Makarov (Depression)
Makarov was considering retreating to his office again. He had been sitting out in the guild hall with his brats for a good portion of the day, but it was rather depressing. The guild wasn't quite as silent and numb as it had been immediately after Gray's death, of course. Things were slowly starting to get back some semblance of normalcy—people were talking and going on jobs and sometimes even laughing—but there was still a shadow hanging over the guild that everyone was too afraid to acknowledge. Even after all these months, something still felt off.
That feeling of wrongness bothered Makarov even more than the blame and anger his brats had directed towards him after they found out that he had played a key role in Gray's demise. He could accept the fury and blame because he knew that they were justified, even if they had gradually begun to fade away over time. The other guild members had grudgingly come to understand his motivations and had begun to forgive him as they realized that he was hurting and remorseful as well. There were still a few that held on to that feeling of betrayal and anger, but Makarov couldn't blame them for it. He still felt that way towards himself most of the time.
No, it wasn't the wrath of his guild that bothered him. It was that knowledge that nothing would ever be quite the same again. Even as people began picking up where they left off in their daily lives, even as the guild began recovering and settling back into equilibrium, things were different. There were no more impromptu brawls or thrown insults raging across the guild hall between Gray and Natsu. There were no more teasing reminders for Gray to look down and find his clothes again. There was a hole, a Gray-sized hole, in the guild now, and Makarov knew it was his fault that it was there.
Things were different now, even if everyone tried to pretend that they weren't. Gray's absence and the knowledge of his death were terrible enough, and the underlying grief hidden beneath everyone's smiles was heartbreaking. Everyone was pretending as if everything was normal, but that undercurrent of misery was still there, as well as a simmering resentment and anger. Those were directed at him, of course. He wasn't sure that his brats would ever quite trust him again. In their place, he would probably feel the same.
He had considered stepping down as guildmaster, but he hadn't been able to do it. It wasn't only because Gray had asked him to take care of Fairy Tail, but also because he knew that the guild couldn't survive another major upheaval right now. He might be a traitorous guildmaster, but he was still the only guildmaster Fairy Tail had. He couldn't walk away and watch them implode—he had already hurt them enough. So Makarov had stayed and tried to help in any way he could, but he was apprehensive of the future.
Most of the overt hostility had died down—although he could still catch glimpses of it now and then and occasionally someone would snap and verbally attack him again—but the sense of mistrust and resentment still lingered. The guild members had distanced themselves from him, and Makarov wasn't sure how he could get them back. He wasn't sure he deserved to get them back.
He was pleased that the rest of the guild members were starting to recover, but he couldn't quite let go of the fact that he had completely failed one of them in a most terrible and permanent way. He hadn't only failed to protect Gray, but he had sacrificed him as well. He couldn't regret that the rest of his children had been saved because of the backup plan he had crafted, but he still felt horrible about what he had asked Gray to do. And it seemed that in losing one brat, he had lost them all.
He let out a breath and slid off the bench. It was all too much for him at the moment. He couldn't sit here and watch his brats right now, because all he could see was the one that was missing.
"Jii-chan?"
Makarov spun around, startled, and found himself face-to-face with Natsu. He immediately felt his heart sink as he stared at the dragon slayer's unreadable expression. In some ways Natsu had seemed to recover more quickly than the other guild members, and Makarov had heard rumors that he had even been feeling well enough to seek out and comfort those who were hardest hit by Gray's death.
But Natsu had never even come close to forgiving Makarov, and it hurt the master a little, even if he understood it. The dragon slayer had never come straight out and accused Makarov of anything, but he had barely spoken a handful of words to him since the battle. His angry glares had gradually subsided to impassive stares, but Makarov wasn't sure that that was much of an improvement. Despite all the fighting Natsu and Gray had done, Makarov knew that they had been best friends, and the dragon slayer couldn't understand how anyone could have asked his friend to sacrifice himself.
"Can I–can I do something for you, Natsu?" Fairy Tail's master asked hesitantly, unsure of what he was getting himself into.
He had missed Natsu terribly and was aching to finally talk to him again, but he was also afraid of what the dragon slayer would have to say. Natsu hadn't seen the need to initiate contact with him in the months since Gray's death, and Makarov was at a loss as to why he wanted to talk now.
"I need to talk to you."
Makarov studied Natsu's face and analyzed his voice to look for any clues as to what the dragon slayer was thinking, but everything about Natsu was carefully controlled and unreadable. Natsu's tone was flat and disinterested, and his eyes were kept steady and hooded. Makarov had no idea what was going through the dragon slayer's mind and it worried him, especially because this wasn't very Natsu-like behavior.
He cleared his throat nervously. "Okay. Let's go to my office," he suggested, his voice rising slightly at the end of his statement to make it sound like more of an uncertain question.
Natsu just nodded, his face still expressionless, and silently followed Makarov up the stairs and into his office. Makarov closed the door behind them with a quiet click and sat down behind his desk, gesturing for the dragon slayer to pull up a chair. Natsu did so, sitting and staring Makarov down with that frighteningly incomprehensible expression.
There were a few tense moments of heavy silence before Makarov swallowed nervously again. "What did you want to say, Natsu?"
The dragon slayer remained silent for a moment longer before exhaling loudly and leaning back in the chair. His cool gaze locked onto Makarov's face.
"I'm still mad," he said finally, his voice cold.
Makarov bowed his head. "You have every right to be," he murmured softly.
"I do," Natsu confirmed flatly. "I understand your reasoning and motivation. I understand that Gray would have been an idiot and used that spell whether or not you asked him to. I understand that this isn't all your fault. And yet…" He shook his head and looked away, his eyes narrowed. "I'm still mad."
Makarov's heart twisted at the words, and he winced slightly. "I'm sorry, Natsu."
"I don't want your apologies," Natsu said harshly. "They don't do me any good. They don't do Gray any good."
Makarov let out a shaky breath, pain stabbing at his heart. He knew that his apologies weren't enough, but they were all he had left to offer now.
"But I'm not here to yell at you or blame you now," the dragon slayer continued, before Makarov could come up with something else to say.
Fairy Tail's master looked up in surprise and peered at Natsu with questioning eyes. "Why are you here?" he asked quietly.
Natsu didn't respond immediately. He absently tapped his fingers in a steady rhythm on his leg, and frowned at the desk with a thoughtful and troubled expression. Finally, he glanced at Makarov again.
"I was talking to Happy a few days ago," he said eventually, the corners of his lips twitching downwards at some unpleasant memory. "One of the things he said was 'All of us feel a little guilty about something'. It made me think, and I came to the conclusion that that statement probably applies to you even more than anyone else, doesn't it?"
Makarov felt his breath catch as he stared at Natsu with wide eyes. "Yeah…I guess it does," he said after a moment, his fingers curling convulsively into fists.
Natsu watched him impassively for a few seconds longer before finally sighing and running a hand through his hair. His guardedness seemed to melt away a little, and although Makarov still found his expression difficult to decipher, he could sense a weariness and sadness behind it.
"To be honest, that alone probably wouldn't have been enough to convince me to come speak to you. But…this is something that I've been putting off for a long time."
Makarov blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?" he asked, puzzled.
"I mean that letter you gave me from Gray asked me to do a few things."
Makarov's eyes widened again. He glanced guiltily down at one of his desk drawers, resolving to take care of the other issue at hand as soon as Natsu left. Then he turned his attention back to the dragon slayer, his heart in his throat as he waited to hear what Gray had asked his friend to do for him.
"He asked me to check up on a few people, to talk to them and make sure that they were doing alright. I've already talked to all but one." Natsu fixed Makarov with a steady gaze. "This is the last step. I put off talking to you until the very end because I knew I wasn't ready to have any sort of understanding conversation with you. But I've talked to everyone else, so it's time that I finish this."
The master's eyes slowly filled with tears, and for a moment he couldn't make himself speak. "He–He asked you to…talk to me?" he finally managed to choke out.
Natsu nodded in confirmation. "He said he was worried about how guilty you would feel if he…died. What was it he said?" Natsu's lips twitched upwards in a bitter imitation of a smile, and he seemed to recite the next words from memory. "He said that he didn't want you to 'drown yourself in guilt', because he didn't think that you should 'have to do that because of him'." Natsu scowled at the floor. "And he asked me to forgive you. I'm still working on that part."
He paused again and frowned slightly, his bitterness suddenly melting away into a tired resignation. "Or…I guess I've almost forgiven you," he said slowly, seeming to test the words as he said them. "I've forgiven you, but I still don't know what to think of you, because the Jii-chan I thought I knew could never have done something like that. I just…I don't know. I guess I still need some more time to work out what I feel about you now."
Makarov folded his hands in his lap and studied them carefully so that he didn't have to meet Natsu's gaze. "That's understandable. It's a choice that I couldn't have made under normal circumstances, and it is something that I will have to come to terms with as well. But…thank you. For at least trying to forgive me."
The dragon slayer snorted softly. "Yeah, well. You're still Jii-chan. I can't overlook what you did to Gray, but I can't ignore all the good things you've done for us before this mess either. I suppose I have to take the good with the bad, even if I don't really want to. But regardless, it isn't my forgiveness that you need, is it?"
The older mage glanced up before he could help himself, and found himself staring directly into Natsu's smoldering eyes.
"It's yours."
Makarov let out a shaky breath. Yes, it was his own forgiveness that he needed above all else, because even after all these months, he still hadn't been able to come to terms with what he had been forced to do. He was a little surprised that Natsu had picked up on that though. Between Gray's steady determination to do whatever was best for the guild regardless of the cost to himself and Natsu's sudden maturity…Makarov wondered when his brats had grown up.
"Perhaps," he said finally. "But having your forgiveness still means a lot."
"Well, it's what Gray wanted too, anyway. He was very concerned about how you would deal with the aftermath. That's why he wanted me to talk to you. But in order to have a genuine conversation with you that might help you let go of some of your guilt, I had to find a way to forgive you first. It wouldn't work otherwise, would it?
"So I've been working on it these past weeks, and I didn't come to you until I was in a better place with…all this. I can't quite let go of everything yet and I'm still angry, but I'm trying. And even though I don't agree with what you did to Gray, I can at least accept your reasoning. So. I'm here to tell you that I can't hate you anymore. I have to forgive you because you're still Jii-chan, and I know that what happened isn't entirely your fault. I don't…I don't really blame you anymore. Not for everything, anyway. And I know that Gray didn't blame you either, and he didn't want you to keep blaming yourself and feeling guilty about everything."
Makarov felt a solitary tear slide down one wizened cheek and he hurriedly brushed it away. "Thank you, Natsu. I know that this isn't easy for you either. And…I really am sorry about how things turned out. Gray deserved better than that. If there had been any other way…I promise that I considered every possible solution I could think of and did everything in my power to prevent us from needing to rely on that damn backup plan, but it wasn't enough. My plan may have saved Fairy Tail, but I am well aware that I had to sacrifice one of my children to do that. I didn't make that decision lightly. I should have been able to protect you all, including Gray. I failed, and I failed Gray. I'm sorry for that."
Natsu's gaze drifted away again, and he played with the sleeve of his shirt absently. "Gray wouldn't want you to think like that," he said quietly. "Like I said, he didn't want you to blame yourself."
Makarov sighed heavily. "I know." He hesitated a moment before forging on. "He came to talk to me the day before we fought the demon. He told me pretty much the same thing. He didn't want me to blame myself because iced shell was something he would do regardless of whether or not I asked him to, if he thought it was necessary. Mind you, he understood that that guilt wouldn't be easy to let go of because he had his own past that he had trouble forgiving himself for, and perhaps that is why he still felt it prudent to ask you to check up on me."
He stared sightlessly at the desk in front of him, recalling that last conversation with the ice mage. Gray had also warned him that he couldn't fall apart because of the guilt he would bear, because he would still need to help rebuild Fairy Tail after the catastrophe. His eyes filled with tears as he remembered how Gray had told him about how much he and Fairy Tail had helped him move on with his life after he faced personal crises of his own. Gray had seemed so grateful, and Makarov had repaid that gratitude by bringing about his death.
"He seemed…Well, he seemed very calm and collected. He wasn't upset or angry or scared, and I remember wondering how he could be so…ready. He seemed so okay with it, you know? Even when I first asked him about the backup plan, he didn't seem bothered. But…"
A few more tears dripped silently down his face and his voice faltered. "But when he was casting iced shell and you were trying to break down his wall…Well, all those things you were saying about that conversation you had with him…It sounded like he was a lot more upset than he ever let on to me, and I can't believe that I didn't notice. I can't believe that I put him through that. And looking back, I have to wonder if he was really so calm the last time we talked, or if he was just hiding how unhappy he was for my sake. It's bad enough knowing that I asked him to die when he was okay with it, but knowing that he was so much more unhappy than I thought…"
Makarov trailed off and bowed his head again, his tears coming even harder and faster. Listening to Natsu trying to convince Gray not to go through with iced shell had been one of the most devastating things he had ever experienced. Just hearing the things that Gray had told Natsu, hearing how upset and desolate the ice mage had been…
It made Makarov's heart break just thinking about how much pain he had brought Gray. He hadn't only brought about the ice mage's death, but he had also caused him unimaginable emotional anguish. He didn't know what Gray's state of mind had been in the days leading up to his death, considering that the ice mage had hidden his true emotions from everyone except, perhaps, from Natsu that one night. But it seemed like Gray had been more conflicted and upset than he had wanted them to believe, and Makarov ached at the thought that Gray had tried to hide his own anguish just so that they would be spared some of that pain.
Across from him, Natsu let out a shaky breath. Makarov studied the dragon slayer's face and noticed that there was a hint of pain in his eyes now.
"I guess we'll never know what exactly he was thinking or feeling," Natsu remarked in a low voice. "He was damn upset when I talked to him that one night, which I have to think is the same night you broke the idea of this backup plan to him. But you and I aren't the only ones he made sure to talk to before the fight."
Makarov blinked in surprise. This was the first he had heard of it. He opened his mouth to question Natsu further, but the dragon slayer continued right on.
"I know that he at least talked to Lucy, Erza, Juvia, and Cana as well. All of them got the same impression you did—that he was happy enough. And who knows? Maybe he did come to terms with it in the end. He may have been more upset than he let on, but I doubt he was as unhappy as he was when I talked to him. He seemed to have at least gotten over some of that.
"But…that talk is one of the other reasons I had to at least try to forgive you. I knew he was hurting. We even talked about iced shell and backup plans and his role on our team. I should have–I should have realized that something else was wrong, and I should have been able to convince him not to do something so stupid. But I failed in that regard, so it seems hypocritical to just blame you when I should have been able to do something about it too."
Natsu's hands clenched into fists and he lowered his head to stare at the floor, but not before Makarov saw the guilt and anguish that had settled in his eyes. He felt his own heart clench in response as he realized that Natsu was also blaming himself for at least part of what had happened. He had thought that the dragon slayer had recovered more quickly than the other brats, but he was starting to get the feeling that Natsu was hurting a lot more than he let on. Just like Gray had been. Makarov couldn't bear to see another of his brats hurting like that because of what he had done.
"You shouldn't be blaming yourself for anything. Gray and I must take full responsibility for the choices we made. There was no way you could have known what we were planning. And honestly, do you really think Gray would want you to blame yourself any more than he wanted me to blame myself? He cared about you a lot, and he wouldn't want to see you drowning yourself in guilt over something that isn't even your fault." Makarov's eyes filled with tears again. "You can–you can blame me," he said, his voice breaking, "but don't blame yourself."
Natsu looked back at him, and his eyes were shimmering with moisture now as well. "It's not–it's not that easy to just forgive yourself for things, is it? It can be hard to forgive other people, but it's so much harder to forgive yourself. I can't–I can't believe that Gray lived like that all of his life. I don't know how he lived with so much guilt for so long.
"And…I think that's why he was so worried about us, because he didn't want us to go through the same thing. So that's the other reason I came here today. Because no matter how betrayed I felt when I found out you asked Gray to sacrifice himself, I still love you too much to want to see you suffer like this. Whatever guilt I'm feeling…I can't imagine that it even compares to yours."
The tears had begun leaking from Natsu's eyes now, but he didn't bother brushing them away. Instead, he launched himself across the desk between them, and threw his arms around the older mage. Makarov stiffened in surprise at the contact, but then hugged Natsu back, his heart twisting painfully.
"So I'm sorry that I blamed you and wouldn't speak to you. I mean…part of me is still upset and it'll take me a while to let go of that, but I'm trying. Gray forgave you, and I forgive you too. I forgive you."
Makarov's breath was coming in shuddering gasps now as he tightened his grip on Natsu. He knew that he had been longing for forgiveness, from Natsu especially, but he hadn't realized exactly how much he had needed it. Hearing that Natsu forgave him, and being reminded that Gray had as well, seemed to lift a huge weight off his chest. He was still devastated and racked with guilt, but Natsu's words had brought him some comfort.
He idly wondered whether Natsu needed something like that as well. It seemed that the dragon slayer was blaming himself for things as well, but he didn't have anyone to earn forgiveness from. Even though he was feeling guilty, he would know that no one else would see it that way, so no one else would be able to forgive him for something that they never even blamed him for. Would no one be able to lift that weight like he had done for Makarov?
"Thank you, Natsu," the guild master choked out. "And…There really isn't anything that you should feel guilty about. You didn't do anything wrong, so no one blames you for anything. But if there was anything, anything at all, that you needed forgiveness for, you know that all of us, especially Gray, would forgive you. And Gray wouldn't want you to blame yourself for something that isn't your fault. He would forgive you if you needed forgiveness. Now you just need to forgive yourself."
Natsu heaved out a shuddering laugh, his face still hidden from Makarov's view. After a moment, he pulled away and slithered back across the desk's surface. He stood up and stared down at the master for several long moments.
"Yeah," he said finally. He turned and walked to the door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "You know, we've all been so horrified by what you asked Gray to do, so shocked that you could do something so cruel, but it goes both ways, doesn't it? I can't agree with your decision, but I know that it took a lot of guts to make that call. I know that I wouldn't have the courage to make such a difficult choice. I guess that's why you're the master and not me.
"Even if we don't agree with your choices, we can acknowledge that you have to make some difficult decisions as master. Most of us wouldn't be able to make those choices, and we sometimes forget that you have that capability since we see you more as 'Jii-chan' than as 'master'. But the truth is that you're both, right? That's why I have such a hard time reconciling your decision with the grandfather I thought I knew. You mostly act as 'Jii-chan' for us, but you can be the master when you have to.
"I understand that it can be a difficult burden. I know that you'll have to live with the decision you made, and I doubt that you'll ever be able to outrun the guilt entirely. I'm sorry for that. I can't agree with your choice, but I am sorry that you had to make it."
He twisted slightly to peer back, and Makarov was surprised by the steely determination in his eyes. "But remember this. As master of this guild, you still have a responsibility to us. I know that the guild is finally starting to recover, but it will be a while before we find a new routine, a new normal. There are still a lot of people who are hurting, and the guild is particularly fragile right now. As master, you need to stay strong so that you can support and reconstruct the guild. You see us as your children, right? You still have a responsibility to take care of us to the best of your ability. Just because you couldn't save one doesn't mean that you can give up on the rest. You can't just let yourself be eaten alive by your guilt. We still need you."
Makarov swallowed thickly, very aware of how similar Natsu's warning was to Gray's last words to him. He had known the words were true then, and he knew it now. He had failed Gray in a most terrible fashion, but he still had a guild full of brats to look after. Letting himself fall into despair would mean that he failed all the rest too, and he couldn't stomach that.
He met Natsu's gaze steadily. "I understand."
Natsu nodded, seemingly satisfied, and twisted the knob. He swung the door open and stepped out of the room. "I'm sorry, Jii-chan."
And then he was gone, the door closing firmly behind him. Makarov stared at the now-closed door thoughtfully, trying to puzzle out the meaning of that last statement. What was Natsu apologizing for? For how he had blamed and treated Makarov? For how he still couldn't let go of all his anger? For whatever it was he still felt guilty about? Or was he sorry that Makarov would have to live with the guilt? Sorry that Makarov had had to make that terrible choice?
The master sighed and shook his head. He didn't know what to make of the apology. However…
He looked down, his eyes locking on one of his desk drawers. There was still something he had to do. He pulled the drawer open gingerly and removed the letter, dropping it onto his desk. He studied it carefully. 'Jii-chan' was printed across the front of the envelope in neat lettering, although part of the 'n' was smeared, as if water had fallen onto the ink before it had fully dried.
Makarov swallowed hard. Natsu and Gray had been right—he needed to stay strong and not be consumed by his guilt. He still had responsibilities, and this was one that he had been avoiding. It was his guilt, and also his fear, that had stopped him from opening this envelope. He had managed to push it to the corners of his mind with all the other things he didn't want to face, but it was time to take responsibility and stop running.
So, with bated breath, he slit open the envelope, pulled out the letter, and began to read.
Natsu lay in his bed, the covers clutched tightly in his hands and pulled up to his chin as he stared out at the room blankly. After his talk with Jii-chan he had retreated to his room, unable to keep up the façade any longer. In the months since Gray's death he had felt many things. He had felt anger and raw anguish and searing guilt and even some fragile yet painfully unsustainable hope. Now that was all gone, drained out of him as if it had never been there at all.
Now all that was left was this hollow, empty shell, devoid of anything but a numbing sadness. The despair was crushing and stifling, making it difficult to even breath and even more impossible to move as it drained all the energy from his limbs and mind. He could barely even think straight anymore. All that was left was the knowledge that Gray was dead, and that he could have done something about it but hadn't.
The anger and the guilt would come back eventually. They had to. Anger was what kept Natsu alive and motivated, and he wouldn't be the same without it. And as for the guilt…Well, Natsu knew that he hadn't forgiven himself yet, and wasn't sure that he ever would. At this point he could barely even figure out why he felt so guilty or what he had done wrong, but he knew that the regret would be back later anyway, gnawing at his insides and whispering his failings into his ear. It would whisper his 'maybes' and wind around him and drag him down. But for now, the sadness and numbness didn't leave room for anything else, not even that insidious worm of guilt.
It was strange how he could be so devastatingly sad and yet feel nothing at the same time. How he could feel sadness and yet emptiness. He wished that he could feel something—anything—even something as terrible as guilt or raw anguish, just to know that he still existed at all. Because right now it felt like he was just an empty echo of who he once was, and he thought that that should frighten him. It would, if he wasn't so numb.
"Natsu? I made food. Will you come eat?"
Natsu was too exhausted to even lift his head to look at Happy. This crushing depression had sapped all of his strength, and even the thought of eating turned his stomach. He couldn't imagine eating anything right now, especially not fish, which is what Happy usually prepared when he decided to cook.
"Sorry, Happy," he said slowly, even the effort of talking proving to be exhausting. "I'm not hungry."
There was a pause, and Natsu took in the blessed silence. Right now he couldn't handle the intrusion of the real world into his void. He didn't have the energy to deal with it. And yet, part of him desperately longed for something to shatter the terrible stupor that had fallen over him, to reach into this void and pull him out of the lonely, still sorrow.
"You haven't eaten in three days," Happy whispered finally, fear creeping into his voice. "You need to eat."
"I can't, Happy," Natsu breathed, his words dragging out ponderously as he forced his lips to move against their will. "Not right now."
A furry blue head popped up over the side of the bed, and Happy stared at Natsu sadly. "Natsu…"
"I know," the dragon slayer muttered. "Tomorrow, okay? Right now…Right now I just want to sleep."
In fact, that's probably all he could do, considering that he couldn't seem to summon the energy to move. But even so, he had the sneaking suspicion that sleep would be a long time in coming. This void sapped his energy and strength, but it also kept him trapped in his own mind and refused to let him escape, even into the world of dreams. In any case, he could lie here, and that's all he wanted to do right now.
He knew that he would have to start taking care of himself again, and that he really shouldn't be worrying Happy any more than he already had. But it was really hard to care about much of anything when he felt so hollow and numb. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would shake off this shadow and get back to normal.
"What are you thinking, Natsu?" Happy asked, his voice heavy with concern. "What's wrong?"
What indeed. Natsu considered it, his thoughts moving about sluggishly as he tried to marshal them into some semblance of coherence. He exhaled slowly.
"It's over," he said finally, his words heavy and ugly in the stillness of the room.
Happy clambered up onto the bed and sat down, peering at Natsu's face with a mixture of curiosity and worry. "What's over?" he asked.
"All of this. Everything. I don't know," Natsu mumbled, his words jumbling together in their own languorous fashion. He hesitated, trying to put his thoughts in order, and Happy waited, sensing his internal debate.
"All of this with Gray," he continued after a long pause. "I've done everything he asked me to do in that letter. I talked to everyone he wanted me to talk to, said everything he wanted me to say. And now? Now what?"
He paused again and grimaced slightly. "It should feel good, or fulfilling at least, shouldn't it? I mean, I'm finally done. But instead it feels…empty. Like, what's left now?" He sighed. "It's stupid."
Silence settled over the room for a few seconds as Happy considered his words and thought about how to respond.
"It's not stupid," the Exceed said finally. "That letter and the tasks it asked you to do, those are the last things Gray left you. You did everything he asked so you should feel good about it since you completed the mission he left you, but it's also sad because now you've finished everything and he can't ask you to do anything else. This was the last mission from Gray, and it's a bittersweet ending because now that it's over, it's really over."
Natsu blinked at Happy uncomprehendingly for a minute before he registered the meaning of the Exceed's words and let out a soft breath. "You're a smart cat, you know," he murmured absently.
Now that his mission from Gray was over, he knew that he could never do anything on Gray's behalf again. In a way, Gray had been almost with him throughout this journey, and this had been their last job together. Almost together. And now…Now Gray was gone for good. Nothing was left.
The tasks Gray's letter had set for him had consumed Natsu for the past months. They had been unbelievably difficult because he had had to pretend to be okay when he was really falling apart, because he had had to be strong for the others like Gray had asked even though he was hurting just as much as they were. In some ways it had almost destroyed him.
On the other hand, it had also given him something to live for, a mission to focus his attention on to prevent himself from falling into his own grief and being unable to claw his way back out. It had held off this numb depression because he couldn't just sit around and mourn alone all the time when he still had other people to comfort. Now that he no longer had anything to distract him from the grief that had been slowly building within him and clawing at his insides, he was succumbing. He was succumbing, and he didn't know how to recover.
That letter had given him a set of tasks to complete, but now that all those errands were finished, Natsu didn't know where to go from here. Before he had a checklist. He knew that within the next few weeks he needed to talk to Lucy or Erza or Juvia. Now…Now the future was just a blank, a gaping black hole that didn't include Gray. It was a future where Natsu couldn't see himself and didn't know how to handle. He didn't know what to do next. There were the simple things, of course. He should go back to the guild and reform Team Natsu Minus One and go on jobs and be okay. But he couldn't see anything meaningful in the future now that his tasks were complete.
He absently wondered if that was what had brought about this aching emptiness. He had run out of jobs, run out of meaning, run out of Gray, and now there was nothing left. He didn't know where to go from here. Now that his tasks were done, all that was left was to pick up the pieces of his life, and he didn't even know where to start.
"I don't know where to go from here," he murmured after a long pause. "Now that I finished…I don't know what to do. What's left?"
Happy scooted a little closer and raised one small, furry paw to wipe away the silent tears Natsu hadn't even been aware he had been shedding. "It's hard to say, isn't it?" the little cat remarked softly. "It's hard to say where you go from here, but you must know that there are a lot of things left. The rest of Fairy Tail is left. All the rest of your friends are still here, and so am I. Gray is gone, but the rest of us are still here. Don't throw us all away because we aren't him.
"And now that you know what's left, maybe you can start figuring out what to do next. You aren't alone, Natsu. You can come back to the guild with me and we can figure out where to go from here together. You don't need to figure it out on your own. We're all still here and we all still need to find a way to move on. We can help each other. Maybe you don't know what to do right now, but we can all come together and figure that out, okay?"
Happy stared at Natsu with big, sad eyes, and the dragon slayer stared back numbly. After a moment, with a herculean effort, Natsu forced one corner of his mouth to twitch upwards in some semblance of a smile.
"Have I ever told you that you're a lot smarter than we give you credit for?" he asked quietly.
For a brief moment he felt a flicker of pride and warmth for the cat in front of him, before the void sucked it away.
Happy just blinked at him, nonplussed. "So you'll come back to the guild then?" he pressed.
Natsu sighed heavily and let his eyes drift shut. "Tomorrow, Happy. We'll go back tomorrow."
Sensing his friend's reluctance to continue the conversation, Happy simply nodded his acceptance and curled up against Natsu. Within a few minutes, the Exceed drifted off to sleep, his little blue body rising and falling rhythmically in time with his deep breathing.
Natsu wished that he could find sleep so easily. He kept his eyes closed and floated in the void, but despite his exhaustion and numbness, he couldn't fall asleep. Instead, he lay on the bed motionlessly, his mind unable to overcome the chilling sorrow. But despite the sadness, that hollow, empty feeling persisted.
As Natsu waited for sleep to finally claim him, he absently wished that he could feel something.
Note: Could I have made this into an angry confrontation with lots of angst and blaming? Sure could. Why didn't I? Because like I said, this is kind of a turning point in the story. Natsu's chapter is next and it's paired with the stage of acceptance and hope, so it's clearly going to have a (slightly)different vibe from the rest of the piece. I think that the depression snippet fits very well in this capacity, as a marker of the end of the first part and transition to the other chapter. And it's also why I decided to focus Makarov's chapter more on forgiveness than blame and anger.
I know this whole piece has had something of a nebulous timeline, but I think it's safe to say that this chapter would have to take place months after "The Backup Plan" in order for Natsu to let go of some of his anger and resentment. It's only because quite a bit of time has passed that I could even consider writing this more from the forgiveness angle, because I imagine that everyone would have been pretty darn angry with Makarov at first. But honestly, I've never considered Makarov the "villain" here. He's just a man who had to make a difficult choice that he thought was necessary to save as many of the people he cared about as he could. Maybe he made the wrong choice, and that interpretation wouldn't absolve him of guilt anyway, but I'd like to think that Fairy Tail would eventually be able to see that he isn't the enemy here. Mind you, I'm sure his relationship with everyone else would never be quite the same, but I think that they could work past some of the anger and blame eventually.
Anyway, it's just Natsu's chapter and the epilogue left now, and then I can go back to posting one-shots : ) Apologies that this is taking longer than I had anticipated, but my workload is already heavy, and classes just started again, ha ha.