Notes:
Update ! And we're at chapter 16 already ^^
This is quite a long chapter, compared to the previous chapters.
The song lyrics I used in this chapter are from Taylor Swift - Safe and Sound. If you don't know it, give it a try. To me it really sets the mood for when the time comes in this chapter.
I silently wished to never be part of the battlefield again, but the outstretched nature that lies before me is something I enjoy to an extent that tricks me into thinking there is no such thing as immediate danger. But appearances can be deceiving, since shortly after the tranquility, serenity and beauty, blood will flow, or so I learned last time. All in all it is like a little gift before most of us will be devoured by titans as something that is unfortunate bound to happen.
This morning I convinced myself and by acting like it, also April that all will be fine.
But deep down, in the core of my beating heart I'm scared shitless. I'm sure now time has passed and we're in the forest, it is written all over my face. I don't bother keeping up my tight mask of confidence, I only did so for her sake to begin with. I can't simply think myself out of awful thoughts, even if I do manage, it's only for a slight moment before they drift back and sit there uncomfortably, bugging me like a ghost.
I plump down on the broad tree branch as I throw my head backwards, closing my eyes as I let out a shaky breath.
"Can't keep up?" Levi turned around to head back as he now stood, unlike me, with a steady breath in front of me.
"Tell me if I'm wrong, but have you gotten even faster?"
"It is you that has slowed down." He pulls his brow up as I return the questioning look.
Searching for a deviant type titan suddenly seems like an impossible task, which is odd since I encountered at least three last month. My desperation to return back to the walls and end this as soon as possible has me wishing for an aberrant. I never knew I would be wishing to encounter a titan, but then again I never knew I would be outside the walls one day, acting as a (somewhat falsely) productive member of the Survey Corps.
Since I'm doing a believable job and somehow manage to fit in, not really, I've relaxed into my position of being a member of Levi's squad and the Survey Corps. I can act like myself. Well, more like me, around Levi and the rest. After all this time I spent with them, greeting them every morning and eating together, I feel at place. This is unusual since I've never felt like I belonged anywhere.
The underground was my playground, I know it like the back of my hand. Based on the crimes I committed and the life I lead, it all fitted perfectly in the picture of the underground criminal. Even though my actions reflected my surroundings and I knew how to handle, deal and blend into the society, it is the place I always hold memories of that nowadays my nightmares are about. I fitted in, but can I call that my home?
Living within wall Rose is something different from the dim underworld, where I could blend in the dark, here out in the open I stood out. I quickly came to realize you can't act the way you do down there. I was confused that people cautiously watched me like I was going to slit their throats with the knife I held. Yes, people around learned about the place I came from, the place that won't be named yet exists in these very fucking walls. Employers denied me work, would withdraw their already signed contracts or fire me if they found out too late. With a fuck you I would leave and again, somehow find myself practice the jobs I've been doing down there. From this respect, sadly nothing had changed.
I wanted a clean break, I've been longing for one, but how is that possible when you're shunned from the society you live in.
For once I truly do feel at place. I get to act like myself and not have the people around me judging. They take me as I am, they let me be, accept my behavior and sometimes foul language. I can hold meaningful conversations, laugh with or mostly at them and they are fairly good people to be around.
"Can we take a break?" I ask Levi as moments of silence past since I was too caught up in my whirling thoughts.
"If you promise me you will speed up afterwards." He also sits down, crossed legged and loosely in his position.
I let out a sigh that carries my overwhelming heavy feelings of doubt and concern about April. I've literally been counting birds just to not think about if she's alright or injured, maybe killed or eaten by a Titan - here I go again. I need to keep my thoughts at bay or the chances that I'll die of a heart attack will be greater than chances of being killed by a Titan.
"I'm worried sick." I blurt out as Levi stops staring into a random direction and looks at me.
"If you can do something about it, it is useless to worry. If you can't do anything about it, it is useless to worry." He says with such a straight face before looking to the right again.
"Simply said. Now if it were that easy..." I let the sentenced unfinished as I lean my head onto my palm and copy Levi's position.
I'm talking to keep me from thinking about her but it won't help if I'm talking about her. "What is your biggest regret in life?" I ask him randomly, hoping to ask a question that might take a minute or few to answer.
"I don't have any." He answers as he slowly turns to look at me again.
"You never told me about your family." I inquire random issues we've never discussed. I've realized how little I truly know about Levi. It is not like we had a lot of time alone, or rather time to talk about such things. The moment had just never been there, and I know it is mutual. He knows next to nothing about me, he never asked and I never told, that counts for both ways. I am curious, so I want to know, but right now it is mainly to keep myself busy.
"You never questioned." He grabs a cloth and starts wiping his already spotless, shiny sword. "What is your family like?" He never answers mine and returns it instead.
"A smart calm guy and immature, noisy girl is what my family consists of." I answer as he slightly smiles.
"When is your birthday?" I take my turn to question him again.
He huffs as he shakes his head. "You go from deep to private and complex to a simple question when my birthday is." He says as rather a question. "December 25th." He then adds.
"December." I repeat. "In less than three months." I think out loud. Will Zack give me the order before that time? Will I have to end this man's life before his birthday will roll by? Will I even be able to, considering I have no desire to harm him?
"What are you thinking about?" He asks as I focus my eyes while I already looked towards him. I fumble my fingers, but not in a nervous way.
"That you're not that bad." I tilt my head to the side.
He huffs and I give him a questioning look. "You're bad at complimenting."
"You're no hero at it either." I retort. "But I do like you." I confess with no provoking hint for him to say something back. Because it is sincere, he's alright, or maybe more than alright.
The fact that he doesn't respond or made a snarky remark back like I had expected, with a smirk plastered on his face, has him succeeding in making me feel embarrassed. "Just forget what I said." I mumble as I hang my head down and avert my eyes.
"I won't be able to forget that." He says as his voice is low and deep. He stands up and dusts his pants, the same moment a green flare is shot and my heart makes a leap of relieve. I open my mouth, about to say something but Levi reacts faster. "They've got one, let's go."
Together we head back and like I had promised, this time I am able to keep up with him. I also realized the past minutes I didn't worry my brains out about April, and that is quite something.
Before we stepped foot outside the walls I had thought of a way to let each other know what is going on. A green flare followed by a black one means that she and her squad are in trouble, and I would go meet to her as fast as capably possible. Black followed by green means she is alright and on her way back which should be right now, she promised me to fire the signal that only the two of us know the message behind.
I lean against a tree, observing Erwin, Mike and Levi talking across of me. It's been over half an hour since the Titan has been captured and I returned. Still, there's no sign of April and Jonah. My stomach turns into a knot as I get nauseous of the idea and feeling that something is off, feels wrong as if something has happened.
If something did happen, she would've fired the black and green smoke round and since I have no confirmation of her whereabouts or well-being, I force myself to stay put as calmly as possible
"Everyone regroup; get ready to return to the walls!"
It is as if my heart stops the moment I hear Erwin speak up, a second later my heart starts beating so fast up to the point I'm nervous about my own well-being.
"Wait!" I yell, silencing the soldiers as Erwin too, glances over to me. "Not everyone has returned yet." I say hesitant and softer. I walk towards Erwin who still stands with Mike and Levi.
"Can we wai-?" I ask of Erwin but stop the moment I notice the look on his face. An expression that says we won't wait, that there's nothing we can do.
His answer isn't what I want to hear, I reject the idea of accepting a no. "We successfully captured the Titan, if we wait any longer we might have more casualties." I keep staring at him and he knows that his explanation doesn't satisfy me. "If someone is missing we should presume they're dead." Erwin's hard, cold words are like a stab in the heart and leave me breathless.
I stare at the ground, the thought that April might be alive and that I will be leaving her on Titan territory, where she surely won't survive alone, is beyond unthinkable.
I push the five head taller man against the tree. "Presume they're dead?" I repeat angry. "There isn't a recovery team? Last time we had to look for survivors, why not now?" I nearly shout as I look him in the eyes, his unwavering and indifferent to the point that I doubt he even heard me.
But that is a commander for you. I know that he is making hard decisions, abandoning others in order to save the greater number.
I faintly hear Levi warningly call my name but it is only an echo in the back of my mind that isn't enough to draw my attention entirely.
"There is no time." He simply states.
Knowing that my actions and words are futile and that I won't accomplish anything with my stubbornness right now, I decide to walk away.
"I'll go look for them." I turn and start walking, not knowing what particular direction I should be going. Levi suddenly grabs my arm as he spins me around.
"If you go now it will be the death of you." He frowns and his expression wanders somewhere between worry and anger as more wrinkles started to form on his face.
"So what?!" I say with a hint of desperation audible. His eyes go wide for less than a second that I'd almost second guess myself for seeing it, a second later a scowl marks his face. His grip loosens and I shake him off.
I couldn't live with myself if I let her die to fate, which wouldn't be escapable. I'd rather die than leave at this point.
Levi abruptly turns me around and I'm about to shout, but he hooks his foot behind mine and pins me to the ground. With him on top of me I fall back with a gasp as he now hovers above me while I eye him from underneath, his hands holding my wrists above my head. "I have the responsibility for your life." He starts as he looks enraged as well.
"And I take responsibility for her life!" I shout, becoming more desperate with each passing second of no signal from her. "You have lost your friends on the battlefield too, right? Can't you imagine how I feel?" I ask. Thinking about the story he once told me that unexpectedly reaches the surface again.
"That's right." He says as he lets go of my hands and I rub both wrists from his surprisingly firm grip. "However, what you want or feel right not isn't important, you should know that much. This is the battlefield, how harsh it may seem, the lives of those soldiers over there." He looks behind him to the others getting ready for departure. "Are not worth the risk of saving the life of five, whom we don´t know are alive or not."
It feels like he is scolding me for doing so, for putting April above all the people with us. However I never saw it that way, I just want her beside me, safe, it has nothing to do with the other soldiers.
He climbs off me and reaches out his hand, hesitantly I grab it as he pulls me up in one go. He is right, all of what he has said, I know he has a valid point. Even though I know that much, it's not enough to keep me from moving.
He lets out a sigh as he glances back to where the soldiers have already climbed their horses. When his eyes lock with mine again I sense the tension between us, thick and present. Impatiently I'm waiting while tapping my feet, fidgeting my finger and nervously biting my lip.
When Levi turns his back to me and slowly walks away, it feels like my last hope is distancing itself from me. I reach out my hand to him but bawl it midair and bring it to my chest as I stare down at my feet.
"Just be quick and watch your gas. Find April." He says and continues walking. "And don't you dare die on me Jaclyn."
It takes me a second to realize he just granted me permission to go search for her. Not that I otherwise wouldn't do it, but he probably will create some time for me so I can return with them. I just need to be quick.
I run and jump in the air, launching my gear as I race through the woods. I'm not heading to any particular direction, just looking for any sign of humans. I have lost my sense of direction and my movements are slightly off. I hear my heartbeat drum in my ears as I see no sign of life.
Abruptly a green smoke round is launched, followed by a black one that overpowers the other colour. No doubt in my mind that it's April who had shot those. The black smoke swallows the vivid green until there's nothing left of it, it is like a cloud of death and I'm growing more nervous the closer I get. I'm afraid of what I'll find once I get to her.
"Please be okay." I repeatedly whisper to myself as I dodge the trees, flying at full speed through the forest.
I near the area where the signal had been shot, the smoke faded but remains still linger around, drifted apart by the wind. Suddenly I hear a scream, filled with pain and horror.
"April?!" I recognize her voice and yell while searching the grounds.
"Jaclyn!" I hear her scream again. Frantically my eyes swift from left to right as I search the ground for her. I squint my eyes when I see something that looks out of place with the nature surroundings. My eyes go wide when I realize it is April who sits against a tree, almost invisible, her cape working as a camouflage that blends in with the green landscape.
I shoot my cables into the trees as I make my way over to April, landing on the ground in front of her as I run the last steps.
I kneel on the earthy soil that's covered in autumn leaves. I lift her chin to observe her face. "Are you okay?" I ask, voice thick with emotion. I search her body for any signs of injury but as far as I can see there is nothing out of place.
"April?" I take her face in my hands as I kneel before her. "Are you injured?" I ask slowly as a lump is building up in my throat.
Her expression varies between relief and pain, she smiles weakly but directly after pulls her face into a frown as she chokes on her words. "I'm sorry."
I want to ask for what but before I'm able to open my mouth she pulls the green cape off of her.
I gasp as my eyes widen, I stare in disbelief and denial to her wounds. Her stomach is ripped open, blood and flesh visible between the ripped pieces of clothing. "That Titan bit me and threw me away, I managed to fire the smoke rounds afterwards." She explains.
I swallow tightly, trying to remain calm as my thoughts rush back and forth. What do I do? I'm not a doctor, nothing close to it, but I don't need to be educated to know that this is bad to say in the least. "Stay with me!" I raise my voice to keep her conscious. Her head hangs forward as her eyelids slowly flutter close. "April!" I grab her green cape off the ground as I wrap it around her body, tying it to her stomach in an attempt to lessen the flowing stream of blood.
"Come on." My breathing picks up speed as I start to panic but try to remain confident and calm for her sake, which takes everything I have.
"No." She whispered softly and confused I look at her. I hear a loud growl, I turn around to see the Titan in the distance, standing on its hands and feet.
"April we need to move now!" I say as I slip my hand under her legs, my other hand supporting her back as I slowly lift her feather light body from the earth.
"S..stop!" She shouts, tears streaming down her face. "We don't have time!" I unintentionally shout back.
"Please... Jaclyn, please." She cries in my arms, pulling my cape. "Put me down." I turn around to the Titan, it is definitely an aberrant, standing on its arms and legs, sniffing around like a dog as if it is searching for us through its nose.
While every nerve in my body screams no, go now and don't put her down, I tentatively kneel as I carefully lay her body to the ground again. "What is it? Does it hurt too much?" I ask as I stroke her cheek.
She lays on the ground as she's looking up past me, I follow her gaze as we now both stare up to the light clouded blue sky where sunlight enters the forest. It is usually a dark place because the many leafs block out most daylight, but here there is a huge gap where the sky is clearly visible.
"Let's not pretend." She starts, her voice suddenly hard. "I'm as good as dead and we both know it." She whimpers between broken sobs, lifting her arm with great difficulty to wipe her tears away with her sleeve. "I'm sorry. I should've listened to you but I was too stubborn. I'm so sorry Jaclyn!"
I stare at her. No, is all I think. No you're not as good as dead. You're alive and I will take you with me. I need her alive and by my side.
"No! Shut up! I'll take you with me!" I shake my head as I hold back the tears that are pricking my eyes, refusing the idea of returning alone.
"Tell Kay I love him." She whispers almost inaudible.
"You tell him yourself!" I scream as the Titan lets out a loud growl and turns our way.
I stand up and draw my blades. First I have to kill this Titan and then I'll take April to safety.
"April, bear with it just a little longer. I'll kill the Tita-." I turn around to face her again.
"What are you... April don't!" I yell at the top of my lungs as I see the horrifying image of her, burned on my eyelids forever. She lays on the ground, holding the titan blade pointed towards her own chest as she forces its way in, blood splashing in the air and gushing out of the wound. I fall to my knees in shock, eyes wide as I'm lost for words, sounds that don't make up words escape my quivering lips.
"You've done enough for me. You took me out the underground, because of you I tasted freedom, felt the sun on my skin." I am paralyzed as the girl talks with a peaceful smile on her face, a few silent tears falling to her ears.
"I am scared to die Jaclyn." She confesses in the same tone she did two nights ago. "But with this view and you by my side, it's not that bad. Look how beautiful the sky is." She lifts her arm towards the heavens and opens her hand. She takes my hand in her bloodied one."Don't you dare feel guilty." She orders me. "I love you Jaclyn."
"I love you too." I blurt out. My eyes shift between her so peaceful looking face and the blood flowing from her chest. Soft sobs escape my mouth as they gradually become louder. This can't be happening. I shouldn't have left her alone, how could I be so stupid. "April where did the others go? Where is the rest of the squad?" I ask as I look around. "Don't tell me they also..." I glance down to her as she nods with a pained expression.
So then all five of them were killed by that Titan.
"Jaclyn." April speaks up and waits until I look her in the eye. "Send me off with a song?"
I'm completely caught off guard by her question. She looks at me with pleading eyes and of course I can't decline her last request. I think hard of a song that is soothing, soft and will send her soul away peacefully. Tentatively I start singing. My voice soft and croaked, barely able to speak as a lump is building up in my throat.
"I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go.
When all those shadows almost killed your light..."
I lean down and plant a soft kiss on her forehead as her eyes flutter closed. I slowly keep rubbing circles on her hand as she tightens her fingers around mine.
"I remember you say, don't leave me here alone, but all that's dead and gone and past, tonight."
Her intakes of breaths are becoming less as her chest almost unnoticeably rises and falls. With great difficulty she forces her eyes open to look at me as she offers me a smile. "I accept death." She says softly.
"Just close your eyes,
The sun is going down.
You'll be alright,
No one can hurt you now.
Come morning light,
you and I'll be safe and sound."
I finish as her body becomes lifeless, her grip loosening and arms falling to her sides, eyes open but no air leaving or entering her lips. No heartbeat anymore, no response as I stroke her cheek.
I bite my lip painfully to the point where blood seeps out. I grip my hair tightly and keep shaking my head. I let out a scream of grief and sorrow as my head falls to her chest. Fists bawled and slamming them into the earth. Denial swallows me whole as I can't wrap my head around reality. This can't be happening, this is just a bad dream, I will wake up with April in my arms, yet this looks too real. I pinch myself and the pain I feel is a reminder that in fact, I'm not dreaming. After moments pass I pull myself up and look at her motionless smiling face.
I swipe my hand across her face as I close her eyes and tidy her wild hair. "April." I whisper. "Don't go where I can't follow." I cover my heart with my fist as I grip my skin tightly. It feels broken beyond repair, heartstrings pulled out as I keep staring at her lifeless body. After minutes of loudly sobbing without tears I manage to silence myself.
The silence before me is disturbed by the loud growl of the Titan that I for a moment forgot, it is heading our way. I won't let it touch April, even if it kills me,
I swing in the air to the Titan as it suddenly grabs me, it's movements are precise and fast, more like a human than an actual Titan. Now I do understand how it was able to defeat five soldiers all at once. "I refuse to get killed by hideous creatures like you!" My body aches under the crushing power of the Titan, I am unable to breath as my lungs have no room to expand. It feels like my bones are about to crush, on the verge of breaking in half. With my free hand I swing the blade through the air, cutting the thumb of the Titan off and creating space for me to escape. I gasp for air as soon as I am freed, lungs that so desperately seek for oxygen take the first chance to refill them again.
Broken like a hopeless puppet I scream to the Titan. "You took the most important person away from me!" I say as if we communicate in the same language. My voice once as steady and unwavering as it was, now cracking and crumbling under my raging emotions.
"But why, why do you kill us!" I demand an answer. I stand on top of a branch, the Titan standing under me, looking hungry for another soul to take. It humongous mouth is wide open, saliva splashing through the air and growling back at me. "Why?!" I asked again, this time on the verge of tears.
The Titan growls deafening, so loud my ears start to hurt as I cover them with my hands. Birds jump off the branches and fly away from the sudden noise.
My vocal cords have had too much to endure today, because the next time I speak my voice is only as loud as a whisper. "Why?"
The Titan slams his hands against the tree, causing it to tremble heavily, it is probably sick of my whining and losing its patience. I realise my attempts are useless. It is just another fucking Titan, aberrant or not, still mindless. "God Jaclyn, what the fuck are you doing." I say to myself, slowly coming back to my senses.
I jump off the branch, the chords holding me up in the air as the gas pushes me forward. Even though the Titan is faster than usual, I am quicker, even in my poor state of losing my fucking mind. I take a big swing around its body and reach the neck, my blades penetrated the skin effortlessly as a big chunk of flesh flies into the air. The Titan immediately falls back and it's body is already starting to evaporate into this air until nothing remains. I land on a branch again as I realise I'm running low on gas.
The only sound that reaches my hearing is the soothing sound of the wind, the crisp leaves falling to the ground and the flapping wings of the birds. The others are long out of sight, I don't even know how far I wandered. Nobody knows where I am, I have no horse or gas to move and worst of all, I've lost April.
I try to think of options to get out of this mess but realize soon enough there are next to none. I'm stuck and nobody will look for me. For all they know I'm already dead, if I don't return they should presume I'm dead, isn't that right?
With no other options I try to get familiar with the highly possibility of not returning alive. At least I want to choose the way I go. I make my way up to the highest treetop with the little gas I have left. I take a deep breath, enjoying the panoramic view in front of me. The sun is already low on the horizon. The sky colored in amazing hues of bright red and orange, giving the illusion as if the clouds are on fire.
"I wish April could see this." I sigh to myself. It feels good to be up here in silence, so high, away from the danger and chaos of the world. The wind is blowing steady and calm, causing the leafs to rustle in respond. My hot cheeks cooling at its pleasant touch.
I feel numb, but I enjoy the beautiful sight from the top of the tree over the forest, the tall walls looking incredible small from this distance.
The pleasant feeling of peace and serenity don't last long as the events of moments ago repeat themselves in my mind, haunting me. I cringe as new tears once again form up, leaving my eyes stinging and sight hazy, but I refuse to let them fall.
I accept death.
Her last words, in that sweet but steady voice, echoed in the back of my mind. My chest feels hollow, as if there is no heartbeat. I remember myself being like this back in the underground, like a dead corps wandering around, not caring about anyone or anything. It was like rotting away with no desire to live, that was until I met April and Kay. They taught me how it was to live and feel again, but now, once again, my spirit to live and fight is burning low.
Kay is still save within the walls. At least that thought made me smile, he is still alive, still oblivious to the fact that April is gone.
I climb a few branches down as I undo my manuvuer gear. I let it slip out of my hands as it falls the long way down, along with my only defense weapons. There is nothing I can do. I can either wait for someone to rescue me what is highly unlikely, get killed by Titans or end it myself. The last option is the quickest and sounds the most appealing.
I stare down, I'm about 70 meters above ground. Good thing I'm not scared of heights because it looks like a long fall back to earth.
I turn around, my heels over the edge of the branch. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you April." I close my eyes as a tear finally finds a route to escape. "Forgive me for giving up, Kay." I whisper as I spread my arms wide open. I lean backwards as I fall, my feet no longer resting on the branch. Now it is only a matter of seconds before I'll fall to my death on the damp forest grounds. I hear my heartbeat throbbing in my ears, blocking out all other sounds. I open my eyes again as I see little bits of the orange sky through the leafs, the wind rushing past me. It is as if everything goes in slow motion, I feel peaceful. Memories cross my mind, the day I met April, how we used to watch the stars, shared our stories. Memories of Kay, the underground, the short time I spent above. I am still young, I have many things planned for the future, so many things I still wanted to see and do. But I had met April and Kay, that is enough, they are enough. This isn't a bad way to go. I get to die outside the walls, alone and in peace by my own decision. "I accept death."