Notes: Very sorry I have neglected to update, had several health problems which left me unable to do anything but hopefully I can get back on track now!
As a friend pointed out I have altered the plot from the original but it is mainly to avoid copying it and it made it more interesting to write!

"I still think you ought to tell him"

"That is nothing to do with you, besides in his current condition anymore strain may crack him...and he has that 'moral' streak in him."

"Thanks..."

Petra looked up from her game

"What for?"

"Not telling Bean anything"

"Oh" she turned back to see her character die in puff of flame "that's...no problem..."

Ender hesitated uneasily as she logged off, shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Petra watched him covertly from the corner of her eyes, some strands of loose hair making it impossible to him to notice.

"Was there something else?"

"Up to you" Ender said cautiously "should we talk?"

"It's up to you" Petra answered sharply "you're the commander...although I often wonder...you need to call a meeting and start planning strategy for the games coming up. You said they warned you to ones they programmed are going to be tough."

"Like you I've had things on my mind...I don't let you know everything as it wouldn't be fair"

Petra turned to face him with a sigh, her features softened as she breathed out and a small smile appeared.

"Sorry...I know you've had it rough and people are a lot harder on you"

She reached out and gave his hand a small squeeze, her own hand cool and soft compared to his own.

"There are things bugging me but I can work through them myself...I'm not a little girl and I don't want to burden you anymore."

"Well if you ever do I'm around"

Ender returned her smile briefly

Ender felt ill.

He'd woken up that night really as if his stomach had been torn open and his body drenched in a cold sweat but his skin was uncomfortably warm. How he managed to get back to sleep he had no idea but even so when he woke the next morning he felt as if he hadn't slept for weeks.

"No..." he groaned as he rolled out of bed "I can't be sick..."

His stomach seemed to have calmed but he felt as if there was an icy rope tangled round his throat and his heart seemed to be beating faster than normal.

He sat on the floor and drew his knees up to his chest and tried to breathe as calmly and as normally as he could but thoughts of his training sessions that day made him feel worse.

It had been a week since he had last had any one to one training, when he remembered his early days it seemed like nothing. He presumed it was because they had took him further than most maybe too quickly and too much would destroy what they had created.
Whatever that was...

It hadn't help that they had informed him his final test was fast approaching, they had rushed it forward for some reason.

He spoke to no one during breakfast, giving one word answers to those that spoke to him, they soon got the message.

He felt as if his head was in a thick fog as he made his way down the corridor which seemed to take him forever.

'If I can just get through this session I can shut myself away later' Ender thought but doubt formed a cloud, if was a big ask.

Too much to ask.

As Ender reached the door his body felt as if his blood had frozen, his muscles contracted and the mist thickened.

He didn't even feel when he hit the floor.

He was cold as he slowly came round; his skin tingled as if thousands of icy needles were pricking his skin.
His eyes gradually came into focus, only to see the nothingness of the ceiling. The dark had been more appealing!

Ender breathed out in relief, his heart and throat feeling normal again and slowly lifted his head

"Haven't seen an anxiety attack like that for some time, boy"

Ender looked round to see Mazer Rackham leaning against the wall, his dark eyes appearing oddly concerned. He realised then he was in his mentors' room, lying on the bed.

"You...brought me here?"

"I found you on the floor and this was the nearest room to put you safely."

Ender stared at him, conflicting emotions riding through him

"Thank you..." he pulled himself up into a sitting position, Rackham's gaze not leaving him "I'm glad it was you."

"I'm sure you are..." Rackham's voice sounded flat but not as dismissive

"Why do never call me by my first name?" Ender asked suddenly

"Because it isn't proper...at least you don't insist on calling me by mine now" he gave a small smile "you have learnt some respect."

"What time is it?"

"Early evening" Rackham replied, not bothering to check "you've been out some time, I had to think of an excuse for you missing class."

Ender nodded, if they had known he was sick it normally only meant trouble, his heart lifted slightly

"You must care about me then, Sir"

Rackham glanced away, his stance indicating he was uncomfortable with the statement. Ender frowned

"I'm cold..." He shivered, his skin paler than normal

"Wiggin..." Rackham almost sounded whiny

"Did you think about what I said? Now is the time to make your mind up."

"I did, for once I obeyed a student"

"And?" Ender looked at him intently, his adoration as clear as the stars outside

"My answer should be no" Rackham met his gaze, his resistance beginning to waiver, his defences failing. Something he was unused to.

"Sir..." Rackham held up a hand to stop the inevitable speech

"I said should be. God knows why it might not be, my feelings are ones that would get me thrown in jail...and you should know better also" he sighed, a mix of frustration and desperation.

Ender swung himself round and sat on the edge of the bed, searching for something, anything to say but his mind was blank.

Rackham moved over and knelt on the floor beside him to be at his level

"Unfortunately for me you're very good at wearing me down, you happen to be the first student I have ever felt any affection for whatsoever."

"You hid it well" Ender said quietly, he edged closer and put his arm round him "you could just...hold me"

"You're incredibly sly, Wiggin, you know full well..." he paused and glanced away "when you are stuck like this for years on end your lusts takeover..."

"Then let them" Ender whispered, his breath warm on Rackham's ear, he took hold of his collar, more gently than the first time but the power and dominance was still there. Ender pushed closer, his hand settling on Rackham's thigh.
Rackham tried to protest but Ender shook his head and for once he was subdued, besides, he had nothing to say.

Ender's hand moved higher to his crotch and playfully flicked the zipper, his eyes back to their usual brightness, intent and probing.

Rackham got to his feet and, saying nothing, vanished into the bathroom. He leant against the wall with a sigh, his thoughts confused and pulling him in two directions.
He glanced round at Ender who had followed cautiously

"You know my feelings, Wiggin...they are not the kind I deal with very often or easily"

"I know...I read it..."

"What do you mean you read it? If it is what I think then what the hell where you doing in my files anyway?"

A dangerous glint appeared and Ender hurried to offer an explanation...a fairly poor one

"I was bored..."

"When I was your age and bored I used to work..."

"I'm not you."

"No...You're not" Rackham turned and looked at him for some time, no longer the young boy who had watched him with a mix of fear and awe. He was almost a young man, wise beyond his fourteen years and in better form than most. His gaze had changed and fear no longer resided in his eyes, worship merged with desire.
Rackham had no idea what could be read in his own except they apparently revealed too much, abruptly he turned away.

"I can't! I can't lose control like this, I never do..."

"Sir?"

"Please...just go...you have more important things to do and catch up on any work you missed"

The request sounded more like a plea but his tone left no room for argument and Ender slowly backed away, his thoughts as confused as his body...