And here's chapter 21 already! I'm happy many of you stick with me after so many chapters!
It's kinda short this time, sorry for that, next one will be longer for sure.
Anywaysssss, enjoy!
I sit on my bed leaning against the cold wall behind me, hands tightly gripping my hair as tears escape the corners of my eyes. Endlessly I wipe them away before they're able to complete their path down. This is the first time since April died I have a moment alone, without Jonah in the room or guards on watch outside the cell. I craved privacy, yet dreaded the moment I will be left alone, because then the overwhelming thoughts will possess my mind. My demons, my own fears and doubts haunting me in the dark of the night as I sit alone in the eerily quiet room.
As I once again sit in the house I call home after being away for so long, its like nothing has actually happened. I haven't truly processed anything till this point. Before the painful thoughts would become too much, I would numb them out. But eventually I have to face them, and now in the silence there's no running from it anymore.
April is dead.
I've been sold out by someone I trusted.
Zack himself is trying to lock me behind bars.
With a shaky breath I unsteadily force myself to my feet and walk the few steps, standing before the mirror. I stare at the round glass on top of the drawer. I don't recognize my own reflection. I look worn out, tired with bags under my eyes while they're red and puffy from tears, wet streaks covering my cheeks. I comb my hands though my locks, I can't remember the last time my hair has grown this long, black curly locks falling just over my shoulders.
It is my fault, isn't it? Ethan is right I-
No, it's not. I know it's not my fault, yet I can't shake this feeling that I'm to blame.
Tears gradually add up and fall down to my chin again. "What has happened to you?" I whisper as I look at the woman who stares right back to me. "Pathetic." I say softly as my voice creaks, almost not even audible to my own ears. I bawl my fists and without thinking I smash the mirror to a thousand pieces. I shut my eyes at the deafening sound, falling to my knees as I turn my hand to look at my bloodied fist. Pieces of glass stick out of my skin as blood trails down my hand and to the floor. Abruptly the door swings open, light from the hallway illuminating my frame as Levi stands before me. He looks around the room before his eyes fall on me.
"Sorry if I woke you." I apologize.
I stand up and walk towards the door, ignoring the pain and sound of glass that enters my skin as I walk on the mirror covered floor. My body feels numb, the only pain I sense is my heart that feels like it has been broken into more pieces than the mirror I just shattered.
Before I was able to pass him he stops me by placing his hands on my shoulders. He lifts my chin to look at me as I avert my eyes, to anything but his face. Unable to hold them still, my lips quiver and it feels like I can cry for another half hour.
"Why did you do that?" He asks softly.
"Why?" I repeat, honestly trying to come up with an answer as I forcefully lock my eyes with him. "I can't stand to look at myself."
"You blame yourself for what happened to April?" He asks and when he mentions her name my heart hurts, realizing that in fact I do.
"For one."
"There's more to it?"
"You've got no idea." I breath out.
My mind wanders back to the people I've lost. When thinking back, I did always blame myself for their early deaths. April is the third person close to me I've lost in my life and I don't know if I'll be able to handle much more. If my heart can bear any more losses. The devastating guilt sits heavily on my shoulder and is present at the back of my mind, eating me alive.
He wipes a tear that rolls down and when his finger brushes my cheek, I sharply turn my head away. "Don't touch me." I warn and take a step back, slapping his hand away. His touch feels warm and comforting, yet when he does, I feel like bursting out in tears. He steps towards me and I hold my arms out, keeping a distance between us. I stare down the ground, slightly embarrassed that he sees this other side of me, fragile and weak. He locks his hand behind my back while mine are against his chest, pushing him away. "I said don't touch-" I mutter before he pulls me forward to him. "Me." I mumble to his chest.
When I blink, silent tears make their way down from my red and glossy eyes. I tightly grip Levi's shirt as I let my head fall against his chest. Unlike me, he is calm and his embrace feels safe and secure. "It's only natural to cry, don't try to fight it." He says soothingly and backs away to look at me.
"I don't want to." I sniff, trying to catch my breath.
He holds onto me until I've steadied my breathing. "I'll clean this up for you." He offers and takes my bloodied fist with broken mirror pieces in his. He turns to have a better look at it. Without warning he pulls a large piece of glass out. The pain I didn't feel before now crashes into me all at once as if I just inflicted the wound. I open my mouth to let out a yell of pain but my throat is so sore that no sound passes my lips. "Wait in the bathroom." He says and I nod obediently. As I make my way to it, I leave a bloody trail behind.
I open the bathroom door and flicker the light on, putting the toilet seat down and sit, lifting my foot to look at it.
Just like my fist, glass is stuck in my foot but again, I'm too tired to care or even feel the amount of pain I should sense right now. A minute later Levi enters and pulls a chair in front of me. He lays a tray with all sorts of medical equipment on the tiles as he first pulls out the large pieces, every time I flinch at the sensation.
"How long have you known April?" He suddenly asks and it caught me off guard.
I think as I count up the years. "Um, seven years. Why?"
"What did you like to do together?" He asks and swiftly looks up from my hand.
Confused I think about it and answer. "We used to gaze at the stars whenever there was a clear sky, we would talk all night long." I slightly smile as I think of the memories that hold a special place in my heart and give me a sense of warmth and happiness. "She liked to bake and was happy as long as I enjoyed her creations." I add. I notice the corner of his lips also slightly turn upwards and when he glances at me I quickly look away. "Why did you ask?" I wonder.
"Because just now you weren't focused on the pain. Your hand is already banded up." He says and I hold my hand in front of me to see that indeed, it is wrapped up.
"Your feet." He motions for me to lift it so I can rest it onto his lap. He doesn't even hesitate a second to grab my foot, I know he had a thing for hygiene and cleaning so the fact that it doesn't bothers him brings a faint smile to my face.
Clearing my throat I put on a more serious expression. "Levi." I tentatively start. We haven't properly talked about me, him or the reason I joined Survey Corps. I have no idea where his mind is. What does he think of the situation, the person that's behind it? What does he think of me? Does he resent me, think I'm a bad person? That's something that has been bothering me, since I really do like him. When he confronted me he said he was glad that it was me, he kissed me and reassured me, but I feel like there is still a faint feeling of doubt even though he spoke those words.
"Perhaps it's not my place to say this." He stops and directs his attention towards me. "But I'm sorry to burden you with even more problems. The fact that you had me with an assassination behind your head, that I lied to you." My words gradually soften when I speak the sentence. He looks back down and grabs my right feet when he's done with the left.
"I know there's no point in wishing I could take it back, because I simply can't... I just want you to know I would've never done it if I knew what you were like, and that's not because I got caught. You don't deserve this. Even right now I'm bothering you more with my thoughtless acts." I sigh. I haven't said this much at once to Levi ever since I met him. I might not reach his ears but I had this weird need to get it off my chest, so I'm glad I put my pride aside and told him anyways.
"I don't forgive you." He says flatly.
My heart sinks, leaving me with a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't expect him to, but somewhere I stupidly had hoped he would, to some extent. "I understand." I mutter and glance down again.
"Because I never blamed you for it, there's nothing I have to forgive."
I frown, both relieved and confused I look up to him. "I guess I'll never know what goes on in that head of yours." I weakly smile. "But, why?"
His eyes pierce into mine. "I don't blame you for doing everything in your power to survive." He explains. "I know what it's like Jaclyn, do you really regret you took on this job?" His fingers lift my chin so I look straight at him.
"I... I do. In the end I do." I stammer.
"You're not stupid. If you had the money to sustain you and your friends you wouldn't have taken on the job, right? I know you wouldn't do it for reasons like greed for money. Your choices have kept you alive and out of the underground." He says while studying my face, making sure every words sinks in. I slowly absorb his words that mean a lot to me. I'm lost for words as he continues treating my foot, he's doing some finishing touches on the bandage as I have trouble keeping, once again, my tears away.
"What are you crying for?" He says startled. "Did I upset you just now?"
"No." I chuckle through broken sobs, wiping my face dry. "The opposite of that. To me it was a rule to never accept help from anyone, because you'll be in a dept and they'll come to you one day and you will have to repay them. That's why I couldn't stand you being nice to me, giving me a private lesson, rescuing me from a Titan, fixing my clothes. I figured one day you would use these things against me. That was my insecurity." I murmur.
"Whatever I do for you, I do it because I want to. I'll never expect anything in return." He makes sure I heard that clearly as I hesitantly nod. He's done with bandaging my feet and tells me to stand. Before it didn't, but right now when I stand my feet hurt. Nothing I can't handle though, it should be over soon. "You can still walk?" He asks and I nod.
"I walk as if it's my first fucking time though." I say as I hold the walls for support and waggle along the hallway. When I look back I see Levi leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed, a chuckle escaping his lips, lightning his features and so do mine at the sight. "I'm happy I'm able to amuse you." I say sarcastically.
He laughs as he shakes his head. He pushes himself off the wall and walks down the stairs. "I'll get something to clean your room." He says and disappears downstairs. When I put foot in my room I cautiously walk around tiptoeing, making sure I don't stand on any glass again.
I climb onto my bed as I see Levi walking up the stairs again with a broom, making sure all the glass is gone from the floor and picks up the other pieces that are scattered across the floor. I watch him work as he's focused on getting everything clear. "You look cute in Kay's pajama." I tease as he throws me an irritated look.
"That boy is so damn tall." He curses softly. Hanji will bring his clothes soon but until then he will have to wear Kay's clothes, they're at least two sizes too big. He puts the broom in the corner. "I'm going back to bed." He says as he walks over to the door.
"Levi." I stop him and he peers over his shoulder. "Would you mind staying here?"
"No. That would be troublesome." He says and doesn't explains himself further.
"Troublesome?" I repeat. "You mean... you don't want to?" I say reluctant, immediately regretting asking. "Never mind. Goodnight." I say and climb under the covers as I lay with my back to him. "Please close the door as you leave." I say and snuggle under the blanket, face pressed into the pillow.
I hear the door softly close as I let out a sigh. I shriek when the covers are pulled up, the warmth my body created gone in an instant, but replaced by another warm body. I smile to myself and turn around and see him lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. His eyes reflecting the little light that enters the room. It must be midnight by now I guess. Wordlessly I move closer and let my arm rest across his stomach as my face lightly leans on his chest. "Thank you." I whisper after a while, not bothering to check if he's still awake to hear it. I listen to his steady heartbeat as I drift into a peaceful sleep myself.
From now on I have very little content written for the upcoming chapters... Until now I had a clear view of where I was going but I'm not so sure what direction I'll be heading right now... Soooooo, I might update irregularly from now on! Of course, I'll try my best to update as fast as I can. Please be patient with me!
Cha - I'm glad that I am able to hold your interest! And thank you, I really need the good luck...!
GoldenLombaxGirl - Happy to hear that and I can promise you more moments of them! ^^
ixpizel - Hope you had a great New Year and thank you!