Chapter 8

Castiel stared at Dean for a moment.

"Dean I don't think you realize what you're saying."

"Yea Cas, I do. But you need to listen to me."

"I am listening to you Dean."

Dean smiled. He does love how simple Cas can be.

"When I look back on everything that has happened since we met, the good and the bad, I remember all the times you've been there for me, everything you have done for me, everything you have sacrificed for me. You come when I call, most of the time, when you can. And you've done all of this even though I've taken advantage of you, treated you like shit, a lot, and not being there when you needed me most of the time. I always made my problems more important and a lot of the time didn't take your feelings, needs and problems into account. And still you were there. No matter how awful I was to you, you were always there. I never thanked you for that."

"You don't have to thank me Dean."

"Yes I do. For that and so much more. You've saved my life so many times. And Sam's. I honestly don't know what I would do without you."

"Dean, I'm not going anywhere."

Dean sat down on the bed and looked at the floor.

"Yes you are Cas."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you still need to spend some time away from me."

"But Dean,"

"No Cas, please, just listen. Even though I can admit these feelings to you now, doesn't mean I can act on them now. This is all very new to me. As I said before, I know you're not technically a guy, but it's something I need to work through or get passed I don't know. I know it's stupid but when you've been only one way your whole life, it's hard to just switch teams all of a sudden. Please understand, you having a male vessel has nothing to do with my feelings for you and it doesn't change them. But there are certain parts of a relationship I'm just not ready to try yet."

"Dean if you are talking about sexual relations, I would not ask that of you. I know you couldn't."

"Honestly Cas, I just don't know. I'd like to think I'm not that closed minded but I can't just jump into something like that, and that is part of any real relationship. I don't do relationships well. And you don't deserve that."

"Dean, I told you I'm not asking anything from you."

"I know that Cas. But I just need you to know. I do care about you, I do, love you, but I can't give you that kind of relationship now. And to be honest, I don't know if I ever will. It is something I will think about, a lot. But what I do want is for you to be happy. And I cannot give you false hope of being able to give you more than I can right now. I can't even promise if I ever will. I would like to think so, but I just don't know. The only thing I can promise is that I will always be here. And I will always be your friend."

"I know that Dean."

"Then know this. I want you to continue your time away from me. Do what you set out to do in the first place. Work through your feelings for me. So that hopefully one day maybe you can have a relationship with someone that deserves you. And I will work through mine."

"Dean, I don't need to do that now."

"Really Cas? Because I'm pretty sure it takes a little longer than that to get over someone. If not, I'm a little hurt."

"No Dean, I'm not over it. I'm saying I don't have to leave to get over it."

"I thought you said you needed time away from me to distance yourself from these feelings?"

"I thought I did. I thought that I did because I never thought you would feel the same way. I was afraid that if I told you and still stayed around things would be really awkward for you. And like you said, you don't handle emotions well, and I believe you would have gotten hateful with me, even angry just to distance yourself from me. And I didn't want that pain. Now, knowing that you have these feelings also, there is no reason for me to stay away."

"Cas, are you not listening to me? I cannot be with you Cas! Not like that! I can't give you a relationship!"

"I know that Dean."

Dean looked confused.

"Then how can you stay?"

"I can work on my feelings on my own and still be around. Knowing now, that you will be working on the same thing and knowing, how I feel, without being uncomfortable around me, no more than usual, will make this easier. And I don't have to be away from you and Sam. That's what hurts the most. So, I would like to stay. Unless you need me to leave Dean. If you are still uncomfortable, then I will leave to make this easier on you."

"I know you would. You'd do anything for me. Anything to make my life easier. Like you said, it's always about me."

"Not this time Dean. It's about both of us. We are both going to be struggling with the same thing. We may not talk about it or be around each other as much, but we're still going through it together. And when we need we will be there for each other. We go on, we do what we do and whatever the future brings, it brings."

Dean laughed. "When did you turn into Dr. Phil?"

Cas smiled. "I'd like to think I'm smarter."

"That's true. Do you really think we can do it? Go on like we do, knowing what we know, dealing with, all that we're dealing with."

"I think together we can. As long as we agree that if anything becomes a problem, or too much to deal with, we talk about it. We don't shut down and we don't run away. Can you do that?"

"You know what? I actually think I can. But you're going to have to have patience with me. Can you do that?"

"I have for all these years haven't I?"

"Yea, I guess you have. What's this going to mean for us Cas? Are we going to change?"

Cas sat down next to Dean. When Dean didn't flinch, he smiled.

"I think we will a little. But we're still us. We're still friends."

"Is that enough for you right now? Honestly?"

"Of course it is. And at the risk of making you uncomfortable I will say this. Knowing that I am loved like that in return, means more to me then you will ever know. I can't remember ever feeling that. And it makes me feel a lot better, lighter, like things are going to be okay. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yea Cas, I think I do. And so you know, I hope I can grow more in the future. Maybe even be able to take this further one day. If it's still, there."

"Maybe." Said Cas.

Dean stood, and then Cas.

"Can we agree to keep this between us?"

"Of course Dean, I understand that you feel embarrassed right now."

"No Cas, that's not it. But if Sam knew, he would either want to help, which wouldn't be a help at all, trust me. Or he will give me crap forever and then I would have to kill my own brother. Which I would prefer not to do."

"I understand. Of course, I will not say anything." Cas turned to leave, Dean grabbed his shoulder.

"Cas, never think I am ashamed of you I'm not. And never will be."

"Thank you Dean. I guess I'll go to my room now."

"Ok Cas. Yea, you've got your own T.V. in there now and new bedding. A few other things."

Cas smiled and turned again to go, but once again Dean grabbed his shoulder. But this time when Castiel turned around he was pulled into an embrace. Dean just held him for a good couple of minutes. Then he gently whispered.

"I love you Castiel."

"I love you too Dean."