Chapter 18: His Place, the Stage, and Beyond Part I
I hide behind a rack of chairs, and everyone gets ready. We are on in just a couple minutes.
"Sakura! Are you ready?" Takako calls out to me.
"Yeah, I'll be right there!" I call back sticking a pill in my mouth and chasing it down with a swig from my flask.
We make our way onto the stage and take our places. I am in the center, Takako is to my right, and Yumi is to my left. The lights are dim as the curtain is drawn. I take a deep breath and begin.
Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be
"The Cultural Festival is this Saturday, Sakura-senpai! Are you guys ready?" Haru-kun asks me as we all get up to leave the auditorium.
"Oh, I'm ready," I lie to him swallowing a pill. My third pill today. "I must be building a tolerance for these things."
"Very convincing, but I can see the sarcasm dripping from your mouth," he chuckles handing me a napkin. "Some of your water missed your mouth. Do you need a sippy-cup, senpai?"
"I need food."
I hear them all leave the school as I take my time at my locker. I contemplate stopping somewhere near home to get food on the train but decide on just polishing off the bag of chips I have sitting in my pantry. To my joy I see a familiar car parked in front of my building.
"What do you want? I didn't ditch today!"
"I know and as a reward I am taking you out to dinner," Sesshomaru answers with a smirk. "Let's hurry because I can hear your stomach over the sound of my engine."
"Okay, I'll be back in ten," I say heading to my apartment so that I can change out of my uniform. I note the formality in his attire and slip on a little black dress with a low-cut back. I realize that I spent too much time contemplating an outfit and run out of my apartment in a hurry.
Once I am in his car he speeds off in the direction of the building that houses Mushin's Bistro. He hands the keys to the valet and we head to the fourteenth floor. The usual beginning routine of going to dinner runs its course. When the waiter leaves with our order, Sesshomaru turns his inquisitive eyes on me.
"How are you?"
"Me? I'm fine, and you?"
"I would be better if I knew you were being honest. The other day your prescription bottle looked denser. At the end of class when you pulled it out it sounded noticeably lighter."
"Would you rather I assume the fetal position and scream bloody murder every day after class?"
"I would rather you talk to me. Your therapist said you should begin communicating when you're ready."
"Yeah, when I am ready. That won't be until later."
"When is later?"
"It's just… later."
"Are the feelings coming more frequently because of the Cultural Festival?"
"Well, no…" I trail off.
"Then why has my girlfriend suddenly become a drug-addict?"
"Sesshomaru, the pills just aren't as affective as they once were."
"So you are doubling up on doses? Does Yuzuki-sama know?"
"I haven't run that by her, but the label doesn't say anything about exceeding a certain amount in twenty-four hours."
"Sakura, this is dangerous."
"Both ways are dangerous for me. It's just this way is more bearable."
He does not have anything to say after that. He just takes a long sip of his wine. I find myself staring at the glass in his hand and rolling the possibilities around in my head.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Trying to find another way. One without the need for something made in a lab," I lie knowing it is what he would want to hear.
Dinner goes smoothly after that. We change subjects and talk about lighter topics. After our meal he takes me home.
"Umm… Uh-oh," I say unraveling my wristlet.
"What's wrong?"
"My key isn't in the pocket I normally have it in. It isn't in any of the slots either," I say a little panicked.
"Would there be anyone in your building who can let you into your apartment?"
"No, the super is on vacation."
"I see," he says starting up the engine.
"What are you doing?"
"You can stay at my place for tonight. We'll leave early so that we can stop by here before school and pick up your uniform."
My eyes are wide, and my face is heating up. "Stay the night at his place?!" It should not be a huge deal. He has stayed at my place before, and we even shared a bed. Still, I am nervous, and even more nervous when we pull up to this lavish building that he should not be able to afford on a teacher's salary; even one that works at Shikon Academy.
"You live here?"
"No, I live in the alleyway right there," he playfully says gesturing next to the building.
He passes his keys to the valet attendant, and places his hand on my lower back to lead me into the building. I shiver when his thumb rubs the bare skin that is exposed thanks to my low-back LBD. He notices and smirks down at me. We pass through the marble lobby and ride one of the elevators up to the nineteenth floor. The doors open to a long hallway brightly lit by three chandeliers. There are only two doors on each side, and they are spaced widely apart. He leads me to the one in the back left.
Sesshomaru opens the door and allows me to step in first. His apartment has a very modern/contemporary feel. Placing his hand on the bare skin of my lower back, he leads me through his penthouse suite. The foyer is a short hallway that leads to a large living room with a fireplace and floor to ceiling windows. The living room connects to a large kitchen on the left. On the right, past the fireplace, is an arch that leads to another hallway with two doors on opposite ends. He ignores the door on the right and heads for the door on the left leading me to his bedroom.
"You can sleep here tonight. I'll sleep on the couch."
"No, stay with me," I just about command looking into his eyes.
"Very well. I'll return so that you can get ready in private."
With that he leaves me alone in his room to prepare for bed.
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah
I sing into the microphone. Yumi and Takako acting as backup vocals. Here, I can let go. I pour every ounce of emotion into every word. I sing my desires at the top of my lungs.
I cannot sleep. Sesshomaru is sleeping soundly next to me with his arm around my waist. My back is to him. I should feel protected and safe like I usually do when I am with him. I believed that I would sleep better like the last time we shared a bed, but I am restless. Quietly, I slip out of bed being careful to not disturb him. I silently redress so that I am wearing my clothes but have his t-shirt over the revealing garment. I glance at him sorrowfully as I exit his room.
"Yes, from the Sky Palace to 610 West First Street. Thank you."
I set the phone back down and head for the door. As I pass the kitchen something catches my eye. There is a mini-bar built into the kitchen island. I open the double-doors to reveal various wines and spirits; many of them are dusty from being forgotten for a long time. Without a second thought I grab a bottle of vodka from the back and wrap it in a paper bag. I clutch my looted treasure to my chest as I make my way out of the apartment. Lucky for me, the night receptionist is passed out at her counter. I would have received one hell of a look from her. Pushing through the glass doors, I make my way to the cab waiting for me.
At the front door to my apartment I dig for the spare key that I have tucked into a crack in the doorframe. I let myself in and barely get the door shut before I find myself with my back pressed against it and sliding down. The sobs escape, and I cannot answer as to why they are here. They just are. Desperate, I unscrew the cap of the vodka that I commandeered from Sesshomaru's mini-bar. My face scrunches up at the taste, but the warm feeling of it burning through my throat is welcoming. I wipe my tears away and get up. Still desperate, I grab my myosotine bottle and swallow one pill.
The effects hit me hard—but good. It feels like I have been upgraded to an X-Potion. The sad and overwhelming urge to cry is gone, and all I feel is happy. Finally I lie down on my bed. My mind at ease, I fall asleep.
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by
"It is Tuesday morning," I think to myself crossing out Monday in my planner. The door slides open and in walks the apple of my eye. He scans the room and I watch his face become tense when his eyes land on me. "Yikes, apple woke up in an angry orchard."
I stifle a laugh at his expression. For some reason, I find it funny. He raises his eyebrows at me before turning and walking to his desk. I feel so giggly, and I could go on like this. I do. Everything is funny as the day plays out. I do not see it, but I feel the confused looks my classmates give me.
"So she's finally lost it," I hear Minami say to Motoko.
"Maybe her doctor has her on new drugs?"
"Nope, same bitter pills, ladies," I turn around and say to them with a smile. "Oh and Minami, you might want to eat the makeup I bought for you. Maybe it will make you beautiful on the inside."
The class gasps and stares at me with wide eyes. Some stifle snickers.
"You remember that?" is all Minami can say before she starts crying. Suddenly, I feel like a complete bitch. My high is gone. Before I can open my mouth to apologize to the girl she storms out of the classroom.
"You will be staying after school for detention," Nekoi-sensei says to me as he writes my name on the board. "Dammit."
Sesshomaru strides into the room at the start of sixth period. He looks from my name on the board to me and narrows his eyes. This class goes by all too fast, and now I sit in detention. On the plus side, I will miss a chunk of music club.
"Where did you go last night?" he asks standing in front of my desk.
"I went home."
"How did you get in?"
"The super came back from vacation early. He let me in."
"What would you have done if he wasn't there?"
"Camp out in the lobby."
"I don't understand you."
"I would've slept on a couch in the lobby until the receptionist showed up to call a locksmith for me."
"I don't mean that. I want to know why you left and without telling me."
"I knew you would try to stop me."
"Of course I will stop you. I want to know what compelled you to leave."
"I just had to," I say holding back the unwanted tears.
"If something is on your mind, you can talk to me. You don't have to hold it in to rot and fester inside of you."
"That's really nice of you," I say looking up at him. "But I still can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"I'm not ready to." "You think you can carry me, but I will just drag you down with me."
He sighs exasperatedly, "Sometimes, you are fine. There is life in you, and it's like spring is here with the sun constantly shining. I hate seeing you like this, and I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do to save you."
"Just leave me be. I can handle this."
"It doesn't appear that way."
"I made it out of the sanitarium, didn't I?" I adamantly say standing up. "My time here is served. I'm leaving."
I do not bother to go to Music Club for the remaining time. I head straight home; straight to my myosotine; straight to my bottle of alcohol.
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh
So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything
I learn how to adjust the dose of myosotine coupled with alcohol to better my results. I have perfected the duo so now I have more control over my actions and words, and I still get to feel the same high. However, with a good high comes a terrible crash. Luckily, I found that if I sleep before I fall from cloud nine I avoid the crash completely. The trick is to stay high as long as possible. As a result I have a flask hidden in my bag with my pills.
"The festival is tomorrow! Are you ready?" Haru-kun asks me.
"I'm super ready!" "Oh, I'm ready alright."
We leave the school together and part ways at the train station. I stop by the grocery store to obtain things for dinner, and I run into my absolute favorite person.
"Hello, anata," I playfully say as I walk up to him.
"You've been in really good spirits lately," he responds taking my hand and placing a kiss on my lips. "I'm glad but must question why."
"I thought really hard about what you said to me the other day. I no longer want to be a mess, so I've resolved to take control of the situation. I choose to be happy," I beam to him and receive a look of approval.
"Interesting, you bounce back like a super ball."
"I'm the bounciest. So… There is a dinner at my place that you never showed up to…"
"And?"
"You're coming over tonight," I say taking his shopping basket and putting the things back.
He leaves the grocery store first while I gather the things I need. We meet a block away from my place and head there together.
"Are you excited for tomorrow?" he asks watching me cook.
"Of course I am. I use to love performing. Will you be watching?"
"I'll use my powers as a teacher to get a seat in the front row."
"Ha, how is that going to work?"
"It is simple, I tell whomever to leave or they get detention."
"What if they're a parent?"
"I will give their child detention."
"Total abuse of power."
"But for a good reason."
We smile at each other, and it feels like we are one of those couples in a classic movie. After dinner, Sesshomaru leaves after giving me a tight embrace and a kiss.
"I will see you tomorrow," he says before waving goodbye.
Tomorrow is the big day.
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy
I turn from the T.V. when I hear a knock on the door. After the Cultural Festival I lingered for a while before heading home. I check the peephole to see Sesshomaru standing on the other side, so I open the door and let him in.
"That was a lovely performance, Sakura," he says deadpan.
"Is something wrong?"
"You were in such a hurry to leave that you forgot your bag behind the stage. Fortunately, Takako found it and passed it to me to give to you. Unfortunately, something slipped out," he says throwing my bag on the ground in front of me followed by my flask, which lands on top.
All I can do is gape at the pile.
"Your friend wanted to come here and approach you about this, but I believe it best for me to. In denial about it all, I took a sip in hopes that it wouldn't be alcohol in the container, but it was. Not just any alcohol, but a kind that would prove rather difficult to find on this part of the globe. Studer Swiss Classic has a unique taste; a far cry from bottom shelf brands."
"Sesshomaru…"
"You lied to me. You told me that everything is okay and you took my words to heart. I opened my home up to you, and you stole from me. What you stole enabled you to lie to me. This is exhausting, Sakura, and frustrating. I can't stand by and watch anymore. I'm helpless because you won't let me help. I'm not going to watch you destroy yourself any longer."
He turns around and takes a couple steps before pausing in the doorframe.
"Sakura, I wish that your words that day were true. That you've chosen to be happy and so you will be. It's possible, but you aren't allowing yourself it. You have only yourself to blame for your problems. Not Yuzuki-sama; not Minami or Motoko; not Music Club; and certainly not me."
With that he leaves. I let him go as I am frozen in place with my eyes where he once stood. The familiar feeling of my heart collapsing in on it shakes my body, and before I can move to shut the door I hit the ground.
La la, la la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la, la la la la la la la la la la
La la, la la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la, la la la la la la la la la la
You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down
You, you enchant me even when you're not around
If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down
I'm latching on, babe, now I know what I have found
Somehow I pull myself together and make it to the door. Somehow I pick up my bag and put my things away. Somehow I place the flask and pill bottle on my nightstand. Somehow I find a spot on my bed to lie down on. Somehow, I will get through this.
Hush, don't speak
When you spit your venom,
Keep it shut, I hate it
When you hiss and preach
About your new messiah
'Cause your theories catch fire
I can't find your silver lining
I don't mean to judge
But when you read your speech, it's tiring
Enough is enough
Covering my ears like a kid
When your words mean nothing I go la la la
I'm turning up the volume when you speak
If my heart can't stop it, I find a way to block it, I go
La la, la la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la, la la la la la la la la la la
La la, la la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la, la la la la la la la la la la (never)
This song has less meaning to me, but I still love it. Something in it gets the gears turning in my head. Through the thoughts, I still manage to move about the stage from position to position.
I find that I cannot sleep. Overwhelming emotions and memories vie for my focus, and all I can do is lie here and cry. "How did things get this bad?" I ask myself over and over. "I want him back." I feel it taking hold of me again. He says that I never made progress, but I believe I did. I know now because I am back at the start. Someone I adore has left me. Again. And it is scarier this time because the element of not knowing if it is permanent is there. I know they are not coming back. It hurts, but at least it is something I am sure of. With him gone… He is still here. He is just out of my reach.
I'm so en-captured, got me wrapped up in your touch
Feel so enamored, hold me tight within your clutch
How do you do it? You got me losing every breath
What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest?
Yes, I've got you in my space
I won't let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I'm latching on to you (never let go, I won't let go)
It aches, and it is spreading. I feel it strongest in my chest, and it pumps the pain throughout my veins. I have lost track of time; I have been lying here so long. I know that night has passed, and the dawn is just about to break. On autopilot, my hand reaches for the pills and the flask. I sit up with the tools in my hand and stare at them. "Where would I be if I was never given these pills?" I wonder to myself. That is when his face flashes in my mind. Where would I be if they were still here? I would have never met him. That much I know.
"AAACHHHHHH!"
Cannot think about that unless I want to twist the knife already in me. I can look back on the past, but I can never change it. Angry with myself, I chuck the bottle and the flask. I pull my knees up to my chest and hug them close. I am going to have another episode. I have not had one in a while, so how does this go again… First, I struggle to hold back the tears, but they escape with screams and wails. Second, I fall to the nearest surface, and having been on the edge of my bed I end up falling to the ground. Thud. Finally, the convulsions come. It all is a pain unimaginable. I feel like I am cracking from the inside outwards. Time to crawl to the bathroom. I spew out the broken pieces that have fallen loose. I am still broken inside, but my body cannot get rid of it all. I dry heave until I finally pass out. What is strange is that this time I had no memories of them play back in my head. All of them were of him.
I wake up in a daze. It appears that the day has passed me by, as it is nighttime. There is a knock on my door and then a note slips underneath the crack. Curious, I pick it up.
"Your school called. They want an explanation as to why you were absent today."
The familiar handwriting tells me that the receptionist wrote this. The note tells me that it is Monday night. "I was knocked out for a long time in there," I think looking towards the bathroom. School. Inutaisho-sensei. My Sesshomaru. "Here we go again…" I am on the floor again, but this time I hope to wake up on time to make it to school. "Honestly, this is exhausting. But this time it is because of him." Or it is mostly… Visions of them flicker in and out. No matter what I will not take those pills again. Maybe, if I rid myself of them he will come back to me.
(I feel we're close enough)
I can't find your silver lining
(I wanna lock in your love)
I don't mean to judge
(I feel we're close enough)
But when you read your speech, it's tiring
(I wanna lock in your love)
Enough is enough
I make it to school the next day, and I wish I stayed home. He has completely washed his hands of me. I am just another student, and a troublemaker at that. Somehow, I manage to make it to lunch in one piece. The break allows me to go down to the nurse's office.
"Sakura-chan, what is the problem?"
I shut the door behind me before crumpling to the ground. She runs over and tries to comfort me saying generic, one-size-fits-all words of wisdom. Eventually she sends me home. She is even kind enough to call a cab for me.
I did not know that it could hurt this bad to lose anyone who was not family. This is a whole other level, and I do not have a clue on how to beat it. I am stuck, and I need an escape rope. I ponder my options on the ground with my back against the door. Eventually the apartment is full of shadows and moonlight. I honestly do not know where to go from here. Hell, I did not know where to go before and just wanted to graduate. Right now, I do not want to set foot in that school ever again. I do not want to be in this town, in this country, or on this planet. I just… Do not want to be anymore.
Covering my ears like a kid
And I'm latching onto you la la la la
I'm turning up the volume when you speak
If my heart can't stop it, I find a way to block it, I go
La la, la la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la, la la la la la la la la la la latching onto
La la, la la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la, la la la la la la la la la la (never)
I am dazed and numb from all the crying. There is only one thing on my mind as I leave my apartment. "I will find a way to block it." The streets are empty and quiet with a few stragglers here and there. All of them must be heading home. I must have walked for kilometers to end up at the pier. I walk to the edge and lean over the railing. The ocean is peaceful. The air is freezing. "This is perfect. The roof of my building would have been too messy," I muse to myself. I shuffle further down to the end of the pier and find a spot hidden from view. With my breath steady, I climb on top of the railing and balance myself in a crouch with my fingertips touching down on either side of me. I peer down at the dark waters below me before slowly standing up. I do not bother looking back because I am not going that way. With a deep breath, I jump.
Hey guys!
I'm super sorry for taking so long to update. I suffered a concussion from a writer's block hitting me on the head... heh. Well, I've been working on this chapter for 9 hours straight. I hope it's good enough that all of you will forgive me!
The songs performed are as follows:
Happy by Leona Lewis
La La Latch (Sam Smith/Disclosure/Naughty Boy Mashup) by Pentatonix
Until next time...