Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!

A/N: Flashbacks are in italics

Chapter 19

Three more days passed with Kelly existing between two different words, spending most of the time asleep…the medical staff kept telling them it was normal, that patients with ARDS, who had been on ECMO, were malnourished, that it was going to take time before Kelly gained enough strength to stay awake for longer periods, even more time before he could sit, talk, engage in a conversation…but it was scary, for all of them. They knew it was common for people with head injuries to experience memory issues, hell, Casey had been through the same, they knew these issues usually persisted for a while before disappearing…but they couldn't believe that Kelly didn't remember names, that their Lieutenant had no idea what had happened to Shay, that he had no recollection of how he had ended up in a hospital, that he didn't know what Hadley and Spellman had done…

"May 13th." Benny uttered, his son drifting back to unrestful sleep. Nightmares and flashbacks were haunting Kelly, waking him up, terrifying him, agitating him and forcing him to fight for his life by trying to pull out the tube out of his mouth. The nurses had had to restrain his arms to the bed, to stop him from harming himself.

"It ends in three weeks." Benny added, stopping himself from revealing what else he had in mind…he and Voight had talked - about how to save Benny's ass from being charged with Vince Keeler's murder, about what Spellman's life would be like after the trial…about revenge, pure, animal-like revenge. The conversation he had had with Voight the previous day was still vivid in his mind.

"I know some guys inside…sick pyromaniacs who'd do anything for a matchbox." Benny had approached the subject openly, not in a mood for playing games.

"Give me names…I'll take care of the rest."

"I want him to burn to death…slowly…a finger per day, Hank…Want him to feel…feel what Kelly's feeling right now."

"He will…he'd wish he's been sent to hell once the trial's over. You have my word."

Xxx

"The weaning was successful and all tests are encouraging." It was the first good news Matt and Erin had heard in weeks…it had been days of negative results, days of postponing Kelly's extubation, Matt getting worse - headache, nausea, his physical rehabilitation going to hell…Casey had been poked with needles, his head subjected to CT scans that had pointed to a moderate brain swelling…he was back in a wheelchair, an IV stuck in his arm, a combination of drugs going into his system to relive the swelling…a complication frequently observed in patients like him, with a history of head injuries, but it didn't make it less frustrating, less scary.

"So you can finally remove that tube?" Lindsay tried not to get her hopes up…and failed.

"I'm going to extubate him…and see how it goes." Doctor Andreas explained briefly. "But you have to understand that if we don't get immediate spontaneous breathing, we'll have to re-intubate. Nurse Anna's explaining the procedure to Kelly as we speak, whether he understands it I don't know. Benny Severide agreed."

"What are the chances - "

"I don't know." Andreas shrugged his shoulders and headed towards Kelly's room where Benny was listening to the nurse's explanation carefully, Kelly's mind elsewhere.

"We're ready." The nurse smiled warmly, guiding Benny, Matt and Erin to the corner of the room.

"Lieutenant, I need you to stay with us or we cannot proceed, okay."

All the energy Kelly had went into a barely noticeable nod.

"Nurse Anna is going to put a catheter in your mouth now…I know how unpleasant it is, but we need to clear your airways."

When the new tube was forced into his mouth, Kelly pressed his eyes shut…he had been extubated before, but he had been so heavily medicated after the neck surgery that he didn't have any recollection whatsoever. It was a different story this time.

No one had warned him the suctioning would hurt like hell, and it took him by surprise. Kelly tried to cough the catheter out of his throat, unsuccessfully.

"I know, sweetie, it's going to be over soon." The nurse did her best to comfort him, Erin finding it hard to remain in the corner, every fiber of her body wanting to at least hold his hand.

"I'll be right here when you wake up." Severide heard Shay's soft voice, the same words she had whispered in his ear just before the experimental surgery.

"We're…right here." Casey said as if having read his friend's thoughts, his voice sounding calmer than he actually felt.

The nurse nodded once and removed the catheter. Andreas stepped closer to the bed, one hand ready to pull the tube out. "You still with us?"

A blink.

"On three, I want you to cough. Your throat will feel sore and dry, it's perfectly normal, just don't try to talk yet…Anna will place a mask over your nose and mouth to facilitate breathing at first." Andreas explained, a team of nurses and equipment for re-intubation behind him.

"One." Nurse Anna counted. "Two…Three."

Kelly forced a weak cough, choking as the tube was being pulled out. He felt as if something in his throat constricted, cutting off the oxygen supply to his lungs. The oxygen mask that was firmly attached to his face didn't help, just frightening him further.

"Relax." Andreas frowned, not liking the readings on the monitors.

"Don't do this…" Erin's voice was begging, scarred, the stridor resulting from her fireman fighting for each breath terrifying them all.

"What's…happening?" Matt demanded just before Benny opened his mouth to ask the same thing.

"His airways might be inflamed and swollen…"

"Might be?" Lindsay growled, ready to tear the doctor apart.

"Vitals are dropping." The nurse informed with a sense of urgency in her voice, looking at the doctor with arched brows, expecting further instructions.

"Prepare for re-intubation." Andreas instructed, Erin mumbling a quiet "no".

The only word that Severide somehow heard was re-intubation. "Just relax…I'm right here." Shay's comforting words during the extubation after the surgery rushed into his oxygen deprived mind.

Andreas took the oxygen mask off Severide's face when Kelly grabbed his hand, his eyes begging the doctor to stop.

"We have to." Andreas uttered.

Kelly's lips moved, no sound coming out. Only Matt figured out what his friend wanted to say – "Shay", and this time he couldn't force himself to tell him she wasn't there.

"Wait." Benny pleaded, taking a step forward. Kelly was fighting to gain control over his breathing, and Benny was determined to give him that one chance.

Andreas sighed, no other choice but to respect Severide's wish. "Increase the epinephrine."

"I'm right here." Kelly could swear Shay was right beside him, he was sure he had just felt her warm hand touch his…he closed his eyes, his body visibly relaxing, breathing getting a tiny bit easier, just enough to allow for the oxygen to reach his lungs…

Xxx

Five more days went by before Kelly was transferred to a regular room…for someone who had no idea what they had been through it didn't seem so significant, for Casey, Erin, Benny and the rest of the Fifty-one family it was a massive achievement. For Kelly, it was hard for anyone to tell – there were moments when he had that look on his face, the look of a man who could pull through anything. Seconds later as if something crushed his willpower…that something was seeing Matt so physically broken, hearing people talk about Hadley and Spellman, about what they had done, having no recollection at all…that something was seeing Shay's face in his head, hearing her voice every time he closed his eyes, waking up expecting to see her there, then having to remind himself she was gone, forever, and he had no idea why. He knew the people coming to see him, knew the people telling him to keep fighting, that he was doing well…but he was finding it hard to remember their names – was it Cruz or Otis, who cared?!

"We'll try giving him real food today and I'm hoping to start with some basic physiotherapy and exercise in the next few days." Andreas informed Erin and Casey who were on their way to Kelly's room, Benny and Boden having just left. "Look, the memory problems are normal and you have to understand that patients with ARDS often experience depression and mood swings…he's been through a lot and having hard time remembering those events only adds up to the psychological problems. There's no point in hiding the truth from him – he asks you anything, you tell him what's happened. It will help him remember."

Matt and Lindsay nodded in agreement, Andreas taking it as a sign to step aside and let them enter Kelly's room. It was much bigger than the ICU one, much brighter, even had a TV that no one really used.

Kelly was lying on the bed, eyes closed, caught in another nightmare…every time someone entered his room he just wished to be left alone…then when alone, he wished for someone to pull him out of the nightmares…

"Shaaay." He cried out, his eyes snapping wide open, looking around in an attempt to locate the blonde paramedic. Every time he woke up, he would scream her name, frantically looking for her…until he felt the emptiness inside him, reminding him she wasn't there.

Kelly raised his hand, searching for Lindsay's, shooting her a grateful glance when her fingers wrapped around his.

"I know." Lindsay whispered, her other hand brushing his long hair off his face. "She's gone, Kelly." Erin forced herself to say it for a third time in her life – after the second, she had been sure she wouldn't ever have to break his heart again, and the world had proven her wrong. She just didn't want to be sure of anything anymore.

Matt waited for Lindsay's words to sink in, trying to read the stony expression on his friend's face. "It's been nearly a year." He added, his mind taking him to the times when everything had been so much simpler, easier, happier.

"How…" Kelly uttered, wishing to hear the story for the first time. He remembered bits and pieces, remembered running into the warehouse, the propane tanks…"How?" His hoarse voice sounded again when nobody answered.

They told him everything…about how she'd died in his hands, about his breakdown afterwards, about Hadley's plan to get out of jail, about Spellman's revenge, about Herrmann, the trial, Logan's and Matt's kidnapping…it was a lot to take in, it hurt…it felt as if they were talking about a movie, a horrible movie he hadn't seen.

"I don't…remember…" Kelly mumbled, grimacing when the rest of the words got stuck in his sore throat.

A knock on the door and Mouch motioning for Casey to join him outside ended their conversation. Erin nodded, as if to say it was okay for Matt to go. As the blonde Lieutenant was making his way out, Lindsay planted a warm kiss on Kelly's cheek before sitting comfortably in one of the chairs. "You remember me." She whispered. It meant a lot to her.

Matt stepped out of the room, confused to see Mouch and Andreas in the corridor. "What's going on?"

"Herrmann called me an hour ago. Luke's going home tomorrow." Mouch explained, the doctor glancing at him in confusion.

"Good."

"No. I mean, he's going to his home tomorrow…You know we've been off shift lately. Had plenty of time to fix and decorate the house."

Casey nodded, expecting Mouch to continue, still not quite sure why Andreas had to be present.

"Herrmann doesn't know about it yet and we want to surprise him. The kids would love it…everyone would be happy to see you there, Lieutenant, and…" Mouch paused, afraid that his suggestion would sound crazy. "We think it might…might help Kelly if he comes."

The confusion on Andreas' face was replaced by shock…but as insane as it sounded, Casey actually liked the idea.

"No." The doctor barked.

"C'mon."

"Lieutenant, I know you are feeling much better physically and opted to stay in the hospital for a few more days just to be close to him. BUT…" Andreas moved his eyes from Matt to Mouch. "Kelly can barely stay awake for two hours, let alone leave the hospital!"

"Two hours is what we need." Mouch shrugged his shoulders.

"Kelly needs to see things are getting better." Casey argued, determination on his face. "Look, I know what it feels like to not remember stuff less important than what he doesn't right now…it might help…"

"Two hours tops." Andreas murmured, still not happy with the idea. "If Kelly and Benny Severide agree."

"Two hours tops." Matt promised, hoping his broken friend would have the willpower to do it.

"And a nurse's coming with you. If she says you need to come back, you come back, okay?"

"Okay."

Xxx

"What the heck's this place?" Herrmann rose his voice when he had to ask the same question for a third time, his kids staring at him with arched brows, Mouch driving Christopher's minivan, Cindy in the back with Luke.

Mouch smirked and parked the car in front of the house, the kids jumping out before Cindy helped Luke get off.

"What's going on?" Cindy asked when Herrmann and Mouch joined them on the sidewalk, confusion on her face.

"You'll see." Mouch grinned, leading the way to their house, the family following him reluctantly…

Nobody noticed Otis peering through the second floor window, excitement taking over him when the Herrmann clan finally arrived. He ran downstairs, the people there preparing for their first happy moment in nearly a year.

Erin was standing next to Kelly, Casey on his other side, nurse Anna in the corner, watching over her patient. Convincing Severide to do it had been hard, and still he was sitting in a wheelchair motionless, murmuring "yes" whenever somebody asked him whether he was okay…all the people, all the names, all the information, he felt as if his head was going to explode.

"I can't…" Kelly uttered, his face losing the slight color it had gained over the past few days.

But before Casey could do anything, there was a knock on the door – Mouch pulled the handle... The door opened and Randy walked in first, followed by…

"SURPRISE!" The people of Firehouse Fifty-One yelled at the same time, a few colorful balloons flying in the direction of the door, Herrmann's oldest son mumbling "wow".

Herrmann stopped dead in his tracks, Cindy and the kids a step behind him, looking around in excitement.

"Welcome home." Boden stepped forward, a toothy smile on his face, Christopher staring at him with his mouth open.

"What…"

"Are we going to live here, dad?" Lee-Henry asked, holding Kenny's hand.

"No…"

"Yes!" Cruz shouted from the back of the living room. "This is your house, Herrmann."

"My…our…" Christopher had no idea what to say, but the tears in his eyes were enough to show them how grateful he was, for everything. He turned around and pulled his wife into a hug, Cindy whispering "thank you" to the people looking at them.

"Okay, enough with the hugs." Otis exclaimed. "Time for the cake."

"Guys, I…I don't know how to - "

"You don't have to." Chief cut Christopher off, extending his hand to hand him two sets of keys.

Severide didn't say anything, feeling as if he didn't belong there, the thought that it had all happened because of him not leaving him alone. His eyes darted around the room, the furniture…the furniture from his shared apartment with Shay. He could feel her absence more than anyone else…over the year, they had learned how to live without her, never forgetting her, just continuing with their lives. For him…he didn't even remember losing her, and even though he had been told what had happened, he kept glancing at the door, expecting her to walk in…

"Can't..." Severide told no one in particular, overwhelmed by everything going on around him

"Luke!" Cindy's voice brought Kelly back to reality. He opened his eyes and saw the little boy standing in front of him. Luke extended his arms and wrapped them around Kelly's neck gently…

"Thanks for saving me and my dad." Luke whispered before Cindy came closer and pulled him aside.

Kelly was left speechless, no words to describe the emotions he felt. He rubbed his eyes with one hand, but didn't manage to hide the tears…tears caused by the fact that he didn't remember, tears caused by the hole in his soul…tears caused by the idea that after all, he had helped somebody, a little kid, and his dad…part of his family. He looked around…he had troubles remembering their names, but he knew they had been there for him, through the whole nightmare, through the darkest moments, never giving up on him for a second…he looked at his blonde-haired brother, Casey squeezing him arm gently…he looked at Erin and saw…saw a woman who loved him, no matter what, no matter how hard it was and was going to be…and he loved her too.

"C'mon, time for the cake!" Otis urged for a second time.

"I'm so damn proud of you, Kelly." He smiled, the first real smile on Kelly's face in what seemed to be forever.

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Thank you good people for all the support and warm words! THANK YOU to the Guests I cannot pm back!

A little bit of tension in the beginning, but with all the sadness on Fire and PD these days, I wanted to end this chapter on a lighter note with happy tears, hope you like it! Kelly is a fighter, they all are, and they have just one more big challenge to face before it is all over for good.

Just to say, I am well aware that in real life May 13th was yesterday, hope you don't mind the small time difference.

Would love to hear your opinion so please review before you go, thanks :)