Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!
A/N: Flashbacks are in italics
Chapter 18
"Shaaay." His mind screamed, the tube stuck in his throat not allowing for words to escape his lips. His eyes snapped wide open, nothing but horror in them…
"Kelly!" Lindsay whispered, hoping he would recognize her voice. The deafening sound of the heart monitor's alarm was adding tension to the situation, one of the nurses finally muting the device.
Kelly's eyes were wide open, but he couldn't see anything, the pain too strong to allow his brain to process the images. Was he dead? In hell?…because it sure felt that way. He couldn't….he didn't…"Always." He recognized the voice, it was Shay, whispering millions of words that meant nothing to him…but it sounded so distant, everything was so distant, as if he was stuck between two different worlds…and he already knew which one he preferred. The problem was he couldn't go there, he couldn't move. The tightness in his chest was getting stronger, his lungs filling up with air without him breathing…He began fighting breathing against the tube that was blocking his mouth and throat…he wanted to scream, no sound escaping his lips.
"Lieutenant Severide…"
"Sev…" Casey had never heard his own voice so week, pleading.
"You're in a hospital…You need to calm down."
"Please…Kelly…We're here…" Erin uttered, afraid to touch him, scared she might frighten him even further.
"We're…here." Matt repeated, battling his own agitation, hating it that his legs were too unstable for him to get up from the wheelchair and do something. "It's over…it's…over."
Kelly couldn't understand what they were saying, flashbacks mixing up with the images of his friends and enemies. "Be there for each other!" Shay smiled, one hand resting on the front of the ambo, her hair gathered in a ponytail. "I love you." She was at his bedside after the neck surgery, happy to see his blue eyes. "Yeah. Always." The image disappeared, his mind taking him back to the warehouse, Shay lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood.
"Sev!" Matt raised his voice, powerless…
"Always…" Erin uttered, reminding him of the promise she had made a few months back, her face twisting in a painful grimace.
"Always." Kelly rolled his eyes in the direction of the voice, letting them close once again when he didn't see the blonde he expected to be there…
"Lieutenant Severide, can you hear me?"
"I need you to open your eyes for me." Erin demanded, her voice shaky, betraying her emotions.
"C'mon, Severide…" Matt huffed in frustration. "You think he's even gonna fight?" He shook off the image of Hadley, laughing at his face…
Kelly lifted his eyelids, the blank expression in his eyes frightening the people around him.
"Lieutenant, I need you to blink once if you can hear me." The ECMO specialist, Doctor Rowan, instructed, Doctor Andreas standing next to her.
Sighs of relief escaped everyone's lips when Kelly slowly close his eyes, reopening them immediately after.
"Good." Andreas praised, still unhappy with his patient's fast heart rate. "You're in a hospital. I need you to calm down now…your friends are here, there's nothing to be afraid of."
"It's okay." Casey uttered, more for his own reassurance than for his friend's. He felt Lindsay's palm rest on his shoulder, grateful for the small gesture of support. He was trying to stay strong for Severide…
Kelly wanted to calm down, he really did, so he let his eyes dart around the room for a couple of seconds, but the faces, the memories, the sight of his blood entering a machine…his mind was unable to process all the images and voices in his head. "My name's…"
"Lieutenant, I want you to stop fighting the ventilator and listen to me, okay?"
A blink…
"You've suffered a severe head injury and lung failure. The tube in your throat has to stay there for now, okay?"
Kelly blinked again, finding it hard to focus. All he wanted was to return into the darkness…the pain free, quiet darkness…
"The ventilator couldn't supply you with enough oxygen on its own so we had to use an artificial lung to do the job. But your lungs are healing and we are going to stop the support of the machine and see if the oxygenation from the ventilator alone would be sufficient." Andreas explained briefly.
"We're giving you a paralytic agent, that's why you can't move, nothing to be scared of. I know you're in a lot of pain, but I need you awake for the procedure. When it's over, we'll increase the dose of painkillers and you're going to feel a lot better." Doctor Rowan added, her experience and the expression on Kelly's face telling her he was not following their explanation.
"You're going to be okay…" Erin reassured him, unsuccessfully trying to meet his petrified eyes.
"Lieutenant, I'm going to ask you a few questions now. I want you to blink once for yes, alright?"
A blink.
"Is your full name Kelly Severide?"
A blink
"Do you know who these people are?" Doctor Rowan pointed first Matt and then Erin.
Kelly glanced at Casey before giving a positive answer.
"Okay. I want you to blink once when I say her real name."
"My name's…"
"Gabriella…Leslie…Shay."
The tears welling in Kelly eyes finally rolled down his cheek, Casey cursing them for causing his friend unnecessarily pain.
"Lindsay." The Doctor paused, getting no response. For Erin, it felt as if time had just stopped…
"My name's Erin."
"Erin." Matt bellowed.
The Detective exhaled in relief when Kelly blinked. "That's right, Kel…It's Erin." A small smile lit her face.
"What about this guy's?" Doctor Andreas pointed Matt with his head. "Judging by how worried he is, you two must be like brothers."
"Is his name Mike?"
No response.
"Matthew?"
"Hey Kelly, I've made a new friend." The image of Andy Darden flashed in front of his eyes, Casey on Andy's left side, the three of them getting ready for their first day at the Academy. "His name's…"
"Lieutenant, is his name Matthew?"
Kelly didn't respond, everything in front of his eyes getting blurry, his mind playing sick jokes with him.
"Matt?"
"His name's…" Kelly was frantically looking for the correct name in his memory, but couldn't find it. He was sure he knew it…the face was so familiar, the voice….
"C'mon." Casey murmured louder than he intended to.
"Casey?" Andreas tried again.
But Kelly just gave up, a new wave of tears coming over him. He fixed his eyes on the blonde Lieutenant in the wheelchair, overwhelmed by the feeling that it was his fault, his eyes begging for forgiveness…
"Lieutenant, it's okay! Just calm down!" Doctor Rowan urged, her patient's heart rate and pulse going up again.
Grabbing the edges of the wheelchair, Matt pushed himself upright. He used the bed to support his weight, making sure Kelly could see him. "It's Matthew, Matt, Casey and…and this is temporarily." Casey said in a soft tone, referring to the wheelchair. "I'll be just fine…and you're going to remember everything. It takes time, but…we're going to recover…and put everything…behind. I can't…do it without…you! "Matt placed his hand on top of Kelly's…Severide's skin felt warm…almost too warm.
Kelly blinked once, then again…and again, as if trying to say something.
"Matt?" Lindsay furrowed her eyebrows, having noticed the even more concerned expression on Truck's Lieutenant's face.
"Take his…temperature!" Casey growled, Erin extending her arm to help him sit back down in the wheelchair and make room for the nurse to do her job.
"It's too high" Doctor Andreas muttered, looking first at the thermometer and then at Doctor Rowan.
"What's going on?!" Lindsay asked with a sense of helplessness in her voice, directing her question at both the doctors and Kelly…she couldn't get it…until Kelly closed his eyes, this time not opening them again. She understood…and it shattered her heart into small pieces. Kelly wanted to escape their world…his eyes pleading them to somehow erase the pain, to put him to asleep, forever.
"Might be an infection." Doctor Andreas explained, lifting the sheets covering his patient's bottom limbs to examine the burns on his legs.
"Hey…c'mon Lieutenant, we need you awake." Doctor Rowan uttered…
Xxx
"He's going to pull through." Boden's gruff voice sounded from behind Benny, Severide Senior peering through the window of Kelly's ICU room, frightened by the expression on Kelly's face without being able to hear what the people inside were talking about.
"Couldn't keep Katie safe…failed Kelly…" Benny mumbled, pain radiating from his voice.
Chief opened his mouth to reply but got distracted by loud steps coming from the end of the corridor.
"What the hell?!" Benny grumbled, making a step toward Boden, the two of them now standing in the middle of the corridor like statues placed there to serve as a barrier.
Burgess and Roman stopped dead on their tracks, Spellman a step before them, shackled, barely standing on his feet, multiple bruises on his face, a bandage around his nose.
"What's he doing here?!" Boden snarled, having to remind himself they were at the ICU and had to keep the noise down to a minimum.
Despite his swollen eye and Benny, and Boden blocking the way, Spellman could still see through the window…his eyes catching a glimpse of the lifeless figure of Kelly, his empty eyes, Matt in a wheelchair.
"Came to see…" A smug appeared on the ex-fireman's face, proving he was proud of what he had achieved…
"Don't!" Boden's voice boomed but it wasn't enough to stop Severide Senior from grabbing Spellman by the throat and pushing him against the wall, the CPD officers unsure whether to stop him or let him make the world a better place...
"See what, you son of a bitch?!" Benny's grip tightened around Spellman's neck.
Chief cursed, his hands sliding under Severide's armpits. "Not like this." He uttered. Benny huffed but let go, Chief using the opportunity to pull him aside. "Not here!"
The door of the ICU room opened and Erin, teary-eyed, stepped into the narrow corridor, Spellman's face the first thing she saw. "What- "
"He cut a deal with the State Attorney." Burgess answered before Erin could finish her question.
"A deal?" Boden hissed, using one hand to keep Benny at a safe distance.
"He gave a written confession and is going to plead guilty - "
"In exchange of? Lindsay barked, her eyes fixed on the man responsible for her fireman's pain.
"The chance to visit his daughter in the pediatrics ICU." Roman explained, his tone indicating that he didn't like it.
"The same ICU he sent Luke Herrmann and Logan Rice to?" Boden just couldn't believe it…
"Not going to happen!" Erin shook her head for a no, her tone not leaving place for negotiations, and frankly said, Burgess and Roman were more than happy to follow her orders.
"You can't - " Spellman growled, eyes widening.
"The hell I can't!" Lindsay uttered through greeted teeth, the image of her strong firefighter begging them to take the pain away embedded in her mind.
"But-"
"Get him out of here!"
"I hope your kid lives to remind you of what you did to her!" Benny uttered before walking away.
"You better watch your back…" Erin threatened. Unable to look at Spellman's face a second longer, she shoved past Roman and went after Benny…
Xxx
It was five days of hell later when the doctors decided to trial Kelly off the ECMO pump once again, their first attempt having failed due to a bloodstream infection. Casey and Lindsay had to watch from outside the room as the whole process was performed, the medical staff deciding to keep Kelly under sedation, afraid he would be as agitated as the previous time. Twenty-four hours later, they all heaved a sigh of relief when Doctor Rowan stepped out of the ICU room and informed them that the weaning had been successful.
A surgery to remove the cannulas and repair the blood vessels later, Kelly was wheeled back to the ICU room, a ventilator's tube still stuck in his throat, supplying him with oxygen. But the doctors were done giving him paralytics and sedatives, hoping to start trials of de-sedation and spontaneous breathing once Severide regained consciousness, and if calm enough.
Casey was dozing on a chair near the bed, Erin having disappeared to the canteen for coffee, when Kelly forced his eyes open, not quite sure if he was caught in another nightmare or it was for real. His mind was foggy, everything being just a blur. He could barely move his fingers, everything below his neck feeling somehow numb…and that tube stuck in his throat, the sensation…he couldn't breathe…he had to get it out…Kelly brought his arm toward his face…
"Don't!" A firm voice that he recognized ordered.
Severide's arm was knocked back down somehow gently. He had no energy to fight and instead turned his head to look at the blond Lieutenant stopping him from pulling the tube out.
"Relax." Casey told him, looking at the blue eyes staring back at him. "It's helping you breathe…just…don't fight it, okay."
That voice…he knew he could trust it. Very slowly, Kelly moved his head up and down, letting the ventilator do the job his lungs weren't capable of.
Matt couldn't help it but smiled when his friend's body relaxed. Truck's Lieutenant reached and pressed the nurse call button.
Turning his attention back to Severide, Casey noticed that Kelly's eyes were scanning him, the dark haired man unable to mask the confusion and fear he was experiencing.
"You know…who I am?" Matt asked with arched brows, dreading the answer.
Severide hesitated for a few seconds. "Why don't you stay with us for a while?" He nodded his head yes, the expression on his face not convincing.
"My name?" Casey hid his inner agitation well. He caught a glimpse of Kelly glassy eyes, revealing the painful truth…but he knew what a head injury and oxygen deprivation could do to one's memory, and how frustrating it could be. "You remember what happened? Hadley?"
If Severide could talk, he would have yelled at Matt to shut up and leave him the hell alone…but he couldn't, feeling as if parts of his memory had been erased, nothing making any sense…he knew who the blonde guy in his room was and yet he couldn't remember his name…he knew Kevin Hadley, but what about him? And where the hell was Shay?...He could swear she had been at his bedside for days, and yet she was not there, the emptiness inside him suggesting she had been gone for a long time…
"Hey! That's normal…I don't…I don't remember everything either…" Matt reassured him, happy to see his friend's frame relax once again. "It'll get better…I promise."
Xxx
"You must be kidding me!" Erin grumbled, Voight's expression telling her he wasn't. They were standing in front of Kelly's ICU room, their conversation far from pleasant.
"Trial's scheduled for May 13th". Hank uttered, breaking eye contact with Lindsay.
"That's - "
"The anniversary from Shay's death." Voight finished her sentence. "There's nothing I can do." He added in remorse.
"Spellman has to - "
"Hey! He's going to get what he deserves…I'm taking care of it." Voight took a step forward, pulling his girl into a tight hug. "Right now your fireman needs you."
"He's awake." A soft voice sounded from behind them, forcing Erin to glance through the window, the sight of Casey talking to a visibly calm Kelly warming her heart.
Hank released his clasp, letting Erin follow the nurse into the room, Doctor Andreas and another older nurse, who pushing an empty wheelchair, a few feet behind.
"Kelly." Erin mumbled with a twinkle in her eye, rushing to his bedside. Severide's eyes followed her every movement, his dazed mind unable to respond in any way. "You scared me…"
"It's good to finally see you awake, Lieutenant." Andreas said, monitoring his patient's reactions and behavior. "I know you want that tube out of your throat, but we need to run a few tests first, okay?"
"And your friend here has to do his physiotherapy or I'm gonna get another lecture from his girl." The older nurse commanded with a cheeky smile, positioning the wheelchair as close to the chair Matt was sitting in as possible.
Kelly cast a gaze upon the blonde Lieutenant, his eyes filled with guilt.
Matt exhaled sharply, knowing the doctor needed to examine his friend in private. Shooting a glance at the wheelchair, he used one foot to push it aside.
"Don't need it." Casey huffed, pushing himself upright…to show Kelly he was okay, to prove himself they were going to be okay. He made a step in the direction of the door, but felt his muscles shake under his weight, his hand immediately gripping the side of the bed.
"Sit your ass down." The nurse instructed, Matt having no other choice but to take her help.
"Torture." The blond Lieutenant smirked only half-joking, observing Kelly with the corners of his eyes. "You'll see for yourself, soon."
Kelly watched as the nurse wheeled Casey out of the room, scared of having to face the demons in his head if left alone. He moved the fingers of his left hand in search of Erin's. When her warm hand landed on top of his and he felt somehow safe, he allowed his eyes to close, having no energy to keep them open…
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Thank you good people for all the support and warm words! THANK YOU to the Guests I cannot pm back!
Deep breaths now, Kelly had a hard time waking up, but he's with us again, yay! Quite an emotional journey for him and his family, hope you liked it and felt their emotions...Voight's taking care of Spellman ^^
I don't want to spoil the next chapter by posting it here, but if anyone has any concerns regarding the small memory issues (or anything else), I'd be happy to discuss it with you. Just leave a comment/pm and I'll get back to you!
Would love to hear your opinion so please review before you go :)