Disclaimer: Well, considering I'm not richer than England royalty, I don't own Harry Potter. Or Twilight.
Story: The books happened. And then Harry decided to happen. So he did, living his life and traveling the world. Then Teddy comes into his care and he decides to settle down in Forks, somehow drawing attention even when he doesn't want it. Teddy is just exasperated and having his own fun.
Set after book 7, AU Epilogue and slightly altering the final battle.
Spoilers: Books 1-7 probably.
Warnings: ?
Pairings: Harry/Marcus, Bella/Carlisle, Alice/Jasper, Emmett/Rosalie, Esme/Charlie, Teddy/Leah, Sam/Jacob, Edward/Tanya…

Stranger Happenings
Chapter Eight: Method to the Madness

"Harry…"

"Yes~?"

"This was supposed to be me and Carlisle catching up," she deadpanned.

"Mmhm?" he just smiled cheerily at her, his eyes closed like they had been lately –making the look even more disbelieving.

"Why the hell are you and Marcus here?"

Harry shrugged, "We're hungry."

"Marcus can't eat."

Harry pouted, "But he'll eat for me, won't you Marcus?"

Marcus, on the other hand, looked like he had paled even more than he already was.

Bella sighed, but her lips twitched.

"Carlisle, this is Harry. You semi-met him on stage yesterday –"

"Actually, Hells Bells," Harry's closed eyes and smile glinted evilly somehow. "Don't you remember? I mentioned meeting Carlisle and that he was the one who'd asked me to look after you while I was gone," he gave a pointed and meaningful stare at the blond vampire.

Carlisle looked at him blankly, still unsure what was going on.

"Hm, right. Anyways, what are you doing here exactly, with Carlisle and I?" she blinked at him.

"Can't I eat with you guys?" Harry just looked innocently at her.

"I give up," Bella muttered. "Okay, Harry and I are going to order, Carlisle and Marcus…just pretend. Harry will end up eating yours in the end."

"And Bella will too," he chirped.

The two shared a grin, both vampires fidgeting at that.

"What is on the agenda for the day?" Harry hmmed, tearing a piece of bread and plopping it into his mouth, and then tearing another piece and daintily holding it up for Marcus.

He looked at the vampire expectantly and Marcus cringed back.

"You've got to be kidding me," Marcus griped under his breath, but obliged the other male anyways (ignoring Harry's remark of "Just regurgitate it later!), tentatively leaning closer to let Harry feed him (as if the other man would let him just take the damn piece of bread and let him feed himself). His cold lips wrapped around the tips of Harry's two fingers holding it, encompassing the bread and the two fingers, before sliding back away and taking the bread into his mouth. He chewed half-heartedly, ignoring the smirking Bella and the shocked Carlisle.

He even ignored the squealing women to the side that had been watching the two avidly from the start.

"My agenda consists of nothing but watching man-love, as far as I'm concerned," she said dryly, raising an eyebrow as if to say 'Are you going to challenge me on that?'

Harry just chuckled before surprising Marcus and gripping the older man's face and placing his own dangerously and seductively close.

"See that? How cute. Our newly formed fanclub just enjoyed our little PDA," Harry purred.

Marcus blinked stoically, "Unhand me, Harry, or I'll bite you."

"Ohh, blood play! I didn't know you were into kinky stuff, love."

If he could, he would have turned "Bella red."

"There is just no right way to react to you, is there?" he twitched.

Harry snickered.

"Hell no."

The dark-haired wizard moved back and settled more comfortably into his seat, crossing his legs aristocratically and smirking once more.

The small group ignored the chorus of disappointed "Awws!" from the Harcus (Marry?) fanclub.

"So your agenda doesn't include sleeping with Aro?" Harry asked innocently.

Bella blanched, Marcus choked on the small (very small) piece of bread he had been attempting not to actually swallow, and Carlisle froze.

She chuckled weakly. "Ah, no. I told him it was okay. We did…experiment a little," she reluctantly added at Harry's probing look.

"You two probably never have normal table conversations," Marcus snorted.

"Nope," Harry stretched out the last syllable, with a wide grin.

Carlisle straightened up, a neutral look on his face.

"I see I have missed quite a bit, haven't I?" the blond inwardly tried to calm himself.

Bella sighed, "You've missed a lot."

And then she began explaining everything that's happened, starting from the time Edward left to now, with Carlisle listening avidly. He calmed down much easier, with her having all her attention on him.

In the meanwhile, Harry was grinning disturbingly at Marcus, who lifted a finely arched eyebrow back.

"I wonder if your brothers know that we totally know that they're eavesdropping on us a couple tables away, pretending to be reading newspapers…" Harry chuckled.

Marcus twitched again, "They would be less likely to be caught if they had just chosen a table on the other side of the room, and used their damned superhearing."

"Nah. Against us? We'd still probably spot them easily."

"You're completely right."

The two other Volturi Kings sighed and sweatdropped, hanging their heads behind the newspaper.

The rest of the trip passed in much of the same way, with the usual shenanigans. Mostly to do with Harry…

Thankfully, it all passed in relative peace; chaotic peace, but peace nonetheless. It was when they came home the night of that last day that the real chaos started. Carlisle had been invited to come with them, especially since Harry informed him nonchalantly that he'd kidnapped his ex-wife and that she was currently in his home. Carlisle was nonplussed.

But Harry stopped in his tracks when he recognized the aura of the person in his front hall, arguing heatedly with Hermione and causing his best friend tears.

He didn't think. He just ran forward and tackled his former best friend Ron Weasley. And he didn't listen to the gasps or the whisperings or the pleads of his friends to stop. He just kept pummeling the bastard underneath him, even beyond a bloody pulp. He'd raised his fist once more, before he felt a marble hand gently grip his wrist and then firmly pull him away, his back pulled against a marble front. Marcus silently comforted him, moving him away from the beaten up red-head on the ground, and he vaguely recalled being taken from Marcus by a sympathetic Charlie.

"Sorry, Harry," Charlie murmured. "I'll have to take you to the station for a little bit."

"I bloody should be taken to a hospital because of that prick," Ron grumbled, slowly getting up by himself, since no one was going to help him up.

Charlie sneered, doing a 180. "Actually, you arse, you're going to be taken to the pound as well. Archie, take him in your car. I think I'd rather puke than take him with me."

Then he gently led the unresponsive Harry out of the inn and into his squad car. He was only stopped when his daughter ran out after them, giving him pause as he finished putting Harry into the back and not even bothering to cuff the younger man.

"What's wrong, Bella?" he questioned his daughter.

She gave him a small smile, taking out a strip of black cloth from the pocket of her jeans.

"After the first day, he'd taken to not really wearing it over his eyes. I think he should wear it now. It's probably best that he does, with the mood that he's in. Trust me on that," Bella slightly cringed.

Charlie nodded, taking it from his daughter and wrapping it around Harry's closed eyes, tying it neatly and securely at the back of his head. He studied the slumped and defeated form in front of him, and winced. This was not the Harry he'd come to know.

"I'll be back, Bella. If anything, he'll probably just get a slap on the wrist and a mob outside of the station, demanding his release. He'll be back in no time."

She nodded and hurried back, while Charlie got into the car and started the engine. He drove off, heaving a huge sigh and wondering about Harry's outburst out there. And of that arsehole that had started the whole damn thing, starting with upsetting Ms. Granger…

And while Charlie and Harry was heading towards the station, everyone back in the inn was left in disarray. Bella came back and flinched when she saw the scene. Then she steeled herself and whistled loudly.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the disturbance. If everyone could return to their rooms, the dining room, or to their previous activities, the Three Crossroads Inn would be much obliged," Bella smiled professionally.

A couple seconds later, everyone hesitantly began doing what Bella had asked of them.

Jessica whistled, "Nicely done, Bella. Didn't think you had it in you to be so assertive…and very professional at that."

Bella smiled tiredly at her, "It's what I get paid for, right? I should do my job well. Anyways, Dad says Harry is probably not going to be there long. He'll probably get a slap on the wrist."

"That's good," Teddy sighed in relief.

Hermione sniffled, "Oh, I hope he's alright. Bloody hell, what was he thinking? He shouldn't have done that. Now he's in jail…"

"Not to bring the mood down again…but who was that guy?" Angela asked tentatively.

Hermione winced, "My husband, Ron Weasley."

There was another collective silence. Then Mike cursed. Like a Brit.

"That shite arsehole! The really bright red hair and freckles should've tipped us off," Mike growled.

Carlisle stared. "Ah, you mean…asshole," he held back a grimace at cursing in front of people, especially such a large group as is, "Right?"

Mike snorted, "Nope. Arsehole."

"I'm pretty sure there was an 'e' tacked onto the shit there too," Angela conversed about it casually to Ben.

Hermione couldn't help it. With what just happened, Ron bursting in there, her rollercoaster emotions, and Harry in jail…she started giggling hysterically.

"Merlin! Even when he's in jail, Harry's still influencing the lot of you!" then she erupted into more giggles.

Bella joined in, "That's Harry for you. Still brainwashing us into proper Brits, even when he's not here."

Jessica giggled as well, "And did you hear Bell's dad? Chief called Ms. Granger's husband an arse instead of an ass!"

The group laughed all together then, and Carlisle smiled softly to himself, seeing the gathered diverse group around him. He caught sight of Esme, who was smiling as well, and they shared a happy nod with each other.

"Alright! Sam and Jacob, in the kitchen! Make sure the kit's clean and whatnot," the glint in Bella's eyes looked suspicious to those too though. "Mike, look after both bars. If anyone's looking for a drink, tell them alcohol's out for the night. Wolf Pack," the group shivered, wondering how in the world Harry and Bella had managed to come up with the one nickname for their group that was completely on the mark, "you're on dining room duty. Finish up there, and clean afterwards. Don't forget the vacuum. Jess, Angie, Ben –close up shop around here. Go around, double checking everything. Marcus, you can wait in worry about Harry in your room, with your brothers," Bella began barking out orders.

She turned with a cheery smile to the last two vampires.

"Esme, Carlisle, why don't I set you up with a room and then give you a tour?"

"Two rooms, please," Esme requested.

Bella looked surprised for a second before quickly wiping it off her face and returning to a smile.

"Alright then. Teddy, Scorpius, Hugo, Rose, why don't you take Ms. Granger to her room and comfort her?" she softly suggested, seeing Hermione back to being depressed and almost crying again.

"Come on, Mum!" Hugo and Rose gave two cute grins, pitching forward and grabbing their mom's hand, leading the way.

Teddy hesitated, while Scorpius reluctantly followed behind the other three. Bella gave him a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, Teddy. I'll let you know if there's any news on your dad."

Teddy nodded and left as well.

"Your friend seems quite mad," Carlisle noted, slipping a little into the British slang as well, most probably because of so many of the other's slipping into the mindset. It didn't help that he was originally from England.

Bella laughed lightly, "I assure you, he probably quite is. But I'm pretty sure that behind everything he does, crazily or not, there's probably always a reason behind the things he does. I have a feeling he doesn't really do things randomly. At least, random with reason."

Esme smiled, "Sounds like an interesting character."

"You have no idea."

Carlisle smiled though.

'Look the other way, huh? Looks like you're already in the thick of things, Harry. You're completely surrounded by the very trouble you had hoped to avoid.'

Harry thumped his head against the wall, clenching his jaw. His blood was still boiling and he was still pissed about the whole thing, but Ron was far away from him. Sort of. The berk was some cells away, but was still in the same room.

He really wanted to wrap his hands around the man's throat and just throttle him.

"How are you coping, Harry?" Charlie quietly asked him, appearing in front of his cell just then.

Harry shrugged, "Not bad. Fancy a brew or more likely a bevvy." And then more cheekily, he added, "Bangers and mash sound good too, with some afters."

Charlie snickered, "Right, right. John! Go out and buy a six-pack, sausages and mash potato, and whatever dessert looks good out there!"

"Got it, Chief!"

Harry lightly raised his eyebrows, smirking.

"Well, isn't that something. I get to be treated like I'm the King of England!"

"Don't you mean Queen?"

"Psh, yeah we only have a queen, but does it look like I'm a female?"

Charlie rolled his eyes, "No. You'll be happy to note that you will also be released in the morning. Want to save those 'bangers and mash' for the morn?"

Harry snorted, "No way. I'm hungry and that sounds damn fine to me right now."

"Who is that guy anyway?" Charlie jerked his chin in Ron's direction.

Harry sneered, demeanor suddenly darkening.

"Ex-best friend and Hermione's husband, Ron Weasley. Likely to get his arse handed to him if he ever comes near me or any of the others ever again."

Charlie winced, but understood.

"Well, he's going to be staying here for awhile, while you're off," the older man smirked viciously, uncharacteristically of him.

"Excellent," Harry echoed the vicious smirk, refraining from also doing some maniacal laughter.

Ron was too busy grumbling and moping to himself to notice anything else.

"Hey, Charlie. Call any of these numbers. These are his brothers' numbers and any of them will come down and drag his sorry arse back home, and probably knock some sense into him. Somewhat. If they can," Harry was starting to be doubtful of that as he thought more on it. Ron really was too thickheaded to listen to anyone, really… "Anyways, tell those blokes to get this bastard out of my town."

Charlie hmmed. "Your town, eh? Thinking of becoming mayor or something?"

Harry stilled before a wide grin spread across his face.

"You know what, that sounds like a great idea."

The older man was contemplating if he should eat his words now or later. He winced. Maybe he shouldn't have said that…

The food came at last. Harry sighed and looked at it dreamily, almost drooling at the food.

"Bon appétit, Monsieur Swan," Harry toasted, lifting his can of beer before digging into his food with a gusto.

Charlie shook his head, but took a can for himself and started on it.

"Bloody Americans and bloody saviors," Ron griped angrily, making a ruckus in his cell.

Harry huffed and narrowed his eyes at his food, pausing his hands with utensils in the air. Then he attacked his food violently, broodingly beginning to eat.

"Damn. I was looking forward to eating my food happily."

Fortunately, the night seemed to passed by quickly and then it was the morning. Charlie came back in front of his cell and was starting to unlock it, and Harry assumed the chief got the okay to release him. About to walk outside, he was surprised to see what looked like the whole town waiting outside of the station, holding up signs and marching and yelling about him.

"What do we want?"

"Release Harry!"

"When do we want it?"

"Now!"

"They've been at it since last night…since you were brought in actually," Charlie smirked.

Harry tilted his head.

"Release our Inn Keeper!" the main speaker shouted.

"RELEASE OUR INN KEEPER!" the crowd roared in unison.

"I'm so touched," Harry sighed happily, clasping his hands together.

Charlie sweatdropped.

Harry burst through the doors, arms wide open and a huge grin on his face as he was hailed with hollering and applause.

"He's like a freakin' messiah," Charlie muttered.

He had no idea how close of a description he'd just said of the eccentric man.

Still, there were still some brothers he had to call, so he left it to Harry to find his own way back home. Like the other man wouldn't be able to anyway, what with the things Harry can do –what was finding a ride? In fact, the man was already heading out with his crowd of followers, Harry in the middle of all of them and gesturing wildly with his hands and apparently regaling them with a story or such as they all started walking the way back to the inn.

"Free butterbeer on me!" he heard Harry scream from the distance.

Amongst the cheers and whistles, Harry was lifted up into the air and was carried onto the shoulders of some of the townsfolk as they traveled the way.

King indeed.

Shaking his head, he looked at the piece of paper Harry had handed him with scribbled phone numbers of a Bill, Charlie, and George Weasley.

Why did he have a feeling the three of them would cause some trouble by hiking it down to Forks and staying for awhile?

Strange though, having Carlisle and Esme Cullen back as well. He felt a twinge of irritation, remembering someone else who was named Cullen. Carlisle and Esme were good people, but he had nothing to say about Edward. Not after how his Bella was treated.

Speaking of Esme…

He suddenly started blushing, though he had no idea why. Esme was a very beautiful woman though, and he didn't really understand how Carlisle couldn't love her anymore. He shrugged to himself. Things were better left unknown, and he was never one to pry.

"Hello, Chief Swan," a dreamy voice sounded to his right. "I don't suppose you would know where the Mad Hatter has gone? He's terribly late."

Charlie blinked and stared at the woman next to him, wearing radish earrings and a butterbeer cork necklace.

Started 8/5/10 –Completed 8/6/10

A/n: Someone brought up the question if I was making Hugo and Rose twins, -not really, not quite. I'm more of lexicon than wiki for HP, and according to them Hugo is younger but his birth year is roughly around 2006-2009. Rose is 2006, so I chose to have Hugo 2006 as well, only with Rose somewhere in the beginning of the year (conceived the year before) and Hugo late in the year (maybe in December and conceived right after Rose's delivery date maybe), which would account for why he didn't go to Hogwarts around the same time as Rose in the DH Epilogue –that being his birthday is after the acceptance date.

The Mad Hatter is a tribute to all of you fans who mentioned how much of a Mad Hatter my Harry is ^.^ Thank you all for your support and continuing reviews! I love them! I'll try to reply to the past ones and any new ones after I get back from San Francisco.