Warnings: Rape, self harming.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I moved in November and just got my internet back a few days ago. So I hope you enjoy, and this wasn't beta'ed so you were warned.

~o~

Castiel had lived in his house for three months now. School had been going great, he still had his friends dragging him from class to class. Therapy with Ellen wasn't to bad either, they've been making progress, he was now able to shake her hand with out having an 'attack'. Castiel fidgeted in his seat as he and Gabriel waited for Ellen to be done with another patient. Castiel couldn't help but wonder why he thought everyone was out to hurt him. Castiel jump when someone burst through the door.

"Please calm down!" Ellen said.

"No! Screw you Ellen!" Dean yelled "I'm done talking about it, okay. It happen my life sucks so what! It doesn't matter anymore!"

"Yes it does Dean!" she shouted back "If you keep bottling up what you feel you'll never feel better" she said "I know your hurting Dean, this happens every year"

"You don't know shit Ellen!" He said before storming out.

Ellen sighed before looking at Castiel and Gabriel who both had shocked faces. She smiled weakly "Hello Castiel, Gabriel" she said "I'll be with you in a moment I just have to make a call" she said walking back into the room.

Gabriel nodded before looking out the window "That was Dean, wasn't it?" he asked.

Castiel nodded "Yeah" he said looking at Gabriel "Maybe we should go fined him" Gabriel thought for a moment

"I'm sure he's fine" he said.

Castiel frowned "But it's snowing outside"

"It's the middle of January. What'd you expected" he said.

"Gabriel!" he warned.

"What about therapy?"

Castiel stood up "Fuck it! We're leaving"

"I can see you now" Ellen said.

Castiel looked at her "Sorry Ellen, but something came up." he said "My mother has taken ill and we need to leave"

"Oh, okay" Ellen said "Send her my best wishes" she said.

"Will do" Castiel said as he pulled on his jacket.

Gabriel was shocked as they got in the car "You lied to her" he said.

Castiel looked at him "Yeah I know" he said rubbing his numb hands together "Are we going to sit here or..."

Gabriel shook his head "You just lied. You didn't stutter or hesitate... You could never lie before. You'd always screw up"

Castiel looked down at his hands "Yeah, well I lied a lot now a days" he said.

~Three years ago~

Dean kicked the snow on the ground as he slowly swung back and forth on the swing. How could he do that, Dean trusted him and he turn his back on him. Dean sighed as his phone went off. He pulled it out of his pocket "Hello" he said.

"Dean" he father said on the other line "It's time for dinner, come on home"

Dean sighed standing up "Okay" Dean heard his father sigh on the other end, and he knew he had something to add.

"Dean, your mother told me what happened between you and Azazel" he said "Are you okay?"

"I'm as okay as I can be" Dean said.

John sighed "Okay Dean" he said "Happy thirteenth birthday"

Dean gave a small smile "Thanks dad"

"Do you want me to come get you" he asked.

"Nah, I'll just walk" he said.

"Okay, just be careful"

"I will. Bye dad" he said before hanging up. Dean sighed as he made his way through the snow. Dean thought Azazel would accept him, but Dean knew that people wouldn't ever really accept him. He gasped when a chunk of snow some how got up his pant leg. He shiver as he pulled up his pant leg to pull it out. "Dean!"

Dean's head shot up when he heard his name "Azazel?" he asked as the older teen approached him. He frowned when Azazel smiled down at him "What are you doing here?" he asked.

Azazel was seventeen. Dean knew that their friendship was odd because of the age difference, but Dean met Azazel when he was seven and they have been friends ever since. But lately Dean had different feelings toward the older boy.

"I should be asking you that question shouldn't I?" he said with a bright smile.

Azazel was a handsome teen. He had straight white teeth, and short dirty blond hair.

Dean looked up into the boys odd colored yellow eyes "I had to think" he said his teeth chattering as the wind picked up.

Azazel took his cloves off and grabbed Dean's hands "Well maybe being outside in the snow wasn't the best idea" he said. Dean had butterflies in his stomach at how warm Azazel's hands were

"Yeah" he said looking at his feet.

"Dean..." he breath stepping closer lifting Dean's head up "I'm sorry I freaked when you told me" he said using the finger he placed under Dean's chin to tilt his head up more so he could brush his lips against his.

Dean gasped and tried to take a step back but his foot was stuck in the snow. He almost fell into the snow but a strong arm wrapped around his waist "Azazel!" Dean said as he was pulled against the teen.

Azazel chuckled "You should be more careful" he said leaning down to whisper in Dean's ear "Such a cluts" he said licking Dean's ear lobe.

Dean gasped "W-what are y-you doing?" Dean asked trying to push the older teen away.

Azazel smiled "Your so cute when you're nervous" he said "With that stutter of yours" he said nipping at Dean's neck.

"Stop" he breathed "A-Azazel I said s-stop!" he said.

Azazel let go of Dean "Why" he said as Dean fell into the snow "I want to be friends Dean. I really do" he licked his lips as his eyes scaled over Dean's body "But why would I let such a perfected body go to waste"

Dean's eyes widen "No!" he shouted before quickly getting to his feet and running.

Azazel chuckle "You can't hide Dean!"

Dean was panting as he made his way to the bike trail, he knew that if he made it to the end he'd be at home, but his knee gave out and he fell into the snow. He crawled over to the nearest tree to get out of site from Azazel. He pulled out his phone as his eyes filled with tears, he dialed his home number. Dean felt his knee throbbing as he brought it to his chest.

"Hello" Dean let out a sobbed when he heard his fathers voice "Daddy!" he cried.

"Dean?" he father said with worry "Dean what happened? Are you alright?"

Dean tried to catch his breath " No, He t-tried to hurt me" Dean could hear keys jingle on the other end.

"Where are you?"

"T-The bike t-trail" he said.

"Gotcha!" Azazel said shoving him to the ground.

"No" Dean said trying to crawl away.

Azazel grabbed his leg and dragged him back "Stop moving!" he yelled kneeling down, placing one knee on top of Dean's.

Dean cried out "Get off!"

Azazel grinned "I knew throwing you out of a tree would come in handy one day" he pulled Dean pants down along with his bowers just enough to reveal his ass.

Dean sobbed "Please don't! Please please" he cried.

"Stop crying, it wont hurt that much" he lied as he entered Dean roughly.

Dean cried out "Stop!"

Azazel leaned down "Happy birthday sweetheart"

~Present Day~

Dean shivered, he wasn't sure if it was because he didn't have a jacket or because of the painful memories that entered his mind. Every year... every year Dean hated his birthday because of what happened . After a year everyone stopped getting him presents and wishing him a happy birthday because he'd get depressed and upset. Dean felt a pressure of sadness on his chest as his limbs went numb, 'You're almost home' he thought 'you'll feel better once your home' but home wasn't close enough as that night played over and over in his head. Dean was cursed with a photographic memory, But he couldn't help but think he was forgetting something.

"Dean!"

Dean Jumped. 'He's here' he thought as he closed his eyes.

"Dean, are you okay?"

Dean lifted his head, 'Azazel wouldn't care about me' he thought "Cas?" he said as the teen walked across the road.

~Lost memory~

Dean watched as his dad placed a boy about his age in the front seat with him. The boy was silently crying just like Dean. Dean calmed down enough to introduce himself "I-I'm Dean" he said.

The boy looked up at him. His face was skinny, it looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks "I'm Castiel" he said.

Dean looked down at his stuffed dog "Here" he said placing it in the other boys hands "His names Beneficio, but you can call him Ben"

Castiel shook his head holding the toy up for Dean to take "I couldn't"

Dean push the boys hands down "I want you to have him" he said "He makes me feel better when ever I'm sad, I know that seems stuipid at my age, but my mom made him for me, and you seem upset so..." he said with a weak smile.

Castiel smile back "Thank you Dean" he said.

~o~

"No" Dean said in disbelieve.

"Dean are you okay?" Castiel asked again.

Dean didn't hear him all he could do was stare at the boy he'd forgotten.

"Dean?"

"I can't believe it" Dean blurted out.

Castiel was about to say something when a cop car pulled up. John quickly got out of the car and made his way over to his son.

"Dad?" Dean said "What are you doing here?"

"I got a call from Ellen and she said you stormed out." he said shrugging off his leather jacket and wrapping it around Dean "You scared me Dean" he said quietly. Dean bowed his head. John looked over at Castiel "Hi Cas, Do you need a ride?"

"Oh, uh no I was worried about Dean so I had Gabriel help find him" he explained.

Dean's head shot up 'he was worried?' he thought?

"Thank you, I'm gonna drive Dean home" he said.

Castiel nodded "okay"

John got Dean in the car and waited for Castiel to get back to Gabriels car before driving away.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean asked.

John glance at him "What are you talking about?"

"Castiel" he said like it explained it all. "I remember that night... and now I remember him" he said watching his father tense "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me forget him?"

"I didn't think you would forget him Dean" he said "You and Castiel were close from the moment I put him in the car... your mother and I made a deal with his mother promising not to tell either of you"

"But why?"

"For Castiel to get better" John said "I care about him just as much as you do Dean. Hell Your mother and I took care of him for a month and a half... But he doesn't remember anything about this town" he sighed "He has to remember on his own, so maybe then his past wont seem so bad"

"Does Sam remember?" Dean asked.

"Yes, and I spoke with him and explained to him why he couldn't tell you" he laughed "I'm surprised the kid lasted"

Dean sighed "But how did I forget?" he asked 'If me and him were so close how could I forget living with him for a whole month"

"I don't know Dean, People forget things"

"Not me" he said "I remember everything about my life" he said "I remember what I was wearing on my seventh birthday. I remember that I broke my arm because I slabbed in a red Honda on my new bike that day" he said trying to make a point "I don't forget stuff"

John sighed "you were going through a lot of stress Dean"

he said. Dean nodded as they pulled into the driveway. He looked out the window and watched the snowfall "Do you think he'll remember?"

"I think it will take some time" he said "Now go on get inside" he said.

Dean opened the door and sighed as the cold winter air hit his face "What about the Impala?"

"Don't worry I'll run up and get it after I'm done work"

Dean nodded before getting out of the car, leaving the warmth or the car and his fathers jacket behind. Though Dean was shivering as he walked to the front porch, he felt as if he were on fire. He opened the door and quickly made his way up to his room. His hands were shaking and his legs felt numb. He closed and locked the door before slowly making his way to his bathroom. He grabbed the sink counter for some support; his arms were shaking terribly as he looked up into the mirror.

"Stupid whore"

Dean felt his lungs seize as he fought to breathe.

"Stop crying you little bitch!"

"Shut up" he whispered to the air as his eyes clenched shut.

"You're such a pretty little cock slut" Azazel's voice echoed through his mind.

Dean slammed his back against the wall hitting his head "Shut up. Shut up!" he cried as he slid onto the floor. He gasped trying to breathe

'it will make you feel better' the voice in his head chimed 'you know you deserve the pain'

Dean lunged forward ripping open the bottom drawer. He pulled out the knife placing it between his teeth. He turned so he could sit against the sink, and pull his sleeve up ripping his wristband of. He hissed as the blade dug into his skin making it easier to breathe as a rush of pain shot through his system. He sighed and let his head fall back has the ruby colored stream dripped from his arm.

"Happy birthday... sweetheart" he said closing his eyes.

~o~

Castiel climbed back into the car brushing the snow from his hair.

"Is Dean okay?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel nodded "his Dad picked him up"

"Well you want to go get something to eat? we got an hour to waist" he asked.

Castiel shrugged "Sure"

Gabriel smiled "Good cause I'm starving"

~o~

Sorry for the long wait! please review. again this wasn't beta'ed so the will be alot if mistakes