April's POV
I was excited to see her again after two weeks but watching her fight against Levi and actually lose the fight; she probably isn't in a good mood. Nevertheless I beamed at her when she walked towards us and her irritated expression faded a bit upon meeting my gaze.
"That was a good match." I said as she grabbed my head and pulled me into a quick hug. She didn't reply but reassuringly smiled at me.
"How does it feel to be defeated?" Kay asked jokingly. Jaclyn didn't laugh as she slapped the back of his head.
"Make fun of me when you're able to beat me." She said, clearly not amused.
"It's been a while since you lost serious hand combat against someone." Kay said thoughtful.
"Levi isn't just someone though." She let out a loud sigh as she dropped herself to the ground, sitting on a pile of leaves. "I don't mind getting defeated by him, he's incredibly strong."
She looked over to me and Kay. "Anyway, you guys shouldn't be this close to-"
"Shhh." I broke the silence. "I think there's someone near." Ever since we left the underground, I became paranoid about the Military Police finding out about us and arresting us all. Kay and Jaclyn didn't seem troubled by the possibility but somehow I'm not able to relax and I'm always on edge. I might be wrong. I was often wrong and it annoyed the hell out of them but when it comes to our freedom I would go to any length to secure it.
"Kay." I whispered. "Come."
He closed his eyes in annoyance but before he had the time to open them again I grabbed him by his sleeve and dragged him along. We ran behind the nearest tree and I pressed him with his back against it, keeping my hand across his mouth. When I peeked around the corner to look back at Jaclyn, I saw two men standing in front of her.
"Captain Levi, what is it?" Kay and I looked at each other wide eyed as we both realized the name she called.
Since we lived in the underground for the most of our lives we knew all the important names and Levi was one of them. But to how their face looked, we had no idea. Kay succeeded in getting his hands on a picture of Zack Ross so we knew what he looks like. The public often attends the moment Survey Corps leaves and the gate opens, none of us bothered to go look so we had no clue what he'd look like apart from a description the client sent to Jaclyn. A short brown haired man was all I remembered.
"The description said he was short and brunette, so it must be him." I thought out loud.
"Who are you with?" He said his voice louder and directed to us.
"Shit! Kay what do we do?" I hissed. I can feel my heart picking up speed and my hands getting clammy. "Do we take them out?"
"Are you insane, if Jaclyn went down then we won't win either, even if we are with the two of us." Kay explained calmly. No doubt the two of us will lose against them but Jaclyn is here too, maybe with the three of us we'll succeed.
"Wait." I heard Jaclyn yell and I suddenly noticed the footsteps close by coming to a halt. "Kay, April. She called our names out loud, followed by a loud sigh.
Kay and I exchanged quick glances before we revealed ourselves from behind the tree.
He rested his hand onto my shoulder and gave a quick squeeze before he let go again. Levi stood in front with Jaclyn just behind him and the tall blonde a few meters back observing us.
Jaclyn walked past Levi to stand protectively besides us. "Now what are you going to do?" She asked with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"You know this is terrain of the Survey Corps, only meant for personnel." The blonde man had stepped forward, it's funny how extremely short Levi looks besides that tree of a man.
"Yes Eldo, we know." Jaclyn crossed her arms.
Levi's eyes scanned Jaclyn whilst she returned the intense gaze. His eyes then moved to Kay for a short while before they met mine. He lowered his brows and squinted his eyes as he looked at me. A shiver ran up my spine as his dark eyes were fixed onto my blue ones, causing me distress and nerves started kicking in. "What is it?" I asked, my voice sounding more pissed than I had intended.
His eyes slightly widened, he opened his mouth to say something but Jaclyn stepped in front of me. "Sorry I betrayed your trust and brought them here.
He finally tore his eyes of mine and looked over to Jaclyn. "My trust?"
"I am under your command, therefore my apologies."
Jaclyn lowered her head a bit as she talked. I looked over to Kay who was also as shocked. He kept his mouth shut but I couldn't. "Jaclyn!" I stood between Levi and Jaclyn in, facing her. "Why would you lower yours-"
She grabbed my head and pressed it to her chest. "I'm doing this for you and Kay, so keep quiet." She whispered to my ear and let me go.
I don't understand. She, who never backed down for anyone no matter what the situation was, is apologizing and bowing her head.
"Shouldn't we report this Captain Levi?" The man interjected. The hairs on my arm stood right up. Annoyance and confusion was replaced by fear as I noticed myself becoming restless. It feels like I have two choices, fight or flee, realizing that it is Levi who we're dealing with the second option is the most appealing.
As if she could read my mind she grabbed my hand firmly and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I remarked Levi's eyes trailing down to our intertwined hands.
"Sorry." Jaclyn spoke again.
Levi turned around at that and started walking away. "Let's go." he spoke, the blonde man also hesitantly leaving us behind. "You won't see her for a longer time if you were caught again on this terrain." He said clearly directed towards me. "If you can't miss her, why not join Survey Corps?" He said at last, his voice just within earshot.
"I can't believe we just got caught." Kay said bewildered while dry wiping his face, "and actually got away with it."
Jaclyn let out a shaky breath I didn't knew she was holding. She leant against a tree, letting her head fall into her hands as she tightly gripped her hair. "We can't see each other anymore."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked and I realized my voice was slightly shaky. Jaclyn bit her lip as she looked up to me and Kay.
"Until I'm done with the job." She said softly.
I know it isn't what she wants, the only people we have is each other. This job could take another year, maybe two, who knows. It doesn't have an expiration date and I'm not willing to miss her for that long.
"No!" I blurted out. "I want to come with you, I'll also join!" The words rolled from my tongue without a second thought. "I can help, it would take less time and besides, I'll be able to see you every day!" My voice grew gradually louder and more desperate. "Kay, you also agree with me right?"
He stood there with his arms crossed as he shrugged. "Jaclyn is probably right, we shouldn't meet at places like this anymore, but that's doesn't mean we can't ever secretly meet again. However, you also shouldn't join Survey Corps. Don't make any rash decisions."
For some weird reason I could feel a lump build up in my throat making it hard for me to swallow. Stupid tears prickled my eyes as I tried to blink them away. Jaclyn put her hand on my shoulder but I took a few steps back. "April." She began. Hearing her say my name like that, with a hint of pity, it made me feel like the girl I was a few years back. After Jaclyn had helped me when I was rock bottom, I promised myself I wouldn't be in this position again. I was going to help her, become stronger myself but here I was again, on the verge of years and just as helpless.
"I can join..." I tried but already felt defeated. When Kay said it wasn't a good idea it's already hard enough to change her mind because she trusted his intuition. When she had made a decision herself, it was next to nearly impossible to convince her otherwise.
So that meant I had to take my own measures.
She cupped her hands around my face. "April, I thought that..." She looked over to Kay and back to me. "You don't understand. We just can't do it anymore, it's too much of a risk."
"You thought what?" I asked angrily. The question caught her by surprise. This was a first for me to talk back to her, to doubt her decision but my instinct told me that leaving her to it alone will be a bad idea. I may doubt her, but I was confident in myself.
Her face grew serious as she eyed me her brows lowering. "Jaclyn." Kay said warningly but she never took her eyes off me.
"You need to understand, that every decision I make is to your benefit. I thought I had to kill Levi and Eldo right here because I couldn't stand the thought of you two being caught. When it comes to you I don't give a damn about the money, I would go back to the underground for you."
Her voice sounded angry but her eyes revealed her true emotions of hurt. "Don't question my actions because in the end it will benefit you." She said while she held me tightly. "I will be back before you know it." She weakly smiled at me, one I couldn't return.
She walked over to Kay and discussed something with him for a while. Afterwards she ran back to the building to meet Levi.
"Come on." Kay threw his hand over my shoulder. "Before we get caught again."
My chest felt hollow, with her presence gone it already felt empty and cold on this hot summer day. We walked back home through the forest, neither of us speaking a word. I noticed Kay was looking at the ground all the time. I was too caught up in my own emotions I didn't realize he must feel the same way. Only is he the one out of us three that's able to think clear and logical. Also, he's best at keeping his emotions in check. Whereas I would often get anxious and Jaclyn had trouble hiding her annoyance and resentment, Kay kept it cool at all times.
"She would give her life for ours." He suddenly spoke. "If you didn't realize, that's exactly what she is doing right now. We can give our share of thought but in the end she makes a decision herself." He kept looking onwards as he explained. "If you were to join the Survey Corps you would only be a bother. So keep that thought out of your head."
I huffed as I now also looked downwards. How am I supposed to not think of her, wanting to help her? It seems like I'm the only one that takes into account how that if they found out about her, she would most likely be executed. I bawled my fist in front of me and let it loose again as I realized how annoyingly helpless I am.
We arrived home and when Kay opened the door, I rushed inside onto the stairs and into my room. I closed the door behind me as I let myself slide down, my back leaning against the door. I sat here for a few minutes when I heard Kay walking up the stairs. "Go away." I murmured. Not waiting for Kay to give me a lecture or his so called advice.
"She can handle this on her own, she doesn't need our help. She never did after all."
With that I heard the sound of his footsteps fading away again. I am not the defenseless girl I was. I am capable, fit and skilled. Jaclyn herself taught me so. It's time I believe in myself and make my own decisions. She never needed our help but it wouldn't do any harm, right? I will help her in any way possible.
…
Jaclyn's POV.
This must be it.
I knocked on the door that had Levi's name carved into it. I pressed my ear flat against the door and heard people softly chattering. Impatient as I was, I knocked on the door again, this time louder. "Levi!" I called out his name. The voiced died for a second but then continued.
Is the bastard ignoring me just now?
I tilted the handle and opened the door. Levi sat behind his desk with someone opposite of him. A frown formed on his face and he's clearly not amused by my sudden interruption, but I don't really care. Then at least answer me when I knock on your door.
"I need to talk to you."
The blonde man that sat at the desk turned around and... it was Erwin.
"Oh." I thought out loud and turned. "I'll wait outside." I said before I closing the door completely.
I just arrived back at the Survey Corps HQ. While walking back from the encounter with Levi in the forest, I thought about a lot of things. For one, April's sudden behavior, I know she hates the idea of us parting ways, I do too, but she acted even more unusual. Also, why had Levi and Eldo followed me into the forest, do they suspect something? Was it because I claimed to want to take his title? I already waited for a good ten minutes and there was still no sign of Erwin leaving the room any time soon.
I sat down opposite of the door in the hallway, survey corps members passing by every now and then. I thought about what April said, her wanting to join. Back in the forest I made it clear to Kay that he mustn't let that happen. If she chooses to, I have nothing to say as she is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions, but I don't want her to join because of me. I could never forgive myself if she got hurt while trying to help me. If I'm alone, somehow I will manage to succeed this job, with her by my side while doing that would only be bothersome.
At last I wondered why Levi looked at her like that. As if he recognized her. Have their paths ever crossed? We lived most of our lives in the underground and only lived above ground for just a short while. It's not impossible but highly unlikely.
I felt so incredibly conflicted in that moment; I didn't want to kill two soldiers, but if it meant Kay and April would be taken in otherwise, I would brace myself and do it.
My determination in that moment scared me. I am scared to what lengths I will go to protect them. I know I probably can't pull it off; it would be two against one. The fact that it would be a surprise attack could benefit me, but even if I lost, in the meantime they could get away. I know I will lose the fight, but even with that thought in mind I had no doubts.
"Jaclyn." Levi stood in the threshold as he called out my name. He turned around to walk back into the room while motioning for me to enter. I got to my feet and walked into his office, closing the door behind me. He sat down behind the desk. "Sit."
I did as he told and took place.
"About earlier..." I started, not sure what to say. I had so many questions piled up in my mind I don't even know where to start.
"What about it?" He asked, looking up as I caught his attention.
Is this a good idea? I need answers but I wasn't too sure where to begin or even what to ask. So I just asked the question that occupied my mind the most. "Why did you let us get away with it?"
He didn't reply for a while as he just observed my face. Then finally, "I once made the same mistake of bringing my friends to Survey Corps. I wanted to give you the chance to do the right thing." He leaned back in his chair as he watched my confused face.
What was that supposed to mean? He also brought his friend secretly to Survey Corps terrain? Were they also caught? Maybe they did get caught or something and he gave me the chance to send them away... but that doesn't really make sense. Levi doesn't make sense at all; he's one big puzzle hiding under his deadpan facial expression and it's frustrating the hell out of me.
"I don't understand." I said hoping for a better explanation.
"Soon enough you will realize. Anything else, Jaclyn?"
I have a lot of questions to ask and whether he did recognize April I wanted to know the most.
I hated how vague he was acting and I decided it was probably useless to question him right now. It'll have to wait, I'll come back to it some other time that's for sure.
"No." I stood up and turned around, reaching for the door handle, but Levi's voice made freeze.
"You have the eyes of a killer."
I slowly turned around to look over my shoulder. He was leaning against the desk, arms folded as he awaited my response I didn't give.
He then continued, "You don't seem afraid of anything except losing your friends. Your eyes don't show fear when facing a titan, while battling four of the best soldiers at the same time, not when fighting me."
The fact that I was planning on how to kill him, or rather delay him, right there and then was probably written all over my face. He must've noticed it.
"We watch each other's backs." I had a hard time finding the right words to say, it's like he was waiting for me to make a mistake, to say the wrong thing. It was all quite unnerving.
He pushed himself off the desk and walked towards me while reaching out his hand. Something within me panicked as my heartbeat picked up speed. Was he going to fight me, right here?
I forced myself to stay put, at least until he made the first move. He stood in front of me, so close I could feel his body heat radiating through his clothes.
"There it was again." He whispers and opens the door handle.
The bastard fucking tried me. I can't believe I actually fell for it.
"I'll show you your new room." He opened the door and signed for me to enter the hallway. He closed the door behind us, locking it and started walking.
"Why am I getting a new room?" I wondered.
"Since you joined my squad." He looked over his shoulder. "You'll also be sleeping in this building."
I don't mind the change of rooms, or building. It was just that Jonah would be further away, we won't have breakfast or dinner together anymore. Even that didn't matter as much but I was still disappointed. He is the only friend I have here and I don't have intentions of making any new ones.
"Here it is." He picked a key from his pocket and turned the lock, then handed it over to me. I opened the door and, "Jaclyn!" I guess Jonah felt the same way. "I arranged a room next to yours, so we'll still get to see each other!" He just finished making my bed and I saw all my belongings, the very few I had, were already placed in the room.
"Dinner starts in an hour, Jonah you show her the way." Levi said before disappearing.
"How are you always able to arrange this kind of things?" I asked while I observed my new room. There is a single bed standing against the wall to the left, a desk at the right with one chair and a simple wooden closet.
"I told you once about my dad right? He was an important man and because I am his son I can use that to get special privileges, like a room next to yours." He smiled from ear to ear.
"I'd never say you would be the kind of person to use your dads name like that." I figured.
"Why is that."
"I'm not sure." I lay down on the bed he finished making a second ago and he frowned when I immediately took my chance to jump on it. "I can see you saying; I will achieve the top myself just like my dad did, I won't use his name or hard work to benefit me." I mimicked his voice and let out a laugh as he joined in as well.
"You know me too well." He sat on the edge of the bed. "That's exactly what I think, but whether I sleep in this building or the other, that won't help me climb up. So I might as well use his name in order to arrange these types of things." He also lay down, his back over my legs.
"I'm sure they aren't so keen taking on requests like this from a brat like you." I smiled and closed my eyes.
"You bet." I heard him chuckle softly. "No matter how pointless or unnecessary calls I make, in the end they'll give in."
I felt his body move away from my legs. "Come on, I'll show you around and after that dinner starts."
...
We were seated in the dining hall, this one more spacious than the ones meant for the other Survey Corps members, even though this one was way less occupied. I sat next to Jonah and a woman who introduced herself as Hanji, apparently also a squad leader, Levi across from me and the rest of Levi's and Hanji's squad. I took part in small chatter, mostly with Jonah but also with Petra. She is very kind and lighthearted, I somewhat expected her to look down on me after the battle last time but I couldn't detect any hard feelings.
"So tell me... Jaclyn was it right?" Hanji interrupted. "Where did you learn to fight like that?" She had already finished her meal as she was now looking at me, anticipation in her eyes to what my answer would be. "You were able to put up quite some resistance against Levi, that's probably a first." I saw Levi's eyes shifting from his plate to her while he mumbled something with the word 'shitty'.
I always felt uncomfortable when strangers- no actually anyone- asked me this. I can't possibly be honest saying; I've been a criminal pretty much my whole life so I learned to fight in order to survive. Killed, stole and managed to escape the Military Police a few times. Instead I hoped, "Practice." will satisfy her question.
Without warning she suddenly reached for my hand and pulled me not so gently towards her. "So, how do you feel about Titans? Have you seen one yet? When did y-"
"Whoa calm down." I hushed her. "My feelings towards them are pretty neutral and yes I've seen a few during the graduation test." I quickly answered before she got the chance to question me more. I tried to pull my hand away but her grip was surprisingly firm. "Ehm... Hanji" I said looking at our hands until I realized she was staring at my face, a faint pink blush spread across her cheeks.
"Hey shitty four eyes, you're making her uncomfortable." Levi said as he put his spoon in the empty soup bowl.
"Oh, sorry sorry I tend to get lost in curiosity!" She smiled and laughed, letting go of my hand. Her face changed in an instant from cheerful to serious. "You feel neutral towards Titans?" She questioned again, wanting me to give her some sort of explanation.
"Well... Titans have never been my enemy, so I view them no other than humans or animals." I picked up the spoon to continue eating but I noticed everyone's attention directed to me.
"Wha-" I started but a man from a table behind me spoke up.
"How are you even able to say that?!" He nearly yelled from behind.
I know everybody here is willing to die in the hands of a Titan and offer up their hearts as long as it helps humanity.
I have no such dream.
"Titans killed countless people!" He then continued.
"Oh and humans didn't?" I spat, my voice accidentally sounding harsher than expected. When I looked over my shoulder, I noticed it wasn't just our table that now was awkwardly quiet; everybody in the hall was still, facing me.
I put my spoon back in the bowl, "Eh, did I say something wrong?" I whispered to Jonah feeling strangely uncomfortable with this many eyes on me.
"Eh well… It's just that-"
"Are you on the Titans side!" This time a woman yelled.
"Are you an idiot?" I muttered. "As far as we know Titans don't consider us as nothing more than insignificant insects, right? We humans, we know what's it's like to feel, lose, love and yet we still kill each other. When you consider that, who are the monsters? Humans who know hurt and still inflict it, or Titans that don't and basically do the same?" I thought out loud.
Everyone stared at me wide eyed. I hadn't even thought these words over, I never really gave much thought to the Titans and I never saw them as enemies, but more or less like big animals that likes to eats humans. I never thought how I feel about them, everyone seems to resent them because they keep us within the walls.
I always thought, while they keep us within the walls, humans always kept me underground.
"That's an invalid argument! There a good and bad people, Titans are all bad!" A dirty blond haired man said from the table behind Levi.
"I'm not here to fucking argue, it's simply what I think." I said as I popped my elbows on the table letting my head rest in the palm of my hand. "We justify our actions because we think we know better, we believe we humans are superior. If the Titans were to think in the same way, they're exactly like us. So either, none of us are monsters because we eat other living creatures, or we all are." I looked down to my soup that was already cooled off and my appetite was gone in an instant.
I was greeted with more disbelieving looks. Good job at making yourself stand out even more Jaclyn, yeah, fucking way to go. But hey, why shouldn't I be able to speak my mind. They say all the time how they hate them, I can say how I feel neutral towards them, right?
I decided it was best I shut my surprisingly way too talkative mouth before someone would actually attack and choke me. I stood up and pressed my lips into a straight line when I realized I didn't even finish half of my dinner.
"Wait... then why did you join Survey Corps, why would you kill them?" Hanji asked calmly unlike the others.
I thought for a moment before I came up with a suitable answer. "If I need to kill in order to survive then I'll justify my own actions, I'm not here so I can kill Titans... but I will if necessary." I gave her my half assed explanation and looked at Levi who had his eyebrow slightly pulled up. 'Oh?' he soundlessly mouthed at me. I could detect the faintest kind off amusement in his eyes which annoyed me for a second but realized at least he wasn't shooting angry glares at me unlike... everybody actually. I returned the small smile back to Levi as I turned around, grabbing Jonah by his collar and basically dragging him along with me out of the room.
As soon as we turned around the corner, away from the dining hall, Jonah started sniffling. "What's so funny idiot?" I turned around to see him leaning against the wall. "Wh-" I tried again but his laughter interrupted me.
I was taken aback by his sudden outburst. He leaned with his back against the wall, his arm covering his eyes as his chest rose and fell to his uncontrollable laughter. It was cute to see him laugh like that, but the thought he was laughing at me wasn't cute at all. I walked back to him to demand an answer.
"Seeing you speak up your mind to all those people without even a second thought. Honestly you're amazing!" He tried to catch his breath as he continued. "I might not agree with everything you said, but the faces around us were priceless!" He wiped his tears of joy away. "You really don't care what they think huh? That's another quality of yours I'm jealous of."
"Well, as you can see it's not always a good thing." I pointed out as I turned around and started walking again, Jonah quickly catching up with me and walking besides me.
"You do realize the consequences of what you just did, right?"
Right. I realize very well that they might question my motives. Even though this isn't what Jonah meant, it can become a serious problem. The last thing I need right now is someone digging up my driving force.
However, I also can't keep the act up of willing to die for humanity's sake.
For now I need to focus on the upcoming expedition and doing everything in my power to make it back alive, while keeping it a secret from Kay and April.