A/N: So sorry this took so long to get out. Life got in the way.

Warning: it gets kinda angsty.

For reference... I know Killian could not have stopped Emma from sacrificing herself, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think he could have done more.

Thank you to o-u-a-timer, the-lady-of-mishaven, and zengoalie for helping me with this.

Day 37

His head was pounding, which wasn't different from any other morning. The light caused his eyes to blur when he tried to open them. His whole body ached. Bloody hell, what happened last night?

A baby cry from behind him caught his attention. He heard footsteps and then Mary Margaret's soothing voice. He was at the loft, sprawled out on the couch. A blanket was thrown over him. It smelled like cinnamon… like Emma. How the bloody hell did he get here? He couldn't remember anything after arriving at The Rabbit Hole. He had ordered rum. He needed a drink after finding no leads on where Emma could be. Emma.

I love you, Killian.

His hand pinched his nose at the memory. Tears formed in his eyes again. What was he doing? She was gone and she had taken his heart with her.

A throat cleared next to him. Killian opened one eye and then the other, he saw David sitting at the table across from him. Great. He really was in no mood for a pep talk from the prince.

"How are you feeling, Hook?" David tried to give him a glass of water, but Killian waved it away.

How was he feeling? How was he feeling? He felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest - again. Like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of his life. He felt like all of the light had been removed from his life and his was living in the never ending darkness.

Mostly, he felt empty.

Not that he would ever tell Prince Charming what he was feeling.

"Fine, mate. How did I end up here?" He was trying to sit up, but everytime he moved the room seemed to spin a bit. Yep, best to stay flat, mate.

"I got a call about you fighting at the bar. Robin and I picked you up and brought you back here." David was staring at him intently, concern written all over his face.

Well, that explained why his ribs felt like they were on fire and why his face was throbbing in pain.

"Well, I thank you for the assistance. I'll be off now." Killian forced himself to stand, even if his body rebelled at the idea.

David's hand reached out and grabbed his arm, keeping Killian in place.

"Hook - Killian, how are you doing? Really?" David asked.

"Told ya, mate. I'm fine. Great even. Now, if you'll excuse me, your highness. I need to be returning to my ship." Killian turned back to the door and David, again, grabbed his arm.

Why wouldn't he just leave him the buggering fuck alone?

"I know that you are having a hard time with this, but you have a family here, Hook. We are here if you need us - for anything." David finally released his arm.

A family? Emma was his family. The only family he would ever need. And she was gone. Just gone.

"Thanks mate, but again I am fine." Killian turned and walked out of the door to the loft, leaving David staring at him, shaking his head.

The walk back to the Jolly was quick. Once inside his cabin, Killian walked straight to the cupboard and pulled out a full bottle of rum. Sinking to the floor, Killian opened the bottle.

Lifting the bottle to his mouth, Killian swallowed a mouthful.

A family.

He took another mouthful.

I love you, Killian.

Another mouthful.

We are here if you need us.

Another mouthful. His vision was starting to blur.

I have to do this Killian. I have to save our happy endings.

Another mouthful. The bottle was empty. He tried to get up for another, but his legs wouldn't move.

He sat there unable to move. Tears clouded his vision. He was a broken man. A broken pirate. The bottle shattered against the wall from his throw. Curling into a ball, Killian was overcome with sleep.

He was the shell of the man he used to be.

Day 56

Killian shot up in his bed and looked around. His entire body was covered in a layer of sweat. His hands were shaking as his heart beat uncontrollably in his chest.

He was in his quarters. Aboard the Jolly. He was home. He was not searching endless realms for Emma. He had not watched her eyes turn black with the power of the dagger.

A moan escaped his throat as he lunged forward and pushed himself up on the deck. It was cold. The air smelled like salt. His body shivered. Looking down, Killian realized he was only dressed in his pants. Must have taken the shirt off before the alcohol hit.

Killian's hand curled around the edge of his ship as he looked out to the open sea. He could leave. He could pack up the ship and leave this town. This town that had only brought him pain and suffering.

When he closed his eyes -a sad attempt to stop the tears- Killian saw golden hair. Sea green eyes. He heard her laugh, saw her smile. He saw her with her family, saw her smiling at him with her chin tilted up. Remembered their first kiss - remembered how she had tasted. Like hot cocoa and future. He remembered their first date. He remembered what it felt like to be happy.

His body started to shake as the tears fell. He missed her. Gods he missed her.

Why did everything he had ever loved have to be ripped from his grasp? Everything he touched turned into poison. He had just found her. Just found his reason for living. His reason for changing. He should have known he would have his happy ending torn from him. After all, villains don't get happy endings.

Turning quickly, Killian moved to return to his cabin. His foot caught a piece of rope on the deck and before he knew what had happened he began to fall.

Normally, his reflexes were quick. They were slowed by the amount of rum he had consumed in the last 24 hours. He fell ungracefully, his head slamming into the deck.

Before the darkness overtook him, Killian heard someone call out from behind him.

"Hook! Hook, are you alright?" He heard footsteps on the deck.

Emma?

Day 59

A light shined in Killian's eyes, waking him. Squinting his eyes he turned away from the source.

"Ah. I see you have finally returned to us Captain."

Returned? From where? He didn't remember going anywhere. Not that he remembered much of anything anymore. Rum will do that to you.

"Wha...what happened?" His head hurt. It seemed like it was always hurting lately.

"You fell on your ship. Knocked yourself unconscious. You'll have quite the nasty bump on your head for awhile. There was some slight swelling in your brain, which is why we kept you heavily sedated for the first couple of days. We, um, we also had to perform a lavage… you had alcohol poisoning."

Swelling in his brain? Alcohol poisoning? What the bloody hell was this man talking about?

Killian opened his eyes to meet the concerned look of the doctor?- yes, doctor is what Emma had told him. Doctor Whale.

He had been asleep for days? He remembered the nightmare. Remembered Emma's black eyes. He had been turning to go back to his cabin when he...slipped? Before the darkness took over he had heard a voice. A voice that had sounded like her...like Emma?

"Emma? Did she...was she there? Did she bring me here?" Killian held his breath waiting for the answer.

"Ms. Swan?" Whale shook his head slightly, "No, it was Mary Margaret who brought you in. She saw you fall and called for help."

Mary Margaret? What was she doing at this ship so late at night? He had been so sure he had heard Emma. So positive. Of course, he had been wrong. Disappointment filled his heart. Emma was gone.

Killian's hand gripped the blankets of the hospital bed until his knuckles turned white. A sigh escaped his throat. Releasing the blankets, he rubbed his eyes in frustration. He needed to get out of this place. They couldn't help him. No one could help him. He was alone, just as he had always been. He needed to get back to his ship - to his rum.

Killian pushed the blankets off of his body until they bunched at the side of his bed. Gripping the rail of the bed, he tried to push himself up causing the bed to shake. The room began to swirl causing him to fall back into the bed. Whale, who had turned to check Killian's chart, was there in an instant.

"You need to stay in bed, Captain. At least for a few days. The nurses will help you use the facilities, but other than that you need to stay in bed. Your body needs rest." Whale placed the blankets over Killian's body.

Killian's hand came up and combed through his hair nervously. Rest. How was he supposed to rest when everytime he closed his eyes he saw Emma surrounded by the darkness. He saw that damn dagger with her name written across it. What he needed was more rum, to dull the pain and numb his kept the nightmares at bay.

Day 61

A soft knock on the door woke Killian from his sleep. His body felt warm and his head was fuzzy. Before he left, Whale had given him something to help him relax. It had helped. He was able to fall asleep. His dreams were still filled with Emma, though. It was as if she was haunting him even in his sleep. Memories of not only the moment she disappeared, but of what she'd left behind: him. Those dreams continued to haunt him in the beginning stages of consciousness. He was used to the numb feeling when he woke. Which is why he was thankful to be woken up. To leave the dreams behind. Even if he wasn't up to having visitors.

He opened his eyes when he heard someone sit in the chair beside his bed. Mary Margaret. She had a small smile on her face. But her eyes, gods her eyes held a sadness he had not seen present there before. A sadness that he often - too often- had seen reflected back in his own mirror.

"How can I be of service, your majesty?" His hand swept out nonchalantly.

Mary Margaret reached under the bed rail and put her hand on his arm. Her touch felt wrong. It was too soft. Too gentle. Killian jerked his arm away as if she burned him. He didn't want to be touched. Didn't deserve to be touched. He had promised to protect Emma. Promised to protect her daughter and he had failed.

Mary Margaret's hand fell to the bed, lying on top of the blanket. She gave him a pointed look. One that saw through the persona he had put in place so carefully.

He could only imagine what she saw when she looked at him. Red rimmed eyes with dark circles underneath. He hadn't shaved in weeks. His hair was unkempt and sticking up in places. It had gotten so long it hit the middle of his ears. He knew he looked a mess- he just couldn't bring himself to care.

"I'm fine." His hand was picking at the blanket.

It was a lie. It always was. He wasn't fine. He hadn't been fine for a long while. Not since Emma had disappeared.

I love you, Killian.

His eyes shut and his fist clenched at the memory. He was so tired. Tired of everything. Waking up everyday was a nightmare. Living everyday was a nightmare. He wanted her back. He would do anything to have her back. He'd give anything to have her back.

"Hook, I know you're not fine. Everyone can see it. Why won't you let us help you?" She was pleading with him.

She was right. He knew she was. But the darkness was so great- so tempting. He couldn't resist it. Sometimes, he didn't want to. Sometimes he wanted to give in. To find Emma at any cost. To set the realms aflame until she was safely back in his arms.

"I've talked to Whale. You're coming home with us. It is either that or stay in the hospital. You can't be alone. So you can stay here or you can come home with us… with your family." He looked at her at the word 'family,' she had tear stains on her cheeks. Her eyes were puffy.

Killian hung his head, his chin hit his chest. Tears blurred his vision. He didn't deserve to be in their family. It was because of him they had lost their daughter. He was not strong enough. He hadn't protected her.

He nodded to her slowly. He didn't want to, but he would go with her. It is not like he had a better option. He knew Mary Margaret and he knew she would not take no for an answer. He wouldn't argue. He'd stay there until he recovered. Then, he'd go back to his ship and his rum.

It was quiet on the ride to the loft. They arrived late, the prince having already put the wee prince to bed. Mary Margaret quickly urged him up to Emma's room to rest, saying she would check on him later. Then, he was alone.

Looking around the room, Killian felt like the wall were closing in on him. There was a tightness in his chest making his breathing ragged. He saw her everywhere. From the photos- of her and Henry, her and her parents, her and her little brother-that adorned the walls and her clothing chest to the dirty clothing laying in the basket.

Killian sat on the bed, running his hand over her blanket. Had it really been months since they had laid here, so happy to be rid of that awful reality. Months since he had last heard her giggle. Since he had last held her. Last kissed her.

A choked sob escaped his throat as he threw himself on the bed, his face buried in her pillow. It smelled like her. Like cinnamon and sunshine. He buried his face further as the tears began to fall. His hook - finally returned after he left the hospital- slid under the pillow.

He couldn't do this anymore. He missed her. Missed her so much. Everyday he felt like he was drowning. He just didn't know how to stop. Didn't know how to fix himself. He didn't even know where to start

Eventually, his eyes turned heavy and he fell into a fitful sleep. His dreams were filled with darkness and Emma's voice.

Day 63

There was someone moving in the room. They were trying to be quiet, which normally meant that they did not belong there. Killian sprang from the bed like lightning, his hook found the throat of the intruder before he had time to process that it was Henry. He released the lad immediately.

"Bloody hell, lad. I could've killed you. What are you doing here?" His body was catching up to his mind, causing his head to spin a bit. He needed to sit.

"I just got back from Mom's. Grandpa said they brought you home a couple of days ago and that you have been kind of out of it since. I wanted to check on you." Killian had sat on the bed and Henry joined him.

"I'm…" Killian started.

Henry waved his words off, "Fine. I know. You've been saying that for months."

Killian took a moment to really look at Henry. He seemed subdued- his normally optimistic personality was absent. His skin seemed paler. His eyes were similar to Killian's - red rimmed. He also looked like he had lost weight.

Henry was picking at his pants. The once vibrant confident boy seemed unsure of what he should say. Killian tried to lighten the mood and bumped Henry's shoulder, but Henry ducked away and diverted his gaze by looking at the floor.

Killian's eyebrows inverted in confusion. HE reached out and put his hand under Henry's chin, lifting his face until their eyes met. What he saw made Killian gasp in shock. Pain. Undiluted pain. The lad was struggling to hold himself together. Struggling to be strong...for him. Henry was putting his own pain aside- to help Killian.

It needed to stop.

For the first time in months, Killian was concerned with someone other than himself. Henry was Emma's lad. Emma's son. And they had both lost her. They both had a hole in their heart that only Emma could fill.

He needed to help him. It was his job to help him. Emma would have wanted it.

"How are you, lad?"

"Fine." His response was quick and emotionless- like Killian's own.

"Fine, you say." Killian nudged Henry with his shoulder.

Henry nodded and looked down at the floor. He wasn't fine. Killian wasn't fine. They were both a mess. They both just wanted Emma back.

Gods, he had been so selfish - thinking of only his pain. He could have been here for Henry all these months. He should have seen the lad was suffering during all the times he had helped him research. If he had actually paid attention to the lad… Killian had been so wrapped up in his own pain he had missed it. He may have lost his love, but Henry had lost his mother. That rivaled anything Killian had been feeling. He knew what it was like to lose a parent. He could have helped him through this. He was a bloody idiot.

"I'll make you a deal, lad. You don't lie to me. We can pretend to be strong to everyone else. Pretend like we're fine, but with each other… we are always honest. We will get through this together...as a family" He needed Henry to know that from this point forward he would be there.

Henry's eyes went wide as he looked at Killian.

"I miss her." Killian's voice was soft, almost a whisper.

"I miss her too." Henry replied.

Killian turned and pulled Henry into a hug. Henry's arms tightened around Killian's back and squeezed. It was different- Henry's hug. He felt like was finally able to breathe again. His heart was lighter. He was feeling again for the first time in a very long time. Unlike when Mary Margaret touched him, Killian didn't pull away- he held Henry tighter. The embrace was an understanding. An agreement. That they would be there for each other. That they would get through whatever lie ahead together.

"Maybe tomorrow we can go to the library and see what else we can find?" Henry asked into his chest.

The library. He hadn't been there in weeks. What would Belle say when she saw him again?

"Aye, lad. Whatever you want."

They stayed like that that - in each other's embrace- for a few moments more before Henry stood up to go downstairs. Mary Margaret was making breakfast and she wanted them to come and eat. Killian assured the lad he would be down soon.

Killian glanced around the room. He saw Emma's smiling face everywhere he looked. But it no longer caused him any pain. He needed to be strong-for Henry. For the first time in months, Killian thought about Emma and he knew they would find her.

He just needed to ignore the darkness creeping into his heart. And he would- for Henry. And for himself. Because when Emma finally did return, he needed to be whole. He needed to be the man he was.

He needed to be the hero he was.

Thank you for reading and please leave a review if you are up to it!