.xxxiii.
"It's not what you thought it would be, is it?" Anders asks, interrupting Merrill's reflection, taking a seat beside her on the deck. The view looking out over Minrathous' docks is a spectacular one. The activity wanes a little as the sun goes down, but not much. Lights are lit, and sparkle on the water, preparing for night. The sun hovers out in the distance, red and brilliant on the glistening water. It looks beautiful. Looks are deceptive.
"It isn't," she sighs, chin in her hands, looking tired. "My people... do not speak kindly of Tevinter, which makes sense, I suppose, given they're history."
"But you hold no grudge?" he asks, cocking a brow.
"Not personally, no. I don't think we should hold people responsible for what their predecessors did."
"Well, no, not unless they're guilty of the same crime."
"Not all in the Imperium agree with what they did, all those years ago." Merrill turns to him, sympathy on her face. "I know you must be very disappointed. And Justice as well? I heard that he-that you and he-" she doesn't seem to quite no how to refer to him.
"Yes, he did almost make an appearance. I didn't expect the supply run to get so exciting."
"Isabela told me," nods Merrill gravely. "She said she was surprised why you almost lost control, but she wouldn't say why...?" She doesn't really ask, but the question is in her voice. He sighs deeply.
"Mages suffer many injustices, more than most, but that doesn't mean that Justice only defends them. If he sees something wrong, he, and by extent I; we are compelled to act." She blinks, her question obviously still unanswered.
"I saw slaves being mistreated, horribly. I-I couldn't stand by. Justice couldn't stand by. I almost gave us away. Aveline had to drag me from the scene."
"So you... didn't help them?" She looks disappointed.
"I didn't say that," he smirks, turning into a full fledged grin when he sees her pleased reaction.
"I used to think Fenris was exaggerating," he admits, "about this place. I thought a country where mages ruled would be different. Better. That people who understand what it is to be ostracized and mistreated wouldn't visit the same on any others. I was wrong."
"I'm sorry," Merrill apologizes morosely.
"Don't be. It's not your fault. I had hoped-" he looks dejectedly out over the water. "I had hoped that it might be different somewhere else. That there might be an example to follow, or a haven to run to. It's better for mages here, but at what cost? They're elevated, on the backs of those without magic. Part of me is a little vindicated by that, if we're being honest here, it's nice to finally see our people on top, for once. But it's not right. And the world bases their view of mages on this one country, on their injustices, but they are not us!"
"It's not very fair, is it?" she muses quietly. "I wish it was. More fair, I mean."
"Me too."
She looks at him so long that he eventually turns to see what she's staring at. "Is there something on my face?"
"Don't lose hope," she all but commands him, wagging a thin finger in his face, a gesture undoubtedly picked up from Aveline. "I know it makes everything seem much harder, but if there are mages like you out there proving to the world that we're not all monsters, things will change, eventually."
"I'm surprised by your optimism," he murmurs.
"You and Hawke showed me that we as mages can be a force for the better. Not monsters." She smiles, placing a hand on his forearm. "We make mistakes, we stumble, as all do, but we can be good, too. Many are, I think, we just have the misfortune of only seeing the bad ones. This was a disappointment, I know. But don't give up."
'You already have,' an accusing voice whispers to him, 'You have given it all up.' Not Justice, but his own conscious, reminding him of his fate.
"I won't," he lies, ignoring the accusing voice.
"Good. I'm glad to hear it." She settles back, contentment on her face. "I never thought I'd miss Kirkwall. It's strange, really."
"Can't say I agree. I like getting away. Far away."
"You should come back to the Wardens, then," Carver interjects, coming to sit squarely in between the two of them, though there is hardly any room for him and his broad shoulders. "You'll get to travel all over."
Anders scowls at him.
"Carver!" Merrill chirps. Her makeup hides the blush on her cheeks, but not the pink tinge that spreads to the tips of her ears and down her neck, from his proximity undoubtedly. The two have been revolving around each other for a while now, sneaking glances and offering love struck smiles. He tries to ignore the jealousy he feels for the two of them.
"Hope I'm not interrupting," Carver says, staring at Anders, his intent having obviously been to interrupt.
"Not at all," the blonde quickly answers, collecting himself, and standing. "I was just about to go... write... something." His excuse is ill-contrived, but neither seem to notice. Without further conversation, he turns to make himself scarce.
Thinking better of it, he stops, mid-stride, and calls out, "Merrill!"
"Yes?"
"Thank you, for what you said."
She grins brightly, nodding. Carver frowns. He doesn't miss how the nosy boy asks her what the conversation had been about when he turns again to leave.
Her faith is comforting, but misplaced. She goes back to smiling at the younger Hawke, who just looks relieved to have her attention.
Seeing them together makes him think of Hawke, as if he needed any help doing that, as if she wasn't the most common thought in his head, beside his cause. Regret assails him, as it always does. He had shot down Hawke's initial joking flirtation, and then regretted it when he drove her into the arms of another while playing hard to get. Now he watches her tender smiles and shared laughter with the elf. They will always be friends, she will always be there, a constant ally, she has proven that, but still he cannot help but long for more. What he foolishly turned away. All because of his fight for freedom.
'Justice is a heavy burden to bear,' his constant companion reminds him.
"I know," he sighs under his breath, watching the sun dip beneath the rolling waves. "I will carry it. Until the end."
Author's Note: Ahahahha Anders :'( I love you so much why did it have to be this way?!
Grand Admiral Pallaeon: Ah! Welcome to the party! Well, not so much a party as a funeral march... The reason why Danarius is so loathsome (at least, to me) is because he's a scheming prick. It's great that you like him, or at least, like to hate him. I do to. I boil with rage every single time I have to write dialogue for him. If I don't, I know that I'm not writing him correctly.
IDRK-Itsme- Oh, I know, I was just teasing you! :3 I'm churning them out as fast as I can for you guys, I love to see your reactions. And Carver gets a lot of flack, but I really do love him. He's a good kid.
Nezumi: I've heard a bit about Dying Light, like it was banned in Germany because it's so brutal? I hope you enjoyed it! I'm American too, and I cannot tell you how torturous it's been not to throw him off a roof. But it will happen! It is my intent not to finish this story without giving Danarius the demise he deserves. And thank you for sticking around! Your reviews have been so helpful!
Tanith'scrazytwin: Aww! Thank you so much! I had a lot of fun writing it. And reviews are worth their weight in gold. I started reviewing a whole lot more when I realized how much they matter to the author. I hadn't planned on Danarius using the Fade to torment her again (as I assumed it would require a good amount of effort to construct the fake setting and trick her into thinking it was all real and what have you), but at your request I might try to shoehorn some more in! It was one of my favorite concepts for the whole story.
I love hearing what you guys think. Drop a line if you have any suggestions!
Next chapter: I made myself really uncomfortable writing it! Like seriously I had to step away from the computer a few times because ew. Fair warning for you guys. Stay tuned!