Erza (Anger)

Erza stared blankly at the water winding its way through the landscape just a few feet in front of her. She absently scooted forward a little so that she could let one pale hand dip into the river. The current swirled gently around her fingers for several seconds before she withdrew her hand. She silently watched the water pouring through her fingers back into the river, and reflected that it rather looked like the tears she couldn't cry.

"Erza?"

Startled, she twisted around, almost losing her balance and toppling into the river before catching herself. Natsu was standing several feet behind her, watching her carefully. She felt a sudden stab of unhappiness that it wasn't Gray standing there, coming to comfort her like he had done all those years ago, but she hurriedly pushed it aside. Thinking like that wasn't fair to Natsu, and it certainly wouldn't do her any good or improve her mood. But still…

Erza sighed softly. "How did you find me?" she asked evenly. Not many people knew about her riverside retreat. Gray…Gray had known, but few others had. "I hope you haven't been searching for me all over the place."

The dragon slayer hesitated, shuffling his feet uncertainly before walking forward and sitting down beside her. He looked out at the river, as if trying to figure out what Erza had seen in its swirling waters. She noticed that although he seemed rather drawn and solemn, he showed few obvious signs of grief. After his initial state of shock and depression he had seemed to bounce back quickly. That was Natsu—strong and resilient.

"I have, actually. Been searching for you." Natsu glanced at her sidelong. "You keep disappearing from the guild."

Erza shrugged. "It's not like I'm the only one. You haven't gone to the guild every day either, Cana keeps running off to get drunk in different bars, and no one has even seen Juvia in days."

"That's true," Natsu said with a nod, conceding the point. "But I was looking for you. No one seemed to be able to guess where you might be."

"Hardly surprising," she remarked dryly. "Sorry you had to hunt me down. I hope you haven't been searching for me too long. Did you need something?"

Natsu shook his head. "No, I don't need anything. And no, it didn't really take me very long to find you."

Erza's eyebrows jumped upwards in surprise. "It didn't? Got lucky, did you?"

"No…" The dragon slayer looked torn, as if he was debating whether or not to tell her something. She studied him carefully, unsure of what he might feel it unwise to tell her. After a moment, he seemed to come to a decision. "When you weren't in the guild or at the dorms, I came down here looking for you first thing." He hesitated for a second. "Gray told me."

Erza jerked back in surprise and then narrowed her eyes at Natsu in consternation. Ignoring the twinge of heartache at hearing her dead friend's name, she pressed the dragon slayer to continue.

"What do you mean?"

Natsu chewed on his lip for a second before sighing and returning his gaze to the river. "Well, it's not like he said it was a secret or anything," he murmured to himself. Erza felt her eyebrows inching upwards again. "He left me a letter," Natsu said abruptly. "Apparently he wrote it before the fight with the demon, and gave it to Jii-chan to hold on to in case…in case we needed the backup plan."

Erza let out a breath and her fingers curled around her knees, leaving red crescent-shaped marks where her nails bit into her skin. She pushed aside the feeling of injured betrayal that arose at the mention of the master, deciding that she would sort out that whole tangled mess of emotions later. She still couldn't believe that the man she had so admired and respected had betrayed them like that, but she forced herself to focus on what Natsu had said. A letter. Gray had left a letter?

"What–what did it say?" she asked, forcing her voice past the lump in her throat.

Natsu's slanted gaze suddenly took on a shifty edge, as if he wasn't willing to answer her honestly, but he spoke anyway. "A lot of things, really. But a big part of it was asking me for favors. He wanted me to check up on some people and make sure that they were okay, since he…wouldn't be around to do it himself. You were one of those people." His hands clenched convulsively, his fingers digging into the earth in front of him. "He told me to look for you here if I couldn't find you."

Erza felt her eyes fill with tears, and let her scarlet hair fall into her face so that Natsu couldn't see the moisture in her eyes if he looked at her again. She had been coming down to the river for at least an hour every day since Gray's death. It made sense since this was where she came to be alone and cry without being seen, but deep down she knew that wasn't the main reason. The real reason she still came here was because this was where Gray had found her crying all those years ago, and part of her was still holding onto the irrational hope that one day he might come up behind her and ask her why she was crying all by herself again.

It was a silly hope that shimmered and disappeared when she tried to look directly at it, but Natsu's words dragged it out of the shadows and forced her to see it for what it was—impossible. But in a way, Gray had come to comfort her again, just like when they were children. Even if he couldn't be here to do it himself, he had sent Natsu in his place. In his final days, when he should have been worrying about himself, he had still been looking out for her.

Erza let out a shaky breath. "I see," she said, struggling to keep her voice as even as possible. "I appreciate the sentiment, really, but as you can see, I'm doing alright."

Natsu snorted softly. "You're lying. You can keep on telling yourself, and telling everyone else, that you're 'fine', but you aren't, are you?"

Erza's breath caught as she looked back over at the dragon slayer with tear-filled eyes. She couldn't believe that he could see through her so easily, and vaguely wondered why the word 'fine' had been laced with so much bitterness.

"In that letter, he told me to find a way to make you talk about your feelings. Saying that you're 'fine' isn't going to make me leave you alone. You aren't currently surrounded by grieving people on the brink of falling apart—you don't have to pretend to be so strong right now. You aren't fine and you won't be fine for a while. You need to admit that to yourself."

Natsu was staring at her with smoldering eyes and Erza wondered when he had become so good at talking about emotions and feelings. He usually avoided it like the plague, just like she and Gray did.

He was still watching her, and she felt the need to open her mouth and say something to make him think that she was alright.

Instead, she found herself saying, "I miss him," in a small, wavering voice.

Natsu's eyes softened. "I know."

That's when the tears started in earnest, and although Erza tried to stop them, it was a losing battle. She buried her face in her hands and cried silently. All this time the tears had refused to come, and now she realized why. She had been afraid. She had been afraid because Gray had hated to see her cry, because Gray had comforted her and fought for her so that she didn't have to cry anymore, and most of all, because she knew that when she cried this time, Gray wouldn't be there to stop her. It was now, as she cried, that she felt the loneliest.

She suddenly felt Natsu's arm wrap around her and pull her sideways so that she was leaning against him, and she twisted to hide her face in his shirt. Gray wasn't here, but she realized that despite that, she wasn't really alone. She thought back to that last real conversation she had had with him, down here on the riverbank.

"You can talk to any of your friends. I'll help you in any way I can, but you can rely on the others too."

In the past, Gray had been the one to find her and understand her and keep her from crying alone, but she had other friends too. Friends that were still here. For a brief moment she indulged the fantasy that it was Gray holding her, but then she pushed it away firmly. Natsu wasn't Gray's substitute. He could comfort her just as well as Gray could.

It was time to stop sitting alone on the riverbank waiting for Gray to come fetch her.

"He was my first real friend at Fairy Tail," she said, her voice muffled by Natsu's shirt. "I mean, he was so annoying when I first met him. He was always trying to fight me or insult me, and I found it really weird that he kept unconsciously stripping. He was so closed off from people, and I kind of think that he was afraid to get close to anyone after what happened to his parents and master. And I guess I was probably the same way. He annoyed me so much, but in a lot of ways, we were the same."

Erza paused, debating whether or not to share the story of the start of their friendship. It was something intensely personal to the two of them, and she wasn't sure if she should let an outsider in. She had never told anyone else about it before and she doubted that Gray had either. But Gray wasn't here, and Erza wanted to talk about him. About what he had done for her and what he had meant to her.

"I was still really upset over what had happened at the Tower," she continued after a moment, finally pulling away from Natsu and wiping away her hot tears with the back of her hand. She wrapped her arms around her knees again and stared out at the river. "I used to come down here when I wanted to be alone or when I needed to cry and didn't want anyone to see me. And then one day he found me here. I was just sitting here crying, and all of a sudden he came charging down the bank demanding to fight me."

She let out a choked laugh at the memory. "And I didn't really want to fight this stupid kid, but I was going to do it anyway so that he didn't realize how upset I was. But he had seen me crying and decided that he didn't want to fight anymore. He just asked me why I was alone all the time, and when I said that I liked being alone, he asked me why I was crying then. And then he sat down next to me and refused to leave, because he didn't think that I should have to cry alone."

Her lips twitched upwards in a painful imitation of a smile, but the expression disappeared quickly. Tears were welling up again and she hurriedly brushed them away.

"And even though we never came out and said it or started being really nice to each other or anything, I think that's when we really became friends," she finished, her voice wavering unsteadily as she fought back more tears.

"Hm," Natsu hummed from beside her. He looked over at her, but although their gazes touched, they didn't quite meet, as if he couldn't quite look her in the eye. "It sounds like a beautiful start to a wonderful friendship," he commented.

"Yeah, you two had a lot of things in common. But…" He paused briefly before continuing. "But maybe that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider a little change. You both care a lot about your friends and would do almost anything for them, and that's not a bad thing. But you both also have a tendency to hide your emotions and pasts because you want to appear stronger than you are. You always hide behind your armor, and Gray always hid behind a carefully constructed façade. I think that at the end Gray was trying to break out of that a little and let us get a glimpse of his true feelings and thoughts. Maybe you should think about doing something similar."

Erza stared at him silently. She wanted to deny the accusations, but knew that she couldn't. Even now she was trying to pull herself together to put on a brave front for Natsu, just as she suspected that Gray had done for all of them. And in their last real conversation, Gray had pretty much advised her to do what Natsu just said. But he had also admitted that it wouldn't be easy, learning to open up and rely on others. Should Erza follow their advice? Probably. Could she? Well…that was a whole other matter entirely. But she had promised Gray that she would try.

Her eyes narrowed as she studied Natsu's face pensively. She rather thought that there was someone else here who should also be trying—someone else who had many of the same characteristics, even if he didn't want to admit it.

"That goes for you too, you know," she remarked." You aren't as bad as we are, but you always try to put up a brave front too. Even when you're upset, you still try to make people think that you're stronger than you are."

Startled, Natsu finally met her gaze. "I think you're giving me too much credit," he said dryly. "You and Gray are the kind of people who dwell on your pasts and problems even if you can't change them. I'm not."

"Oh really?" Erza asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Really," he repeated firmly. A hint of stubborn defensiveness crept into his voice as he realized that she wasn't buying it. "Give me one example then."

"Right now," Erza said with a sigh. "Gray was one of your closest friends and I don't doubt that his death hurt you a lot. But you can sit here and talk about him so calmly, as if you aren't affected at all. I can't imagine that you're half as disinterested as you pretend to be."

Natsu's expression immediately turned shuttered, and he watched her with wary eyes. "Like I said, I don't dwell on things as much as the rest of you. I already mourned Gray. I said what I needed to say and cried all that I needed to cry. Now I'm fine."

She studied him carefully. It was possible that he really wasn't as affected as the rest of them, because he was right when he said that he had an easier time of putting his problems behind him and looking forward. But still…

"Are you?" she asked, just barely resisting the urge to call him a liar like he had done earlier when he called her bluff. He was already defensive enough.

Natsu hesitated, reading something in her expression, and then sighed as his gaze slid away from hers. "I will be," he said quietly.

That was probably the closest thing to an admission that she'd get out of him, Erza reflected. With a sigh, she looked back out at the river.

"He found me down here again a few days before the battle and talked to me. I promised him that I would try. That I would try to open up and trust my friends with my feelings and problems. It won't–it won't be easy, but I'm going to try. I think that maybe we should all try."

She could practically feel Natsu's attention focus on her. "He talked to you before the battle too? Was he acting kind of strange?"

Erza considered it. "I mean, he was perhaps a little more open and straightforward than usual, and he admitted to feeling nostalgic. And there were a few things he said…" She shook her head, biting her lip as she recalled some of Gray's comments that had initially bothered her before he had written them off with a half-smile and a plausible explanation. She wondered how many of those explanations had been fabricated to cover up the fact that he might be dead within days. She swallowed hard. "Just things that didn't sound quite right."

They sat in silence for several long moments before Natsu stirred again.

"Apparently he talked to Lucy too, and he spoke with me as well. Looking back, I got the feeling that he was trying to say goodbye during that conversation. Lucy felt the same. Is that…?" He trailed off uncertainly.

Erza bowed her head and let her hair fall forward to veil her face. Yes, if she had to pick one thing that Gray had been trying to tell her, it would be 'goodbye'. The nostalgia and talk of the past, the hesitant consideration of the future, the promises secured… She blinked back tears. Yes, that had been the talk of a dying man.

"Yeah," she rasped past the lump in her throat. "Yeah."

A heavy silence fell once more. Erza allowed herself to cry soundlessly for a few minutes, before forcibly pulling herself together again. Before she could say anything, Natsu slowly pushed himself to his feet and looked down at her. She surreptitiously wiped at her eyes and tilted her head back to look at his face.

"I think I'm going to go back to the guild for a bit." He paused and studied her. "I think you should come too."

Erza balked. She knew that she was a mess, with red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. And there was still the possibility that something would set her off crying at any minute. She wasn't sure she wanted to be around everyone until she could get herself back under control.

"I don't think that–"

"In his letter," Natsu interrupted, "Gray specifically said that he didn't want you to be alone." They stared at each other, and Erza felt tears welling in her eyes again. "You said that you'd try," he added in a gentler voice.

After a moment, she nodded and stood. "Yes, I did say that," she whispered finally.

Natsu offered her a small smile and she tried to return it. She had the feeling that it looked more like a grimace than anything else, but at least she had tried.

"Let's go then," Natsu said, turning to walk away. "You still have a lot of friends who want to be there for you."

Erza made to follow him, but hesitated for a moment longer. She twisted back around to look at the river—the river where she had always come to be alone and mourn her losses and cry her tears.

For just an instant, she could have sworn that she heard an echo of Gray's words from their final conversation.

"You've come a long way from being that girl crying alone on the riverbank."

She smiled a wavering smile through her tears.

Yes, yes she had.

"How dare he? How dare he?"

Happy perched on a window ledge at the periphery of the room to watch the maelstrom from a place of relative safety. This was more familiar territory, but it was still disturbing. An angry Natsu made more sense than a Natsu who refused to eat and wouldn't enter a building unless he saw his dead friend inside. But…This was a different anger. An unfamiliar anger. An anger born of desperation and grief and pain.

The house was in shambles and the perpetrator stood in the middle of the wreck, still fuming. Natsu snatched up one of the few remaining plates and threw it against the far wall. It shattered in a very satisfying way, but it wasn't enough appease him.

"I didn't give him permission to die. I told him to live for his friends. I told him that I didn't want him to die and that he wasn't just some stupid backup plan. But did he listen? No!"

He spun and kicked the wall, leaving a gaping hole. Something in the back of his mind whispered that he shouldn't be destroying his house, but he ignored it. Right now he was so angry, and he wanted to destroy something. Gray wasn't here to fight with, so Natsu would just take out his fury on something else.

"How could he be so selfish?" Natsu spat. "Why the hell did he go off and play the hero like a damn fool?"

"Natsu–" Happy tried, but the dragon slayer continued rambling on, not seeming to even hear the Exceed.

"And what the hell was Jii-chan thinking, asking him to use that damn spell? And that stupid demon…I wish I could tear it apart!"

He turned and stared at Happy with blazing eyes. "But he was the one who went through with the idiotic plan! I told him to never use that spell again. He was always so damn stubborn! He never listened to me. Never! Why didn't he listen?"

"I think he listened to you," Happy ventured, watching his friend cautiously.

Natsu just snarled and bared his teeth. "Of course he didn't! If he listened to me then he wouldn't be dead! But he always was a selfish bastard."

Natsu turned away and slammed a fist into the wall.

"Natsu, you shouldn't be so angry at Gray," Happy insisted.

The dragon slayer laughed harshly. It wasn't an amused sound. "Why the hell not? This is all his fault."

Natsu would be angry with whoever he damn well pleased. He was angry at Jii-chan for thinking up such a stupid plan, angry at the demon that had ultimately caused Gray's death, angry at life because it was so damn unfair. But most of all, he was angry at Gray, because Gray had known how much he meant to everyone and how much his death would hurt them all, and he had gone and offed himself anyway. Deep down a little voice whispered that he was angry because he was grieving, because while he didn't know how to deal with grief, he knew how to deal with anger.

Natsu didn't want to listen to that voice. He didn't want to feel grief-stricken and hurt. He just wanted to smash things.

His eyes drifted to where a corner of Gray's letter poked out from the remains of his kitchen table, and he set his mouth in a grim line. He couldn't fight Gray for making him angry, because Gray wasn't here. But his stupid letter was. Natsu started forward, intent on ripping it to shreds.

"Natsu, no!" Happy, apparently sensing his intentions, suddenly hurtled across the room to snatch up the letter. He flew up towards the ceiling and hovered in the air, clutching the papers to his chest. His eyes filled with tears as he looked down at Natsu. "You can't! If you destroy this, you'll regret it later. This is something precious that Gray left you, and if you destroy it you'll never be able to get it back."

Natsu glared up at the little cat and considered just grabbing the letter back. It wasn't like Happy could really keep it away from him if he was that set on taking it. But…part of Natsu knew that Happy was right. He could buy more plates and furniture, but he wouldn't ever be able to replace that damn letter. Even though he had already read it enough times that he knew it by heart, Natsu knew that it wouldn't be the same if the physical copy was gone. It would be like destroying the only pieces of Gray he had left, and no matter how mad Natsu was at his friend, he couldn't make himself do that.

But damn, he wanted to.

"Fine. If you want it so badly then keep the thing," he snarled.

Happy looked momentarily surprised that the dragon slayer hadn't put up more of a fight, but it didn't disguise the hurt and sadness in his eyes. Natsu felt a prick of guilt. He shouldn't be taking his anger out on the Exceed. It wasn't Happy he was mad at. The little feline was already upset over Gray's death, and now Natsu was being mean to him on top of that. Happy was mourning and Natsu should be mourning too. His best friend was dead—he shouldn't be angry. He should be sad.

But Natsu didn't want to be sad.

He turned away and kicked shards of broken dishes across the floor angrily. "But God, how dare he be so damn selfish?" he hissed, unwilling to let go of his fury just yet. "He always hated seeing people cry, he said that he never wanted to see Erza cry again. What a hypocrite. Who's making everyone cry now? He made Lucy cry, he made Erza cry, he even made Lyon cry."

"And you," Happy interrupted in a small voice.

Natsu looked back at the Exceed with narrowed eyes, to see Happy watching him with a mixture of pity and sadness.

"What?" the dragon slayer asked, surprise temporarily draining the anger from his voice.

"You're angry because he made you cry too," Happy said gently.

"I'm not–" Natsu broke off and reached up, his fingers brushing his cheek. They came back wet. He stared in stunned fascination at the single tear sliding down his finger, watching it until it dripped to the floor.

Something inside him threatened to break, and Natsu spun away and slammed his fist into the wall again. He ignored the tears because he couldn't handle them right now. He wanted to be angry, not sad.

"I hate you, I hate you!" he screamed, his blind rage and anguish obscuring the fact that he couldn't speak directly to his best friend any longer. "How dare you do this to me? How dare you leave me alone? I need you! Damn it, I need you. How could you be such a horrible friend? How could you throw everything away and leave me? Why? Why?"

Natsu clenched his hands so hard that his nails gouged into his palms and drew forth a few tiny beads of crimson blood. He was all too aware that he was sobbing now, even if he was still furious.

"How dare you do this to me?" he whispered, his voice threatening to break. "I will never ever…" He trailed off, unable to finish voicing the sentiment. He tried again. "I will never–"

'I will never forgive you.'

With a loud cry equal parts anger and anguish, Natsu sank to the floor and buried his face in his hands. He couldn't say it. He had the horrible feeling that if those words left his mouth, something irreplaceable and unbearably precious would be irrevocably destroyed.

"Natsu?" Happy asked in concern. The Exceed flew down and settled beside the dragon slayer. He threw his stubby little arms around Natsu as far as they could go. "You aren't alone."

"I hate him," Natsu said brokenly, his voice lacking heat. "I hate him."

But right now he couldn't summon up that hate, so he wrapped his arms around Happy and cried instead.