Dear Blog Viewers,
Good day to you all. I do not think we have been properly introduced. While most of you might know my more…common and disgraceful name, Fluffy (honestly, what sort of pathetic fool would name their cat that?), I would prefer it if you refer to me by my actual name: Bartholemew Herbert Hadshock the Fifth. A rather long name, I know, but if you wish, you may call me Mew. Though I would not advise that, for I may scratch your eyes out for such an atrocity. You may call me Bartholemew for short. Any such nonsense with this Fluffy thing and I shall bite your nose off, and do not underestimate me. I once inflicted a very deep gash on a rather stupid and annoying Frenchman.
What is this thing, anyway? What is a blog? I'm not sure I am familiar with these strange…things. I have lived two years, and never have I experienced such an awkward thing. I do get the drift though—is that what those Americans say? Get the drift? Dear heavens, what is a 'drift?' Americans are quite funny creatures.
Well, I suppose I shall leave you with this: my blessings and good wishes. I am still not quite sure of the purpose of this blog, but I shall take this as my chance to communicate to the outside world. That dastardly fiend is keeping me locked away in this house, but he has momentarily stowed himself away inside his basement. Does the fool not think I know he is there? Such foolishness…
Regards,
Bartholemew Herbert Hadshock the Fifth
PS: What is a PS? Dear me, I don't believe I have ever used one of these before. This is quite exhilarating!