Dan's mouse was right on the button to start the liveshow, when he began second-guessing.
"I don't know if I can do this...", he muttered out loud and Phil - who was behind him on the sofa - put his hand on Dan's shoulder in an encouraging way and to remind him he was there. "You can do it. It's just a matter of will and fear. But I can promise you that I won't let anything harm you. I'll be there always to defend you. It'll be fine. They are your fans-", Phil was saying. "Would you stop calling them that? I'm not a fucking superstar or shit", Dan cut him off annoyed. He didn't mean to be mean to Phil, it's just that he was quite agitated right now. After a few seconds of anger and then regret and shame, he apologized to Phil with a sigh and a shook of his head.
"I'm really sorry. I didn't meant to yell at you. You're right though. I really appreciate you being there", Dan corrected himself and turned his head around to look into Phil's loving eyes and when he came closer, he gave him a quick peck on the lips. Phil smiled at him softly and Dan clicked on the button. The spent a moment in silence to wait for the people to show up. Dan named the show "gonna explain all my shit to you".
"Hey guys! How is everyone doing? Good? Bad? It's exam season for some of you probably. Good luck with those. It's going to get better, don't worry", Dan said at first. Phil put in a little hello there too.
"Phil's here too as you can probably tell. Okay, tonight's liveshow, as you can tell from the headline, is about me trying to explain all the things and rumors that have been swirling around the internet about me. I can tell you already that you have no need to worry about me. Please, everything's alright", Dan said and chuckled nervously and shifted to the right to give more room for Phil to fill the frame. Dan wanted to just disappear for now.
"But I know a lot of people are still worrying over me or are just plain confused so I'll clear things out a bit. Phil's here, well, for moral support. And he had nothing better to do in his Phil life", Dan joked a bit. "Hey! I've got lots of things to do. I'm here just for you" Phil punched him playfully in his shoulder, but very carefully not to hurt him in any way. Knowing Dan was still pretty fragile, he could never be rough with him.
"Well, thanks Phil", Dan said and looked at the raven head lovingly. The chat was going wild. "Oh yeah, I need to announce this on Twitter and stuff too. Wait a moment. Phil, entertain them", Dan said. Phil leaned in, his hands on Dan's shoulders to support himself, as he squinted to see what people were saying in the chat.
"The Caitlyn Jenner thing? Yeah, good for her. I wish all could understand that she is a she now", Phil said. Dan continued: "Right. Everyone deserves to be themselves without being afraid of being judged. I mean, we're all different so why do we try to fit into a certain mold, a mold that is just customized by society? Society isn't even us. It's just a group of people who have power and just think about themselves and think that they are always right and people who follow them blindly, because they are too tired by their own crushed dreams to think for themselves."
"Which doesn't really bring me to my next topic of discussion, but it feels like it. So a lot of you have probably seen the pictures already from the magazine. Yes, it was me. I modeled for a few suits made by this newly comer designer L.L. They were really great. Very well done and I actually quite liked them. I even got one of the dresses from them to bring home. So I just got a call from the agency pretty abruptly and I decided to just take the offer, because, to be honest, our sink has been broken for a long time now and we could use the money to fix it. And I thought it would be a nice, new experience, which it was. I'm grateful that I got that chance", Dan told them and Phil listened beside him carefully.
"At first I didn't want Dan to do it, because I thought it would do more harm for him than good, because -. Oh, but you don't know yet", Phil was beginning to tell, but when he realised what he was saying he quickly shut his mouth and put a hand in front of his lips which turned slightly upwards.
"Yeah... Thanks Phil. Now you just made them even more confused. Don't worry. We're getting there now. Okay... Huh. I'm just gonna come out with it straightforwardly. I mean there's no reason to try and put it more subtly, you just can't", Dan started and then released a deep sigh. Phil put his hand on the brunette's knee, but the fans couldn't see that.
"I have an eating disorder. Anorexia Nervosa", he said calmly. He let there be a short pause for it to sink in.
"Don't worry too much though. I'm recovering from it. I'm getting help now and all that. It's alright, but of course it's a bumpy road. I've had it for about seven months now or something like that", Dan said and shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing.
"That's why I didn't want Dan to do the photo shoot. But in the end, I realised that Dan had handled it well, but if something was to come up, then I would right by his side and support him through it like always. He's got his close ones around him and me, you guys can trust us that we'll be there for him", Phil said and brushed Dan's neck with his hand gently and swiftly and Dan turned to look at him once again with a small smile.
"Yeah. I probably won't do modelling more though. I mean, not if I won't be good enough for them even if I gain some weight, because I'm not going to do it like this more. It's pretty sick, Phil's right about that. Right now, I just want to focus on getting better", Dan confessed. He hoped that if someone from the industry found out about this, they wouldn't take it the wrong way. But there was definitely a lot wrong with it. Or a least with a large part of it.
"Exactly", Phil agreed pressing his cheek on his shoulder. A ton of people were still commenting about that and all the other couply cuteness with them. "Only I'm going to take photos of you in revealing clothes from now on", he joked and laughed.
"Okay, but let's be serious for a moment though. All those strange things happening lately, like when I passed out on radio, that was just me not eating enough. And when I accidentally came half naked on Phil's Younow and looked sick, well I was obviously. I'm still a bit sick even though I'm getting better. It's really hard as some of you might know. But it's worth it. I'm not happy like this, no matter how I look. But guys, just don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I've got amazing people helping me through this. I almost don't want to thank them, because it sounds so cheesy, but no, of course I need to. Especially Phil here. And thank you so much for all of you who support me already. I know this a bit sudden, but let's just leave that all be. It doesn't have to affect you in any way", Dan explained and smiled wholeheartedly with a smiling Phil squeezing his knee lightly with his warm hand.
The liveshow continued in a lighter mood as they talked about nonsense and other things.
Dan couldn't have been happier and more relieved to have all of the mess cleared out. A huge weight had been lifted from his shoulder. And he had done it. He had actually done something good. But he couldn't have done it without his beautiful boyfriends help.
I mean, I've kinda expressed some of my personal opinions through this story, you might have noticed. I do not claim that Dan or Phil think so or not, but I just don't know what else to say about those things so... Just so you know.