Hi everybody. This chapter was a tough one to write and doesn't follow Regina/Cora's canon, so I'd love your feedback. I guess a few trigger warnings for minor character death and just generally painful childhood stories. I hope you guys are still with me and liking this story. Love to know what you think. XO
Heavy silence settled between them, and Regina's body language was so uncharacteristic—hunched over and fidgety—that Emma thought about retreating. It would be so easy. She could just reach across and pull Regina into her lap, kiss her, make love to her, and leave all these confessions and uncomfortable discussions for another day. Or they could just forget it—why should their pasts impact their present or future, Emma reasoned. They could just keep making each feel good, not dwell on the pain of their respective childhoods.
But just as she was about to pull the brunette from the hot seat, opening her mouth to offer her a reprieve, Regina met Emma's eyes, took a shuddering breath, and began to talk in soft but fluid sentences.
"The earliest part of my life, at least what I can remember of it, was really quite wonderful—my mother and father loved me, and I wanted for very little, including affection. My parents—Henry and Elizabeth—were like the king and queen of the culinary scene in Boston for many years. They had a million friends, and my father owned two successful restaurants, which my mother helped him run.
"They were very much in love," Regina said, her eyes cast down at the blanket beneath them. "My mother was so beautiful and so full of energy. And she loved me fiercely. Being in her love was like have sunshine on your face."
"She wasn't like any other mother I ever met, even to this day. She would do crazy things sometimes, like wake me up in the middle of the night to take me horseback riding or to have a snowball fight and hot chocolate with marshmallows. And my father was just enchanted by her. His face would literally light up when she walked into the room, and it was incredible growing up cast in that kind of love. I was like a potted plant sitting under a window that let in so much sun that I couldn't help by thrive, even though they were very busy, and my nanny did most of the watering."
Regina smiled to herself and then took a steadying breath. When she spoke again, her words were sandy and dry, and Emma could see it was a battle to get them out.
"But then, when I was 6, she stayed late to close one of the restaurants one night, and she was blindsided by a drunk driver on her way home. She was killed instantly—her car crashed into a pole on the driver's side," she said, her eyes inching up at the gasp that escaped Emma.
"Oh, god. Regina. I had no idea," Emma said, her voice just above a whisper.
The brunette just nodded, pulling in another deep breath before she continued.
"To say my father was devastated… that doesn't really cover it. He grew distant and withdrawn. He was broken. As hard as it was losing her, it was almost harder watching him dissolve, become a shell of himself. Seeing how he evaporated before my eyes made me realize how vulnerable you become when you really love someone—when you give your heart to someone so completely. I felt so alone. It was hard enough to cope with the idea that I would never see her again, but without him—"
Her voice cracked but she fought to regain her composure, her eyes connecting with Emma's briefly to find the courage to continue. She found Emma's eyes damp with tears—as hard as her own life had been, the idea of having been born into so much love but having it taken away was almost more than the blonde could imagine. She reached across the blanket and placed her hand gently on Regina's thigh to be a presence in an effort to comfort them both.
"I had one very close friend, Kathryn—you met her at the hotel that day. She lived close by, but otherwise I was left to mourn my mother's death on my own, and the house was just filled with sadness—all that sunlight was gone."
"But then he very suddenly married Cora. She was the new woman he had hired to run his restaurants, and she was very good at her job. I had barely even heard her name before she moved in. I had just turned 7. She was so beautiful and young, and at first she was nice to me," Regina said, shaking her head sadly. "But my mother's death cast a very big, very dark shadow, especially over my father's heart, and he withheld his love and affection from Cora, and I think that really broke her spirit. He grew to resent her, even though it wasn't her fault."
"And over time, she grew cold and eventually cruel. I tried to hide away from her as much as possible. I would go to Kathryn's house and stay there for long stretches of time, until someone noticed I was gone. But eventually, everything I loved—books, horses, my father… Cora would try to keep me from all of these things. She was bitter and spiteful, and my father was hardly around to see what was happening."
"I focused all my energy on studying and excelling in school so I could get out of that house as quickly as possible. I graduated with honors at 17, a year early. I applied and was excepted to our alma mater, and I thought I would never look back. And for a moment there, I was sure I had escaped," Regina said, a dark, wistful expression cast across her face.
"I met Daniel my first semester at school. He was so sweet and hardworking. And really he was the first person I had ever really had romantic feelings for, and even though he didn't really know the darker parts of me, I felt safe with him. I loved him. But when Cora found out, she immediately began threatening him, saying she'd file statutory rape charges—"
"—Shit, you were only 17," Emma said, the full picture finally coming together.
"Yes. And I knew she wasn't bluffing. I had three months till my birthday, and she knew it. She just became a leech, even hiring a detective at one point, making threats, calling him in the middle of the night. Daniel was poor. He was on scholarship, so even just charges against him would have ruined his life. I tried to stay away from him. I told him we just needed to get through those three months," Regina said, tears suddenly streaming down her face and her hands kneading at a stray thread hanging from the blanket.
Emma moved to sit directly across from Regina, slinging her legs over the brunette's lap and taking her hands in her own.
"Regina, it's ok. You can stop. You don't have to—"
"I do," Regina whispered, casting a pained look at Emma that made her stomach tighten and clench.
Emma brought their linked hands up to her face and smoothed the back of Regina's against her cheek.
"Daniel became paranoid, desperate. David told me he wasn't eating or sleeping, and I started to worry that he was going to ruin his grades and his life over this, because of me and my messed up family. So one night I snuck over to his house—I had to see him for myself, make sure he was ok. I couldn't bare the thought that he was destroying himself because of me. And we made love," Regina said, her voice hoarse from the strain and bile in her throat. "And Cora got her spies to send her pictures. They had pictures of us embracing, kissing—naked pictures. About a week later, she had copies of the pictures sent to his house, and he didn't sleep. He was scared to death. He was so overmatched."
"That night, he went to go to work, and she was waiting for him outside his house. She told him she was coming after him. I'll never know if she actually drove him off the road or if she just quite literally scared him out of his mind, but he crashed his car and flipped over a median, and Henry became fatherless before I even knew he existed," Regina said, a cry escaping her throat.
Emma pulled Regina into her arms, holding her fiercely, wishing she could do anything to take the pain of these horrific memories away. Regina burrowed her face under Emma's chin and began to shake and shudder and sob. Emma rubbed slow, soothing circles along her upper back, rocking her gently like a baby.
"He died because of me," Regina whispered in a tiny voice. "If I hadn't gone there that night—"
"—You wouldn't have Henry," Emma said. "Regina, as tragic and painful as that was, I don't think there's anything in the world you could have done to change it. I'm so desperately sorry that happened to you. I wish I could do something to erase it. I'd give anything to reverse it so you would never have lost him and—"
And suddenly Regina was pulled out of her grief, thrown back into the present, and she yanked her head up and looked at Emma pointedly.
"—But then I wouldn't have you. And I know I'm a mess, but just so it's clear… I've never felt the way I feel about you—with anyone—and I would never want to change that. Do you hear me, Emma? I'm desperately in love with you. For the first time in a very long time, when I'm with you I feel like the sun is on my face again."
Emma looked at Regina—the two of them literally and figuratively stripped bare—and she suddenly felt a courage and certainty that she had only ever known when it came to her profession. She thought about the last months and everything that had happened between them to lead them to this moment—their instant attraction, falling for each other in a whirlwind, being abruptly pulled apart, and ultimately finding their way back to each other.
The hotel room suddenly felt like a crucible where all their worst fears and painful pasts could be incinerated, relegated to dust that would just blow away, leading them to move forward together free of the emotional turmoil that had been so debilitating.
Doubts were cast aside, and she pulled Regina into her, laying her down on the blanket and removing the last of the barriers between them. She laid her body on top of Regina's and kissed her with all the intensity and passion she could conjure and convey.
"I haven't had much chance to love anyone, so I'm a bit of a novice, but I know I love you. I've really never been more sure about anything. But I am sure I belong here with you," Emma said, cupping Regina's face reverently. "Whatever happens, it's you and me, ok?"
The brunette nodded, a chuckle bubbling up from her chest.
"We are quite the pair," Regina said, a small smile creeping back onto her face.
Emma threw her head back and laughed. But then her smile evened out and she looked at Regina with curious green eyes.
"What happens now?" she asked in a voice that was nervous but hopeful.
Regina curled a strand of Emma's blonde hair around her finger, playing aimlessly as she thought for a moment.
"Well, I know what I want to happen. I want to go back to Storybrooke and spend ever possible minute with you. And when you feel ready, and assuming Henry is on board, I want you to move in with me. I want this to be real," Regina said, tapping Emma's nose with the tip of her forefinger. "Is that something you'd want?"
Emma felt the blood rushing to her face and smirked at her own enthusiasm.
"Honestly, I can't think of anything I want more. But I admit, I've never had a family or been in a steady long-term relationship. I hope living with me wouldn't ruin what we have," Emma said.
"What, do you turn into an ogre when there's a full moon? Do you leave your dirty dishes in the sink? Mix the colors with the darks?" Regina said, a crooked grin pulling at her face.
"Actually, nothing like that. Being in so many group homes, you had to really be disciplined and what little you had was kept in perfect order. So I'm actually pretty neat. I've just never been accountable for anyone other than myself, and no one has ever really looked out for me," Emma said, her voice cracking with nervous energy.
"That makes sense. But honestly, honey, beside Henry, I've never really had that either. I was so young when I was with Daniel, and we never had the chance to live together," she said. "Listen, there's no rush. We can take our time. We're not following anyone's rules anyway, so we'll do what feels right to us. I just want to be with you as much as possible. I want to know everything about you, and for the first time in my life I want someone to know me. I mean, if you want that too."
Emma grinned.
"I do. If for no other reason than you are the sexiest woman I have ever seen and I want to touch you as much as possible," Emma said, letting her hand smooth along a slender waist and anchor at her hip.
Regina's eyes narrowed, twinkling with mischief.
"Is that so? What exactly would you like to touch, Emma?"
"Oh man. How many places do I get to choose?"
"You have a list?"
"Oh, hell yes. I've had a lot of time to myself to fantasize about your body for the last month or so," Emma admitted with a blush.
Regina sucked in a breath at the admission, her face suddenly serious.
"You fantasize about me?" she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Tell me what I do in your fantasies."
Emma covered her face with her hands, but Regina pried them off.
"We have just shared our deepest, darkest memories with each other. This is the good stuff. Tell me, Emma."
"Ok. I mean, most of my fantasies about you are just about you, you know? You body. Making love to you. But I do have some other fairly adventurous fantasies about you, but I'm not really sure it fits the mood right now. Right now I just really want to hold you in my arms. What if I promise you a fantasy confessional rain check?"
"Hmm, I might be inclined to accept. On the condition that we will fulfill said fantasies and perhaps a few of my own as well."
Emma quirked an eyebrow at her.
"Whatever you say, your majesty. Now come here," Emma said, pulling Regina up so they could throw the blanket back on the bed and climb into it.
Regina shifted over to the middle to make room for Emma, turning to face the window, the blonde sliding in behind her and curling around her body. Emma nuzzled her face into Regina's hair, wrapped her arm around her body and tucked her arm between Regina's breasts.
She let out a tired, satisfied sigh and let her eyes flutter closed. Just as sleep was claiming her she heard the words again that she knew she'd never tire of hearing.
I love you.