NiGHTS: Oh for the love of God, not again!
*camera pans over to reveal LTP bang her head against a wall, again*
LTP: *stops head banging* Hey NiGHTS.
NiGHTS: Why are you hurting yourself again!?
LTP: Well, I just got done reading this really, really, REALLY God-awful story that was written by some shmuck under the username DarkAngus.
NiGHTS: So why were you banging your head against the wall again?
LTP: I was hoping that if I hit my head hard enough, that I would forget ever reading that steaming pile of s*** he dares to call a fanfic.
NiGHTS: Oh come now, it couldn't have been that bad.
LTP: You don't even know the half of it. I'll tell you the rest after the episode, I'm sure the audience is waiting for the episode to start. So let's get through the disclaimer and start the show!
NiGHTS: LTP does not own NiGHTS into Dreams, NiGHTS Journey of Dreams, or Smosh.
blah = talking
blah = thinking
Hide and Seek
(opens in Jackle's room)
Jackle: Alright, I'll tell you what. Winner of Hide and Seek gets to play Dragonball Z on the Kinect first.
Reala: That's like the lamest prize ever! The Kinect sucks! Plus you're like the worst hider in the history of hiding.
(Flashback montage!)
*Reala finds Jackle hiding behind a window curtain*
Jackle: FRICK NUGGETS!
*Reala finds Jackle in the hiding in the shower*
Jackle: FRICK NUGGETS!
*Reala finds Jackle hiding in his bed*
Jackle: FRICK NUGGETS!
*Reala finds Jackle hiding behind a cardboard cutout of himself*
Jackle: FRICK NUGGETS!
*Reala finds Jackle hiding behind a lamp... That's right, you heard me. A lamp.*
Jackle: FRICK NUGGETS!
(flashback over)
Jackle: Okay, but this time I have a way awesome hiding space and you're never gonna find me!
Reala: Oh so I guess I'll find you in, oh let's see, 15 seconds!?
Jackle: Uh, more like 15 years! ... Dog years!
*awkward silence*
Jackle: 'Cause that's like, longer right?
*more awkward silence, then the game starts*
Reala: *bored tone* Three, two, one! Ready or not, here I come b****.
*the camera briefly cuts to Jackle, who is giggling to himself while hiding under the kitchen table before cutting to Reala, who spots Jackle's boots on the floor below the window curtain*
Reala: *snickers a bit and peels back the curtain, but Jackle isn't there* FRICK BALLS!
Jackle: *giggles*
*Reala checks the shower, and only finds Jackle's giant teddy bear*
Reala: FRICK BALLS!
Jackle: *giggles some more*
*in Jackle's room*
Reala: *fake acting* Gee, I wonder where Jackle is.
*camera shows a lump in Jackle's bed before Reala begins punching it, hitting it with a bat, and body slamming it*
Reala: Gotcha you- *peels back the blanket to reveal Donbalon*
Donbalon: *groans in pain*
Reala: Uh... sorry Donbalon. *pulls the blanket back over Donbalon*
Donbalon: *continues groaning in pain*
*Reala proceeds to walk backwards while whistling innocently*
Jackle: *laughs a bit more*
Reala: *frustrated sigh* Okay Jackle, you can come out now!
Jackle: *still laughing*
Reala: I'm serious man! Let's just end this stupid game, okay!?
Jackle: *still giggling*
Reala: *now playing on the Kinect* Alright, if you're not coming out, then I guess I'm playing Dragonball Z without you! Ka-Me-Ha-Me-Haaaaaa!
Day 1
Jackle: *writing in a journal* Day one, I've been under the table for three hours now. Reala is trying to lure me out, but I'm not gonna fall for his little tricks!
*flash back to Reala trying to get Jackle to come out of hiding*
Reala: If you don't come out, I'm gonna eat all you pink frosted sprinkled donuts! *holds up Jackle's bear* I'm gonna destroy your teddy bear! I'm gonna pop all your bubble wrap! *pops some of the bubble wrap* I'm gonna burn all of your playing cards! *holds up an urn* I'm gonna eat the ashes of all the pets you ever owned!
*flashback over*
Jackle: I am the best hider ever! That idiot actually thinks I left the house or something! *laughs*
Reala: Well uh, since I'm all alone, I guess I may as well go play with my junk! *snickers and walks away*
Day 6
Jackle: Day six, I finally found a friend in here!*holds up a slice of bread with a smiley face drawn on it* I think he's a guy, but I can't really seem to find his balls so, I should probably give him a gender neutral name like uh, Kelly! Yeah, Kelly sounds good!
*with Reala, who is messing around with some pieces of scrap metal*
Reala: *sighs* Man, playing with my junk just isn't any fun without Jackle here. He used to love watching me play with my junk. *puts down scrap metal* Well, since Jackle's not here, I guess I might as well have a circle jerk! *laughs and back flips away*
Day 10
Jackle: Day ten, Kelly seems down, I gotta find out what's wrong with him. Or her, I don't really know, I still haven't found his balls. What's wrong buddy?
Kelly: I'm just so hungry! We need to find some food up in this b****!
Jackle: I know, but there isn't any.
Kelly: What about Reala?
Jackle: I'm not gonna eat Reala.
Kelly: No you idiot! He has food!
Jackle: No, I'm not gonna come out of hiding until he tells me that I'm the best hider of all time! So shut your yeasty little f***ing trap Kelly!
Kelly: J****! Chill out bro!
*back with Reala, who is going through a yearbook and circling pictures of the people in it*
Reala: That guy's a jerk! She's a jerk! They're all jerky, jerky, jerks! I'm circling all these jerks! *sighs* Man, I'm bored. Well, I guess since I'm all alone I guess I might as well go masturbate! *throws yearbook over his shoulder and walks off*
Day 21
Jackle: Day twenty-one, Reala is still in the bathroom doing what kind of sounds like weight-lifting or something? I don't know, all I know is that I'm starving to death. *looks at Kelly* I need to find something to eat...
Kelly: No, no Jackle don't do that!
Jackle: Just, just one little bite won't hurt will it?
Kelly: Of course it'll freaking hurt idiot!
Jackle: *picks up Kelly* Just, just one little nibble...
Kelly: Come on silly! Think about what you're doing!
*sad music plays as Kelly whimpers*
Kelly: *whimpering* J****. *whimpers some more*
*sad music stops*
Jackle: Yep, thought about it!
*Jackle proceeds to eat Kelly*
Jackle: OM NOM NOM NOM!
Day ? ? ?
*Jackle now has a large beard over his face*
Jackle: *snorts and wakes up* Oh, what time is it?
*A Nightmaren that looks like Reala looks under the table and finds Jackle*
Reala Look-alike: What the hell are you doing down here!?
Jackle: OH! Reala! *come out from under the table* Well, now that you finally found me I guess you're ready to admit that I'm the greatest hide and seeker of all time!
Reala Look-alike: Uh, Reala is my grandpa? *points thumb behind his back*
Jackle: What do you mean Grandpa!?
*Jackle looks behind the Reala Look-alike and spots the real Reala, only much older looking, playing on an Xbox*
Reala: It's been fifty years since you went missing dumbass!
Jackle: Whoaaaa, is that a new Xbox?!
Reala: Yup, Xbox 36.
Jackle: How's the Kinect work?
Reala: Still sucks balls!
Xbox System: Searching the Internet for old men sucking balls.
Reala: *screams in horror* MY EYEEEES!
Jackle: Hey uh, speaking of balls, do you know if slices of bread are girls or boys?
Kelly: *from inside Jackle's stomach* I'm a fricking man you d*** biscuit!
Jackle: AAAAAAHHH! *faints*
*Jackle hits the table, then the chair, and finally hits the floor*
Reala: Jack***.
LTP: And that wraps up today's episode! Now back to our earlier conversation.
Reala: What's she going on about this time?
NiGHTS: Something about a user called DarkAngus.
LTP: As I was saying, DarkAngus pretty much took the story of Earthbound/Mother 2 and raped it, s*** on it, and then raped it again! He turned Ness, a sweet and innocent 13 year-old boy who goes out of his way to save the world from destruction, into a monstrous, psychopathic, sex-addicted Satanist who either rapes or kills anything in his way that doesn't worship the Devil. In fact, he did the same thing to Ness' friends, Jeff, Paula, and Pu, he turned them all into sex-addicted Satanists.
Jackle: What did he do besides all that?
LTP: I think a better question would be 'What did he not do to ruin the game?'. Here's what he also did, in the first chapter, he made Ness kill his own parents in cold blood and made no mention of King or Tracey. He either throws out characters because he doesn't feel they are relevant or kills them just for the hell of it, he puts in a s*** ton of pointless filler that has nothing to do with Earthbound, everything is poorly written, there's very little context, he skips over important parts of the actual story, too many immature sex puns, constant bashing of the Christian faith, too many inconsistencies, shameless self promotion of Satanism, unnecessary gender bendering, very little common sense and logic, and an overly excessive amount of unneeded sex and violence. In fact, he even killed Pokey Minch early on, and then revived him just for the sake of plot relevance.
NiGHTS: ... Wow, you weren't kidding.
LTP: And what's worse, every time someone leaves him a negative review, he just starts to b**** and moan like a whiney little brat and then proceeds to cuss them out and bashes on them in the beginning of the next chapter. This guy is a spoiled rotten little s*** who is in serious need of an ass whooping.
*LTP faces the camera*
LTP: And if you're reading this DarkAngus, go ahead and throw your little hissy fit. You'll only be proving what an immature brat you are, and it won't make your travesty of a story any better. Maybe, if you shut the f*** up for once in your miserable life and actually learn to listen, then maybe, just maybe, you could learn how to act like a human being. And FYI, I don't hate you because you're a Satanist, I hate you because you're despicable person with no regard for how you treat others. How can you possibly expect others to treat you the way you want to be treated when you won't even do the same? With that said, suffer in Purgatory and have a nice day.
Don't believe me? Just look up 'EarthBound: My Version COMPLETE REDUX', I guarantee that it will be painful to read. If you're having a hard time reading it, then try 'The-Irish-Clover: Thoughts on 'Earthbound: My Versoin TOTAL REDUX' by Angel of the Axis. The tasteful commentary will make it more bearable.