Dear Wanker

by Where're Teh Twinkies

When England loses his temper, he does what anyone else would - writes an insulting letter to someone whether he likes them or not, because it's not his fault there are so many bloody wankers in the world to day, and you are one of them.

7. Alfred Wanker

Dear Alfred,

Did you just call me a witch? You stupid wanker—I am NOT a girl! I am a WARLOCK, you stupid—oh, no, you mentioned that, actually, I see that now.

But no, cats are for witches, not for regular, normal people like myself! And why the bloody hell did you think I wanted a cat, you git?! Who buys a cat for Valentines Day? I swear, you are such an ingrate sometimes, Alfred!

And what kind of movies are you watching? Let me guess, stupid action movies your country produces, right? I mean, really? Bridesmaids? Is that how you idiots pass the time—watching heartfelt movies about backstabbing friends? Cloverfield—I mean, are you a complete wanker? Earth Girls Are Easy—what? Speed? What about that ridiculous movie about Thor? Or that godawful movie Inception? Or The Epic Movie? Not Another Teen Movie—I agree! Your media AND your movies are crap! I know it's painful to hear, but I criticize you because I love you.

Not really,

Arthur Kirkland

PS: Did you tell Romano about the cat? He sent me a four page letter about it! Or you told Twinkies, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? Well, I guess it's no surprise, I mean, she did teach you all the curse words you know. Of course, she never bathed you or fed you or protected you from other useless countries who wanted to steal you for themselves and who knows what your fate might have been then, but it's completely understandable that you'd rather go clubbing with her and your friends than come drink tea with me, completely understandable.