Chapter 7

The ride back to the bunker was pretty quiet. Mainly because Sam slept. But in all honesty, Dean didn't feel much like talking. He was thinking about what he was going to do when he got back there. He understood what Cas said about every decision he had made was because of Dean. He didn't like it, but he understood. But the love part, that he just couldn't wrap his head around. Cas is his best friend, but if Dean was to be honest with himself, he wasn't Castiel's best friend. Cas might see him like that, but it's not how Dean sees it. It's not a title he feels he deserves. Except for a few occasions, Dean hasn't been there for Cas. Not really. He's actually been pretty crappy to him. Dean knows he's not a great person. And as he proved with Lisa, not a great person to love. Well he's got to figure this out, and he will.

When they got back to the bunker Dean got the laptop and headed to his room with Sam yelling behind him to keep porn off his computer. When he got settled, he managed to find the web site again. It was an analysis of their relationship from the moment Cas pulled him from hell. How much Cas sacrificed and the toll that it took on him. All of which Cas pretty much explained. But for them to believe this relationship is a thing then how do they figure Dean. So he kept reading. And the funny thing is they didn't. There is an insane amount of evidence that Cas is in love with him but not anything for Dean. Except at the end. According to this, Dean seemed upset about Cas going back to heaven. The interpretation is that Dean was upset about losing Sam and then finding out Cas was going back to heaven hurt him. Which is why he threatened to go after God next. He was losing everybody, and Dean doesn't like to lose. And then when Cas just disappeared he said that Cas 'sucked at goodbyes' it was an emotional blow to Dean. So from what Dean was reading he could definitely see how people came to the conclusion about Cas, but if this is suppose to be a couple thing, then where was the stuff about Dean? The weird thing is that kind of upset Dean. Why? He's going to read through it again, see if he can understand it more.

Dean sat and read through it quite a few more times. He also read some other Destiel things. After a couple of hours Dean closed the laptop. He let everything he read soak in. He also thought about everything that has happened since then. Everything him and Cas had been through. How hurt he was when he found out that Cas was working with Crowley, how he felt when he thought he'd lost Cas in that river, when he found him again, purgatory, coming back from purgatory without him, and on, and on, and on. Everything they had been through. How he felt about everything. There was a lot of things Dean had to admit to. And a lot of things he had to be brutally honest about. He was going to have to talk to Cas. And if he still needed time away, he would give it to him and not bother him again. But he knew this had to be dealt with.

Here goes nothing.

"Cas, there's nothing serious going on with any hunts or anything but I've been doing some research into this Destiel thing, and I believe I understand a little more. And there's some things I've realized that I would really like to talk to you about. If not I understand but, I miss my friend and I'd really like to talk to you."

Dean sat there for a few minutes. Cas didn't show.

"Well when you're ready I guess."

Dean went and gave Baby an oil change and a good wash. Did some detail work inside the car and just tried to find some busy work. He was trying to take his mind off of everything, and he was failing. He just really wanted to talk to Cas. But he knew there was nothing he could really do but wait. So he'd wait. He did odd jobs the rest of the day and it was pretty late when he headed to bed. He tried to stay up late hoping Cas would show but he'd done so much that he wore himself out. It was just time to sleep.

Dean headed toward his room sore and tired from the day hoping he could get a little sleep. But when he opened the door, he got a surprise.

"Hello Dean."

Cas was standing by the wall in Dean's room. And Dean noticed how much lighter he felt just seeing Cas in front of him.

"Cas, it's really good to see you man."

Cas smiled. "You too Dean."

"I was starting to think you weren't going to come."

"I almost didn't. When you said you had looked into it, I figured it would upset you. And if you have called me back here to chastise me about my feelings and them being stupid then I would just rather leave because they are not stupid to me and it's something I need to deal with."

Dean was shaking his head. "Not at all Cas. I don't think your feelings are stupid. And after the research and reading I did, I understand how and why you have your feelings. I don't think they are deserved, but I understand."

"I can see that. You never think you deserve love. You think your life is cursed. Regardless of the many times I've told you what a good man you are and that you do deserve good things, you still won't believe me. And you probably never will. But honestly that's just another thing to love about you."

Dean was still uncomfortable with Cas using the word love, and it was obvious.

"You are uncomfortable with me saying I love you aren't you?"

"I'm sorry Cas, I am."

"Then why do you want to talk about this? Why did you call me here?"

"It's not the reason you think Cas."

"Then what is it Dean?"

"Cas there's a reason I have one night stands. I don't want anyone getting attached to me. People who have gotten attached to me have ended up hurt, or worse."

"Dean, you knew I was attached to you before any of this came out."

Dean sighed. "You're right. Wrong word. People who have loved me have ended up hurt or worse. And you know that it's true. My dad, Helen, Jo, Bobby, Charlie all dead! And let's not forget Lisa and Ben whose memories of me you had to completely erase to keep them safe after some demons almost killed them! I am not a person to love! The people who love me get hurt or die! So no, I don't want you to love me, if you love me, I lose you and I can't have that! Cas I haven't had to worry about you too much because your you and you can take care of yourself! Except for when you were human and then I constantly worried. But the moment that you love me, you become cursed and I can't have that! I can't lose you! Not again! You and Sam are all I have and I'm going to be selfish about this I don't want to lose you! So no I don't want you to love me! Please don't love me!" Dean had started to cry.

Cas started towards Dean but Dean held his hand up. "Hold on. Just give me a minute."

Cas stopped and waited.

"Dean, I truly am sorry that I upset you with this. That was not my intention."

"I know Cas. And it's not your fault. You are just being honest about how you feel and how you want to deal with it. I just don't know how to handle things like this. "

"I know Dean. That's why I said I had to do this on my own."

"Yea, but I guess there are some things I just have to face. Things that I have to deal with."

"There's nothing you have to face or deal with. This is my problem. I'm sorry if you feel like it's yours but it really is not."

Dean took a deep breath. "Yes it is Cas. I've had to do a lot of soul searching too. I did a lot of reading. And I've thought a lot about our relationship and where it's gone since we met. I don't think I ever consciously thought about how I feel about you. Except that you're my best friend and very important to me. And honestly I've never had feelings like that for a guy. Not that you are not attractive or anything you are, I've just never been attracted to guys. Which is why all of this confused me so much. Even in those stories it's obvious that I like the ladies, so why? That's when I looked past the stories. To everything that happened after. The stories that they don't know about. Things we've done for each other and because of each other. I always gave you crap for the whole 'profound bond' thing but, it's true. We do share a bond. And I think it's grown stronger over time. And up until now, I've been fine with the way things are. Now, I have to rethink everything."

"Dean? What are you saying?"

"Cas, just wait. Let me finish. It's been easy for me to not think deeper into our relationship because I've always seen you as a guy. So it never crossed my mind. Then you said something. Then you reminded me. You're not a guy. I see a guy because of your vessel. And I know Jimmy's not in there anymore but it's still what I see. But when I think of you and me, who we are and not what we are, I know there's more. And I know there's more to how I feel. Feelings that are extremely hard to admit or say out loud."

"Dean, are you saying…"

Dean took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and looked Castiel in the eyes.

"Yes, Cas I love you too."