So...this is probably the chapter I start begging forgiveness. Because I put the wrong warning on my summary. I'm not writing crack sorry. I'm writing Uchiha, which actually means utterly deranged instead of cracked.
As it so happens, I had not realized that until it started smacking me in the face and this chapter was absolutely horrifying to write so obviously it's going to be absolutely horrifying to read for you guys. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know where I went wrong with this baby but obviously it turned into a face-eating monster. I can't even look away.
I didn't even really want to put it up, but it insisted and so...yeah.
If someone can actually gimme a better idea I will love you, but for now please...enjoy...this chapter.
By the way, I didn't edit this because *urp*.
I should probably put a proper warning right?
WARNING: The dark side has invaded. All crack bases were actually Uchiha bases, and that means Cthulhu is lurking down there.
It's actually tradition for an Uchiha wedding night to go all sorts of wrong. There's the typical fight where the wife ambushes the husband and tries out all sorts of Kunoichi tricks on him for, well…study. And then there's the sort of regular where the wife ambushes the husband and ties him up naked upside down from the ceiling. And then there's the sort where there's mutual scarring on both sides and the bride and groom separate right after.
…Of course, there almost always is a baby popping out nine months later so you can probably conclude that the wedding night was effective.
On the third scenario, if the lucky couple decides that they seriously cannot stand each other, they will live together under the supervision of their parents and bring up the child with until he or she reaches genin. Of course, that means two pairs of elderly shinobi from (most of the time) different branches living under the same roof.
By the way, if you're worried about the kid, don't bother. It is not in the Uchiha blood to abandon our children. This is our future you're talking about, you know? We might hate our peers with the passion of a thousand suns, but we look upon the next generation as our very own. I mean, technically, I'm supposed to be the scion of the fourth branch and thus only the fourth branch need bother with me, but the number of well-meaning aunts and uncles who've snuck me snacks, scrolls, extra equipment, and even the odd training session cannot be counted. The eleventh branch—Kagatsu-sensei's branch, seems to have unofficially adopted me.
(Just so you know, Kagatsu-sensei is nice, but the rest of his brethren are typical eleventh branch sadistic bastards.)
So the kid grows up of both branches instead of just the father's and pretty much doted on by two branches. The only drawback here would be that he can't assume any position of political power because there's a conflict of interest. Or, as Elder Kawa says: 'divided loyalties'.
…Yeah, that totally makes sense.
But back to the wedding night.
Specifically, the wedding night of one Uchiha Itachi and Uchiha Midori.
xXXx
"Get if off, get if off!"
"Stop wriggling, I can't see—ow!"
"Can't we just cut the damn thing?!"
"You know we can't, Just hold still…"
Fwoop.
"Oh thank Kami, I thought my shoulders were going to cave in. It's only the outermost layer and I can already feel the difference…"
"Did Miyuki-oba-san tie an obi for every layer?"
"Yep. She's really trying to make it hard for the both of us, huh?"
"…"
xXXx
When the final layer was undone, Midori pulled it off unceremoniously and dumped it on the floor, along with all the damn itchy combs in her hair. Unfortunately, they'd had to put a wig because of the shortness of her hair, but it was better than having to deal with it all the time instead of some of the time. Under all those layers, she had on a white silk negligee foisted upon her by her mother, and panties of course. Well, silk is pretty comfortable so she'll probably be wearing the too-adult sleepwear often.
To her right, Itachi stood patiently, still fully dressed.
On closer inspection, she realized that his arms were shaking quite a bit.
Cracking her neck, the girl set to work.
xXXx
When the two were finally, finally free from the confines of their suffocating costumes, both heaved a sigh of relief. Itachi sat on the enormous bed in just a pair of briefs, while Midori hugged a pillow, feeling as if she were about to collapse.
And then she did collapse—because her husband had taken a deep breath, shucked off his underwear, and pushed her over.
Then he put one hand under the negligee.
What followed was something like the finale of a Mortal Kombat round. Itachi had barely lifted his intruding hand before he was bashed in the face, chest, gut in rapid succession, and then sent flying into the air by an uppercut so perfect it deserved a resounding "KKKKKKKK-OOOOOOHHHHH!" The landing was decidedly not soft, despite the bed taking up nearly every part of the room, because he had somehow been tossed beyond the expanse of soft sheets and right at the doorway.
The foolish groom could only groan and cradle his aching head as his wife hissed and burrowed under the covers.
"What the fuck, Itachi?!" The winner of the Wedding Night fight ground out, feeling extremely regretful for the restriction against weapons in the wedding suite. If she could get ahold of even just one rusty shuriken…
"It's our wedding night," the boy-genius protested with a moan, utterly confused and a little indignant. Didn't Midori know what they were supposed to do? It was hard for him to imagine Miyuki-oba-san not preparing her daughter for something like that. She'd been nearly overzealous in instructing them on the rites, after all. "It's when newlyweds have sex in the hopes of receiving the blessing of a child," he elaborated, just in case she didn't know or needed a reminder.
The incredulous face wasn't very reassuring. "Are you even old enough to get it up?" Midori demanded with a disturbed expression. It was at least a step up from murderous.
"You mean have an erection?" he blinked. He looked down at his lap, "…I think so."
Slap!
He looked up, seeing that the girl had slapped herself in the face with full force. He wondered if she had finally gone round the bend.
"Well good for you, you early bloomer," she muttered into her hand. He was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to hear that.
Midori sighed wearily, looking as if she was giving up on something. She flopped back on the pile of pillows, "Did you even think about whether I am capable of bearing a child yet?"
…Oh.
"Oh," he echoed out loud.
He scratched his head.
"I've seen pregnant ten-year-olds," he offered.
There was a sort of horror-filled silence that meant he had said something he shouldn't have again and he deflated. It meant he'd gotten yet another social thing wrong and really, this was beginning to be more trouble than it was worth.
"Just…"Midori mumbled something into her pillow before raising her voice again, "Go put on some sleeping clothes and sit here." She patted the space beside her quietly.
"Yes…Midori-koi," Itachi agreed, making a face at the last part.
His wife snorts.
xXXx
Midori wonders if she'd gotten too complacent with her life. She keeps forgetting that this is a shinobi world and there are things like wars and rape and that Itachi, having fought in it, had seen his fair share of it. She wonders if sooner or later she'll get desensitized to things like that too and wonders if it'll be better or worse.
She's sort of happy that she can still be completely horrified by the idea of pregnant ten-year-olds, even if Itachi had said it in an utterly calm manner. On the other hand, it's a matter of clan pride that she does not allow it to affect her.
She snaps out of it when her husband who had just tried to have sex with her crawls onto the bed and sits obediently where she had indicated. He's carefully avoided touching her and is just kind of being a stiff statue now.
"Here," she says, lifting the covers so he can get under too. He looks at her like she's insane, but obeys all the same. She feels a lot better, because as long as this is a world where Uchiha Itachi obeys her, it's still safe and under control.
"So…," she drawls, turning on her side so she can drill holes into his forehead with her stare, "tell me about sex."
xXXx
"Tell me about sex."
Itachi blinks because that is a very open-ended question. He doesn't really know what she wants to know, and that can be dangerous because if he says the wrong thing again he might not survive. He waits for her to specify, but when silence is his answer, he sighs and goes once more into the breach.
"It's the act whereby a male puts his penis into a female's vagina and rocks his hips to achieve sufficient stimuli to make him come. The sperm in the semen released will seek out the female's egg and fertilize it, thereby creating a baby and achieving pregnancy."
There is another horror-filled silence which makes him flinch, but there seems to be no immediate repercussions except the painful expression on Midori's face, so he keeps silent.
"That…"she makes another complicated expression that he cannot interpret, "Okay, what do you know of rape?"
He blinks.
"Rape is the act of forcing another into performing sexual acts with oneself without consent or agreement."
He frowned, wondering how this was relevant to their discussion or the previous situation. Surely…Midori was not accusing him of attempting to rape her? They were husband and wife after all.
"Alright. So…what do you think is the age whereby a person has the maturity to give informed consent to such an act?"
He…had honestly never thought of it before… "The coming of age for civilians is 17 for commoners, 14 for nobles. For shinobi it is probably chunin, since that is when they are acknowledged as experienced enough to handle command."
"Annnd…?" the girl urged him, "Go on…?" She gestured at herself with a raised eyebrow.
"And…you…are…"he began, voice growing smaller and face turning paler as he continued, "not of age…"
She nodded.
"So this was supposed to be an unconsummated marriage until you came of age?" He closed his eyes in pain.
When she nodded, he turned his face into the pillow, intent on smothering himself into oblivion.
xXXx
"Sorry," he told her when he finally stopped shaking. She really didn't want to ask about what sort of memories he was recalling.
But wasn't that what marriage was for? Share the burden and all that.
"It's fine," she told him, even if she was never going to reveal that he had traumatized her with the sight of his tiny pee-pee and that she was probably never going to be able to have sex for the rest of her life now. There went her wish to have 3 cute babies. "You didn't know."
He just sighed.
"SO!" She exclaimed, making him jump, "Let's forget that utterly awful experience and talk about something else. Since we're married, you should share your deepest, darkest secrets with me now. And I'll do the same, of course."
He blinked.
"I have a life-threatening illness that occasionally appears in the first branch. Previous records show that the bearer may survive until the age of 30 on average."
…What.
"What," Midori deadpanned.
"Only those who made jounin or had greater chakra capacity were able to exceed that limit," he continued obliviously, "Some even lived lifespans equivalent to regular shinobi."
Oh.
"Oh," she echoed.
Wait a minute…
"Is this why you're always training like crazy?" She exclaimed, feeling as if the ground had collapsed under her feet. Her mind raced, linking facts and…huh.
"Father says I should strive to reach S-rank, that way the elders will not be able to oppose my retirement from the active force," Itachi explained, voice warmer now that he knew there was not going to be another battle. He gave a small almost-smile as he thought about finally retiring from the shinobi life.
That…made all sorts of sense, Midori realized with a start. It wasn't that she had underestimated a genius' abilities, but it didn't really make sense if said genius wasn't very motivated. Itachi had gone through the war and come out so traumatized that he'd instantly decided that the pacifist life was for him, but had still made ANBU and ANBU Captain in almost record time. There had to have been a reason for that, or he'd just turn into a Nara.
But…the illness had continued despite Itachi being indisputably S-rank. The S-rank to beat other S-ranks, in fact.
So…either someone had gotten something wrong…or his own parents were lying to him about the cause.
"…Who else knows about this?"
"Just my parents. We can't have it getting out that the Clan heir is weakened."
"So how did you seek treatment? Who were the ones who researched this illness? I want to see those records."
"…It was discovered at my birth, it is why when I reached the age of five, Father decided to activate my Sharingan. It's also thanks to that that I managed to survive the Kyuubi. The records were written by Uchiha medics from the first branch. Not even other branch members know of them."
Did Itachi hear himself? Uchiha medics from the first branch? There were no Uchiha medics from the first branch. That meant that these so-called 'records' were either absolutely false, or completely unreliable because they were written by half-assed 'medic-nin'.
And I didn't get that wrong, right? Fugaku decided to activate his son's Sharingan at five?
"I'm your wife now, I want to see them."
"…Alright."
"What kind of illness is it?"
"It's my heart. There's a defect."
…
…
…
"Itachi-anata, what do you know about medical jutsu? And what do you know about congenital heart defects? And what do you know about your congenital heart defect?"
"I know the Mystical Palm jutsu and a basic diagnostic one. I know that heart defects are untreatable."
"…Itachi-anata."
"…Yes, Midori-koi?"
"We're going to Konoha Hospital tomorrow."
"!..."
xXXx
Itachi heaved a sigh of relief as his wife drifted off to sleep. They had argued back and forth, Midori completely adamant that he submit himself to a medical examination at the hospital. She refused to tell him the reason, claiming that she needed to verify something first before she could explain. He didn't understand why she couldn't understand that he couldn't allow something like this to be known to the public.
(He resaid the entire statement in his mind again before nodding firmly.)
She had assured him that she knew someone who would keep it completely under wraps, but…he had no other argument and so he had had to cave despite disagreeing completely.
He wasn't sure how he felt that the first and second arguments he had had with his wife ended with his failure.
xXXx
A heart defect.
A congenital heart defect.
A fucking congenital heart defect.
Either Konoha was going to start getting better medical technology and treatments or she was going to start fucking inventing some.
And the first test dummy is going to be her utterly idiotic husband.
Heart defect her non-existent saggy breasts.
And so Itachi's supposedly terminal, incurable illness is not cancer but a congenital heart defect. Some of which are actually correctable by surgery, which Midori knows because she's Midori, and not because she's interested in becoming an Iryonin.
Some people are going to ask where all this is going now...which I have to answer I have absolutely no clue.
Why did I add rape into this fic? Because despite how lighthearted I have started out, like all stories there are downs. I may have managed to smooth over a lot of the murky parts of Shinobi life (like Itachi's child soldier look) with humor, but some things just basically slap you so hard you can't quite get over it no matter how hard you try. I hope you sort-of feel that way too (some combination of horror-black humor-nausea) because that is exactly how I felt writing this and really, I'm just spreading it to you because I don't want to suffer alone.
So now there are new questions on top of all the others:
Is Itachi going to die of his sickness now or not?
How will it affect the coup?
Are Fugaku and Mikoto lying?
Am I going to take down this chapter and rewrite it because it sickens me? (Currently no, though I seriously hope so)
As for whether or not the congenital heart defect thing actually makes sense...you'll have to wait for the explanation in the next chapter.
Memory25
P.S
I completely forgot! I intended to rec a fic here because I found this and seriously think it doesn't have enough readership. It's The Other One by I've got Rhythm in my Soul and frankly it's beautifully awkward. The fandom is Bleach though, so all you non-Bleach fans can give it a pass. :) The only thing I find a lil difficult is that the majority of the story starts out with all the words in the centre instead of, y'know, on the left. Other than that there are so many cute scenes that kind of make you want to blush and laugh like an idiot at the same time. ;P
Other than that, it seems my reaction was kind of an overreaction. All of you rock and apparently I need to be more stone. Maybe it's just because I'm the worst critic of my own work. :)