Holy damn, long ass chapter. Longest one I've written so far. This took me forever but I'm finally done!
The quality of my writing is kinda shitty because its so long but oh well oops.
New chapter! I hope you guys enjoy! ^^
Warning: OOCness. (I've given up on that, sorry...) Also I still need to proof read so there might be some mistakes.
GoldenLombaxGirl - Hope you like this chapter and bless you for being a loyal reviewer! ^^
Guest - I'm glad you like them! Also happy to know you don't mind since it's kinda hard... Hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you for the review!
With little to no energy left in my weakened body, I struggle to keep my eyes open. Something as simple as keeping my lids parted is draining me. If Levi hadn't asked, no - ordered me to do so I would've been vast asleep by now, or lost consciousness. Each second that soundlessly passes by I find more and more difficulty in doing so. Instead of looking at nothing, blankly staring around me I try to focus on my surroundings, the birds and the trees - but the familiar and never changing sight doesn't help keeping me conscious.
I let out a soft groan as I clench my eyes shut. I recall how we got away, how Levi, probably Hanji - had planned the well organized escape. We left within the blink of an eye, startling everyone including myself in the moment and he took that opportunity to make a dash for it, through the window that is. I assume that by now we've traveled quite a distance, but most likely it's my mind deceiving me though, because every minute feels like an eternity. I'm sure by now exhaustion is taking its toll on me.
Subconsciously I stare at Levi holding me, watching him as the hairs dance around his face when a gentle breeze blows them backwards. He seems in deep thought, a frown making its way to his face as he briefly glances up towards the cloudless sky, the sunbeams peeking along the orange and ruby leaves as they dance in the wind before he gazes down to me. I stare right into his dark orbs, wondering what he's thinking about. The frown eases away as a small, almost unnoticeable smile replaces it.
"What?" I ask, surprised by my own soft voice. He shifts his gaze as he continues to look onwards, dismissing my question I never thought would be answered anyway.
I'm sure that the past few days we had spent together, Levi didn't inform me about any details of this plan simply because he was told not to. Broadly, yes I knew what I needed to do, where I was going and somewhere along the lines did they tell me Levi would be right there with me the entire time. Hanji had told me that evening after court, that night was only days ago and still a fresh memory in my mind. That same night I was confronted by Ethan. In the darkness of nightfall when I without thinking straight shattered my mirror and treated myself to a bloody fist. Only days have passed since that time yet so many things took place. Somewhere in between it all I lost track of time. Life right now is one event, one outcome after the other, that is how I keep track of days, weeks and months.
I blink a couple times, trying to sharpen my foggy view. I spaced out once more because I didn't even notice he had put me on the damp forest grounds and I was leaning against a tree.
"Wait here." Levi says, or rather orders as I snap out of my daze again. Man I need to get myself together. I look up to him and nod in reply, it's not like I have the energy to stand - let alone move around. His figure fades along with the sounds of his footsteps, the leaves and branches crunching under the weight of his feet and he seemingly becomes blurry with every step of distance growing between us, or is it just my vision again?
I bring my hands in front of me, unfolding them as I open my palms. When they tied me up a second time and it felt like my skin was being torn under the material of the ropes, I didn't realize that was actually happening. Even now, little drops of red fluid seep out of the cut, creating a path as they trail down my arm to my elbow.
In my groggy, lightheaded state I hear a horse nearing, its hooves bouncing to the earth soil.
Apparently I still have the energy left in me to panic, because my heart starts beating faster at the thought. Have they found us already? With pained movements I force myself to my feet as I use the tree for support. I stand up against it and grab the knife I keep in my back pocket. How many did I have on me again? I squint my eyes as I wait for any sign of life besides the still nature before me. My heart beats unnaturally loud, or so it feels. I can feel the pulse in my whole body, somewhat deafening me, blurring my senses as the drumming hooves of the horse grows more noisy.
When the horse reaches into eye range I realize Levi's on it. My knees start trembling again as I let out a sigh of relief, and the painfully solid grip loosens as the weapon slips through my fingers, falling next to my feet. Right now I feel too tired - no, exhausted to stand. To even to think properly. I wonder why, though. I dealt with immediate life threatening cases, received worse injuries.
Possibly it's because everything has been emotionally and physically wearisome.
"You shouldn't stand yet." He jumps off and ties the bridles to a tree before he walks the few steps over to me. I see his eyes trailing down towards the fallen blade before he steps forward to support me and gently sits me back onto the leave covered soil. "You thought I was the Military Police?" He asks with a frown that eases away after a moment.
"Should have known they aren't that fast." I wryly grin.
He kneels before me and carefully turns my hands to expose the blood covered wrists. Majority of it has dried, a few red drops still flowing out.
"It's not that bad." I say in thought.
Levi reaches for the bag and pulls out a water bottle, holding my colder hand in his warmer ones as he bends it towards him. I watch him with half lidded eyes as he briefly meets mine before directing his attention back to the cut. "Just because you can handle it doesn't mean it's not bad." He pours the water over my wrist as the bordeaux fluid washes away, merging with the clear liquid that turns into a pinkish color.
I mumble a soft whatever, followed by a sigh as I lean my head back and shut my eyes momentarily, letting the water cleanse my wounds.
"I didn't expect your mother to be there." He breaks the comfortable silence. I lift my brow, opening one eye to look at him, seeing he's still focused on my arms. "You did a good job at keeping her from doing something stupid. Must've been hard." He talks to me while he brushes the area around my injury, making me flinch.
"Levi." I mutter through gritted teeth. Is this him trying to comfort me? An attempt to make me forget about the pain like he has done before? I won't acknowledge it, but I'd lie if I say it doesn't hurt to be reminded of her, truly it is the last thing I need right now.
When I fall silent again he continues.
"The girl with the black hair, you recognized her, right?" He asks, eyes shifting to mine for a second before he looks back after I nodded. "She cooperated with us."
My eyes widen shortly before I grimace, going over it in my head. Ella? That would mean she helped them - no, helped me. But... "Why? How?"
"The gun she handed over, it didn't contain bullets." He explains. "If it in some way would get out of hand - which I think it did…" He trails off, as if he was recalling the moments before he continues. "He couldn't have killed you."
I slowly nod, eyes focused on him aiding my cuts. He pulls off his green cape, the Survey Corps'. The piece of cloth I willingly took on and have been wearing as a one of them, as a brave soldier that without reluctance would give their life for the greater good known as mankind.
Before the revelation, before April died, I enjoyed my time there. The Survey Corps, its members, its leaders and captains, they are all part of a fond memory. They took me under their wing as their friend and comrade, they took me under their wings of freedom. Dressed me in the cape where I was able to wander outside the walls, freely and in a way - able to fly.
I watch Levi put one end of the cape between his teeth, pulling at the other end as he tears the fabric apart, right through the blue and white wings. It is like the nostalgic memories I had just now were also torn apart together with that small movement, wings being ripped apart just like freedom was taken away once again.
Within an instant my life had turned into yet another drastic direction before I was even able to grasp my mind around it. Everything had changed when April was gone - even before that. Erwin had received Ethan's letter before that time, without me even realizing it my near future was already doomed. It was only until Levi confronted me everything actually changed.
At this point in time it's best to follow whatever they order me to do. I'm as good as powerless, I have little to no influence over what happens next and its making me restless.
But the tender and warm heartfelt memorization I have won't change, at least. I will treasure them as long as I live. My eyes flutter close, this time I give up the what feels like an endless fight I know I will lose against sleep that will consume me any second. "Didn't I tell you not to close them?" My thoughts drift back and forth like clouds coming and passing, turning into raindrops that fall and disappear somewhere into the back of my hazy mind. "He was right about one thing, you're a pain in the ass." Levi must've noticed I traveled far back into my mind, into another world again, because even though his voice is faintly audible, I don't respond. With both ends of the cloth I can vaguely feel him wrapping it around my wrists, stopping the tiny drops of blood from flowing out. "A pain in the ass I don't mind protecting."
As I open my heavy lids I see the sun above the horizon, it's now dim light peeking through the trees. After blinking myself awake and alert I realize where I am again - or rather we are. I lift my upper body off the ground by leaning onto my elbows, knowing that I'm not alone, I look around.
"Eat." I hear Levi speak and slightly turn to see him sitting next to me and the horse behind him. He hands a piece of bread over which I gladly take, my stomach growling in response to the sight. I haven't eaten since this morning, I'll have a proper meal once we get back I mentally note.
I turn to Levi again who stands up. He grabs our stuff; puts it on the horse as he looks over his shoulder to my fragile form steadied against the three. "We need to keep moving-"
"Or they'll find us." I sigh. "I know." I dread the journey back that lays ahead of us. Not having the energy to complain or stand up myself I let Levi lift me from the ground. He shoves one arm under my legs as he supports my back with the other, lifting me higher so I'm able to climb onto the horse. He sits in front as I let my head rest against him, my cheek pressed flat to his back. As the horse starts moving I feel myself slowly doze away again as I gently rock from left to right and it feels strangely comfortable.
With each step I watch the peaceful woodland, the trees slowly passing us by. Before long today is nearing its end as we're losing daylight. We'll have to find a place to sleep soon. For sure the Military Police won't be pursuing us during the darkness of the night hours, so I'm certain we'll be able to catch some rest before we'll have to be on the go again.
As I stare at the trees coming into my vision for what feels like hours on end, we suddenly pass a lake, one that reminds me of the summers I spent with Noah and Ivy. I squint my eyes. It feels like I've been here before, but why when the forest scenery looks all the same.
I lift my face from his comfy back and glance around. When my eyes fall onto a cabin that's almost invisible due the moss covered wood, I realize exactly where we are.
I cringe at the thought but I know it's probably the best choice for now. "Wait." I blurt out as Levi pulls the bridles and the horse comes to a still stand. I swing one leg over the horse and jump off, an agonizing pain shot through my body, causing me to freeze in my movements. "I'm alright." I assure and turn to see that Levi already parted his lips to ask the question I answered.
I stroll to the cabin and try to open the door, but it's locked. I peek through the window but there is nothing to see, just an empty and dark cabin that hasn't been used in years. "We can rest here for the night." I suggest.
"You've been here before?" He asks as he lands onto the ground and briefly observes our nature-only surroundings before his eyes fall on the basic looking wooden cabin.
Reluctantly I nod, the unpleasant and bitter memories creeping back into my mind like a vivid dream. I shake my head and instead try to center my focus on opening the wooden doorway. I try unlocking it but to my dismay it costs me a lot of time, or so it feels like and it leaves me frustrated. I swipe the sweat that these small movements cause from my forehead. There's no doctor needed to know that my condition is bad, but even so, being my stubborn self I try my hardest to hide that fact.
Levi leans on one foot and kicks the door in effortlessly. The wood cracks under the force and the lock busted because of the impact. The door swings wide open, providing us with entry to the cabin. I fidget my fingers as he steps in, my eyes locked onto my feet as I wait outside and for any sign of Levi that indicates what I'll most likely be confronted with in there.
"What... happened here?" He asks as I lift my eyes to see him disappear inside, further observing the room.
There it is, that was my confirmation. I swallow hard, knowing exactly what I'd find in there even though I hoped this place would've been cleaned up. I never planned to come back here at any rate. Yet here I am, about to enter this cabin that holds these terrifying memories with them. My mind rejects the idea of stepping foot in there but I know sooner or later I'd have to - that, or sleep outside.
I grab the bag that lies next to the horse and reluctantly follow Levi inside.
The wood under my feet cracks and when I glance down my eyes widen as I unconsciously hold my breath. I bawl my fists and look back up, averting my eyes from the blood that is still clearly visible all over the place. I glance around when my eyes meet Levi I realize he's looking at me quizzical and confused.
Indeed, what the hell happened? How could I let this happen.
"Don't worry, the back room is clean." I say as I close my eyes and walk further, opening the door at the back as I softly let the bag fall to the ground. In a couple of strides I stand before the window and stare outside while I steady myself against the wall as a shaky breath escapes my lips.
It is a beautiful autumn day and by now the leaves that stubbornly refused to leave their source of life colored bright orange and red. The faint rays of sunshine that shine through the trees, light the water, making it sparkle. The memories seem so long ago, yet I remember everything like it was yesterday, still lifelike in my memories.
I peer over my shoulder to see him standing at the threshold. "Do you have anything to do with whatever happened here?"
I close my eyes a moment before I open them and shrug. "To some extent."
I'd say it's impossible, but the frown on his face increases as he nearly knits his brows together. "What happened?" He tries again, now a look of curiosity appearing along with clear confusion.
"It's a long story, you have better things to do right now." I try in order to get him to drop the subject.
"Not really. We'll be staying in here till morning." He grabs a wooden chair from the corner and sits backwards on it after wiping the surface. "Of course, you don't have to..."
I squint my eyes at him before I sigh in defeat. Not bothering to use the other chair in the room I sit down on the ground and lean against the wall, pulling my legs up and hugging them. I swallow hard and let out a shaky breath before I begin.
"I used to live with Noah, a boy ten years of age and girl that was eleven years old named Ivy." Saying their names out loud after all this time leaves a bitter taste on my tongue. "In the summertime I'd buy our way out of the underground and we stayed around this lake until we ran out of food and had to return before long. We used to swim in the lake beside this house." I sighed as the their faces flash before me.
"A few years back, when the three of us were here, Ivy had suddenly disappeared. Of course by then we were oblivious to the fact she was taken by those perverts that sell girls like off." I frown at the idea of that happening. "I had told Noah to stay at the lake while I went to search for her." As I'm speaking I realize I never even told April or Kay the whole story in details. They vaguely know of their existence, they nearly know nothing about my life before I had met them.
"While I was walking through the forest, searching for her, I heard Noah's scream. I hurried towards the sound and arrived at this cabin. I made it just in time to see his throat being cut." My voice cracks at the end of the sentence, my throat feeling like it had endured days of screaming. Still, after all these years I have trouble speaking, even thinking about it. I do a decent job of lying to myself that I'm stronger than I really am, but at times like these I realize I'm not more than a brittle, broken little girl.
I hesitate to speak, to tell what had happened next, but at this point I don't actually care anymore. Levi has some idea of what crimes I have committed, voicing them should only confirm what he already thought he knew, right?
"I ended the lives of the three men that had killed Noah." Coldness had returned in both my eyes and voice as an automatic defense mechanism I know I won't be able to keep up for long. I look up to meet his gaze for the first time since I started speaking, not expecting to see any kind of emotion, but there was. I could detect pity, and some sort of sadness behind those eyes as he processes the story.
"Outside, Ivy was screaming out for help. She was tied up against a tree. I had freed her but by the time we turned around, a gun was pointed at us… She..." I grip my knees tightly and press my head against my knees, nails digging in the skin of my legs. "Ivy blocked the bullet that was meant for me… saving my life, but she herself, died instantly." My voice is soft, but still audible.
All I knew that time was anger and sadness. I was forced back into loneliness, accompanied by the darkness in the underground. All I knew in the moment was that the urge to kill them, my grief overpowering everything else.
Levi never took his eyes off me as he remained silent.
The silence in the room suddenly feels suffocating, like I can hear their screams in the other room. As if to break the silence I thoughtlessly voice my thoughts aloud.
"How come, they end up dying for me, when all I want is to protect and keep them alive." My words are muffled as my lips are being pressed against my leg. "Noah had died wanting to save Ivy, and she took my bullet. April wanted me to survive so she'd made sure I didn't had the chance to look out for her."
A second of silence passes and when I look up I see Levi kneeling in front of me, placing his hand on my head as it slides down to my cheek and he pulls me into an embrace. "I'm sorry for your loss." He whispers as I fight the tears back, weakly gripping his shirt.
"Why don't you wash yourself in the lake? I'll put things up for the night." He asks but it is more or less a gentle command. I look at my dirt stained hands and conclude that I am indeed in need of a bath of some sort. I nod a single time as he pulls me up to my feet. I walk to the front door, but stop in the middle of the room and squat down. My fingers trail along the red wooden floor. Noah's blood, the place where his life was taken...
I'm pulled out of my trance as Levi puts the bag with clothes down beside me, when I look up he's already gone. With a sigh I stand up and walk outside.
The weather has cooled down, now chilly as the sun is touching the edges of the horizon. The brightest stars already visible in the still faint blue sky. I take off my clothes and bandages, first feeling the temperature with my toes before stepping in completely. My muscles so tense and stiff, now finally have the chance to relax. I sit at the edge in the water and let my body almost completely sink as only my head floats above the water.
"Don't fall asleep here." Slowly I open my eyes and see him sitting not too far beside me also in the water. "I bet you're tired." His gaze is directed onwards again, looking over the beautiful lake and the mountains that surround it, decorated by the trees. "We'll have to leave at sunrise, can't afford to lose any daylight." He informs me and I hum in understanding.
I had figured out that much. Even though I hate the thought of an early wakeup call, at least I'll be home sooner. Yes, that's a comforting thought I'll keep in mind.
"You've been acting nice to me." I accidentally think out loud. I slam my hands across my mouth as he grins at my reaction to myself. "I didn't mean to say that out loud." I mutter, closing my eyes again and letting the hot blush cool at the touch of the water.
"Have I been treating you differently before?" He asks amused and my brow twitches at the thought of him laughing at me - well not laughing at me but you know what I mean.
I think it over while I stare at the water. He's right, he hasn't been treating me any different. Possibly because I could've fucking killed him in exchange for money and he doesn't treat me differently afterwards. And even though he's made it clear that what's in the past is in the past, that only counts for what I could've done to him, no? Maybe because… "You can guess what sort of crimes I've committed in the past, yet you act as if that never happened."
Unlike me he doesn't have to think as long for an answer. He brushes his hairs back with his wet fingers and looks over to me. "No. I'm well aware of the facts." He let his head fall back to the edge and closes his eyes.
"Let's see, you have a big mouth, you're a hard worker, you're honest..." He peeks through one eye. "Except for the time you lied about the title." I roll my eyes as he closes his eyes once more. "Most importantly, you care for your friends more than anything. That's something I can respect. You actually remind me of myself." He silently confesses.
I sit straight up as my movements cause the water to splash. "The only difference is that I killed people and am a criminal right?" I huff. "Don't start saying things like that." I unconsciously bawl my fists under water.
"One of the nobles offered me and my two friends a job, if we succeeded we would receive a payment that wouldn't even come close to what one earns in a lifetime in the underground." Confused I look back at him. He now he opens his eyes, staring far away to the steadily darkening blue sky and glistening stars. "The job meant stealing paperwork from Erwin."
I open my mouth a few times, wanting to ask a hundred things that currently came to mind, but only a simple question left my lips. "Erwin Smith?"
"I think unlike the others I might understand you, we grew up in the same place and we both lost our good friends."
I go over his words, trying to figure out what he means by that. Losing friends, growing up in the same place, because we have that in common doesn't mean he should be able to understand me and my actions. Unless...
No.
He himself who fights for humanity couldn't have... right?
"After they died, I told Erwin the only reason I'm here is because I wanted him dead."
Utterly lost, shocked, the words resonate in my mind. Dead... he wanted Erwin, dead?
As if knowing what I'd question next, he answers. "He convinced me in using my strength for something better, I had decided to trust and follow him and joined the Survey Corps."
After a moment of much needed silence to think it through, I talk. "I never thought about using my strength for something better, I never even considered it. I always believed… I told myself the lie that I was doing so. That what I did was the best I could do for someone like me."
"You protected what was most important to you. Isn't that the best you can do?"
I lean my head backwards against the edge as I stare at the dots in the sky. I protected what was important to me, but at what cost? In the end, I lost them anyway.
I hear Levi stepping out of the water, not wanting to get out just yet I remain laying still. "Don't stay in too long, you'll catch a cold" He says, glancing over his shoulder. I fight back the urge to roll my eyes and smile instead, weakly shaking my head.
For once I don't think about anything but the sounds of my surroundings.
It is quiet, yet if you listen intently you can hear the creeks, the flowing of the water, the owls howling and buzzing insects. I inhale deeply, smelling the divine fragrance of the flowers and I feel the breath of fresh air blowing against my face. The forest atmosphere helps me calm down, because I used to come here in the summer as an escape, this used to be my paradise.
My mind is blank, I feel content, not a single thought reaches the surface.
"Jaclyn!"
My eyes blink wide open as my heart throbs rapidly against my ribcage. Frantically I glance around - over the water, alongside the tree trunks, but there is no one. I splash water in my face.
What the fuck was that? I heard an all too familiar voice call out my name, but it's impossible.
I stand up and get out of the water. I take in the sight of my lightly bruised body before I wrap a towel around me, comforting me in it's warmth. I put the bag with clothes over my shoulder. Drops of my way too long hair fall to my shoulders and when the chilly wind blows, goose bumps form onto my skin.
I step forward and look at the cabin. The bag slowly slips from my shoulder and onto the ground. My eyes widen and my lips part. "I… Ivy?" I choke out as my body begins to tremble, I blink a few times but she remains standing there. I lift my hand to cover my mouth as tears spill over it, right now I don't bother to keep them at bay. "Why? How?" I whispered to myself. "Jaclyn?" I hear her sweet voice call out. My trembling legs fail me as I fall to my knees. I bury hands into my hair as I stare at the ground. "Get a fucking grip on yourself." I say to myself as I try to inhale deep and even breaths.
I don't know what the fuck is going on but I need to remain calm. It isn't real, this isn't real, I repeat and try to convince myself. But why does she look so damn lifelike. I am scared to look up again, and when I do, I think all color is drained from my face.
April, or rather a figment of my imagination is standing before me, looking alive and well. Her mouth moves but I don't hear her talk. "W... what?" I whisper. Wait, why am I even reacting. I am going mad, aren't I?
I feel her hand brushing against my cheek. She beams and her smile is like a stab in the heart, a reminder of someone I dragged into an early death. A tear escapes from the corner of my eye. "Stop fucking with me!" I yell and when I open my eyes and look up, April is gone, Ivy is nowhere to be found and instead, Levi stands in front of me.
"Snap out of it!"
I looked at him wide eyed, is that really Levi or again just my imagination. "Your brain is tricking you." He lowers his voice as he cups my cheeks, tilting his head to look at me.
"Huh?" Is all I manage. What just happened? When did he get here?
He grabs the bag from the ground and puts it over his shoulder. "How long have you been sitting like this?" He tries again as he pulls my arm and I stand back on my feet.
"I… I saw April and Ivy. Levi, what the fuck is going on?" I say as I try to clear my mind, but I don't think I'll be able to after that.
"You hardly ate and you slept poorly these days, on top of that everything has been emotionally exhausting. You're probably hallucinating, you should go to sleep." His arm rests around my hip and he leads me back to the cabin, but I stop in my tracks.
"What is it?"
"I should've…" I don't even think about the bullshit I am spouting but it came out of my mouth anyways. "April… Ivy… I should've… Instead of them-"
Levi lifts my chin and when I look up I see his hand coming my way. He smacks it across my face and immediately I feel my cheek burning, probably glowing bright red. "Stop saying that bullshit! Regretting won't help you move forward!" He shouts at me for the first time, ever. "Don't feel guilty because you've made it out alive. Survive, day after day so you can remember those who died. Keep them alive in your memory while you still can, isn't that the least we can do?" His voice gradually lowers and it's like he smacked me back into reality.
I cover my cheek with my hand and stroke it with my thumb, trying to soothe the stinging pain. "Sorry, I needed that."
With a firm hand against my back we walk towards the cabin, over to the back room as I try to numb out any disturbing thoughts. "Here." He hands the bag over. "Go change." And with that he left the room as I hear the door closing behind me.
I let the towel drop to the ground and I grab the bag to change into my clothes. When I finish I open the door. "Levi I'm-" I stop mid sentence as I smile at the sight. He's seated on a chair with his arms crossed, his head hanging forward a little. Through parted lips the sound of his soft and steady breaths fill the space. "You too must be tired."
I walk over to him and hold his left cheek, slightly lifting his head. "Levi." I say just above a whisper, but he appears vast asleep. "It's nothing like you to let you guard down like that and fall asleep, come on." I say and take his hand in mine, pulling him forward a little.
His eyes shoot open but he relaxes when he realizes it's just me. "You fell asleep on the chair." I say and pull him off the chair as we walk over to the back room. Yes he looked tired, but then again, when not? He nearly always has bags under his eyes, but I guess it's his thing. He might not get enough hours of rest each night, he's still the best on the battle field, so I guess it's nothing for me to be worried about. Still, him falling asleep like that must mean he's genuinely, really fatigued.
After a few steps walking, him right behind me, I realize I'm still holding onto his hand. I glance over my shoulder, up to him and see that's where his focus is at. I loosen my grip to let him go but be it subconsciously - or not, still holds on. He lets go when he turns to close the door behind us and sits underneath the window with his legs pulled up as I stand before the door.
"What are you doing?" He asks as I take the knife from the bag.
"If I put this here..." I concentrate and put the knife onto the doorknob. "When someone opens the door it'll fall and we will be woken by the sound." When I receive no reaction I turn around as he just keeps looking at me. "I know, whatever, you may call me paranoid. I just don't want to take any chances." I shrug.
"No, it's smart."
"Also, you can't sleep there. If someone looks through the window they'll immediately spot you, that corner is the only blind spot." I point and he lets out a faint sigh.
"Guess you're right." He gets up. "But you'll have to sleep in the corner." He turns around with his arms crossed.
"And why is that?"
He goes over to the blind spot and lays down on his back. "They'll have to fight me first." He looks over to me. "Since you're injured." He points out.
I part my lips, ready to protest but honestly, I can't waste energy to complain about something like that. "Fine." I breath out and step over him to lay in the corner. He lies with his hands behind his head and eyes already shut. I reach to the pocket of my jacket and grab my pill. After what had just happened, I'm even more afraid for nightmares tonight and I have this feeling they will occur unless I take this sleeping pill.
I'm ready to put it in my mouth but suddenly Levi holds my wrist. "Let go." I sigh annoyed, too tired to put up any real fight at this moment. "Please, not now." I try but he doesn't let go. I close my fist and hold it like it is my life line.
"You don't need that." I see his eyes faintly glisten from the little light the moon illuminates and enters the room.
"I know it don't need it." I pull again but his grip is surprisingly firm. "I want it anyways. Just for the night, I don't want to relive everything again."
He now sits up straight up while never letting go of me. "They might help with nightmares but it goes hand in hand with the hallucinations. Endure the night and you won't be bothered during the day." He reasons and it kind of, very much, annoys me that he has a valid point. Still it isn't enough to convince me. Who knows what fucked up images will flash before me and never leave my mind again.
He squeezes my wrist and I instinctively open my hand as the pill falls to the ground. "What you'd do that for?" I ask angry, partly why he chose to press the place that still hurt, partly why he thinks he knows what's best for me. Alright even I know they're not good for me but that's besides the point. It's none of his business.
He lets my arm go and grabs the pill from the ground. "Levi!" I nearly yell but he cuts me off.
"Go to sleep." He says, ignoring me as he lays back down and closes his eyes once again.
Silently I just stare at him, waiting - but nothing came. He's completely serious. "I can't believe you." After another minute of silence I lay down. I stare at the ceiling, seeing the dim light of the moon shining through the small window. I turn on my side and rest my head onto my arm, facing him. His chest is slowly rising and falling and it looks as if he drifted away into a sleep in no time.
"Are you going to keep staring all night?" He suddenly speaks, breaking the eerily silence and I jolted back by surprise.
"I thought you were asleep." I murmur and turn to face the wall. My body still hurts every time I move and it feels like my mind is about to shut down altogether. I close my heavy eyelids, knowing I can't stay awake the whole night. Instead I mentally prepare myself for the night, knowing exactly what will come as sleep consumes me. There is no mattress, pillow or blanket, just a cold wooden floor to accompany me for the night.
He squeezes my wrist and I instinctively open my hand as the pill falls to the ground. "What you'd do that for?" I ask angry, partly why he chose to press the place that still hurt, partly why he thinks he knows what's best for me. Alright even I know they're not good for me but that's besides the point. It's none of his business.
He lets my arm go and grabs the pill of the ground. "Levi!" I nearly yell but he cuts me off.
"Go to sleep." He says, ignoring me as he lays back down and closes his eyes once again.
Silently I just stare at him, waiting - but nothing came. He's completely serious. "I can't believe you." After another minute of silence I lay down.
I stare at the ceiling, seeing the dim light of the moon shining through the small window. I turn on my side and rest my head onto my arm, facing him. His chest is slowly rising and falling and it looks as if he drifted away in no time.
"Are you going to keep staring all night?" He suddenly speaks, breaking the eerily silence and I jolt back by surprise.
"I thought you were asleep." I murmur and turn to face the wall. My body still hurts every time I move and it feels like my mind is about to shut down altogether. I close my heavy eyelids, knowing I can't stay awake the whole night. Instead, I mentally prepare myself for the night, knowing exactly what will come as sleep consumes me. There is no mattress, pillow or blanket, just a cold wooden floor to accompany me for the night.
The cool water envelops my skin like smooth silk, reducing my body temperature during this hot summer day. "Look here!" Ivy's voice calls out as I turned to look at her, only to be greeted by a big splash of water that Noah created.
"Little brats!" I yell and swim after them as they loudly laugh, the sound like music to my ears as they try their best to get away from me.
In the blink of an eye the laughter was suddenly gone. Ivy and Noah weren't anywhere to be seen, and it was silent. The only sound I hear is the water moving along with the wind and myself as I swim to keep afloat.
Then I noticed the water had turned red and thick.
No... Not this again.
Abruptly I am pulled underwater as I chocked on the red liquid that fills my lungs. After ten, twenty, thirty seconds it already feels like my lungs are about to explode. My chest tightens painfully as I grip it. I move around, but I have nothing to grip on, I'm stuck, painfully choking. By now I don't know if seconds have past or minutes. I open my eyes and mouth, but to my avail there's no air to fill my lungs that so desperately need it, no clear vision for me to see anything, just a red glow blinding me.
While suffocating, in a nightmare - I realize that at least, Ivy and April's faces flash before me once again as if my subconsciousness is taunting me. I always felt as if there is no place where I belonged at. That I could only be at peace with certain people, but slowly, one by one they seem to disappear from my life. And these nightmares are here to make me relive it, to never forget it. The once bright fire inside me has reduced to a candle light, when I lost April it was nothing more than a spark. Even this spark slowly dims and will fade into nothing one day. I don't know how much more I can bear.
"Wake up!"
I inhale sharply and open my eyes, first all I see is black, not sure where I am for a moment. It takes me a few seconds to recognize Levi's worried up face hovering above me, a moment later do I recognize the room we're in. I feel drops rolling over my cheeks but before they can reach my ears Levi wipes them away. I am breathing rapidly as my chest is rising and falling like crazy. I bring my hand to my face and cover my mouth in an attempt to stop breathing so heavily, but it's a failed attempt.
"S… sorry." I say through ragged breaths and Levi looks at me confused. "For waking you up." I explain. I sit up and lean with my back against the wall as Levi sits in front of me.
"That's why you're taking those?" He refers to the sleeping pills and I just nod in reply while rubbing my wet cheeks and eyes dry. "If you don't face your nightmares they'll keep on continuing." He puts the back of his hand against my forehead and then to my cheeks. "You're feeling hot." He whispers concerned.
I push his hand away. "I'm fine." I mutter as my breathing slowly but gradually calms and slows down to an acceptable pace.
But then all of a sudden I remember the nightmare and new tears prickle my eyes, threatening to fall down. I shake my head trying to make the fresh memory go away but it is too present on my mind. Levi quietly sits beside me and I look up to him when he wraps his arm around me. He then gently pulls my head down to his chest and lets me lean against it. "Why?" I ask and I notice my breathing was nearly back to normal. I bite down my lip to stop any whimpers and clutch his shirt as I let the drops roll.
"I denied you those pills, now go back to sleep." He says softly as I close my eyes, his steady heartbeat filling my drums as my thoughts about the nightmare fade like smoke before my eyes.
I think I enjoy writing bloody, angst y scenes too much? Lol.
Next chapters will be a bit faster than this, I guess... it feels like we're nearing the end. Are we? I don't know, I have literally nothing written out from here on, so I guess I need to start plotting.
Next update will be in 3 to 5 weeks. I'm giving myself a little break since exams are right around the corner!
Review please?
See you next time, take care.