Chapter 18 - A Night of Horns and Halos

BELLA

Embarrassment wasn't terminal, right?

Needless to say, I was mortified. And even though dinner tasted wonderful, it was horrible. I would never be able to look at Esme Cullen, or a duck, ever again for the rest of my life. The whole meal, my dad kept glancing at her and Carlisle, snickering under his breath. I wondered why the man's face never did go back to the right color. From the glare Esme kept shooting at him, I would say Carlisle had some serious groveling to do.

I was relieved when we finally were able to get out of the house and on our way to the dance. Of course, that was short lived, as everyone took turns randomly quacking, blurting out duck, anas, or finger licking good, and then everyone would start laughing all over again. Yes, now I had another reason to be completely mortified. Just ducky.

I was surprised when we arrived at the school that Demetri acted like a real chauffer and opened our door for us. He gave Edward a wink, and as soon as Edward looked away, he gave me a hip thrust, causing me to smile at his antics. I had to admit, he looked kind of hot doing that.

The boys started talking; something about a vent at six o'clock, but it was already going on nine. Then Edward told them to be ready. He opened the trunk of the limo, and Rosalie actually rolled her eyes at what she saw. "Really? Night vision goggles? How original," she said sarcastically.

"Hey, it's our equivalent of an invisibility cloak," Jasper said with a wink, and I noticed Rosalie blushed. I wondered if she was a closet Harry Potter fan or something.

I noticed several things that looked like caulk guns. "What's with the caulking?"

Demetri rubbed his hand over himself. "I'll show you if Eddie here can't, I'm all about the cocking."

Edward shoved him. "Don't call me Eddie, and quit hitting on my date!" He seemed to be getting really annoyed with Demetri.

"D, you can get some poontain after the mission is accomplished. There are plenty of floozies in Forks to go around," Emmett said, and I had to roll my eyes at his use of military terms as well.

"Hey!" I snapped offended.

"Please, who in their right mind can talk for an hour about rabbits fucking," Emmett says seriously.

"I'm not a floozy."

"No, she's not; she's just very educated on animal sex," Edward defended.

Demetri starts singing, "I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside..." Edward was not happy. I just start laughing and pulled him away, heading into the dance. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were jealous, Edward."

He grimaced. "I'm not jealous of Demetri, I just feel very protective of you. D's an ass."

"And here I thought you were jealous that Demetri would leave you. That was some spectacular orgasm you gave him earlier. Talk about shattering a girl's dream," I teased to lighten his mood.

"Woman, must you always ride my balls?" he groaned.

I blushed and just shrugged, because I really would love to ride them. Maybe I was a floozy.

EDWARD

Bella had gotten quiet after I had complained about her getting on my case. I realized I had complained about her riding my balls, and she had just blushed in response. I think it was a little fucked up that I liked it. I pushed the thoughts out of my head. I had never had sex, and the half-assed blowjob I'd had hadn't ended the way I'd hoped. I started thinking of Bella doing that to me, but then she smiled, and her braces shined in the light, making me realize I didn't want to do that with her mouth full of razors. That was what I got for being disrespectful of a friend. She trusted me to take care of her, not to think dirty thoughts about her. Of course, how she expected me to do that with her boobs all spilling out of her dress covered in glittery shit, I would never know. They were just begging for me to stare at them, and I had been struggling to keep my eyes up on her face ever since I had seen her this evening. That dress should be registered as a lethal weapon, because it was going to be the death of me!

"Do we have everything?" Jasper asked. We all checked our pockets, and the girls were looking confused. We couldn't help but smirk. They had no idea what was going down, but it would be awesome.

Demetri took off, strutting like the criminal he was. He would be part of our first wave, along with Emmett.

Tyler had come up with a very lame prank. He planned on dumping nasty leftover mystery meat gravy from the cafeteria on Bella, and then unfurling a banner saying something about it, blaming me. Lauren was on the decorating committee, so we knew we had to get her, too, since she was part of the plan. Jasper and I didn't usually like to get girls, but this one was just asking for it, and technically, we were only doing to her what she was going to do to Bella. Golden rule and all, that was how Jasper justified it. As for the guys, we would show no mercy.

BELLA

I was nervous. No one had told me what was going on, but Edward seemed really excited. He was smiling really big and casually looked at Jasper, who was the picture of cool. I wondered quietly if they were on something. I should probably peek in his window a few more times just to be sure, just in case he needed me to stage an intervention, of course. That was what friends did, right?

I noticed Tyler and his goons went missing shortly after Emmett arrived and gave them all nods. I was really freaking out.

Mike surprised me by coming up and asking me to dance. I looked at him confused. I was worried this was part of their plan and looked at Edward who just shrugged. I realized after Mike had me on the floor that he didn't hang out with Tyler, but that he was a just chess nerd like me.

"So, Bella, I just want to thank you for giving me that extra push to ask Jessica out."

I shrugged. This made more sense. I relaxed a little. "Hey, what are friends for?"

Mike was no gentleman, so when the song was over, he just left me in the middle of the dance floor. I started looking for Edward, but I couldn't see him anywhere. I tried to discreetly walk off the dance floor and pretend like my date wasn't missing and most likely causing all sorts of trouble, but it didn't work. People started bumping into me, and I nearly fell and got trampled before Lauren showed up, giving me a sick smile.

"Isabella, don't you clean up nice," she said, and I was waiting for the rest of her back-handed comment, but it didn't come. "I saw you came with Alice Cullen. Is she around?"

I looked around, and then I noticed Alice marching over to us. "Lauren, wow, look at that dress!" Alice said excitedly. It didn't escape my notice that she did not say she liked the dress.

"Oh, Alice, you always have amazing taste. I suspect since Swan's dress is so beautiful that it's your doing?" she asked.

"No, actually, that was her own creation," Alice said like a proud parent.

"Wow, really? That's just interesting." Lauren was having a blonde moment and actually looked confused. She looked past us, and we turned and saw Ben waving wildly, but then he tried to cover it up, like he was doing some kind of airplane dance move, when he saw me staring. I felt sassy after hanging out with Demetri and winked at Ben and gave him a few hip thrusts.

His eyes widened, and he accidently smacked the principal in the face doing his crazy dance move. Alice was giggling, as I looked back at Lauren and her like nothing had happened.

"What? What's so funny?" I asked. Lauren looked completely lost now, and Alice was laughing even harder. I leaned over and whispered, "I see why D enjoys that move so much." It totally reminded me of an episode of Family Guy I had seen once, where that Quagmire guy did that move and said, "Giggity giggity goo." I think I had a new nickname for Demetri…

Alice was practically on the floor, and people were starting to look. I didn't want them to think she was laughing at me, so I pointed and laughed hysterically at Lauren, who instantly freaked out. "Oh, my god, is there something on my face? Get it off! Get it off!" she screamed and ran out of the room.

Of course, this caused everyone to start laughing along with us. I almost felt bad. Almost. I looked back over to where Ben was, and he looked freaked out. I pointed it out to Alice and suggested we go over there and ask where Emmett was, since they were friends and all, and Emmett was mysteriously missing.

"Hey, Ben," I said with too much confidence. He was obviously baffled, because I never spoke to him, let alone looked him in the eye. I saw him eyeing my cleavage, and I so pushed it out a bit, which made his eyes almost bug out of his head. Damn, I was rocking the glittery girls tonight!

"Hey," he said, but it sounded funny, like he was trying to be cool but failing.

"Have you seen Emmett, my date?" Alice asked Ben.

"He's in the bathroom," Ben said then he looked pained, and I wondered if he had a snuggy.

"Are you alright there, Ben?" I asked.

"Yeah, yes, no, no, yes?" I realize he was looking over our shoulder, and I looked to see Eric suddenly strike a pose like a freaking model. He was looking up at the rafters, like he hadn't just been looking at us. Okay, there was something up.

"I have to go," Ben said quickly and ran over to Eric, where they started waving their hands around like mad. Just then, Tyler came in pulling Lauren with him. He shoved her in our direction, and she huffed and actually stuck her tongue out at him. I suddenly realized these idiots were so far below our level it was pitiful.

Lauren came over, walking like she was on a runway. Maybe she was in the same show Eric had just been posing for while he checked out the rafters. The image of him wearing the same slinky gown as the boob-less Lauren made me start to giggle. Actually, I thought it would probably look better on him.

She smiled sickly sweet. "Alice, Bella, I was wondering if you'd join me in the bathroom?"

Just to piss her off, I had to ask. "Why? Is your dress too tight to get up past your cooch so you can pee and you need help?" I was feeling way too much bravado. Maybe someone had slipped me the same thing Edward was on.

Alice just burst out laughing.

Lauren looked like she was getting pissed when, Alice finally pulled it together. "No, silly," Alice said like she was laughing at me, but we both knew better. Lauren probably did need help getting her dress up past her cooch. "Girls always go to the bathroom in groups," she said and looked to Lauren for confirmation.

Lauren grinned widely. "Exactly," she said with a weird English accent. I think she was trying to be more snobby. I knew now whatever they had planned would take place in the bathroom, but I decided not to make it too easy for her.

"I don't think I want to go in there. This is a floor-length dress, and you never know what's on the bathroom floor," I said shaking my head.

"What?" Lauren was baffled, not that it took much to baffle her.

"I don't want to go."

"But you have to! Tell her, Alice, tell her she has to!" Lauren was starting to lose it.

"I don't know, Lauren, she has a point, her dress is really long. Remember that one time…" Alice started, but Lauren cut her off.

"You're being ridiculous! You have to come to the bathroom with me now!" she snapped.

I looked at Alice and shrugged. "Maybe she really needs to pee and needs help with her dress. You can't blame the girl for being upset."

Alice nodded. "No, we don't want her to get a bladder infection from holding it. Come on, Lauren, we'll help you pee."

Lauren let out a growl. "Whatever, come on."

I might have been a little worried, but that went away as soon as I saw Edward and Jasper fall in step behind us. Lauren didn't bother to look back to see who was following her, she just soldiered on like her tail was on fire. She flung open the door to the bathroom like she owned the place. "Now, Bella, the cleanest stall is the middle one," she said with a sneer.

Suddenly, the lights went out. I would have been scared when someone grabbed my arm, but I had a feeling it was part of Edward's plan, as I was getting shoved out the door with Alice. We both stood outside the bathroom door for a moment and then we heard Emmett yell, "NOW!"

Then we heard Lauren screaming. She burst out of the bathroom covered from head to toe in dark brown goo that smelled positively revolting, like a broken raw sewage pipe. "Tyler!" she screamed bloody murder.

"Oh, my god, Lauren, what happened?" Alice asked with concern.

"Oh, sick! Did the toilet explode on you? Man, this just isn't your night," I said holding my nose, barely keeping a straight face.

Alice was brave and took her hand. "Let's get you some napkins." She pulled her across the hall into the gym/ballroom. There was a large sign spelled out with 'Ride that gravy train. Courtesy of Edward Cullen.'

The song 'C'mon 'N Ride It, (The Train) by Quad City's DJ's came on, and everyone was laughing and dancing, pointing but definitely steering clear of Lauren. I guess you could say she was having a really shitty evening.

Edward joined me a few short seconds later, looking a little too innocent, and pulled me onto the dance floor, doing some wild train dance move. Yes, tonight would be perfect.

EDWARD

It was time. Lauren was sent to get my girl into the trap. Emmett sent the text, letting us know everything was in place. Jasper hit the lights, and I yanked the girls out of the bathroom, while he grabbed Lauren, shoving her into the middle stall. When Emmett heard the stall door slam open, he yelled "Now!"

Jasper and I jumped back, knowing that tampered-with gravy would be dropping. Yes, tampered. I gave Emmett some stink powder to mix into it, so it smelled like shit. Of course, Tyler thought Emmett was a genius for thinking of it. He didn't suspect anything.

Lauren ran out screaming like a banshee, and as soon as I heard Alice take her into the ballroom, Jasper and I slipped out. The rest was up to Demetri. It was time for Jasper and I to have our Alibi. I grabbed Bella and pulled her onto the dance floor for our first dance of the evening, and I had to say, it was fun. I didn't even scowl when I saw Jasper dancing with Alice. Apparently, Rose was too pissed to dance with him.

I led Bella over to where Rose was pouting and told her to go help Emmett clean the blood off of himself.

"Blood?" Bella asked worried.

"Just fake, it's cool; it's part of his alibi," I said and nodded at Rose again. "Go help him out, woman. He had nothing to do with you being here."

Rose let out a growl, but I saw her storm off towards the guy's bathroom, where I knew Emmett was waiting. I would have loved to be a fly on the bathroom wall for that encounter.

A few minutes later, Tyler, Eric and Ben came running in, parting the crowd like Moses at the Red Sea with the odor pouring off them. Ben was screaming, "Oh, my god, you killed him!"

They were all covered in stinky gravy, still holding the buckets they had stolen from the cafeteria. We might have coated the edges with superglue, so they couldn't put them down. Of course, I pleaded the fifth. I had been dancing when all this went down, so the luster on my halo was brilliant.

"Shut it, man, shut the fuck up!" Tyler whisper-screamed.

Suddenly, the music stopped. Chief Swan was standing in the doorway looking furious. "What is this I hear about a murder?" he asked loudly.

Shit, meet fan.