Again, the cleaner version of Chapter 2.

So here's the thing about being a baby.

Yeah, yeah, I'm following protocol and describing my baby experience.

…Just listen okay?

So here's the thing about being a baby…

…You don't remember anything.

What? I'm supposed to be aware of my surroundings while I'm in a baby's body because my mind is an adult's?

You wish.

To be aware of my surroundings I have to be able to sense stuff. So that I can use the input knowledge to conjecture and stuff. The thing about being a baby?

…You sleep through most of it.

And you don't dream. Because your brain hasn't received enough stimulus to actually picture stuff. You get a mass of blobs when you open your eyes, maybe something fuzzy if it gets close enough, and your nose is as good as useless. Most of your input comes from touch and while you're a delicate widdle baby, you don't get more than bed, human, Mummy, food.

Why's mummy so special?

Because I'm a breastfed baby, duh.

And because I'm a special baby with past-life memories, I can differentiate between Mummy and food. Isn't that wonderful?

I know right?

Oh, the perverts want to know what breastfeeding is like?

Well what do you think? Go suckle a boob and you'll know. Of course, I don't have teeth, so you can go take a trip to the dentist before that.

And so there we have it: The life of a baby with the mind of an adult!

Awesome.

Ah. You want to know what I did with my time? Oh, I'm supposed to be thinking about what to do?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA no.

I'm a baby. More than 99% of my time is spent sleeping, eating, and pooping. I'm not even really aware of doing all that—it's just some kind of baby instinct.

Time? What time? You know how people describe being only peripherally aware while in the womb? It's the same for the first few weeks as a baby.

After that? You're a little more aware, so you know when to cry when you're hungry and poopy.

Oh, and if they don't burp you, you can projectile vomit now.

Isn't that great?

xXXx

The transition from baby to toddler is pretty abrupt.

Well, physically, it isn't. But people start categorizing you as a toddler only when you can interact with others.

So…basically when you finally move around on your own.

At two months old, my eyesight cleared up enough that I could see stuff without squinting. (Not that squinting helped. It was like I had this cataract over my eyeballs fogging everything over) So I could go 'goo goo' when my mom or whoever was holding me started talking.

Can baby's say other things?

…Nope. It's the default. Other than screaming, my throat only does 'goo goo'. So 'aww, aren't you a cute widdle baby', gets 'goo goo', and 'isn't my baby just adowable' gets 'goo goo', and 'you little shit' gets either 'goo goo' or 'EEEEEEEEeee' depending on the tone.

It's wonderful. Now I can express the two fundamental touchstones of language.

'Yes' and 'No'.

Come to think of it, the Japanese word for no sounds a lot similar to that. 'Iie' is just that with an 'eh' sound tacked to the back. I guess they were pretty practical people—why change a word when you've been using it practically since you can open your mouth?

If you're wondering why a lot of people are more inclined to saying 'yes' than 'no', it's because 'no' is a lot harder on the throat than 'yes'. That's why the babies who dare use 'no' more, are the ones who will rule the world.

Muahahahaha.

Okay, fine. I said 'yes' more.

…'EEEEEeee' is PAINFUL, okay?!

And now you know why toddlers love 'no' when we can finally say it. We don't have to hurt ourselves anymore.

So, at six to eight months, my vocabulary expands. In addition to 'goo goo' and 'EEEeee', I have 'badabada', 'Ehehehehehe', and other assorted non-words. I can even say 'goo goo ga ga' now.

Basically, I can pronounce all those pesky consonants that have previously eluded me.

…So why didn't I go straight to words?

By the way, I have my first tooth!

…It itches.

Anyway, I can't say words because my mouth won't let me.

…What? I just know that I can't say them when I try! How should I know why? I'm not a baby manual! My mouth moves and sounds come out, but when I try to say make the sounds line up accordingly it's like a hinge comes loose.

And my tooth hurts. It's itchy in the painful way and I can't scratch it. I 'EEEeeee'd for the longest time until they stuck this cold gummy thing in my mouth that eased the ache.

'EEEeee' is just for no? Now when did I say that? It's multi-purpose, fool! Do you think 'goo goo' would get their attention easier?

Thought not.

Yeah, whatever. So eight-months-old and blabbering nonsense that almost sound like words.

Walking?

Erm, no. Do you know how difficult it is to get on my feet?

I shuffled about on my butt (I bet I wiped the floor clean for mom a lot) and maybe crawled some, but I couldn't get on my feet no matter how hard I tried.

…And here you were asking me to take on Itachi. Hahaha.

So a year came and I finally blurted out 'kaakaa' like some kind of crow. They'd been teaching me names of stuff, handing me something or pointing it out and then saying them in an exaggerated manner.

So 'kaakaa' to my mother, who was so happy she flipped out and burnt down the backyard with Katon: Goukakyu no Jutsu.

…I probably shouldn't have said that while she was practicing.

But no time like the present, right?

So one year and my first word done and me just barely able to get to my feet by clinging onto stuff and balancing on wobbly feet. Subsequent tries to even inch my feet forward just ended up with me flopping onto my butt.

Genius, huh?

All in all, it took me a year and a half to become what is classified as a 'toddler', because obviously I can't toddle when I can't even get on my feet.

…Yes. I know it's a little later than most.

Anyway. So, what was I feeling throughout this excruciatingly slow period of development, you ask?

For one…I didn't really think a lot. I mean, I tried but I didn't have nearly enough brainpower to process the thoughts I was trying to think, so I mostly shut down whenever I went further than learning to walk and talk. I think my parents thought I was narcoleptic, the way I'd suddenly doze off in the middle of a baby-sentence.

Yeah, I was a strange baby. In the normal sense of the word. Not the 'Oc-inserted' one.

Also, if I got too frustrated, I started to cry, and crying wears me out like nothing else. I'd end up completely stoned for the next few days and there went my walking practice time.

Besides, it wasn't as if I was naturally inclined to ponder all that stuff. In fact, I had to force myself to concentrate the few times I tried. And the moment I got too stressed or sad or angry or basically negative, I'd burst into tears and bye bye progress.

If you were to ask me, the first few months as a baby was like having a brain of Swiss cheese, where all the stuff I thought about simply poured out into the ether. Or into my cloth diapers with the pap that constituted 'baby food'. I wasn't capable of holding a thought long enough to actually think it.

I also wasn't capable of angsting, which to me, was a great advantage. Imagine being all grown up with all the grown up concerns of grown up future.

Oh wait, you don't need to.

Anyway, like I said, negative emotions made me automatically burst into tears and pass out. After I came to, it'd be like a clean slate and I'd revert to happy-go-luckiness. It was basically the mood reset button. Amazing to experience and actually remember. I think I will miss this childhood.

I was a cheerful baby. Mostly. Outside of the strange crying fits and fainting spells.

…I think my mom took me to the hospital a few times. Medic chakra is kind of different.

Oh yeah, I never told you what medic chakra feels like, right?

Well. It's like taking a sedative. Or at least, I think they purposely made it that way so that I'd stay calm? So it was morphine without the needle. Awesome.

So what does normal chakra feel like?

…I don't know.

Again, you're surprised?

Well how would I get the chance to know what normal chakra feels like when nobody's used anything but medical jutsu on me? Geez, keep up!

I'm a baby. You really think my parents would allow people to perform random jutsu on me? Er…no. They're not Orochimaru you know?

Yes, yes. Uchiha are nice people. Oh the horror.

Oh grow up.

To those who were wondering. Yes, that last sentence was meant to be ironic. And if you didn't notice, Midori's first few years are kind of peppered with bouts of crazy outbursts because she isn't as calm or settled as she'd like you to think. In fact, I'd like you to take her ramblings as a VERY unreliable narrative. If you're new to my stories, you probably don't know how much I adore making my characters get completely wrong or contradicting ideas. Muahahahaha.

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