Chapter 20: His Place, the Stage, and Beyond Part III
"Are you fucking kidding me?" he thinks as he watches her run into the night. "Just forget about her." In spite of his thoughts he finds himself putting his car in park and chasing after her. He goes for a few blocks before realizing that he lost her. Deeply angry and frustrated, he punches a nearby tree so hard that the remaining leaves all fall off. He boxes the tree for a while longer before he finally calms down.
Thankfully, his car is still parked at the intersection where he left it. He gets in and begins to drive aimlessly while his mind files through dozens of thoughts. He ends up in front of a bar; a very shady one at that. In desperate need for a drink he parks and strolls into the "Hole-In-The-Wall/Last-Resort/You-Desperately-Need-Alcohol-Don't-You establishment".
"Oh, hey buddy. You don't look too good," greets the ever-professional bartender with a thick American accent.
"I'll have a glass of red," responds Sesshomaru in English to make things easier.
"Sorry, no wine. No one in the area classy enough for that."
"Give me the first drink that comes to mind."
"Alright," says the bartender as he pulls out a carafe full of premixed alcohol and Blue Curacao.
"Adios Mother Fucker."
"Excuse me?"
"The name of the drink; or AMF if you want to keep it appropriate. It will cure whatever you've got; brought the recipe over from my homeland."
Sesshomaru takes a long swig of the blue liquid taking care to make sure that it does not touch his pearly white teethe or spend too long on his tongue. He scowls at the oversweet taste coupled with the sting of multiple liquors.
"You downed that fast. Care for another?" asks the bartender.
"No thanks," Sesshomaru replies irritated that the bartender had the audacity to offer that repulsive drink again.
"Hang out as long as you like, buddy."
He swirls the remaining drops of the blue drink in circles in his glass. He tries to forget about her and the resurfaced memories of Kagura. Like Kagura, Sakura has much potential. She is talented, intelligent, cunning, and beautiful just like Kagura once was. The only difference is that Kagura was strong enough to seek out her own happiness where Sakura chooses to wallow in misery. "How ungrateful she is…" he muses over that thought. Happiness is within Sakura's grasp if she would only choose to stop living in the past. Instead, she throws away such an opportunity because it is not the kind of happiness she has painted in her head. If only she could see what is laid out before her…
"Damn that bitch!"
The sudden noise captures Sesshomaru's attention. He lifts his head and points his gaze to a corner of the establishment where three wounded men sit at a booth.
"My wife is going to wonder where I got these bruises!"
"You're better off telling her you got into a bar fight with other men. If she found out that they came from a young girl she will leave you and take all your money!"
"A young girl?" Sesshomaru questions to himself then gets up from his seat at the bar.
"Say good-bye to any future children. Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, Takamaru?"
"You say that you have encountered a young girl. Which way did she go?" Sesshomaru demands while approaching the three men.
"And who are you? Definitely not important enough for us to even consider your questions," says grease-pig number two.
"Heh," Sesshomaru chuckles to himself before grabbing the closest lowlife to him and shoving him up against the wall.
"Ack! What the—gulp"
"You are going to tell me which direction she went. And so help me God if she is harmed in anyway; I will murder the three of you and make it look like a gruesome accident."
"Ugh, like you can do anything—gurgle" the grease-pig can barely finish his sentence as Sesshomaru wraps his hand around his neck.
"Eh, hey, hey! Enough. We can't afford so much drama in one night. The bitch hopped the fence and headed in the direction of Ikai Cemetery."
"Thank, you. That is all I need to know," Sesshomaru says before throwing the grease-pig at the booth with his cohorts and leaving the bar.
"Sakura, I am coming for you."
We have a brief break while we prepare for our last performance. In this short ten minutes we switch our costumes from frills to evening gowns. We look as though we are ready for an award show. The lights are off as we make our way back onto the stage. The lights carefully become brighter illuminating Takako's purple, Yumi's blue, and my white sequenced dress. "One last song and then it is over. It is done."
When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes and you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
"Hello, mom, dad… It's been a very long time," I say as I slowly step to the grave markers. "So… After you guys left I went back to school. Well, after a few months in the Looney bin, but I went back nevertheless. It's what you both wanted, right? I sold our house. I'm sorry; I know that the both of you designed that house on your honeymoon. I just couldn't stand to live there alone. Just living there by myself would be too difficult. I'm sorry I couldn't be strong like you raised me to be. It all just went away after you left. I managed to hold on to your wedding champagne flutes, pictures, grandpa's jade ring, and grandma's watch. I wear the watch a lot. I'm sorry, mom. I know you never trusted me with it, but I haven't lost it yet! See? It's on my wrist right now… Also, I still have your wedding dress, mom. I have it stashed in the cherry wood case underneath my bed. I forgot it was there until now. I know that you had to go all the way to New York City for it, so I'm holding on to it."
I pause there, and I kneel next to the graves. I stand still. I am quiet for some time before I roll forward and lean on the stone structures.
"You know, mom and dad. It's been really hard since you've both been gone. I know that you guys were preparing for a time like this from the start, but all the money you've left behind is meaningless. I mean, sure it paid for my medical expanses and it is supporting me right now. Even so, I can't help but feel empty or broken inside. Do you understand? Life is meaningless without my family, and all this time I have been looking for someone to replace the two of you. I didn't realize I was, but it's evident now; I've been looking for someone to fill the void. Heh, but you see… He didn't fill the void. He created a space for himself, and now that too is empty. I chased him away. Just like I chased the two of you away.
"I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry that I wouldn't listen."
With those words I travel back in time.
"Mom and dad, please! She really needs your help!"
"Sakura, this is a matter way out of our league," father says.
"But you seemed so confident when I first brought it to your attention! What sort of research changed your minds?!"
"Darling, the people who murdered your Sensei's brother-in-law are a part of a notorious gang! This is a job for the DA, not an independent law firm like ours. We handle cases a step down from that!"
"But she has no one else to turn to! The DA is too busy with other matters to give this case enough attention."
"Darling, if we take on this case that will put our staff, their families, and this family in danger. There is so much at risk."
"And if you can put these men away that will make the streets of Osaka much safer for your staff, their families, and this family! Not to mention the many other peoples who are mugged and attacked by this gang."
"Sakura, please listen to me—"
"No! Here is a case that really matters and has the potential to put away a band of bad guys for good. You and mom have the power to do that, but why won't you? I just don't understand it!"
Every now and then I become a stubborn and ignorant teenager. The above is a perfect example…
My eyes blink a few times, and I am back in the present standing before my parent's graves.
"I wish that I would've listened back then. I wish that I would've understood. I supposed that I held you both on too high of a pedestal that I believed you were both untouchable. I never imagined that anyone could hurt you two, let alone…" and the sobs escape. It is raining so perhaps the graves surrounding me cannot tell that I am crying. "You know, I always thought that you two would always be around. My loving mother and father devoted to me until the end, an end that was once so far in the distance. It's a shame how you can have such a perfect life and never even know that it could be different. It's a shame that you can't see what is before you until it is gone and you're left noticing an empty space.
"Heh… you enrolled me in the perfect school and I thank you by ditching every round of success you set me up for. I ditched the Debate Team for Music Club. Now, I wish I never did because perhaps you would both still be here. Perhaps I would've never gotten close enough to Shimizu-sensei to know what is going on in her personal life. She would've remained my teacher instead of becoming my mentor.
"I wonder, a year and a half ago would we have gone to nationals with the Debate Team instead of searching for evidence to convict the crook who started all of this? Would I have graduated on time, and would you be there with your video camera father? Would I be coming home for the holidays from University so that I could spend New Year's with you and mom?
"Right now I am so trapped. I'm so trapped in a web of what-ifs and would-Is. I wish that everything could be just the way I pictured it, but it's not. And I'm so sorry. If it weren't for me everything could be just the way we had it pictured. If I would've just listened you both would still be here."
It is my entire fault. I suppose this is the truth I have been hiding from. In life, there is nothing worse than knowing that you have caused your own downfall—or your own misery. It is something we hate to admit because it is just so easy to place the blame on something, or someone, else. We become so stuck on not taking responsibility for our own actions that it becomes a monster we feel the need to hide from.
"And now I know; we need to approach all aspects of life with an open mind and an open heart. We need to acknowledge that there is an abundant amount that we do not know, so we need to pause, take a step out of the fast lane, and just listen. Maybe if I did that day I would understand. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've learned this all too late."
"Sakura, you are such a fool."
And if you keep falling down don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
My head snaps up at the statement. "Am I crazy enough that the graves are talking to me now?" I turn my head to the side and see Sesshomaru of all people standing a few steps behind me. He is soaked to the bone; his white button up shirt is see-through.
His hair is sticking to his face.
"Will you stop following me!" I yell. He just smirks and steps closer.
"Rather than cry over past regrets why don't you focus that energy on moving on? You've been dealt this hand, the dealer will not deal you a new one, and so you just have to play it. You've been strong enough to get this far, so why are you backtracking? Set your gaze forward and go in that direction!"
"You think it's so fucking easy then you try it!"
"Spare me, I've lost someone just as important to me before! The difference is, I won't dishonor them by wasting my life away and remaining stagnant in my grief."
"Just… Go away. I don't want to hear you preach. I want you to leave me alone."
"Sakura, this is all so unhealthy. You need to move on!"
"Sesshomaru, do you honestly think that I am that fucking stupid?! I know that shit, but it's easier said than done!" I shout slamming my hand on the wet ground. "Can you even pinpoint the moment you finally stopped missing Kagura!?"
"No, Sakura. I can't," he replies calmly this time, "I can't because I never stop missing her, but just because you miss someone it does not mean that you can't be happy. Don't feel guilty for being alive while they're dead. Don't feel guilty for moving on."
"But it's not your fault that she died."
"Just as it's not your fault that your parents died."
The anger is gone and I feel myself crumpling inside. Their fate was beyond my control. "Is that why I am so angry?"
"It's all just so un-fucking-fair!" I yell squeezing my eyes closed. "If it's not my fault then why did this all happen?! Why couldn't things be the way they are supposed to be?"
"Just let it be, Sakura. The things that are beyond our control we have to let go. Focus on what we can control. That's all we are left with."
The tears stream down as I shake my head furiously. "If we can't control such awful things then we are all sitting ducks. There is nothing we can do, but control what we can… like our emotions."
And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
"No, Yuzuki-sama. I believe that right now she just needs to rest. Will you call her out of school for the day? Yes, I will be taking the day off as well to keep watch over her. Yes. No, it will be fine. Thank you."
I blink my eyes open and am greeted by an exquisite view of the Osaka skyline at dawn with the rain clouds from last night dispersing. I realize that I am in a large, familiar bed just as a familiar man walks into the room.
"I knew that you would wake up soon," Sesshomaru says setting down a tray of waffles and milk-tea before me. "You look like you haven't eaten in days."
I eye the food wearily, but the aroma of homemade waffles summons my appetite.
"What am I doing here?"
"Well, right now you're eating waffles in my bed," he smirks.
"I mean, how did I get here?" I say irritably picking apart a waffle.
"You cried yourself to the point of exhaustion over your parents graves last night—or rather this morning. I carried you to my car and then took you here."
"Wouldn't it have been better to leave me there?"
"You said last night that you wanted me to stay with you. However, spending the early hours of morning in a graveyard is not my niche. I just met you halfway."
"Heh, what made you change your mind?" I ask before sipping the tea.
"I encountered a few thugs that you came across last night. Although you did do a number on them, I concluded that it would be safer for you here."
"You ran into the Grease Pigs?"
"Fitting name for those lowlifes. I just wish that I was there to watch you inflict all of those bruises."
I finish the last of the waffles, and Sesshomaru takes the tray from me and sets it on the nightstand. He sits back down on the edge of the bed in front of me and brushes a lock of hair behind an ear. I cannot help myself as I lean into his palm.
"Fortunately you are unscathed. What am I going to do with you?"
"You can always tell the White Coats what happened last night. They'll haul me back to Hakurei Sanitarium, and you won't have to deal with me anymore."
"I can't do that. As frustrating as you are I take pleasure in dealing with you," another smirk. "Besides, you won't get better there with the company of people who have no other obligation to care for you other than to keep their jobs. You need to be here in the company of people who genuinely care for you."
"Then I believe I'm in the wrong place right now," I roll my eyes to the window.
"Incorrect. You could not be in a safer place than this spot right here," Sesshomaru says grabbing my chin.
He leans in closer and my face begins to heat up. I can feel his breath on my lips. Now there are so many reasons why I should just pull away, but one more kiss would not hurt, right? I let my eyelids droop and they're that way for a second. My lips are bare, but I feel a warming on my forehead. My eyes open wide.
"Gotcha," is all Sesshomaru says as he stands up and heads for the door.
"What the actual hell?!" I scream chucking a fluffy white pillow at his back hard enough to push him forward. He turns around with a challenging smile on his face, but I yank the covers to my chin and lie down with my back to him. He cannot see the grin splitting across my face hiding underneath his blanket.
I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day
And I can make it through the rain
(Yes you can)
You will make it through the rain
Hi guys!
Forty lashes with a wet udon noodle for me for being late, again. -_-" I should just stop giving myself due dates as I can't seem to follow them.
The song featured in this chapter is Through The Rain by Mariah Carey.
Until next time!