Juvia (Bargaining)

The rain hadn't stopped since Gray-sama died. He was the one who had stopped Juvia's rain and now that he was gone, there was nothing left to prevent the flood.

Juvia hadn't returned to the guild ever since that day. She had initially hidden herself away in her room at the Fairy Hills dorm to mourn, but within a few days she had realized that she had to leave. It had rained over the dormitory nonstop, and when Juvia cried she flooded the building with tears. Some of the other girls had tried talking to her and comforting her, but Juvia had decided to escape. It wasn't fair that everyone else had to live with her rain again. She would go away and keep her gloomy rain to herself.

She had found a little cottage several miles outside the city limits that she could rent with no questions asked. It was just far enough away from other houses and towns that no one else was bothered by the constant downpour. No one but her.

Now that she didn't have to worry about how her sadness was affecting everyone else, Juvia didn't have a reason to try to get better. So she sat alone in her little house and cried, and the sky cried with her.

Time had a funny way of slowing down and speeding up and twisting back and forth when you didn't have a way to keep track of it, so Juvia wasn't sure how long she had been hiding in the cottage when someone finally knocked on the door. At first she thought she had imagined it—a trick of the rain and wind. No one could be there, because Gray-sama was gone. Only the rain was left.

But then the knock came again and again, rising in volume to break Juvia's solitude with a series of dull thuds.

"Juvia? I know you're in there, Juvia. Let me in."

Juvia blinked at the door owlishly, trying to wrap her head around this newest development. She staggered to her feet unsteadily and swiped her sleeve across her eyes, as if her tears could be stopped by such a simple gesture. Slowly, she moved to the door and cracked it open, peeking through the opening to see Natsu standing on the doorstep, his pink hair plastered to his head and his clothes dripping water as he stood in the rain.

"Natsu-san?" Juvia asked hesitantly, not quite able to believe her eyes. What was he doing here?

"The one and only," Natsu replied. "Are you going to let me in?"

Juvia vacillated for a moment more before pushing the door open far enough for him to enter. A flood of water immediately found the new opening and began gushing out of the cottage. She blinked at in surprise. She was so used to the rain and tears by now that she had barely noticed the rising water level inside the building. Since she hadn't ventured outside in quite some time, her flood of tears had just continued building up with nowhere to go.

Natsu cursed softly and jumped to the side of the doorway to avoid the onrush of water. Juvia glanced back at the room behind her and idly hoped that the cottage's owner wouldn't get too upset over a little water damage. She looked back at the dragon slayer.

"What is Natsu-san doing here?" she asked slowly, still trying to process what was going on. Days of grieving had left her feeling unsteady and off-kilter.

"I came to see how you were doing," Natsu answered. As the surge of water slowed to a trickle, he stepped forward again and entered the cottage, closing the door firmly behind him. Juvia backed up a few steps to give him space to enter, still watching him with a mildly bewildered expression.

"Juvia is not doing well," she said honestly. "How did Natsu-san find Juvia?"

The dragon slayer shook his head vigorously, his damp hair flopping about and spraying droplets of water everywhere. He looked down at his soaking clothes and the slowly growing puddle of water at his feet and scowled.

"Sorry, but I'm gonna dry off real fast," he said instead of answering her. Flames flared up over his entire body and then died away after a minute, leaving him dry once more. He sighed in relief and looked back at Juvia.

"How did I find you?" he repeated. "Well, it didn't take long to figure out that you left the dorms, but no one knew where you went. But then I kept hearing reports about a little patch on the outskirts of the city that has been getting nonstop rain for days even though there hasn't been a cloud in the sky. I just followed the directions and found a cabin in the middle of nowhere that's sitting right in the middle of a giant circle of constant rain."

He shrugged and glanced around. "Nice place you've got here."

"Oh," Juvia said in a small voice. "Juvia is sorry."

"Huh?" Natsu frowned slightly in confusion. "Why?"

"Juvia is sorry that she caused so much trouble and made Natsu-san search for her. And Juvia is sorry that she cannot stop the rain," she whispered, staring at the floor with downcast eyes as her tears welled up again.

"Hey, it's okay," Natsu said reassuringly, patting her on the head. "No one was mad at you. We've just been worried because you disappeared and because we know that you and Gray…" he trailed off, unsure of how to proceed.

Upon hearing her beloved's name, Juvia almost started bawling again. Silent tears ran down her face, but she kept rigid control over her crying. Normal tears were one thing, but they could all too easily turn into a flash flood if she wasn't careful.

"Juvia misses Gray-sama," she said in a low voice, wrapping her arms around herself as she rocked back and forth on her heels.

"I know, Juvia." Natsu hesitated. "But do you really think he would be happy to know that you've cut yourself off from everyone to drown yourself in sorrow because of him?"

"Juvia, it would make me happy if you were happy, alright?"

A fresh wave of tears sprung to Juvia's eyes as Natsu's words reminded her of something Gray-sama had said before his…death.

"No. Gray-sama said that he would be happy if Juvia was happy, and Juvia wants to make Gray-sama happy. But Juvia can't make Gray-sama happy anymore, so she can't be happy either!" she wailed, burying her face in her hands.

"God, he would hate that line of thinking," Natsu muttered after a moment, gently taking Juvia's arm and leading her to a raggedy old couch upholstered in a horribly outdated floral print. He grimaced slightly as they sat down and the sofa made an unpleasant squelching sound as water squeezed out of the sodden cushions. "So much for being dry," he said under his breath.

Juvia just curled up on the couch in a miserable ball and stared out at Natsu with big, tear-filled eyes.

"Look," he said with a sigh, "I know that you loved him, and it's okay to mourn. But you're going to have to move on eventually. You have a lot of other friends at Fairy Tail, and they're all worried about you. Your happiness shouldn't only depend on Gray; he wouldn't be pleased with that. Ever since you've joined the guild your life has mostly revolved around Gray, so of course you're hit hard by all this. But really, you're going to have to find something else to dedicate yourself to—something else to live for. Gray was an amazing person, but you shouldn't base your entire life off him. You're still your own person, you know. You're strong. It'll take some time, but you'll eventually be able to work past this, okay?"

"Gray-sama said that too," she interrupted, barely hearing Natsu's last words. "But Juvia doesn't know how, because she loves Gray-sama. Juvia wanted to have the chance to make Gray-sama happy and win him over so that he would love her too. But now she can't, because he is gone."

Juvia hiccupped painfully as she began bawling again, barely managing to rein in the waiting flood at the last moment. She hugged herself tightly and buried her face in the couch. Beside her, Natsu shifted uncomfortably. There was a pregnant pause as he internally debated what to say next.

"He loved you too," he said after a long moment of silence.

Juvia looked back up at him. His eyes were conflicted and a muscle in his jaw twitched, but she didn't need these outward signs to tell her what she already knew. She stared at him solemnly.

"No, Gray-sama did not love Juvia," she said quietly, her voice certain and firm. "Juvia knows this. Gray-sama told her this many times, but Juvia kept trying. He was kind to tolerate Juvia's unwanted advances. Juvia had hoped that Gray-sama would love her someday, but now it's too late. But it doesn't matter that Gray-sama didn't love Juvia, because Juvia still loves him."

Natsu blinked at her in surprise, clearly not expecting such a straightforward admission. He opened and closed his mouth uselessly a few times before sighing and running a hand through his hair.

"Yes and no," he said finally. "No, he didn't love you the way you wanted him to, but he still loved you as a friend. He loved you the same way he loved Erza and Cana and Lucy and everyone else in the guild. That kind of love is important too."

Juvia let out a loud sob and made to hide her face in the couch again, but Natsu's arm snaked out and hooked around her, pulling her close so that she could cry on him instead. She stiffened and hesitated for a moment, but then gave in and curled against him.

"Maybe he didn't love you romantically, but he still obviously cared about you," he continued. "He left me a letter, and he asked me to check up on you and make sure that you found a way to move on and eventually be happy without him." Natsu hesitated again, and Juvia looked up at him. Indecision was written all over his face as he seemed to consider whether or not he should add something else.

"He said…Well, he said that he felt kind of bad about not being able to love you the way you love him. I think that it bothered him that your feelings were unrequited, so he tried to make himself love you so that you would be happy. He cared about you enough to try, and when he couldn't do it, he felt bad. I mean, you really can't just force things like that, but I think he felt like he failed you because he couldn't do it."

Juvia wailed loudly and started crying even harder. "Gray-sama didn't fail Juvia!" she insisted in a broken voice. "Gray-sama made Juvia happy."

"Yeah." She could feel the dragon slayer absently rubbing comforting circles on her back as he responded in a low voice. "He made a lot of people happy. And now he's gone and made a lot of people sad. That's the thing about people, isn't it? They aren't all good or all bad. They make mistakes and they aren't perfect."

"Gray-sama was," Juvia said with a sniff.

"No, Juvia," Natsu said gently, "he wasn't."

She looked up at him, scandalized. He noticed the indignant look in her eyes and shook his head.

"Just because he's dead doesn't mean that he's suddenly a saint," he said bluntly. "I know that he could do no wrong in your eyes, and I think that that's part of the problem. He was never perfect, Juvia. He made mistakes, even mistakes that cost people their lives. There were times when he gave in to his anger and took out his pain on other people, even if he didn't necessarily mean to. He hurt other people, and he was always haunted by a grief-filled past that he couldn't outrun.

"But it's also true that he was a damn good friend. He cared so much for his friends that he would do just about anything for us. He was always the first to defend us when someone did us wrong, he always tried to find a way to stop our tears because he hated to see us cry, he would drop everything to help us if we needed it, and he never asked for anything in return. He saw through Erza's armor and tried to stop her from crying the way he had, he looked out for Cana when she got herself into trouble, he tried to make Lucy feel more confident in herself, and he even stopped your rain, didn't he?"

Natsu looked down at her with serious eyes, and Juvia found herself unable to speak.

"He wasn't perfect, but his flaws didn't stop him from being a good person and a good friend. In fact, I think they made him a better person. It's because he struggled with his own problems and failings that he was so willing to help us deal with our own. It made him more human, more relatable. Maybe that makes him even more impressive—that he was so far from perfect but we still thought of him as somehow superhuman anyway.

"Juvia, you're mourning a person who never even existed. You need to let go of your idealized version of him and see him for who he really was. That shouldn't make you mourn him any less. In fact, it might make you mourn him even more, if you can see past your fantasies and see the real man behind them. I don't doubt that you really loved—love—him, but it's okay to admit that he wasn't perfect either. He still deserves to be loved, even without that. He didn't need to be perfect to be important."

Juvia bit her lip and bowed her head. Natsu's words rang true, even if she didn't want to look at them too closely. Gray-sama had been everything to her, and because he had been everything, she had needed him to be perfect in a way that she could never be. She could reluctantly admit that she had glossed over his flaws and placed him on a pedestal that he had never wanted to stand on.

She wondered idly if this was what he had been trying to tell her when he had comforted her a few days before the battle with the demon. As Natsu had said, no one person could always make everyone happy. Juvia thought that perhaps Gray had been dancing around that point when he tried to make her understand that she should find her happiness in other places besides him. Logically, she knew this, but her heart was a different matter.

Even if Gray-sama hadn't been perfect, he had been perfect in her eyes—perfect for her. He had made her happy and chased away her rain, and in return, she had tried to give herself to him. Perhaps what he had been trying to make her realize was that she had given too much of herself to him, until she could no longer stand on her own without his help. It might have bothered him, but Juvia couldn't regret it. She would have given him even more if she could.

But now that he was gone, he had taken too much of Juvia with him, and she didn't know how to gather up what little remained. She had given him so much, and even though he had desperately tried to give it back, she hadn't been able to take it. Now it was too late.

No, Juvia didn't regret giving herself to him, but she didn't know how to live on her own now that both he and those pieces of herself were gone. They were gone, and they left only a shattered, empty shell in their wake.

"Juvia understands," she whispered miserably, "but she cannot let Gray-sama go. Juvia does not know how to live without Gray-sama."

"Well, no one ever said it would be easy," Natsu remarked, fixing her with a smoldering stare. "Do you think it's easy for Erza to let go of him and learn to live without him? Or Lucy? Or…me?" He let out a breath and shook his head. "Gray was a big part of all of our lives, and we're all going to have to figure out a new way to live that doesn't include him anymore.

"I know that it will probably be even harder for you than it is for most of us, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up. We all need to find a way to recover from this and move on with life. Do you understand, Juvia? You aren't alone. We can help each other. Fairy Tail is your family now, your nakama, and you belong with us. Nakama works together and stands together. Sitting by yourself in the rain isn't going to help you any. Come back to Fairy Tail so that we can all lean on each other and help each other."

Juvia's eyes filled with tears again. She had given most of herself to Gray-sama and kept the leftover fragments for herself, but she had also given a piece of herself to Fairy Tail. The guild had welcomed her and accepted her even after everything she had done as a member of Phantom Lord, and they had claimed her as their own. She had made friends and a new life for herself, and part of her would always belong with Fairy Tail. Fairy Tail had meant Gray, but it had also meant all the other people she had grown to love. Maybe, just maybe, she had given them enough of herself that they could help her piece herself back together again.

She looked around the dingy little cottage she had lived in for the past several days but had never been able to call home, and realized that she wouldn't miss it. It was a house, but she had never belonged in it. It could never have been home. Home was Gray-sama, and she would never be able to feel that warmth with him again. But home was also Fairy Tail, and she could still return there. It would never be the same, but it would be something.

Natsu was still watching her, and she finally met his gaze once more.

"Juvia…Juvia would like that," she whispered, tears streaming down her face.

The dragon slayer smiled at her. It wasn't a happy smile, but it was an expression of relief and sadness and gentle pride. "Good," he said, rising to his feet and stretching down his hand to her. "Let's go home."

Juvia stared at his outstretched hand for a moment before swallowing thickly and grasping it in her own. Natsu pulled her to her feet and offered her a crooked grin. It was a little hesitant and uncertain about the edges, as if he wasn't quite sure that he should be smiling at all. Juvia hesitated for a moment before forcing herself to smile back. It probably wasn't a convincing smile considering the tears still cascading down her cheeks, but it was the best she could do. A relieved look entered the dragon slayer's eyes as he saw her reaction.

"See? That's a good start. It's not gonna be easy, but all we can do now is try," he told her reassuringly.

Juvia let the false smile fade. "Yes, Juvia will try," she said simply.

It was too early to tell whether trying her best would be enough to find a way to move on, but she would try because it was what Gray-sama would have wanted, and because it was what her other friends at Fairy Tail wanted. Maybe one day she would want it too.

Natsu made his way over to the front of the cottage and opened to the door, to reveal heavy sheets of rain still falling. He grimaced faintly.

"Wait," Juvia said hurriedly.

She rushed to the small coat closet and rummaged about in it until she pulled out an umbrella. She returned to where Natsu was watching her curiously from the doorway, and handed it to him.

"Here."

He nodded his thanks and stepped outside, carefully opening the umbrella and holding it over his head. Juvia hesitated a moment more, looking back into the cottage. It hadn't been home, but part of her wanted to stay here, where she could grieve and be left alone. But no, she had said that she would go back. With a sigh, she stepped out into the rain and closed the front door.

Natsu stepped up beside her and held the umbrella up so that it protected them both from the downpour. Noticing that she hadn't moved, he stood still and gave her a questioning look.

"Maybe this is a bad idea," she said uncertainly. "Gray-sama was the only one who could stop the rain, and if Juvia goes back to Fairy Tail she will bring the rain with her. Juvia cannot make the rain stop."

She bowed her head and fixed her eyes on the swampy ground. She had left the city because of the rain in the first place, and that problem hadn't been solved. If she went back now, her gloomy rain would follow. She didn't know if it would ever stop.

Natsu chuckled a little and Juvia looked back up at him in surprise. He offered her a small smile. "We want you back, Juvia, rain or no. Besides, we can help you. We'll search for a new way to stop the rain. Together."

Juvia's eyes filled with tears once again. She didn't know if her rain would ever stop now that Gray-sama was gone. She didn't know if she could find a new way to make the rain cease. But she had promised Gray-sama that she would try. It was still too early to tell whether or not she would ever be okay again, but she would try. And she would have the rest of her friends at Fairy Tail to help her every step of the way.

So even though she wanted to curl up in a ball and cry a river, she offered Natsu a watery smile.

"Juvia would like that."

Natsu didn't believe in any kind of higher power, and even if he did, it was probably still silly to try bargaining with it. But to be honest, that didn't really matter. He didn't expect Gray to magically appear alive because of any trivial bargain Natsu tried to make, but he couldn't help himself from trying anyway.

He sat cross-legged on his bed, staring absently at the well-worn letter in his hands. In the soft morning light the creases and rumpled folds from his earlier bout of anger were almost invisible, but he could still feel them when he ran his calloused fingers over the pages. Happy slumbered on a short distance away, and Natsu stayed still and quiet so as not to disturb the Exceed. He sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry I crumpled up your letter," he said softly, keeping his voice low. He didn't want Happy to wake up and see him like this. "And I'm sorry that I almost ripped it apart the other day. I know that I was really angry and said some things I didn't mean. Or didn't completely mean, anyway. They were things I shouldn't have said, and I'm sorry.

"I don't hate you, and I do forgive you. But…" He shifted restlessly. "I followed your directions to the letter. I'm doing everything you asked, and looking after everyone else. I did what you wanted, so now you owe me. You owe me."

I did everything you asked, so now you have to do what I ask. Come back. Come back, Gray.

Natsu closed his eyes and bent his body forward so that his forehead rested on top of his bedspread. He couldn't make himself say that out loud. It would sound silly and nonsensical spoken aloud. Even in his head it was still stupid. It's not like there was any way that something like that could actually happen. But he still wanted it to, and in the refuge of his mind, nonsensical things like that still held a glimmer of impossible hope. That fragile belief would be shattered by reality's clutches if he spoke it aloud, so he let it linger in the silence instead.

He sat in silence for several long minutes, before his emotions got the better of him again and refused to be contained any longer.

"I'd do anything, give anything," he burst out in a breathless whisper, "if only you'd come back. I'd stop calling you a perverted stripper and I wouldn't pick dumb fights with you. I wouldn't get mad when you made fun of my motion sickness and I'd let you pick any job you wanted, even if it was hours away by train. I'd be nice, I'd be good. Just…come back…"

It occurred to Natsu that taking away all those things would significantly alter the relationship he had shared with Gray, perhaps create only a hollow facsimile of their tempestuous but unbreakable bond. Maybe he would have to give up something else instead. Would he give up his magic? His life?

Natsu wasn't sure, but he had the sneaking suspicion that he would. And that wouldn't make him any better than Gray, really. He had been angry at Gray for doing the exact same thing, but the idea wouldn't let him go. He spoke the words aloud, tasting them, testing them, turning them over to study them more carefully.

"I'd trade places with you," he said slowly, his voice still barely above a whisper. "I'd die in your place if it meant that you'd come back."

That sounded like a good deal, a fair bargain. If there was any higher power out there to hear him, would it accept such a trade?

Natsu waited in silence with bated breath, only his soft breathing and pounding heartbeat breaking the stillness. After several long minutes of nothing, he let out his breath with a soft whoosh, feeling deflated and somehow disappointed. It wasn't like he had really expected to get zapped dead and have Gray returned, but a tiny flicker of irrational hope shriveled up and died anyway.

No amount of bargaining could bring back the dead.

Natsu sat up suddenly, eyes widening slightly. "But you aren't really dead, are you?" he breathed.

His fingers drummed an absent beat on his leg as he considered the circumstances of Gray's passing. Gray had used iced shell, which turned the caster's body to ice. Natsu knew that Gray had always believed that Ur was still alive in some sense of the word, even if Lyon hadn't. Sure, getting turned into ice had pretty much the same effects as death. It wasn't like Gray could move or speak or be with his friends, and Natsu didn't know if his friend retained any awareness at all.

But Gray had been caught by a spell that transformed him, not one that actually killed him. If any part of Gray was still alive in that ice, then wasn't there the slightest possibility that the spell could be reversed and he could be revived?

Natsu mulled it over, unwilling to admit that the possibility was nearly as ludicrous as raising the dead. If iced shell could be so easily reversed then Gray or Lyon would have figured it out years ago in order to save their master. Natsu didn't doubt that they had searched long and hard for a means to reverse the spell, and they had failed.

"But I could do it," he muttered defiantly. "If I hunt down all the best mages and ask them, read all the ancient books of magic I can get my hands on, then maybe I can find it." He sensed another desperate bargain coming on. "Let me find a way to reverse the spell. I won't sleep until I track down every possibility. I'll travel as far as I need to in order to find it, even by train. I'll finish fulfilling your last requests and even make up with Jii-chan like you wanted. Please…Isn't that enough?"

A heavy silence fell over the room once more, broken only by Natsu's panting breaths. Wasn't anything he could do enough? Deep down he knew that there was nothing he could do, but he didn't want to acknowledge that yet. He hadn't been able to stop Gray from using iced shell, but surely there must be something—anything—he could do now to fix the problem.

There was a slight rustling and shifting sound, and Natsu looked over to see Happy stirring. The Exceed sleepily rubbed his eyes with his paws, and then peered over at the dragon slayer blearily.

"Natsu? You're awake?"

"Yep, I'm up," Natsu replied, trying and failing to sound adequately cheerful. He surreptitiously slid the letter into his pocket. Happy would worry if he saw that Natsu was looking at it again.

Happy blinked at him warily, gauging his mood. Natsu couldn't really blame him. His moods had been rather erratic lately, and it only made sense that Happy would want to know what he would have to deal with today.

"Do you want to go to the guild today?" Happy asked cautiously.

Natsu considered it. He didn't really want to, but Gray would want him to. If he did what Gray wanted, then maybe…maybe something would happen. Maybe if he went to the guild today…

He couldn't finish that thought, unsure of what exactly he was hoping for. But hoping he was. It was a small, fragile, silly hope that he knew he should really smother before it got out of hand, but he couldn't bring himself to let it go just yet.

"Yeah," he said after a moment. "Let's go to the guild."

A cautious hope flared in Happy's eyes. "Do you want to get some breakfast first?" the Exceed questioned, carefully testing the limits of Natsu's newfound cooperation.

The dragon slayer's appetite had been sporadic and unreliable the past couple weeks, and Natsu knew that it worried Happy. Natsu wasn't particularly hungry at the moment, but Gray would want him to eat like normal and stop with the erratic eating and skipped meals. Maybe if he ate…

"Sure," he said. "That sounds good."

Happy looked surprised and then pleased as he followed the dragon slayer into the kitchen. "How are you feeling today?" the little cat asked, his tone cautiously optimistic.

Natsu looked over at him and saw the tentative hope and relief slowly creeping into his eyes. Gray would want him to comfort Happy and make him feel better instead of scaring him more. Maybe if he comforted Happy…

Natsu opened his mouth to say that he was fine, before quickly amending his statement. The word 'fine' had lost much of its credibility with Happy over the past weeks.

"Alright," he said instead. "Really alright. It feels like it might be a good day."

It wasn't a complete lie. That crazy, fragile hope was building up inside him. If he just said the right things and did the right things, then maybe today would be a good day.

Pure relief washed over Happy's features. "Good. That's good."

The little Exceed made small talk as they cooked breakfast, lacing his words with hesitant jokes and humorous statements. Natsu knew that he was really just testing the waters. Small talk, and all talk, really, had been scarce since Gray's death, and humor even more so. The dragon slayer hadn't much felt like talking and he didn't particularly want to talk now. But Gray would want him to start talking again and be able to see the humor in things once more. Maybe if he talked, maybe if he laughed…

So Natsu held up his side of the conversation, even though he was only half paying attention. His real focus was on all the things he should do—all the things Gray would want him to do—during the rest of the day.

Gray would want him to take care of their friends and talk with them. He would want Natsu to laugh and smile. He would want Natsu to be okay, to be happy.

Maybe if Natsu was strong for his friends, maybe if he could smile, maybe if he could find a way to be happy again…

"Natsu?"

The dragon slayer looked back over at the little blue feline beside him. Happy's eyes had taken on a slightly worried glint again, and Natsu realized that he must have missed some key conversational cue.

"Are you okay?"

Maybe if he was okay…

Natsu smiled over at Happy. It looked like a genuine, peaceful smile, but that sereneness was only a thin layer covering what lay hidden underneath. It was a paper-thin veneer that was cracking and curling up at the edges, threatening to expose the raw grief and pain and loneliness that it was desperately trying to conceal. It was Natsu's 'maybe' smile.

Maybe if he could just hold onto some small happiness—some small hope, no matter how irrational or fragile it might be—he could escape the hopelessness and the knowledge that he had no control over his best friend's fate, regardless of what he might offer or give up.

Maybe if he could just…

Maybe if…

Maybe…

Maybe not.