Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 3, 2 and 1
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire and Chicago PD. I do not own the lyrics of the songs used. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!
A/N: Flashbacks are in italics
Chapter 22
"Always." Kelly's mind screamed…seconds later he saw himself curled up on the floor of Chicago Med's waiting room…and she was gone. The images of random bars flashed in front of his eyes, Vegas…Brittany…Erin sitting next to him on the floor of the Fire Academy…the fire at Herrmann's house, the memorial service for Shay…Spellman's trap…Hadley's trial…
It was all a mess in his head, a mess that hurt like hell.
"Kelly!"
"Ahhh" He wailed, writhing in pain, struggling to stay conscious as more and more memories rushed into his head...
Kelly was unaware of the chaos in the courtroom, was unaware that he was holding his head in his hands, whimpering, his brain unable to process a year worth of memories. Two officers guided Spellman out through the back exit, the judge announcing a break, sending most people away.
"Severide!" Boden's voice boomed when Kelly didn't respond to Matt's and Erin's soft pleas.
Brett and Mills knelt between him and the front row of seats, Shaw joining them seconds later, Chili watching in horror together with the rest of Truck, Squad and Voight's team…after everything that had happened, Peter had left to start a new restaurant with his family, getting back to Chicago for the trial only.
"Lieutenant, stay in the present." Brett instructed. "Look at me."
"Kelly…" Erin grabbed his hand against her own better judgment. He trembled in agony before trying to jerk his arm free.
"No…NO" Kelly wailed, frantically pushing her arm with his other hand.
"Don't." Mills shook his head, and Lindsay finally realized that she had to let go…that people experiencing a panic attack didn't like to be touched, that her feelings in that moment were irrelevant…
"Give him some space!" Matt barked at the crowd of worried firefighters, Brett making a step to the right so that Shaw could get closer to his patient.
"C'mon, show's over!" Herrmann urged the firefighters to leave, Voight leading his people toward the door.
"I started the fire that took the life of your precious Leslie Shay…say hello - " Kelly saw himself standing in front of the firehouse just after the memorial service for Shay, Spellman approaching him with a smug on his face…as if he was in a low quality horror movie.
"Kelly, you're safe. Everyone's safe." Shaw reasoned, but his words didn't mean anything to Severide.
"I was devastated when I heard." Spellman stood right in front of him…next, he was face-to-face with Hadley in prison.
"Kelly!" Matt raised his voice, and for their relief Severide finally lifted his head, fixing his vacant eyes on Casey. "I know how scary those memories are, but it's over now."
"Breathe with me." Shaw instructed, making sure Kelly could see him. The doctor took a deep breath through the nose, exhaling through the mouth, and Severide tried to follow, finding it hard to focus, his head spinning, the headache…"Breathe with me." Shaw ordered firmly, scared that the hyperventilation might hurt Severide's already damaged lungs.
"Hurts…" Kelly uttered, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, burying his head in his hands once again.
"Anyone…anyone got Ibuprofen or Acetaminophen?" Mills asked, moving his eyes from one person to another.
"Here." Benny slid his hand into the inner pocket of his jacket, wrapping his fingers around the very small bottle of pain-relief pills.
"Take these." Shaw ordered in a soft voice. Kelly looked up, lifted his shaky hand, grabbed the two pills from Benny's hand and stuffed them into his mouth, then took the uncapped bottle of water Erin offered and swallowed the pills, hoping for instantaneous relief even though he knew it would take five-ten minutes for it to come.
"Now make a fist with your left hand." Shaw spoke again, but Severide didn't register his words. "Come on, Kelly, make a fist with your left hand."
Kelly squeezed his eyes shut in an unsuccessful attempt to stop the pain and finally balled up his fist.
"Squeeze…hold it tight…and relax your hand…now do the same with your right hand."
Shaw made Severide switch hands six more times until Kelly got too tired to continue, his body and mind finally relaxing, the ibuprofen doing its magic.
"You remembered?" Lindsay mumbled, avoiding physical contact with him no matter how hard it actually was.
"Yeah…maybe…I don't know." Kelly muttered, looking at her with glassy, confused eyes. She took it as a sign to finally pull him closer to herself, and this time he didn't protest.
"Let's go home." Casey suggested hesitantly, Shaw shooting him a glance that said no.
"Let him deal with it." The doctor whispered so that only Matt and the judge who had joined them to assess the situation could hear him. "He needs to see it's over with his own eyes. You, too, Matt"
"When?" Casey raised his voice, glaring upon the judge as if it was all her fault.
"Forty-five minutes break left…we need Spellman's full testimony, but I think jury's already made its decision."
Matt shook his head in frustration, not sure if they had the mental strength to sit there for another two-three hours…he turned to look at his friend, the corners of his mouth lifting to form a small smile when he saw Kelly dozing off in Lindsay's lap, Erin gently running her fingers through his hair over and over again…he returned to his seat, the physical and mental exhaustion, and the ibuprofen having taken their toll on Severide. Casey sat there, in silence, hoping that half an hour unrestful sleep would be enough to get his fellow Lieutenant through the rest of the trial…
Xxx
"Bastard." Mouch muttered, Spellman having just revealed all the details from their plan to set a trap for Fifty-one, hoping that the tall building would take at least one life…it had, on the same day, a year earlier, a day that had been supposed to be happy – Boden's wedding…but Spellman hated Boden, hated everyone from that house, and in his mind it was all just perfect…in his mind, right there, while he was revealing the details from the witness stand, it all looked perfect, because he could see their tormented faces, he had heard Kelly's scream…they were broken, their firehouse, their family was broken…
"Someone has to - "
"It's taken care of." Benny cut Herrmann off, not taking his eyes off Spellman. "His cellmate…owns me the life of his kid. Hank knows." It was all Severide Senior needed to say, and they understood…it wasn't going to erase the past year, it wasn't going to bring her back…wasn't going to bring their Leslie Shay back…but at least he couldn't hurt anyone else, ever again…
"Ten minutes!" The judge announced, Spellman getting escorted back to his seat...in ten minutes, they would hear the sentence, and maybe…maybe, they would finally turn the page.
"How's the headache?" Matt glared at Kelly, glad to see some color back on his friend's face.
"Better." Severide mumbled, still processing what exactly had happened…was he so week that a bunch of memories could cause a panic attack?
"You remembered?"
"Think so…it's…one big mess in my head right now." Kelly murmured, a scowl on his face.
"Felt the same way…after the head injury."
"Which one?" Severide snickered, his expression clouding once again.
"Both of them…you were still…sleeping." Matt smartly opted not to say coma. "When it hit me. Give it some time."
"Yeah…seems like - "
"Guys." Erin uttered, ending their conversation, a member of the jury getting up, a piece of paper in his hand.
Kelly visibly tensed up, clenching his jaw, sitting up straight, his hand searching for Lindsay's, finding some comfort in her soft touch.
During the few seconds while the middle-aged man was preparing to announce the decision, it was so quiet that Kelly could hear his own rapid breathing, his heart beating faster…
"We, the jury find the defendant John Spellman, guilty of all charges, and assess his punishment as a life without the possibility of parole."
The announcement was followed by an explosion of victorious voices, Herrmann and Otis exclaiming "Yes!" at the same time as Joe looked up, murmuring "Thank you" to his God or whatever power he believed in, Mouch grinning in satisfaction, Benny and Voight exchanging a look that said this was only the beginning for the man responsible for so much pain, so many tears and sleepless nights…
"It's over." Boden mumbled not quite believing it yet, and Mills patted his back, the corners of Clarke's lips lifting up.
Gabby remained speechless, her glassy eyes betraying her emotions…but those were tears of happiness…she smiled and Matt leaned in her direction, their kiss – a symbol of pure love.
Chili wrapped Brett in a hug, and even though neither of them had known Shay, to a certain extend they were also victims of that monsters, their family was a victim of that monster.
"It's over." Erin whispered, Kelly barely suppressing a wave of tears...
"Yeah." It was all he could mutter, but it was enough. Lindsay pulled him in her arms, their hearts beating as one in that moment…it was over…a war with too many casualties, too many broken hearts and broken homes, too many broken dreams and broken hopes, but it was over, forever…
Xxx
A few hours later they were all at Molly's, many people from District Twenty-one there as well, to show their support once again, to honor the life of Leslie Shay…yes, they were all there to celebrate Leslie Shay, they had had a year to mourn, it was time to celebrate...
Lindsay headed toward the rare of the bar where Voight and her team stood…she hadn't had the chance to thank them for….for being there for her, for them.
Kelly remained seated at one of the tables, Capp, Cruz and Otis heatedly discussing something next to him…he was beyond exhausted already, the throbbing headache not leaving him…but he was among family now, feeling safer. He lifted his eyes from the glass of orange juice in his hands and looked around, studying all the photos of Shay and members of Fifty-one that Herrmann and Otis had hung on the walls…grinning faces, stupid faces, mock faces, Shay sitting in his chair at the Squad's table, a huge smile plastered on her face.
"I'm so damn proud of you, Kelly." He fixed his gaze on the biggest picture, carefully positioned on the counter, surrounded by flowers…she stood in front of ambo, waving at the camera…he remembered Darden telling the stupidest joke ever in the exact same moment, Shay had chuckled…"And if I were straight, I'd throw the biggest hump into you right now." Yes, even then, in the wake of his addiction to painkillers, she had found a way to bring happiness back on their faces…Kelly smiled, not taking his eyes off the photo as his mind dwelt upon more memories of her…this time there was no panic attack, no angst…this time it felt as if he found a piece of himself, even for a little while, Shay was there, with them, with her family, with him, with the woman he loved, with the man he considered brother…
"Here." Clarke slammed a beer on the table in front of Severide, gently placing another one in front of Cruz, pulling Kelly out of his thoughts, Casey right next to him with a glass of red juice.
"Can't." Kelly looked up and Jeff eyed him mimicking disappointment, barely suppressing a laugh after having had four beers already.
"You two back in preschool?" Clarke muttered, shooting Casey a glance, grinning when Joe reached for his beer.
"Had a bunch of pills for dessert." Matt huffed, no need to say that Kelly was still on antibiotics, pain killers…
Clarke shook his head, placing an empty beer bottle on the table before grabbing the full one.
"Hey Lieutenant - " Joe raised his voice, Otis elbowing him.
"Actually" Clarke cut him off, remaining serious getting harder with every sip of beer. "He's not your Lieutenant…since yesterday."
"Huh?" Cruz and Matt mumbled at the same time, eyes focused on the ex-marine.
"Scott Rice left Squad, you know being a single parent and after…well, he's got a teaching post at the Academy, he seemed happy."
Kelly nodded in agreement even though it was the first time he heard the news…he hadn't found the courage to approach Rice after what had happened with Logan…and he made a mental note to do it, soon.
"So, there's an opening." Jeff continued, Cruz observing with a mixture of excitement and disbelief on his face. "And, Cruz, apparently you have completed your Squad training recently…so if Lieutenant Severide here doesn't mind - "
"No, I…it's your…" Kelly bit his lips, stopping himself from saying that it was Clarke's Squad now. "Squad needs men like you." He extended his arm, exchanging a handshake with the newest member of Squad 3, Jeff's Squad 3…
"Cheers to that."
"Clarke, you - " Herrmann shouted from the behind the counter, the second half of his sentence getting lost amongst so many other voices.
"Hafta go." Jeff smirked and just left, Casey turning around to see what the rush was all about.
Kelly rose to his feet, determined to make it all the way to the rare of bar where Erin was still talking to Voight and Antonio, but he stumbled before he even took a step forward, grabbing the edge of the table. The noise forced Matt to look back at him, catching him by the arm, Kelly gripping Casey's sleeve with his other hand in a desperate attempt to not end up on the floor. Truck's Lieutenant helped him sit back on the stool, glad his weak muscles didn't betray him, and raised his eyebrows to question his stubborn friend's actions. The scene was enough to attract Lindsay's attention, but Casey lifted his hand, out of Kelly's sight, to tell her he had it under control.
"Damn legs." Severide muttered, his curse directed to both his weak muscles and still painful burns.
"Heard you're going for a swim tomorrow."
"Yeah, Casey…my body's that crap I need aqua therapy." Kelly snapped, regretting his tone immediately…he had completely ignored the results from his most recent tests, his attention fully focused on the trial and the anniversary…but Andreas had told him his lung's function hadn't improved much, the regular physiotherapy quickly leaving him out of breath, every movement of his rusty joints - too painful…so he was starting aqua therapy that was supposed to improve his pulmonary function, decrease the pain, calm him down, fight the anxiety…it was supposed to, but Kelly had a hard time believing it.
"Doesn't look that bad."
Kelly huffed, clenching his jaw. "All I have to do is lie in the water wearing stupid floats while Martin's trying to fix…me."
"Hey." Casey kept his voice low, but firm. "I hate this as much as you do…the whole having to be patient thing…talking to Shaw helps, but…the physiotherapy, the speech therapy drive me crazy…but what other choice do we have?!"
"Feel useless." Severide grimaced, glancing upon Erin.
"It sucks." Matt admitted sourly. "It takes five minutes after I wake up to get a coherent sentence out of my mouth…I stand upright for a bit longer, or carry groceries, and my fingers start twitching…"
"She would have kicked our asses by now." Kelly's lips formed a smile full of sadness, his eyes pointing the big picture of Shay. "When…when I woke up at the hospital…she was there with me…the same way she never left my room after the neck surgery."
Matt grinned, remembering the short tempered, sleep deprived Shay from after the surgery…and then, magically, the moment Kelly had opened his eyes, all negative emotions had been erased, the smile returning on her face…
"I keep having those nightmares of…of her, of her dead body…Hadley and Spellman are standing there…"
"I know." Matt reminded softly, having witnessed him having the nightmares million times…but this was the first time ever Kelly talked about the problem, and meant a lot. "It's over…they are over."
"Yeah." Kelly took a sip of his juice, getting lost in his thoughts for a brief moment. He lifted his eyes to meet Casey's. "What you did for me…if it wasn't for you and Erin…thanks."
Matt replied with a nod, watching as Kelly raised his juice glass. "To Shay."
"To Shay." Matt raised his raspberry juice for a toast. With the corners of his eyes, he saw Boden and Donna heading for the bar, Gabby ready to give them what seemed to be vodka with coke.
"Chief." Matt shouted and Boden turned in the direction of his Lieutenant's voice, spreading his hands. "To you. Happy anniversary!" Casey lifted his glass once again, a toast between the members of their big family following.
A couple of minutes later, Herrmann escaped the cheerful crowd around Kelly's table, grabbed a menu from the counter and stopped in front of Shay's smiling face. "Okay, listen up everybody!" Christopher waited until he got everyone's full attention. "Molly's updated its menu." He motioned for Otis to come closer and get everyone a menu from the pile behind him…a long minute later everyone was holding a copy, puzzled. "Page one…c'mon people."
"Cinco de Mayo" Otis pointed the alcoholic drinks section on page one. "Shay's recipe."
Kelly swallowed hard, Erin nearing him from behind, wrapping her hands around his neck. "Found your DVDs." She whispered softly, referring to Kelly collection of videos of him and Shay…she knew the one with the colorful letters saying "Cinco de Mayo" was somehow special, but still had no idea why, or what that Mexican holiday name meant to him.
"Dawson finally agreed to give Molly's Shay's recipe for the best summer cocktail I've ever tried." Herrmann grinned…their bar would have never made it without Shay…it was her bar, too.
Kelly lifted his head and Erin planted a warm kiss on his lips. "I love you." He mumbled so that only she heard him, earning himself another hot kiss…
Xxx
"You need anything?" Spellman's neighbor for the years to come grumbled, balling up his fists…he was a big guy, Latin-American, a tattoo of a dragon covering half of his face.
Spellman didn't reply. Instead, a guard unlocked the door of his cell, and another one pushed him inside, locking it and disappearing out of sight a couple of seconds later. The smell of urine hit him immediately, his eyes darting around the tiny room, paint peeling off the grayish walls. The bunk bed was ancient, an unstable ladder leading to his, upper bed. He looked up, but before he placed the set of sheets, pillow case and duvet cover in his hands on the mattress, two sharp knees connected with the back of his. Spellman fell on his knees, and a hand gripped the back of his head, then slammed it against the bed's frame…he felt blood dripping down his nose, but couldn't do anything to stop it. Instead, his cellmate slid his hand into the cover of his pillow, pulling out a matchbox…
"A gift…from Sergeant Voight and Benny Severide." Spellman couldn't see the wide smile that spread across his cellmate's face…
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lots of emotions in this one, told ya Spellman wouldn't get away with it, now he's gonna have "fun" in jail. Wasn't easy, but Kelly finally remembered, and he's starting to open up – hope you liked the talk with Matt, they needed it. They're finally able to remember Shay with a smile, and now they have a part of her in their menu (and Molly's). Kelly finally said those simple three words to Erin…
Okay, one more chapter and an epilogue left.
Would love to hear your opinion so please review before you go, thanks :)