Chapter 4

"Huh? What? Cas, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Look Dean I just don't think I can talk to you about this."

"What? Why not? After all I am the other half of this whole situation!"

"Dean! You get uncomfortable when I stand to close to you! You really think you could sit and have a conversation about how I feel, about the kind of relationship that we have, and what some people, think about it?"

"Well, I, uhm…"

"Exactly. Look I will work through this. Maybe I should talk to Sam. I think he could handle this better."

As Cas turned to leave Dean thought about Cas talking to Sam about this. And He flashed back to the day they found out about "Destiel". And then he thought about Sam's reaction to it.

"Cas wait! You are right. I do get uncomfortable with the touchy, feely, girlie crap. But I can talk about this."

"Are you sure Dean?"

"Yea…yea, of course. Talk to me."

"Dean, what did you think of this when you found out about it? I'm sorry but I can't imagine you reacting well to that."

"I reacted better then to their interpretation of mine and Sam's relationship."

"You and Sam's relationship?"

"Yea. Let's just say that some people see our relationship as a little more then what it is."

"You mean…?"

"Yea."

"They do know you're brothers right?"

"Exactly what I said. But apparently that doesn't matter."

"Wow."

"Yea. Now doesn't that make this Destiel thing seem not so bad.?"

Cas looked confused.

"I don't look at it as bad."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't look at Destiel as a bad thing."

"Then what are you freaking out about? And why did you take off? And wait, what do you mean you don't see Destiel as a bad thing?"

Cas sat down on the side of the bed.

"Dean, you said that you seen the website I found."

"Yea."

"Did you read it?"

"Well, no. I read the title and figured it out."

"Well, I did read it. And it made me do some, self-evaluation. It really made me look into myself and who I am, how I feel."

"Wait a minute. How you feel? Cas, are, are you saying, you actually feel that way?"

Castiel looked at how wide Dean's eyes got. "Dean, breathe. You wanted me to talk about this so I am talking. But if you're already freaking out maybe I should go talk to Sam."

"No, no, Cas, I'm not freaking out. Just surprised. Please, go ahead."

"Look, what I read was an outside point of view of our relationship. From the beginning when I pulled you out of hell, all the way to the battle at Stull Cemetery. Do you realize everything I did during that time? And why?"

"Of course I do Cas. You rebelled against heaven for us. I wouldn't forget about that."

"No Dean. I rebelled for you. I told you that when I beat the hell out of you when you tried to say yes to Michael."

"Yea, I, kind of, remember that."

"I love Sam, I do. He's like a brother to me. But he's not the reason I rebelled. I did it for you. Because you asked me to. You made me believe in you."

"Whoa Cas! You can't make all of that may fault!"

"Dean, I don't blame you. I still feel I did the right thing. I honestly feel I did what god would have wanted. The arch-angels kick started the apocalypse because god left and they were lost. And instead of remembering what our father wanted, they panicked. So I don't regret my decision. But yes in the end it was you. And the more I think about it, the reason I've done everything that I have is because of you."

"Ok. I can see that. But it wasn't just me Cas. You chose free will. You chose to go against those douchebags! You chose to do the right thing and help save the world. That was in you."

"Yes, it was. But it never would have come out if not for you. Whenever I would start to doubt that rebelling was the right thing, you would be there to show me otherwise. You helped me realize that the angels had lost their way. Of course after that I made one bad decision after another."

"Cas you tried to do what was right. We've all screwed up trying to do what was right."

Cas smiled. "Yes, I guess we have. But thinking back through it all, Metatron was right."

"What! That douchebag! What the hell was he right about?"

"When he had me "captured" in heaven, he was making one of his self-righteous speeches. He was going on about why I was doing everything that I was doing. That I draped myself in the flag of heaven, that I claimed to be fighting for heaven. But in the end, it was for you. And then he told me you were dead. I had never felt grief like that. I've had a connection with you ever since I put my hand on you in hell. I said before that we had a profound bond. That wasn't me over exaggerating. There was a bond that linked us together. It took an immense amount of my power and grace to heal you, put your soul back together and fight our way out of hell. So that made me responsible for you. For your safety."

"Cas, I'm a grown man. You are not responsible for me."

"I understand why you would see it that way. But I don't. The sacrifices that were made to save you. How vitally important you are. The lives you have save, and the things you've taught me about being better. So to me I do feel responsible. I know you didn't ask for it, but that's just how I feel."

"Cas, I don't like that. I don't like thinking you feel responsible for me. Like I need a babysitter or something. No."

"I'm working on getting better about that. Because I have centered you in the middle of my life. And reading that, has made me have to step back and look at everything and what the best thing to do next is."

"What do you mean the next thing to do? What is this all about?"

Cas knew the next thing he was going to say would not go over well. So he stood and took a deep breath.

"Dean, when I look at everything I did and do, I have to admit to myself and come to the realization that I love you, that I am, in love with you."