I've recently realised that I thought Tsuna's birthday was the 24th of October, not the 14th and so in the previous chapter, mentioning that Mukuro was eleven days early for Christmas, it's supposed to twenty one, as the date then would have been the 4th of December! I'll change it when I can, but sorry for any confusion!

Chapter Five "Please tell me you aren't naked and tied up in ribbons."

Day Fifty-Eight (One month, twenty eight days)

"Please tell me you aren't naked and tied up in ribbons," Tsuna began, his voice exasperated, "but if you are, does it have to be in my office. On my desk?"

"Isn't it obvious, Tsuna-chan?" Byakuran simpered, arching his body (and oh god, did Tsuna choke, undignified, here, quickly averting his eyes) . "I have to leave the country in two days and won't be back in time for Christmas. So, I thought I should be generous and give you your present early. And this way, you can enjoy it all. By. Yourself."

"I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with what you said." (In fact, Tsuna reckons he could write a comprehensive list, turn it into a powerpoint and then make it a presentation so no one would ever do this again). "But I have to know, how did you get tied up like that?" (He'd glanced over from the corner of his eye and was hard fought not to stare in interest at the delicate...knot work... or gag.)

"Irie-san helped me." Byakuran had the gall to sound proud.

(Considering the Millefiore Leader was dressed in nothing but flimsy ribbons, Tsuna felt so, so sorry for Irie Shouichi. Tsuna personally would have passed out halfway from embarrassment or something. He shudders when he thinks about how Byakuran must've convinced him to go ahead with it.)

"Well, can he help you get out of it? Or away from here?"

"Oh, Tsuna-chan, you want me in your bedroom? How daring of you. If you call Irie-san I'm sure he'll be glad to help you get your perfect Christmas present where you want it!"

"Sure..." Tsuna nodded and slowly backed out of the room, resolving in not going back in there until Byakuran was far away. (He wondered what went on in Byakuran's mind, considering Christmas was two weeks away. Then again, all of his unwarranted suitors didn't seem to care for the concept of time and still accosted him in the name of holidays.

Tsuna found it both annoying and alarming.

He still snorted when he heard Byakuran calling after him and consequently, the thud of him hitting the floor as he fell off the desk.)

Day Sixty (Two months)

"I-I'm flattered, really, but I think we should reconsider the meeting arrangements," Tsuna quickly stammered out to the man on the other side of his (replaced) desk.

(Reborn hadn't complained when Tsuna removed the last one, based on the grounds Byakuran's naked body had been on it. Though, Reborn had made a noise close to a laugh at the time and then dragged Tsuna away while ignoring his protests, under the pretence they would be desk shopping.

Since arguing meant possibly losing a limb – or his dignity (basically nothing he wanted to lose) – Tsuna reluctantly agreed. But only because he wanted to keep himself uninjured, safe from emotional scars and to avoid his paperwork.)

"Perhaps dinner is too forward." The young man across Tsuna smiled indulgently to himself. "Coffee instead?"

"H-How about we stay here and talk about it without the talk of dates?" Tsuna asked hopefully. "The contracts are here. We can even have coffee and food here. We don't need to make it...extravagant?"

"Of course we have to. All the better to make negotiations with." Tsuna had to stop himself from shuddering at the syrupy sweet voice the other gave him and leaned back without trying to seem noticeable.

Unfortunately, his impromptu movement was caught and the man reached across the desk to take hold of Tsuna's hand in both of his, thumb rubbing small circles into the back of Tsuna's hand. "I think our negotiations would go much more smoothly if we had some...personal time together."

(Tsuna had been hoping the insanity he'd faced since his twenty fourth birthday was confined to the people he already determined as friends and close acquaintances. Turns out he was horribly, horribly wrong. This sleazy, Italian man was flirting with him. Badly.)

Swallowing the urge to gag, Tsuna extracted his hand much less gracefully than he had intended, jerking back violently enough for his hand to bounce against his shoulder before he quickly folded them together in front of him, on his (new) desk.

The man across him (Tsuna couldn't even remember his name, with his thoughts frantic about being molested or accosted) pouted in such a way that Tsuna, hysterically might he add, was suddenly reminded of Mukuro. Or Byakuran. Too many people around him pouted with frightening efficiency. This pout wasn't one of those. For some reason it was creepier on this man, only a few years older than Tsuna, than the pouts of the men he already knew, also a few years older than Tsuna.

(It took all of Tsuna's willpower, not to press his face into his hands and sob at how this was now his life. He might have done it if he was alone. He was afraid – afraid he was a mafia boss for goodness sake – that the man opposite would take advantage somehow.)

"We stay here." Tsuna said his voice firmer than he actually felt. (He felt like a shortcake; soft and likely to crumble at a touch.)

"Oh, Tsuna," the man purred, and that was it. Standing abruptly, Tsuna pointed towards the door.

"Negotiations will be held through one of my senior members. No actual work has been done here other than your attempts to get me to go somewhere with you, which is suspicious in itself as I would be unguarded and in a possibly compromising position. I will call for someone to escort you outside; I will give you that time to contact a way to return to your family until we can arrange for a more suitable date in a more suitable venue with someone else other than me."

Tsuna walked around the desk and passed the man.

That was his first mistake.

His second was shrieking in indignation and embarrassment as his backside was firmly and quite leisurely groped by his companion.

(It was a mistake in that the door to the office was torn open in record time and for a few days; Tsuna was forced to deal with scorch marks in the lush carpet, holes in the ancient wall and a broken – god was it expensive to replace – crystal chandelier.

On the plus side, the next day there was a contract of negotiation with reasonable terms and all Tsuna had to do was sign it gleefully. He still didn't know what happened to the man, Antonio as he was informed, but then again, no one would tell him who exactly rushed in to save him from his situation and so he couldn't guess what happened to the poor informant. Nothing good, hopefully, but you didn't hear that from Tsuna.)

Day Sixty-Three (Two months, three days)

It was distressingly obvious that Christmas was creeping closer. Mukuro, who was the star of his own show all the time, had caught Tsuna off guard with how early he was in expressing his enthusiasm for the holiday season a few days earlier.

(Tsuna shuddered as he remembered the incident and the wrath that was brought down upon his head as a result of damages. Reborn was not human, he was certain.)

Now, the rest of the people he associated with suddenly realised it was Christmas and Tsuna was terrified for his wellbeing.

(Apparently Christmas was the season of romance. If that was the case, Tsuna was going to disappear long before Valentine's Day swung about and return in March maybe. He felt he earned the right to have an exotic vacation to keep himself bodily intact.)

Before this, he'd never been suspicious or even remotely concerned about Christmas. In fact, the only problem he'd ever had before his gut wrenching discovery of everyone he'd ever come in contact inadvertently falling in love with him (like he was the lead in a shoujo comic, like Haru used to read in school) was what gift to get each individual.

Now his problems were endless. In fact he'd had a small notebook with each little thing that happened that had never happened since his discovery.

(It had since upgraded to a much larger notebook. Then two. And then he gave up, shredded the pages one by one, burned the remains, and felt his control of the situation slip away. It was almost hilarious. The atmosphere was so dim, that he'd had his Guardians join him in as he burned a bonfire in the backyard, as if it were some sort of funeral. He hadn't even invited them.)

He wished Christmas would pass by quickly so he wouldn't have to endure anymore kisses in the name of festivity.

Case in point, his current situation.

"H-Hibari!" Tsuna screeched, trying to shove his shirt back into a respectful place, fingers fumbling over broken buttons (caused by Hibari ripping his shirt open in callous haste.) "I-I'm fairly certain kissing under the mistletoe is restricted to faces only!"

A shiver ran down his spine as Hibari simply stared at him from where his mouth was pressed just to the side of Tsuna's bellybutton. And then that blank expression darkened and Tsuna let out an obscenely loud, startled yelp as Hibari bit down. Hard.

"Oh my god, Hibari!" Tsuna's voice was unnaturally high, pitching octaves he didn't know he could reach, and he wasn't above sacrificing his shirt as he unceremoniously hip checked Hibari in the face so he could make a strategic escape, face bright red in a mortified blush.

(There was another strange experience as he systematically removed every single piece of mistletoe he found and burnt it, similar to his notebook. Again, people gathered. He didn't know why.

The next day the mistletoe was back.

Tsuna stared at it dismally where it hung in his bedroom doorframe and couldn't even muster a smile as Nana drifted by and kissed his cheek in lieu of the tradition.)

Day Sixty-Four (Two months, four days)

"Tsu-kun!" Nana called out softly, catching the attention of her son as he trudged out of his office, hair wild and clothes askew.

(It's not what you're thinking. He'd fallen asleep at his desk due to the war in his bed the night before because of the mark on his stomach. Since Hibari had made one, everyone wanted to give Tsuna kisses in inappropriate places. It had been a fight to keep his clothes on and intact.)

"Mama," Tsuna offered warmly, running a hand through his hair and shuffling sheepishly as she adjusted his shirt collar for him, fussing quietly. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"I'm okay Tsu-kun, I know you're busy. I'm looking for papa if you've seen him, but I've also got something for you." Nana rooted through the bag perched on her shoulder that she'd taken to carrying around. Eventually she crowed in success, Tsuna smiling at the soft noise as she pulled out an envelope, one corner slightly crumpled, offering it to Tsuna with a bright smile.

"Kyoko-chan, sweet girl, dropped this off for you. She doesn't know your address! Seems such a shame when her brother lives here and such..."

(Tsuna didn't mention that it might be more dangerous for Kyoko that way, in terms of rival families and finding weaknesses. He still felt the characteristic flutter of happiness in his chest at the mention of her.)

Accepting the envelope, Tsuna read the front, where his name was written in neat lettering, kanji. Curious, he peeled it open carefully and withdrew a letter which he promptly unfolded with the ease of practice and skimmed over quickly, mouthing the words to himself.

The terror hit as sudden and serious as a heart attack. (Tsuna wasn't even exaggerating this time.)

"A class reunion! How lovely!" Nana declared happily, reading around Tsuna's shoulder. "No wonder Kyoko-chan had some for the others too. It's in January too, which is good timing, hmm Tsu-kun? When we leave after New Year's, you can come with us! Oh, it'll be lovely to have you home again!"

(If Nana hadn't have been there, Tsuna would have shredded the letter and forgotten it existed. Now he felt obligated to go because not only did he want to disappoint his mother, but he actually really wanted to go home. Where he wouldn't be here with the others. Oh, of course some of his Guardians would be there but...if he kept he quiet...

Tsuna felt himself salivating at the thought of freedom for even a few days and had to quickly bring the back of his wrist up to his mouth to stop himself from dribbling.)

"Of course mama! Did you want me to take the other letters off your hands? I'm due to have a meeting with the others today at some point..."

"Don't worry about it Tsu-kun. I gave the others to Reborn." Nana smiled sweetly as if she hadn't just crushed Tsuna's meagre dreams of finally having a bed to himself and peace and quiet and nobody who might fondle him in the night.

(Chrome was getting good at doing it discreetly. When he thought it was Mukuro, and actually Chrome, Mukuro would be stupidly proud even as Tsuna scolded him and her both. Gently, gently. He didn't want to frighten Chrome or tempt Mukuro to do worse.)

"R-Right..." Tsuna nodded and leaned down to kiss her cheek softly. "If you get lost, don't be frightened to ask someone for help. Papa...I spoke to him this morning but I haven't seen him since."

(Iemitsu was getting into impromptu fights with his 'suitors' as Iemitsu liked to call them with a twist of his lip, and Tsuna was fine with that, so long as it didn't result in another Yamamoto incident i.e. hand in pants. Tsuna could only just look his Rain Guardian in the eye now without turning red.)

Nana bid him farewell, soft smile still playing about her lips and said without a hesitation, "In my opinion, Reborn would be a good man for you, though the others too...ah, what it must be like to be young again..."

Tsuna spluttered uncontrollably, didn't grace that with a response and quickly absconded with a hurried goodbye.

Day Sixty-Seven (Two months, seven days)

At an ungodly hour of the morning, Tsuna felt himself get moved and grumbled quietly. Whoever was holding him shushed him gently, soothingly and Tsuna shifted to get comfortable before he felt himself start to drift again, lulled by the movements of being carried.

And then he realised he was being kidnapped. (Man-napped the childish part of his brain substituted. He was no child anymore. He was a man. Who regularly got treated as otherwise.)

Following that he let out an unholy shriek of indignation and started kicking and thrashing with all of his skinny might.

There was sudden brightness and a roar of; "Put down the tenth right now!"

"Something is happening to the extreme!"

"Maa, maa, what time is it? Gokudera-kun, you're loud!"

"All of you shut up before I bite you to death!"

"B-Boss, Lambo-kun, his bazooka - !"

"Giotto-san." Reborn was the voice of reasoning the cacophony of noise and protest. "If you value your life and limb, you'll put Tsuna down. Better yet, give him to me. Now."

(Of course Reborn would be just as crazy as the rest of them, Tsuna thought despondently, no longer thrashing when he realised no matter what, Giotto was not letting him go. Giotto graced his acquiescence with a bright smile and then promptly kicked someone in the face to get free and run off, Tsuna still in his arms.

Tsuna just settled in and tried to get some more sleep as he bounced up and down with Giotto's fast paced jog. Maybe they'd act less like children if they saw him asleep. When at first he wondered why his Guardians and various assorted bed mates didn't immediately follow, Giotto cheerfully told him that his own Guardians – some of them – and Cozart were helping with the kidnapping currently in progress.

Tsuna silently despaired, but lamented that it was a good time to sleep with having to worry about being crushed under a dozen or so bodies.

He didn't sleep. It lasted five minutes before Giotto was violently rugby tackled and Tsuna went flying far enough to smack his head off the wall and get a black eye and concussion. Reborn was so angry that he'd let himself get kidnapped, he'd had to go to Ryohei for help.)

Day Sixty-Eight (Two months, eight days)

"What're you doing?!" Tsuna's voice broke in panic as he scrambled to get out of the shower as fast as he could, mostly (okay, entirely) because Xanxus had just climbed in behind him, unabashed.

"Getting clean, what does it look like trash?"

(Like he was naked but if Tsuna pointed that out, something might happen.)

"Haven't you got your own bathroom?" Tsuna's voice was still embarrassingly squeaky but he'd since learned that if he shrieked, objects would be broken, dignity would be stolen.

"I want to use this one." Xanxus stepped closer to duck his head under the spray and Tsuna made the noise of a slowly exhaling balloon, body shrinking in a similar manner.

"I-I'm almost done, can you wait?"

"Huh?!" Xanxus stared down at him, intimidating, even with his hair flattened and eyes squinted from water and soapy suds. Tsuna kept his eyes face level and decidedly above waist level, his own hands nervously hovering in front of himself.

"What, do you need help washing?" Xanxus reached out and Tsuna's resolve shattered into a million tiny, tiny pieces. Without preamble, he ducked underneath Xanxus' arms and would have made an impressive escape if he hadn't then slipped, tipped forward and smacked his head against the edge of the sink.

(At least he was unconscious while Xanxus obviously ogled him – though he wasn't sure if that was a good thing – but even the Varia leader wasn't stupid enough to leave a head wound unattended. Apparently he was stupid enough to bring Reborn into the mix though.)

Day Sixty-Nine (Two months, nine days)

"Are you in an abusive relationship with your admirers-suitors-whatever they are?" Iemitsu hissed as he fell into the seat next to Tsuna so suddenly that the younger man flinched violently away to the side.

"W-What?"

"Every injury that happens on the grounds gets recorded, as well as who tended the injury. You've been in that book an awful lot this week."

"I-It's not that they're abusive..."

"What is it then?"

Tsuna swallowed, debated his words and then said, resignedly, "They're over enthusiastic in showing their affection."

"Are you using protection?"

"Not like that papa!" Tsuna all but shouted; face firing up as he jerked to his feet, fingers quickly fiddling with his tie. "They just don't like...sharing. And they tend to invade my personal space at inopportune times and...well, there's a lot of people involved. I'm clumsy. I fall over."

"So you're not getting injured from rigorous, unprotected sex?" Iemitsu asked seriously, face calm even as Tsuna choked on nothing at all, face burning hotter as he gestured wildly and ineffectively.

"Dad!" Tsuna was mortified. Horrified. Disgusted. Intrigued? (NO. Don't even think about it. Choose one, you choose them all Tsuna, you can't handle that, step down while you're ahead, staying a virgin is the safest option.)

"So that's a no?"

"That is most definitely a no!"

The calm, serious facade dropped and Iemitsu swore, muttering, "I just lost that bet then."

Tsuna threw his arms above his head as he gave up, and then pressed his face into his hands and sank back into his seat, shoulders trembling.

(People were betting about his sex life. This thing was getting seriously out of control. Though, a traitorous part of his mind offered, you were never in control.)

Day Seventy-One (Two months, eleven days)

Tsuna felt a little trepidation about Christmas Eve. It wasn't so much he hated the event, but the fact that he was woken up because a bag of Christmas cards were dumped unceremoniously on his chest.

With the express (frightening) order to open them by Hibari, Tsuna sat up and pulled out an envelope, brightly coloured, decorated garishly, large. He opened it, his nervousness scrambled up several notches as he unveiled the card, slightly heavy. The reason was obvious when he opened it.

"Tsuna-chan! It's your forever love Byakuran here! Oh, I couldn't be there for Christmas and I offered you your present but obviously you'll have to wait until New Year's to have it. Sigh. Don't worry about missing me! As soon as we get back, I'm going to *BEEP* with you and then we're going to *BEEP* *BEEP* and then maybe breakfast before we *BEEP* and *BEEP* with a *BEEP* because I'm in the perfect neighbourhood to buy some *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP and some other stuff like *BEEP* because I want Tsuna-chan to have a good time! Don't have too much fun without me! Mwah!"

Tsuna was caught between shock, horror and amazement as he held the card with the pre-recorded message between slack fingers. The card dropped to his lap, precariously close to opening again to spew its unholy contents into the world once more.

(Tsuna wanted to curl back into bed and hope he didn't have nightmares from what he'd just experienced. Thankfully, after that incident, he only opened predetermined cards who he knew the recipient. Mukuro still managed to get him a card bigger than his head that had a pair of fuzzy handcuffs in the envelope.

The terror that engulfed Tsuna as Mukuro, Hibari and Reborn tucked their heads to whisper together over the handcuffs was overwhelming and he wondered if he could make it to the door before he was caught.)

(If you were interested, he managed to get his fingers around the handle and consequently ripped it from the socket when he was grabbed and yanked away from his bid of freedom.)

Day Seventy-Two (One month, twelve days)

Because of horrific events that cannot be repeated due to the travesty of it all (really, Tsuna was weeping by the end of it, tears of literal blood) an agreement was made and signed and copied and kept for the records that nobody, nobody would ever speak of or re-enact what had happened on Christmas Day. All security recordings, evidence and everything that came into contact with the catastrophe were either burned, disinfected or gotten rid of as biohazard waste.

Tsuna just wished the memory of it all could be scrubbed as easily out of his brain as it could be scrubbed out of the floorboards.

(To be fair, even now there was a stain of dubious origin still noticeable on the wood.)

Hey! It's been a while and its exam season again by the time I got here lol. HOPE IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT! SORRY FOR THE WAIT THOUGH, REALLY!