So...yes. Smut. Shameless smut. You don't wanna read that, then don't read the chapter. It'll be in Aedan's POV and is connected to chapter three. Oh, and just in case...NSFW. Entirely smut for the most part.
Maker, I'm such an idiot. She was right, as usual. I could have just explained what was going to happen and she would have understood. I know she would have. Leliana's not unreasonable. She wouldn't have been happy, but she would've understood if I'd just tried explaining. But I didn't, and I deserve this. She has every right to be angry with me. I was such an idiot. Giving up Warden secrets would be better than this by a mile. More than that. Nothing is more important to me than her, and I could've just ruined everything. I don't even know how to begin apologizing, let alone how I'm going to get her to open that door and talk to me. I wouldn't even be surprised if she was gone by tomorrow.
I'm not even surprised. I always manage to mess up with women. When I met Leliana, all I'd ever successfully managed to do was flirt with someone. I would always do something wrong, and then my siblings would jump to my defense and Father would spend hours yelling at us for misbehaving. Fergus got a broken nose in a fistfight once. My fault. Elissa broke her leg in another. Not sure how she managed that, but also my fault. And now here I am, messing up all on my own without any guards to argue and fight with.
No, I really fucked this one up. The look of utter shock and disbelief on her face when I finally admitted to what has been eating away at me for the past two weeks...I've only seen that look on her once, and that was when we confronted Marjolaine. I've never seen Leliana look more betrayed and furious in the time I've known her as she did mere moments ago. Not even when she was nearly stabbed by Marjolaine. That look was cold and calculating. The look I got...it radiated fury and betrayal and all the hurt those emotions bring. The only time I've ever felt this guilty about something was when I snapped at Elissa for falling for Alistair. I deserve everything she can throw at me. Hate, anger, even leaving. If she leaves, I'll have no right to follow. I don't even have the right to ask her to forgive me.
I have made a lot of mistakes with women in my twenty-three years of life, but nothing as horrible as this. I got over rejection and anger before. And yet for some reason, I know I won't be getting over this anytime soon. This is easily the worst mistake I've ever made in my entire life. Why didn't I tell her first? What was I thinking?
I hear a faint sob come from the other side of the door. She's...crying? I've never even gotten the feeling that she would do that. It seems so...out of character for her. And to know I'm the source of the pain to push her that far kills me. I want to make this right. Not for me, but for her. I don't want to apologize so I'll feel better. I want to apologize for making her so upset. I want to hold her and make the pain go away. It's such a childish and weak thing to say, but it's true. Hearing Leliana cry hurts me. It's a foreign sound that I never want to hear again.
Out of nowhere, I find myself standing and knocking softly on the door. "Leli, please. Talk to me." I'm not sure where my voice comes from, or how it stays so calm and level.
"Just...leave me be. Go." Her voice isn't nearly as level as my own.
"Not until you let me talk."
"You can damn well talk through the door then," she snarls.
"No," I say resolutely.
After a long moment, the door swings open. She's glaring at me full-force, but I'm not surprised. I should have expected that. What I don't expect is the blank look in her eyes. The utterly cruel look of not caring that she plastered on for her old bardmaster. That's a knife to my heart, and when I wince, I see the corner of her mouth curl in the faintest of sadistic grins. It's gone just as quickly, and a brief flash of fear crosses over her features. It too is gone before I can mention it.
"You wanted to talk." She doesn't even look like she was crying.
I clear my throat nervously. I don't even know how to begin apologizing. Nothing I say will cover how much I regret what I did. "Leliana, I...I..."
"You have a lot of nerve," she says flatly.
"I...what?"
"Coming after me like you have the right to," she snaps. "You don't own me. You don't seem to even care." I visibly flinch at her words and she notices, snorting in annoyed amusement. "I don't know how I did not notice before."
"Notice what?" I ask, throat and mouth having gone dry. I know exactly what she's going to say.
"How much you were like Marjolaine," Leliana says, laughing in bitter disbelief. "I was such a fool for thinking that you ever truly cared for me."
I've held eye contact up until this point, but now I look at my feet. Shame doesn't even begin to cover what I feel. "I...I did," I whisper. I didn't trust her to tell her about the ritual. "I still do." I'm such an idiot.
"Then why didn't you tell me what was happening?"
I shake my head, at a loss. "Because I'm stupid," I mutter. "Because I was too scared and weak to admit that I was afraid to die."
Leliana gives another snort. She crosses her arms in a guarded manner and leans on the doorframe like what I say doesn't matter. "Always back to you."
My head snaps up and I'm not sure where my anger comes from, but it appears with a vengeance. Something on my face must give it away because her eyes widen. I don't give her the chance to slip past and escape. I grab both of her arms and use my height to back her into the room. I kick the door shut behind us before spinning around and pressing her against it. I'm not overly gentle, but by no means do I hurt her. I never would.
I step closer enough that my body is pushing on hers. I don't drop my eyes or even move them from hers to reach over to the lock and slide it into place. And to make sure she can't pull away, I put my knee between her legs and pin her hands over her head.
"Don't think I didn't hate myself every minute I was with Morrigan," I say. "I did. I still hate myself. I can't look in a mirror for fear of who I'll see staring back at me. Everyday since then, I've regretted every minute I spent with Morrigan because it was a minute I wasn't with you. I've hated myself for laying down next to you at night knowing what I did. I've hated myself for being so cowardly and selfish to do it. I've hated myself for lying through my teeth to Cyrus about how Elissa survived killing the Archdemon. I've hated living with the memory of it. I hate remembering that night. I hated every minute with Morrigan. Every stupid fucking minute of it. Any minute I'm not with you makes me worry for your safety, but those were horrible. It killed me to have sex with that witch. And I'm sorry. Sorry for not telling you sooner, or before the ritual happened. But what's done is done. I can't take it back, Leli. And I don't want to. If I did, my sister would've died in that tower. Or Alistair would have, and Elissa would have gotten herself killed because of that stupid spirit. Or I'd be dead and I'd have lost you. So think of me what you will. A coward, an idiot. Whatever. Leave me if you want to. There are better people out there. You deserve someone who could give you everything you ever wanted. But never think I would hurt you, or lie to you, or sleep with someone else because I wanted to. It's not how I was raised. I was raised to treat a woman like an equal, someone to be revered and loved should the Maker ever grace me with someone to return the feelings. I was raised to defend her like no other, to put her before everything and everyone. I liked those ideals so much that my parents saw it fit to let me handle my own affairs, not that I've had any before you. I'm glad they did, too. If they hadn't, I would've been married off years ago and never would have had the chance to become a Grey Warden. I never would've met you, Leli. I never would have met the kindest, strongest, most loving woman I've ever seen. The very thought of it scares me. Not once in my life did I ever think I'd be so lucky as to find a woman to put up with my stupid sense of humor long enough to fall in love with me. And I sure as hell didn't think if I did find one that they would be an Orlesian bard Elissa found in Lothering. But I always knew that if I did, I'd never hurt her, I'd never want someone else, and I'd always want her to be with me." I inhale deeply, fixing Leliana with a hard stare. "Don't you get it? I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone. I would never hurt you intentionally. I don't think ahead very often, but if I did, I would've told you. I was terrified though. I didn't want to lose my sister or Alistair or Cyrus. I didn't want to die because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving you behind for someone else. I regret what happened that night at Redcliffe. Truly, I do. I should've gone and told you first. But I can't change the past, Leli. All I can do is ask you to forgive me and hope I can spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
Leliana's blue eyes have gone wide. Her mouth moves, but no words come out. Not at first. "Aedan, I...I'm so sorry..."
"Don't be," I say. It takes me a brief moment to realize I'm still holding her against the door, so I release her wrists. But before I can move my knee and step sway, she wraps her arms around my neck and presses her lips to mine. Relief hits me first. Knowing she forgives me, or is trying to. It's quickly followed by a wave of blinding lust. I've been away for almost two weeks now, not seeing her since the brief celebration in Denerim when Anora officially recognized Elissa as Warden-Commander and gave us the Arling of Amaranthine as a reward for defeating the Blight. I've been without Leliana just as long, the last person I slept with being Morrigan. The thought makes me cringe from Leliana's kisses and dampens my arousal fairly quickly.
She seems to understand as I break away from her lips. A faint smile crosses her face and she runs a thumb across the facial hair around my mouth and to my chin. I do my best to keep from growing a beard, but I've also found I like having a goatee if I keep it as short as possible. I never let it grow to be longer than stubble. My hair has also gotten longer, long enough that I have bangs. She runs her hand through my hair, frowning in the slightest.
"You look different," Leliana says at last.
I quirk an eyebrow. "Different? How?"
"Well, for starters, you always got rid of your stubble before heading out from camp in the mornings," Leliana says, laughing. "And you'd always ask me to help you keep your hair cut short."
"It's still short," I say defensively.
"Not as short as it used to be," she mutters. "It's long enough I can run my hands through it." Tilting her head to the side, she resumes the motion, and my eyes drift shut. The way her fingers rake over my scalp...Maker help me. "It's soft. You should let it grow out more often."
"Not so obsessed with my eyelashes now that I have hair, huh?" I tease, forcing my eyes to open.
She giggles. "I haven't seen your eyelashes in far too long. I forget how they flutter when you dream."
"I'd like for that to change," I say softly. "I want to be with you more. I...I enjoy spending time with you, Leli. Especially now that there's no Blight to worry about."
"Mmm." She must have caught on that I like how her hands feel because she starts doing it again. Something about that makes me shiver. My eyes close again, giving me the opportunity to fully appreciate how wonderful it feels to have her hands in my hair. I lean forward and rest my forehead on hers, reveling in the fact that I'm even here. She hasn't told me to leave. She's let me keep her trapped like this for a good ten minutes now. Not that I want to move. Here I can inhale her intoxicating scent. Here she can play with my hair.
I'm about to fully move and let her go so we can stretch, but she pulls me back again, holding me against her.
"I missed you," she whispers. I go to tell her the same thing, but she continues. "Don't leave now. Please." Her hands freeze when I hesitate to tell her that I can't bring myself to stay after what happened. I want to stay and hold her until the day burns to night, but I can't. I feel like I'll hurt her again or do something wrong, say something wrong, that pushes her away. "Aedan, please. I'm not mad at you. I understand. Don't leave again." It pains me to hear her beg for me like that. I don't want to leave, but I can't bring myself to stay.
"Leli, I-"
She's smart enough to hear the answer before it leaves my mouth. So before I can finish my sentence, she kisses me again. My head spins and I have to grab her hips to steady myself. The kiss is never gentle. It's hungry, fueled by desire and need, and I don't want to end it. It makes my blood run hot in my veins as it all rushes south. Her hands curl in my hair and her nails trace patterns on my scalp. They leave trails of heat in their wake, but chills run down my spine regardless. When I finally get the sense to return the kiss, Leliana moans and grinds her hips on my knee that is still pressed between her thighs. Another wave of desire shoots straight down and I press into her more firmly, taking more pleasure out of the closeness than I usually do. It's been far too long. I forget why I wanted to leave already.
"Maker," I groan, pulling away to catch my breath.
She laughs a lilting laugh that makes a smile tug at the corner of my mouth. Hearing that wonderful sound after being away from it for so long makes my heart soar as much as it did when we'd kissed for the first time. "Did you miss me too?"
A breathless laugh escapes me. "You have no idea."
Leliana plays with my bangs before a mischievous smirk crosses her face. "Do you want to stop?"
"Well..." She raises an eyebrow and looks at me like I'm insane. Her eyes are so dark from her own desire that I'd be afraid to say 'yes'. Not that I want to. Why would I? She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and like I said earlier, there are better people for her out there, but she chose me over all of them. I swore months ago to give her whatever was in my power to give in return. And right now, she wants me just as much as I want her. What fool would be dumb enough to refuse?
"No," I say. She grins wickedly before I press my mouth to hers in a desperate kiss. It doesn't take me much coaxing to get her to part her lips. The instant I can, I slide my tongue across hers, eager to taste her again. I could never figure out what the taste was, but I know for a fact it's better than darkspawn blood. Far better. She's so sweet and feminine beneath her outer shell, and I feel honored to be the one person in Thedas to get to see that side of her.
I move her head to the side to press light kisses to her neck. She moans wantonly, fisting her hands in my hair, and decides to drop one lower. I feel her fumbling with the clasp of my silverite breastplate before mumbling something in frustration and using her other hand to help. I can't help smirking as I trail my kisses down to her pulse point. The moment my lips graze her skin, she whimpers, pausing in her fidgeting to enjoy the sensation. The noise only arouses me further, and now I'm painfully hard in my trousers. I groan when she rubs on my knee again.
"Too...much armor," I growl.
"Agreed," she pants.
I take one of her hands in mine and help her free the clasp on my side. We work in tandem to undo the other three, but not once do I stop kissing her throat and cheeks. Not even to shrug the large, clanky plate off. It lands with a clatter, but I don't care. My shoulder guards remain still, yet Leli manages to get those on her own and throw them aside carelessly.
As I begin to move my lips to her exposed collarbone, she grabs me by the hair and jerks my mouth up to hers. She kisses me furiously, fisting my hair with one hand while sliding the other under my blue, grey, and silver Warden tunic. Her fingers trace my muscles and leave feather-like touches in their wake. I shiver under her touch, but before she can react, I grab the buckle holding her armor on. I yank it free and push the offending leather outfit off her. I pull everything off her in a matter of seconds. She's still pushed against the door, now completely bare before me, and I find myself staring, tracing her curves with my eyes.
I groan and push back against her, kissing her harder than I have the entire time. Leliana wraps her legs around my waist with a moan. My hips jerk forward of their own accord, enticing another whimper from her, but I swallow the sound in my mouth.
"Aedan..."
The way my name falls from her lips makes my heart race. I can't wait. Not any longer. I slide my arms around her back and crush her against me before stumbling back to the bed. Leliana settles over my hips and starts tugging on the laces of my breeches impatiently.
She's preoccupied...
A grin tugs at my lips as I pull away from her mouth. One of my arms comes up to encircle her waist, and while she looks down at me with a slightly confused expression, I tighten my grip to roll over, reversing our positions. She giggles as I press a kiss to her nose. For a moment, I allow myself to be distracted by how she looks. Hair slightly out of place, eyes so dark they're black, and lips swollen from my hungry kisses. A huge smile crosses my face as I settle on my elbows.
"What?" Leliana asks.
I just shrug, cupping her face with my hand. She leans into the touch and my smile grows. "I don't know. I was just suddenly struck by how beautiful you are." The Orlesian returns my smile, pressing a chaste kiss to the palm of my hand. I usually do that to her.
"You sound silly."
I quirk an eyebrow. "Is there a problem with me saying how attractive I find you?"
"Yes, considering I'm completely naked and you still have your clothes on," she says dryly. "When that changes, I may find myself more inclined to allow you to talk more."
"Allow me?"
A grin crosses her features only briefly. "Shirt. Off. Now."
I match the grin, grabbing the hem of it before pulling it over my head. I toss it aside and lean back down, eyebrow still raised. "Better?"
"Boots too."
I kick the plate-covered things off without dropping her eyes. "Anything else?" I wiggle my brows suggestively, but she shakes her head. Her gaze traces my shoulders before falling to my chest and the scars left. She starts to frown as she reaches up to run her fingers over them.
"Why didn't you let Wynne heal these?"
"Because I like them," I say, shrugging a single shoulder. "When I get dressed in the mornings, they remind me that you're alive." I smile sheepishly. "I like remembering that I was willing to die for you. I, uh, I still am."
Leliana smiles. Her hand moves away to trace my muscles and I shiver, squeezing my eyes shut at the pleasurable tingles. "Comparing you to Marjolaine was a mistake."
I allow a faint smile to tug at my lips. "Why's that?"
"You're kinder," she says simply. "You care."
I open my eyes and fix her with a hard look. "Of course I care. Why wouldn't I?" She looks away and starts to reply, but I grab her chin, turn her back to me, and press my mouth to hers. Her body has gone rigid since she mentioned Marjolaine, so I wait for her to relax before pressing my body on hers. She takes a few more seconds to kiss me back, and even longer to become fully comfortable with this idea again, but I don't push. Hurting her is the last thing on my list of things to do. It'll never happen. Not intentionally. And if I ever do, Maker damn me.
"Aedan, please..." I didn't even realize she was fumbling with the laces on my breeches again until she spoke. I yank off my belt, and then quickly revert my attention to helping her. A muffled groan escapes my throat when I finally free myself from the confines of those blasted things and my smallclothes. I debate about teasing her for a brief moment, but decide against it. I'd kill us both if I did. Still...
I pull away from her, knitting my eyebrows together. "Are you sure?"
When she nods, I don't wait. I kiss her furiously and shove myself inside of her in one quick, short thrust. Her back arches against my chest as a moan rips out of her throat. I freeze completely, eyes squeezed shut, to take in the feeling of being inside her again for the first time in weeks. I'm not a virign by far (I have Leliana to thank for that) but Maker, I forgot how amazing it felt to be with her. All I had to occupy myself with were dreams and memories. They weren't enough. They never will be.
She tugs on my hair, impatient, and I actually laugh. "Problem, Leli?"
She fights to keep a straight face as I ever so slowly pull back. "Not one." Her fingers twist in my hair, a faint whimper coming from her.
I raise an eyebrow and slam back into her with so much force that she practically screams. "You sure about that?"
"Yes," she manages to say.
"Really? Well that needs to change." I kiss her mouth once before I move my way along her jawline, rolling my hips against hers the entire time. The sounds she makes...they make me want to abandon any sense of control I have and just fuck her. I love the noises coming from her throat. I love that I'm the one making her feel like this. She mewls as I kiss my way down her neck, pressing herself closer to me. Her hands keep my head on her, guiding me closer and closer to her chest. She definitely knows what she wants. Leliana is practically trembling with anticipation once I finally kiss the hollow between her collarbone and neck.
I shift in the slightest as I pull out of her, and as I drive into her again, she throws her head back and moans so loudly I'm sure someone outside could hear. "Yes, oh Maker, Aedan...right there..." I press a kiss to the swell of her breast before drawing her nipple into my mouth. Her hand clenches in my hair while she digs her nails on the other into my shoulder. The pain feels good, so unbearably good, that I suck harder than I intended to. Leliana doesn't seem to care. She arches her back into my touch and whispers something I don't catch.
Her legs come around my waist again. The change in angle creates friction in new areas for both of us. I thrust another time, and unlike the others, she raises her hips to meet mine.
"Harder," she moans.
The tone of her voice sends me into a frenzy. I grab one of her hips and pull myself back so far I'm almost completely out before slamming back into her. I growl at the feeling coiling in the pit of my stomach, but I hold off, determined to make her fall over that edge first. So I harden my thrusts as demanded, hitting her innermost pleasure point so many times that she's a writhing mess beneath me. She matches each thrust with her hips, taking me as deeply as possible, when I feel her muscles start clenching. She's close.
I lift my mouth to hers, delving my tongue inside to swallow any noises she makes. I squeeze her hips and hold them against mine, ramming into her faster and more erratically than I probably ever have. The way she squeezes me...Maker...I just need to last a few more seconds...
As soon as she cries out her release, I let go. Her muscles spasm around me as I release my seed into her, groaning and burying my face in her neck. I hug her to my chest, inhaling her scent, as we both calm from the aftershocks. She's trembling in my arms, panting heavily, but smiling.
I flop on my back, staring at the ceiling with my eyebrows drawn together in a frown. She curls into my side and hums to herself. "Why did you forgive me so easily?"
Leli blinks. Her blue eyes are so much different from my own. More clear, more sky-colored. I love them. She blinks several more times before answering. "I'm not mad."
"Oh," I say. "So...not forgiven?"
"No."
I shrug. "If you forgave me that easily, I'd think you were a demon in disguise." She shrugs back, wrapping her arm around my stomach. Again, she's drawn back to the claw marks on my chest. She seems fascinated by them.
"I still can't believe someone would do something like that for me."
"Marjolaine wouldn't?" I ask, confused.
Leli frowns, shaking her head. "I do not think so. Elissa and I had been talking a while ago. She's sure I was just being used."
I hesitate before saying, "She's probably right, you know."
"That doesn't mean I have to like it," Leliana replies. "How would you feel if you spent years of your life dedicated to someone only to find out they would toss you aside like a street whore?"
"Well, I suppose I'd just stab them," I say. I keep my face blank while her eyes narrow. She searches my face for any signs of humor before she huffs and rolls her eyes, only slightly amused. I grin at her, kissing the side of her head.
"Can you ever take something seriously?"
"Usually," I say. "But for what it's worth, I really am sorry, Leli."
"I don't have to worry about that from you, do I?" She smirks the comment aside like a joke, but I can see the truth behind her eyes. She's dead serious.
I kill the urge to make a joke. "Never. I'm yours from now until the moment I die." She merely nods, resting her head on my chest. I can feel her smile, but I don't bring it up. I just wrap my arms around her shoulders and doze off.