A/N: So, guys, I know I've been awhile, but everything has just been kind of chaotic lately, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with it- writing specifically. So, like I said, I'm doing my best, and all I can ask is that you bear with me. Thanks. I love you busy. Really 3

-possible trigger warning for this chapter; be safe m80s-

-seriously, don't read if you're sensitive to certain content and you're at risk of being triggered-

I'm not sure how long me and Cas stayed there, her rubbing small circles on my back and whispering in my ear that it was okay. That everything was okay.

I sigh as the sleepy calm that settles over you after a cry sets in, feeling like an invisible weight got lifted off my chest.

I blink. I'm tired. Really, tired…

"Sshhh." says Cas, "If you want, you can fall asleep here on the beanbag chair. Is there someone you want me to call? Someone who can take you home? I just don't think you should be driving like this."

I smile sleepily at the way that she can go from being a friend- a peer, to a caring adult, almost like a teacher. Almost professional. "Sure." I say, handing her my phone, "Charlie. She won't have gone home yet."

"Okay. You can crash here 'til she shows up." Cas says, walking out of the room with my phone and closing the door behind her, presumably to call Charlie.

I close my eyes, exhausted. I'm glad I fixed everything with Cas. Relieved, even. But any feeling of elation I have immidiately turns into a pang of hurt and guilt, remembering what just happened. Remembering why I'm here.

I just want to sleep. Because when I'm sleeping, I can't think. And that's what I want right now- to be able not to think. It's what I need.

I close my eyes and drift away.

-666-

I'm not sure how much time has gone by when Charlie shakes my shoulder to wake me up. "Come on, Dean. I'll drive you home."

"No." I say, pleading, "I don't want to."

"You can stay at my house, then. I've called Bobby up, and he's fine staying with Sam for the night, okay?"

"Yeah." I mutter. Bobby's an old family friend- almost like an uncle to me and Sam. He comes up often, usually to visit me and Sam or to have a drink or two with dad.

"He was planning on coming up tomorrow, but he's okay with staying the night." She smiled at me, "Plus, I called Sam, made sure he got home okay, and I explained that you're alright, but staying over my house for the night." She said, "He was worried; I guess word travels fast around here, and he heard about earlier."

"Yeah." I say, swallowing around the lump in my throat.

"Let's go." She smiles, offering me a hand to get up. I take it gratefully.
"Can you…?"

"Sure," she says, anticipating my question, "Just gimme the keys."

"Thanks," I smile a little, "Don't you dare hurt her," I warn

"I won't," she rolled her eyes.

"Okay." I say, smiling a little, knowing I don't even have to say that to Charlie. She loves this car more than anyone, second only to me. I actually taught her how to drive it last year. I learned when I was thirteen, and had already been driving (illegally) for a few years when I got my lisence. Driver's Ed is obnoxiously expensive, so I guess we just went 'fuck it' and kind of taught ourselves.

"Look, Dean, Jo didn't mean-"

"Don't," I say, cutting her off. I know It's rude, and I know Charlie doesn't deserve it, but I can't let her try to justify Jo's actions.

"She didn't mean to bring up Anna, and she feels like shit about it."

"Well, she should."

"She was our friend, too, Dean. It's been almost three years."

"That doesn't make it hurt any less." I say

"I know, Dean." She says, "I loved her, too."

"We all did."

"We still do."

"Yeah, but-"

"I'm not saying that Jo using her against you was in any way okay, because it isn't, but try to forgive her,"

I open my mouth to object, but Charlie cuts me off again, "I'm not saying today, Dean. And I'm not saying tomorrow. But I am saying that Jo's practically your sister, and it hurts both of you to be without each other."

"Well…" I said, trying and failing to find fault in what Charlie said.

"I'm not wrong."

"No, you're not." I admit, smiling a little, then yawning, as the exhausting calm that spreads over you after a long cry settled on me. My eyes drooped a little.

"You staying over again tonight?" She asks, even though she already knows.

"Yeah, yeah, I think so." I mumble, leaning my head against the window, letting the dull roar of the engine and the poppy music Charlie insists on lull me to sleep.

-666-

"You want to talk about it?" Castiel asks, looking at me

We're in the room we usually study in, and it's warm, unlike the cooling october air outside. I meet her gaze, her eyes a cold, icy blue, but, though intense, her gaze is warm and caring.

And I want to talk about it. I want to tell Castiel everything. Everything I wouldn't be able to say to Charlie, Jo, Sam, or god forbid, Lisa. I've known her a few weeks, and I would trust her with just about anything. It's scary.

Good sir, you are in love, Charlie's words echo in my head, and I sigh, denying it.

I bite my lip, and though my brain says it's a bad idea, by mouth forms the words anyway, "Yeah." I hug my middle and lay back against the beanbag, Cas scooting next to me.

"Okay," She said, looking at the ceiling.

"There was… A long time ago, there was this girl, Anna..." I took a deep breath, and then said, "Anna was… I knew her for my whole life." I sigh, "And she was cool. She was great. She had this beautiful, red hair, and she always wore the same leather jacket, this beat up, old, brown piece of shit, but it made her comfortable, and she looked nice enough… Anyway, I got to know her, and… We, we'd hang out. All the freaking time. We were like brother and sister, but closer. I mean, yeah, yeah, I guess, Lisa's my first real girlfriend… But, I dunno,I feel like Anna was more than that, somehow. She was my first kiss, you know? My first everything, actually."

I sigh, "I don't… I don't know why I'm telling you all this." I say honestly. "Frankly, I don't… I don't understand why you care." I close my eyes a little, making the room blurry, everything blending together. I think I like this world better; it's all fuzzy, and there're no sharp edges. Nothing to bump into and get hurt on.

"She was always there for me, Cas. I remember, we used to sit on my roof and watch the sun set over the forest across the street. I still watch them sometimes, when I miss her too much. It's why Charlie calls me Ponyboy, after Ponyboy Curtis, the boy who watched the sunsets, and wondered if Cherry Valance could see them too, no matter how far away she was.

"It never helps, thinking about her. It makes it worse, sometimes. Sometimes, I can fool myself into thinking I can throw a pebble at her window at two 'o clock in the morning and she'll be awake, waiting to go to fucking McDonalds' at two am or go egg an asshole's house with me…"

I swallow hard, "She was there for me so many times, and I wasn't… I wasn't there when it counted, Cas. I screwed up big time…" I shiver a little, "See, Anna had depression. It was real bad. She tried… Once, before I knew her, she tried to kill herself. She was in a 'mental correction facility' for almost six months, and I missed her… So, so much. I should have seen the signs… But I didn't, and when she tried again…" I choked up, "When she tried again, she got it right."

I closed my eyes, willing the tears not to fall. "She saw a therapist. Got help. Everyone thought she was better, even I thought she was better. I was so close to her. She told me things she never told her therapist, I should have seen it coming… Been able to stop it…"

Cas put a hand on my arm, "... I was the one that found her. She… God, Thursday, why? She was… She slit her wrists. She bled out in the tub, and she had the door locked, and, shit, why? Why does the worst shit happen to the best people?"

She stayed silent.

"I just… I remember, just, weeks of nightmares, of screaming, of split knuckles and missed homework, and failed tests, and punching holes in walls, and just, losing it. I lost my mind, Cas. I was ready to die. I wanted to die. I… I was almost always drunk or sleeping. I couldn't be at home, because everything looked the same way it looked when she was alive… and it shouldn't. It couldn't. Because everything wa so different, how could anything look the same? It was so wrong. Yeah, the sun rose in the East and set in the West, the stars shown at night, I could breathe, my heart could beat, I could live, but I didn't want to."

I close my eyes, and I hear the echo of her voice. See her face, her eyes, and I could feel her.

"I understand." Said Cas, looking at me. She did, and I saw it in her eyes. And I felt better, somehow. Looking into her eyes, seeing the understanding, but not pity. I saw that she had felt loss. Not the kind of loss that most people feel… Not grief, per se, but the feeling of a piece of your heart, of your soul itself being ripped violently away from you.

For the first time in too long of a time, I felt understood. And I liked it. I liked it a lot.

A/N: Okay, so I had virtually no time to make this (I'm sorry for using English class, Mrs. Chwiziki plz dont h8 me) but yea…. I had like downwards of 15 minutes to whip this up, but I almost shit bricks when I realized it had been, like a month since my last update… IM SORRY REALLYYYYY

- bUt, november break is like, in two days, so that's my chance to gET SHiT DONE.

R&R ily guys :)