I'm surprised only one person guessed what was going to happen, but ehhhh I guess this means it'll be a happy surprise for everyone? XDDD
In any case, remember when I said this was at LEAST a half-crack fic? Yeah.
WARNING: THIS IS CRACK. ALL YOUR BASES ARE BELONGS TO CRACK!
I would like it to be known that I was against this. I was and am and will always be against this. I may not have kicked or screamed or even said a word but I. Am. Against. This.
Itachi and I are now married.
Tada!
I am now Uchiha Midori nee Uchiha, wife of the Clan heir, heir of the Fourth Branch, and…daughter-in-law of Uchiha Fugaku and Mikoto.
Yeah I'm going to faint now.
xXXx
Itachi eyes his fiancée—wife's pale face as she sways on her feet. The ceremony was over, they'd done the sake drinking and everything already. The only thing left was the party…which was so huge as to be a festival in itself.
He felt a little faint himself, having been just as equally in the dark about their parents' plans as she was.
Of course, children didn't really have a say as to when they got married, but there was usually a line drawn as to how old you had to be before you got married of all things.
He really regretted making chunin so early. For once, Midori was right.
A soft whimper escapes his…wife, and he hurries to steady her as her knees crumple. Her eyes are already fluttering, which is alarming because that only happens when she's suffering from chakra exhaustion or trying to weasel something from the adults.
He looks to his left and to his right. His parents are mingling, Miyuki-oba-san is eating, and Sasuke is laughing cheerfully in Shisui's arms.
—in Shisui's arms.
"Midori," he hisses, accidentally stabbing his fingers into her shoulder. He shakes her with the other hand, almost dragging her off her feet with the force.
"Wh-what?" She blinks, wide-eyed up at him. It is a very, very rare expression. He notes that she has eyes almost as big as Sasuke's, although the latter is far cuter. Her face is a little green at the moment.
"Sasuke," he grits out, jabbing repeatedly to their right. Midori turns awkwardly in her heavy kimono and gasps.
Then she takes out a coil of ninja wire and whips Shisui in the face.
Both male Uchiha blink at her (along with a couple other bystanders who happened to see), Shisui with one hand on his cheek and Itachi with his jaw on the ground. They only wish that it had been their imagination, but they know better than that. Obliviously, or intentionally ignoring the scene she was making, Midori slices an imperious hand (that's not holding wire) through the air, making everyone flinch, and beckons his brother-stealing cousin over.
Shisui looks like he's debating between obeying and making a run for it, but Sasuke (for kami's sake why does he not see her for the terror she is?) loves Midori and starts wriggling to get to her. He slaps at Shisui's face insistently when he can't get free, and really, who has been teaching him these things? (He knows exactly who to blame)
He's not jealous. He's not.
Shisui shunshins over, a pile of leaves fluttering into his neighbours' tea, and resignedly hands over his brother. To Midori.
He is not. Jealous.
"We're going now," his wife announces, and the four Uchiha children troop away from their heir's worst nightmare, making excuses to any well-wishers on their way.
xXXx
"You look soooo pretty, neetan!" Sasuke gushes at me as he keeps a firm (meaning tight and sweaty) hold on my sleeve. Our age difference is only a year and a half, but between young children, it means I have at least half a head over the boy.
At four-going-on-five, Sasuke is still a little unstable on his feet, though he started walking at two plus. His first word was IIIEEEEEeeeehh, by the way (courtesy of yours truly). The stubbornness is strong in this kid. (Actually, I think it came from Mikoto-sama, not Fugaku-sama.) He is an extremely cute ball of hyperactive energy, though emulating Itachi means he occasionally sits still enough not to make a mess of his dinner.
Fugaku-sama is currently at a loss, because he was spoiled by Itachi and now thinks all babies are creepy, silent robots. Apparently they only start making more noise as they get older, albeit in intelligent format, which just means I was right and Itachi has been a little old man since birth.
…Occasionally, Fugaku-sama has lost his temper at Sasuke, which means he scolds him and wonders aloud why he's not more like his brother. I've taken to shoving all his seat cushions full of kunai in retaliation, and smiling creepily while fingering my ninja-wire. He knows it's me, coz I do it in front of him once he starts ragging on his younger son. He usually stops immediately, but sometimes he just goes on and on and I have to go rip his prized Fuuma-shuriken from its wall and throw it into shuriken-denting things.
(I did try throwing it at him, but apparently his first reaction is to catch stuff and throw them back at a minimum of twice the speed. Damn his adult long arms!)
Mikoto-sama loves Fugaku-sama a little too much to beat his ass in public, so she lets me get away with it (and sometimes picks up a scroll that she waves around and make her husband go pale). Sasuke usually comes crying to me instead of her after because he's a stubborn, prideful little boy who's trying so freaking hard to be good for Chichiue and more like his beloved nii-tama. Goddammit.
(Incidentally, when I asked him if he'd ever want to be like me, he told me no because he was a boy. I felt conflicted enough to persuade him to wear girls' clothes for the day to try. Since yukata is basically the same except differently patterned, he was pretty much just brightly adorned. I got pictures though and he likes sunflower patterns.)
Anyway, similarly, two-months-to-ten Itachi towers over the both of us, while Shisui at nearly seventeen is like this huge bendy tree swaying about and dropping the occasional coconut.
Itachi's face hasn't changed from his constipated look. He's trying to pry Sasuke away, but MUAHAHAHAHA he likes me beeetter! Nyeah!
I take Sasuke's hand in mine so he'll stop wrinkling the heirloom wedding kimono's sleeve and very carefully make my way through the gardens on my extremely high zori. Why they have a wedding kimono fitted for a child is a question I'd like to ask, but I'd rather not get into the fact that I'm mother. Pucking. Married.
(Sasuke's here so no swearing.)
Instead I'll just go stuff myself with dango, thankyouverymuch.
xXXx
Mikoto wonders if she rushed the whole engagement a little too much. Midori is good for her family, she can already tell. She's not afraid to oppose Fugaku, she loves her sons, and she especially will protect her youngest come hell and high water.
Not that Mikoto wouldn't be leading the charge should such a thing happen, but it is the one thing that tips her decision over in favour of having the young genius as her daughter-in-law.
Mikoto is a good kunoichi. She knows what Midori brings with her, the political power of the fourth branch and strength of a fire-wind alignment. With both husband and wife bearing dual alignments, there is no doubt that the children will have them. Although she had not passed down her secondary lightning to Itachi, he had inherited a secondary alignment from her, and it is a gift that has saved his life countless times.
But Mikoto is a mother first and foremost, the days as a genjutsu-wielding scourge upon Iwa put aside. She knows that Fugaku will always put the Clan first, even if he tries to steal what freedom he can for their sons. Midori is seemingly erratic, violent, uncouth and stubborn. Hardly a comfortable addition to their family.
Wrong.
What she is, to Uchiha Mikoto, is strong.
Strong enough to fight for her freedom herself, strong enough to stand up to the expectations and responsibilities of the Clan. Strong enough to cow the elders when they attempt to send her down the path they wish her to. Strong enough to stand firm in the face of disapproval, of mutterings and jealousy and what in a few years' time will become outright resentment.
The Clan Lady wonders when she stopped being that strong. Fugaku had confessed to falling in love with her strength and grace, but sometimes she wonders where that strength, that defiance has gone. She wonders where his strength and resolve had gone.
They'd had dreams once, to change the clan to put it on its path towards working with the Senju, to protecting Konoha and to nurturing the dream of their forefathers.
Where had that drive gone?
And that is why she decided to marry her son to Miyuki's daughter. To the strange outlier of the clan. To the baby who may or may not have been cursed or blessed by kami.
She hopes this girl will protect her children in a future she cannot see.
xXXx
It is not unusual for clan children to be engaged young. It is, however, strange for them to get married equally young. An engagement lasts perhaps a year or two between consenting adults, but child engagements last until both reach the age of adolescence at least.
Typically, that is.
But the decision to tie two families together is made by the heads of the respective families. The time is to determine whether the children will get along enough not to destroy each other. Uchiha Fugaku had been for the marriage the moment the engagement was made, but Mikoto's mind had not been decided until a few months ago.
Miyuki's mind had not decided until a few weeks ago.
At first, it was cute, watching this awkward boy following her daughter around like a duckling. Ceding to her, reluctantly getting pulled along into whatever disaster she had concocted. Then learning to stand his ground somewhat and not allow Midori to steamroll him entirely. It helped that he was more skilled than her, though not by much because he wasn't as attuned to destruction as she was, and less willing to injure.
Then it was really cute, watching the two walk through the compound with the youngest Uchiha carefully in tow. So cute that she'd bought an expensive camera and snapped pictures. Mikoto-san had given the boy good features, and thankfully he had yet to show any indication of those awful lines that his elder brother had.
But cute didn't cut it when Mikoto-san had approached her regarding marrying the two. She'd hardly had her little girl for long and they wanted her to give her away?!
Apparently Mikoto-san was going through a similar freakout, because Itachi was going to move out as well. He was going to stay next door instead of in her house so that he could be more independent now that he was a grown-ass man with a wife and family and everything.
Her heart weeps.
But seriously, her little girl is barely half a decade old, perhaps a little better than the average chunin, and NOT DONE WITH HER TRAINING. She has THINGS to teach her—THINGS she needs to teach her in the privacy and security of her home where she should be LIVING because she has a BEDROOM here and she has her STUFFED TOYS and NEW PINK SHIRTS and KIMONO. This is MIDORI-CHAN they're talking about here. Her little girl isn't ready to leave!
"Midori-chan, what would you do if I told you you'd have to move out?"
"I'll still come visit every day?"
"But what if you're going FAR, FAR AWAY?"
"That's not possible. I'm an Uchiha. We live in the compound and I'm of the fourth branch so I'd be living in the fourth branch's area unless I'm living with Itachi but Fugaku-sama's house is just down the street so I'd still be living nearby anyway."
"…Don't you want to stay here?"
"In Konoha? Of course."
"…"
xXXx
"What would you do if someone tried to take you away from me?"
"Shouldn't the question be what would you do?"
"…Just answer the question."
"…Well first I'd castrate them if they had anything to castrate, then I'm going to carve them up like a ham, then I'm going to roast them over a spit with my wire."
"…"
"After that, I'll l—"
"There's more?"
"I'm not done yet, mom."
"Okay, okay, go on…"
"After that I'll lay them out, slice their torso open and slowly take out their organs one by one and dangle them in front of their faces. Then I'll force feed him his balls if he has any and her ovaries if she has any. And then, I'll cut them into little cubes."
"…you have learnt well, my daughter."
xXXx
"Mikoto-san, just take her."
"You sure, Miyuki-san? I'd love to, but as you said, she's still young…"
"...Even if she isn't old enough, she's smart enough. Besides, I trust her."
xXXx
"Oh god where did she go now? It's her own bloody wedding reception! I want PICTURES dammit!"
"That's alright Miyuki-san, I got them. I'll make copies and pass them to you at our next meeting."
"Great! Make sure to pass them right in front of those old foggies, so that they know how cute my daughter is."
"Of course! Itachi-kun certainly looks a lot happier now! He doesn't spend as much time in his room fiddling with his hair anymore."
xXXx
Itachi made a strained face at his wife (his wife, his wife, his wife damnit) and said, "Mi-Midori-koi." Behind them, both their mothers cooed, prompting all the children except Sasuke to develop an eye tic.
"Ita…"Midori ground her teeth and huffed, "Ita-Itaaaaa…"
The newly-weds exchanged looks of irritation as Shisui mouthed along. Almost immediately, Miyuki and Mikoto slapped his head down into the table.
Midori huffed but spat out, "Itachi-anata."
Again, the spouses exchanged completely appalled expressions whilst their mothers squealed…and Fugaku shut off the video recording with a solemn thumbs up.
xXXx
"…Can I die now? I want to die now."
"Miyuki-oba-san said if you try to kill yourself she'll show the video to the general public."
"If I'm dead it wouldn't matter, right?"
"…"
"…oh yeah I forgot Edo Tensei."
"Yeah."
So now they're more tightly bonded than a flimsy (snort) engagement. What are they going to do? Will Itachi kill Midori? Will he spare her? Will he BRING HER ALONG WITH HIM?
Or will he kill her then exorcise her spirit so she can haunt him no more even before the massacre?
...
Hn.
Memory25