen under his care she couldn't help but be angry with him. It was the type of hatred that burned through her veins and threatened to consume her, but she had nothing to rile him with.
"I don't need this," she murmured before placing the sketchbook onto the counter nearest to her. Bane watched her with what appeared to be mild interest, though really he was drinking in everything that was happening at the moment. "I'll be in my room," she said. Her face was cold as she turned to walk away; Bane watched her go until he heard the door to her room close softly. His next course of action, or punishment as Hadeel would describe it, would be to take off the door completely, just in case she was to try something against herself.
He left her alone for a while before walking towards her room in order to check her old wounds, and perhaps take off her bandages permanently, she would at least be happy for that right?
Just as he reached for the doorknob a soft voice stopped him, it took him a moment to realize that she had started singing, a comforting sound that he had missed the past week. It made him realize that she hadn't sang, at least not when he was around for a while and he'd actually missed the breathy noise of her voice against his ears. Leaning up against the wall Bane listened silently from the other side of the door.
"I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations, all my friends are turning green. You're the magician's assistant in a dream," it reminded him of the night after she'd first yelled at Alyssa. Her voice sounded so clear and firm while keeping with the whispering singing voice she had. "And they come unstuck. Lady, running down to the riptide, taken away by the dark side, I want to be your left hand man. I love you, when you're singing that song but I got a lump in my throat cause you gonna sing words wrong," the tune was cheerful.
Bane almost wanted to hear the original to compare the two, to hear what she might be distorting or changing in order to fit in with her style of singing. The same time that it made him happy to have her all to himself he wished for the sewers to engulf them once more so the songbird's call could travel all throughout the building.
"There's this movie that I think you'll like, this guy decides to quit his job and move to New York City. This cowboy's running from himself, and she's been living on the highest shelf. Lady running down to the riptide, taken away to the dark side, I want to be your left hand man," she continued, repeating much of the same chorus line as before.
He barely realized that she had finished when she stopped singing, her song still lingered in his mind as he tried to shake off what she was trying to convey through the words. Yet he couldn't quite place it or even begin to decipher what she was trying to say through singing it in the first place.
=0=0=
The next day saw Hadeel pulling one of the couch cushions off and sitting on it in front of one of the windows that took up one whole wall in the apartment. It was where she often sat to read her books, but she had no books today, seeing as she was currently rejecting all of the things Bane had so kindly brought back for her. Instead she muttered something about needing to build a home base and disappeared into her room to grab one of the bed sheets.
Barsad watched without interest at first but couldn't help but wonder what she was doing near the end as she pulled the rest of the cushions from the couch and used them as sort of building blocks. Building a sort of fort around herself and using the blanket to drape overtop to shield herself from his view, he sighed at the childish behavior and otherwise ignored her. Bane had told him that she was even more interesting than usual and it would only take a few more days for her new demeanor to completely set it.
"I kind of hate you right now," her voice broke him from his thoughts. "Here I was thinking we were some kind of friends with each other, what with the picking on each other a little and laughing. I guess you only do that with people you're going to ignore," she said bitterly. "Which is pretty messed up," she added on shortly after.
Staring at the small cushion and blanket fort in front of him Barsad was reminded of when he'd first met the girl and she'd made the comment about how he could take a rock and pretend it was her. He'd realized just a few hours later that Hadeel was a girl that didn't exactly fir in with the rest of the world. Or perhaps there was a world that she belonged in, where everyone was like her and she could feel at home. But it wasn't Gotham; she didn't belong in such a city as this. Not when she spoke so kindly and wanted to know his name, he was still surprised that she had asked for his name in the first place.
"I mean I'm used to it, but it's still pretty lame, you probably don't care though," she finished off before mumbling something else under her breath that he didn't catch. "You suck," she faded off.
He shouldn't care that she kind of hated him, it shouldn't matter to him that she felt hurt or disappointed by his actions, he was an assassin, anything that happened during this job wasn't his concern. Especially if it had do to with some child that the boss had picked up, even if she had somehow gotten under his skin, it wouldn't last. If he died in this city, the last thing he would even consider thinking about would be Hadeel.
Did she expect him to say anything though? What would he say to someone who so blatantly professed her dislike?
"I'm actually a person that's easily angered, but I kept it to myself for a long time because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I made crude comments," she explained a little off topic. Barsad had a feeling Bane would be the one who would really want to hear this, but he wasn't going to home until later, and he was sure Hadeel wouldn't repeat it. "I mean, I really don't like people, and yet I always find myself caring about the ones that care nothing for me. It's stupid and tedious but I can't help it, even when they hurt me over and over I hang on hoping that they'll realize what they've done. But they never do and eventually I let go, so I can forever look back and feel guilty for leaving them alone," she muttered.
By now Hadeel was just letting everything out, Barsad wasn't going to answer, or say anything back as far as she was concerned, and after a week of being ignored by him she concluded that it was a lost cause. Mostly because he was someone who killed people for a living and she was a college student who complained about everything, their friendship didn't match up. Which was why she was sure it would be okay if she told him everything, in the end it felt too lonely to talk to a wall, so a person who wouldn't answer was the next best thing. Although she liked to think that somewhere in the cruel killer of a person that he might be there was someone listening to her words and understanding that she was confessing her weaknesses because she wanted to get stronger.
"And I hate that part of myself that gives people so many chances when really I should just give up on them, right?" She asked as if he might answer her. "After everything happens I sit in my room and stew in a fit of anger and misery for people I cannot help but forgive even though they don't deserve it. I think it's stupid of me to continually want to believe that humans are capable of changing themselves according to the advice I give them. When really they're too stubborn to even hear my words, it wounds me," she choked to a stop abruptly. "It's one of the reasons why I considered killing myself when I was younger, the world is a beautiful place, but humans taint it," she finished before the small pillow fort in front of him went silent.
"And you though killing yourself would make it better?" He questioned thoughtlessly.
In her fort, lying on the ground in a fit of bed sheets Hadeel let her mouth hang open gapingly, he'd actually responded to her after she ranted about her life and all the other crap. If she had had to guess when the man would finally speak this would have been the last time she would have picked, not when she was going on and on about woe is her. Now she had to answer it though.
"Every teenager does, at least the ones that get ignored, or a fraction of the ones who get ignored. There's a big difference between being emo and suicidal," she explained blandly.
"Which one were you?" He asked her again.
"I was emo, one of those attention seeking people," her voice turned dull.
"Is there a difference?" Again she was elated that he was still even speaking with her, perhaps he thought that if he were to humor her for a little while she might ultimately give up in a little while.
"When you claim yourself to be emo, this is my opinion anyway, you tell everyone how suicidal you are, how you've considered killing yourself and might just do it if people continue to be mean and ignore you. But the real suicidal ones don't tell anyone how they're feeling, they keep everything to themselves and go silent for a day, and then someone finds them lifeless in their room or somewhere else. Perhaps with a note apologizing to their family," she described how she saw it.
There were many documentaries and short skits that her health teachers had made her watch over the years, in most, if not all, of the videos it was perhaps only the night or week before the planned act that the suicidal person would start behaving strangely. They'd give away their prized possessions and start saying their farewells and making sure to tell everyone how much they had appreciated their company. In most of the short videos the teens would attempt suicide but always get stopped by someone in the end, only in one or two did someone die.
"I scared myself for a while because I started to act differently and stopped telling people that I felt miserable, I kept everything inside until it all bubbled over during that time of the month. By then I just turned into a raging mess of loathsome thoughts and intentions. You better hope you don't have to stand guard on me during that week, I will wreck you," she muttered gaining a small chuckle from Barsad.
The man then saw Hadeel poke her head out of the fort to eye him strangely, as if he was peeping in and listening to a conversation that wasn't for his ears. She disappeared back into her fortress once more after looking at the man for a good ten seconds; it was good and all being humored by a man she wanted to be friends with. He'd even played along with her little emo suicidal rant, but in the end Hadeel was still angry at herself for still being here.
"I want to go home," she whispered gazing out the window blandly.
Within the next few hours Hadeel devised a sort of plan in her head, something she was going to do as soon as she saw an opening was head home. First she would have to figure out where she was and then make her way back home to find her family, although she wasn't sure what she would encounter, she was sure she could make it. Over the course of the next week she would have to live with Bane as if she accepted the predicament she was in and was willing to follow his orders without complaint. Hopefully he would slack on keeping someone around her constantly and she could flee down the hall and down the fire escape of the next room.
There were a bunch of little things she had to worry about. Would Bane still be spending time away from the apartment? What happened if she got caught? Would she be able to find her home without even knowing where she was? If she did get caught before she could escape would Bane ever trust her to be alone again? Would killing herself be a viable escape at that point?
No, she wouldn't stoop so low as to kill herself. Even with her current level of self loathing she wasn't strong enough to bring herself to end her own life. If she was going to get through this and find her family to make sure everything was okay she was going to have to do it by herself, because there was no one on her side in this building.
"I'd do anything to make it better, baby this is something I can't change," she sang the words softly.
It was a song she had heard with her sisters and they all agreed that it was good enough to pass their standards. When one of them started to sing the first verse the rest of them would join in and laugh when someone messed up one of the words or came in too early for the chorus line. The memory almost pained Hadeel to even remember, those were the days when they didn't care about what was going to happen tomorrow or who was going to judge them.
"Oh this, silence could go on forever, am I walking with you in your dreams," she started to gain volume. Barsad was reminded of the times he had heard her in the sewers for the first time and her voice had carried throughout the tunneled structure. Again when she had been singing to sadly in the shower, he was a bit relieved that the tone in her song was cheerful and not so dreadfully depressed as it had been the week before. Though he couldn't quite blame her for having felt so bad after witnessing her friend getting shot. "Hello, hello can you hear me? Can you show me that you understand?" She stood up suddenly and placed her hand on the window, feeling the cold glass beneath her fingertips was calming.
Resting her forehead against the glass as well Hadeel breathed softly causing it to fog up a little; it felt nice against her anxious and warm skin. Now that she had a plan, something to work towards and worry about, it felt like her insides were crawling with nerves, if she did anything wrong or even hinted at the fact that she was thinking of leaving. There would be consequences from Bane, and if the first punishment had been going home only to have one of her friends die, the next one would be far worse. If this was going to happen, if she was going to escape, she could do nothing differently to even suggest to Bane that she might be gone the next time he returned.
"Hello, hello can you hear me?" Her voice was a mere whisper this time as she allowed herself to slide against the glass onto her knees. "Can you show me, that you understand?"
For the first time in a long time there was something to work towards, something she cared about.
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"All my tears have been used up." - Tom Odell
AN: So I did finally write a new chapter, what did you think? Did I get Hadeel right after so long? Sorry if it sounds a little...off.
Anyway, tell me what you think.