Read My Bullets
Announcer: Previously on NiGHTS into Randomness!
*shows Reala and Flame in a prison cell*
Flame: We're in prison. And it's really gay. ... *coughs*
(opens in Flame and Reala's prison cell, the lights flicker in the hall)
Reala: Raaaagh! *throws himself against the bars* DOH! Ugh...
Flame: *reading the Nightmare Times, then looks up to watch Reala do it again* You do know the whole point of prison bars is to not break from doing that to them?
Reala: Hey, at least I'm doing something!
Flame: *sighs, then notices something on the ground and picks it up* What's with this rope?
*Flame holds up a bed sheet that has been tied together into a makeshift rope*
Prisoner 69: Me and my old cell mate who were in here, we used to wrap it around each other's weenies and pretend we were Siamese twins.
*Flame looks at the prisoner, then the rope, then back at the prisoner. Then his face changes to a look of disgust and he drops the rope*
Flame: *makes a sound of disgust*
Reala: Wait, give me that.
Flame: Why? What are you gonna- *realizes* No, no Reala, come on don't do this!
*Reala picks up the rope*
Flame: We can escape, we can get out of here! Reala? Reala!?
*out in the hall with a sleeping guard*
Flame: OH MY MEGAS NO! REALA!
Guard: *wakes up and runs over to Flame and Reala's cell*
*the Guard opens the door to find Flame freaking out and Reala hanging from a noose*
Flame: AH HE'S KILLED HIMSELF!
Guard: Oh, oh s***! *takes out a knife and rushes over to Reala* Hold on, I'll cut him down-
Reala: *suddenly kicks the guard away*
*kick causes the knife to pierce the guard's skull and sends him stumbling face first into the toilet*
Reala: *on the ground now* Oh man!
Flame: How did you?
Reala: No neck, remember? Great distraction by the way.
Flame: *unconvincingly* Yeah, that's what I was doing...
Reala: Well I would hope so. *mimics Flame* Oh Megas, Reala, no!
Flame: F*** off, you don't know how hard it is to be manly while being distracting! *looks over his shoulder* Though, here's your chance to find out.
*a bunch of guards have arrived*
Reala: S***, that's a lot of dudes.
Flame: *sarcastically* Well don't you sound excited?
Reala: *doesn't notice a guard behind him* Fine, you sneak around the back like a p****, I'll show ya how it's done- *notices the guard* What the-
*the guard tazes Reala. Reala then reaches up and grasps the guard by the neck while being tazed, causing the guard to be tazed by the direct contact*
(meanwhile, with Flame who has managed to slip away)
Flame: *looks around the corner to find two guards having a conversation* Stealth was always my strong suit.
Guard 1: And she was like 'Oh I want a divorce 'cause you are just-
*the two guards look down to see Flame trying to army crawl past them*
Guard 2: ... Hi.
Flame: God damn it!
*Flame is about to attack the guards, but suddenly a large muscle bound inmate bursts through the wall for seemingly no reason*
Large Inmate: *grunts*
Flame: I take it you don't want to be friends?
Large Inmate: *grunts*
Flame: I thought not.
*the large inmate throws a punch at Flame, who just barely dodges it*
Flame: *screams as he dodges*
*with Reala, who is still being tazered*
Reala: Stop tazing me you a**hole!
*the camera pans up to reveal that the guard's eyes have burned out, his skin badly burned, and blood flooding his mouth*
Guard: *choking, garbled noises*
Reala: Oh.
*back with Flame*
Flame: Raaagh! *punching the large inmate's stomach, but doesn't seem to be doing anything* Huh?
Large Inmate: *smacks Flame away*
*Flame is sent flying into a wall, but quickly gets up and pulls a gun from out of nowhere*
Flame: Eat this!
*Flame fire a few bullets at the inmate, but they just bounce off him*
Flame: Huh? The hell?
*the large inmate suddenly grabs Flame by the neck, choking him*
Flame: *choking noises*
*with Reala*
Guard 1: *shoots a gun at Reala*
*Reala catches the bullet with his teeth and fires it right back at the guard*
Guard 2: Kick his d*** hole!
*a couple of guards charge at Reala, one brandishing a knife. Reala simply throws the knife wielding guard over his shoulder, then turns around and punches another guard*
(back with Flame, who is reaching for his gun)
Flame: *manages to grab his gun and shoots the inmate square in the chest*
Large Inmate: *drops Flame*
Flame: *gets up, growls, then starts shooting the inmate's legs* SON! OF A! B****!
*the inmate falls to his knees, then Flame strikes him with an inexplicitly obtained pipe, sending him flying. The inmate smashes into the fire alarm button, which triggers the sprinkler system*
(back with Reala)
*the sprinkler system has turned on as an alarm goes off*
Guard: Well that doesn't sound-
*Reala cuts him off by taking one of the guards tazers and slamming it into a puddle, electrocuting the guards into unconsciousness*
Guard: *falls over and twitches for a moment before going still*
*Flame wearily walks back over to Reala, dragging his pipe*
Flame: *grunts* Dear Megas.
Reala: *let's Flame lean on him* Stealth not work out for ya?
Flame: No, no, no it didn't.
Reala: Let's get the f*** outta here.
*the two walk off*
Flame: *off screen* Couldn't agree more.
*Flame throws his pipe off screen, it is seen flying past, then hits a guard off screen*
Guard: *meekly* Owww...
Ross: *over an intercom* Attention prisoners, do not panic. Though we are in lockdown, novel time will still be broadcasted live, via intercom, as scheduled. Oh boy! Chapter 52-
Flame: *sighs* Do you even know where you're going?
Reala: Not a clue.
Flame: Of course you don't, 'cause you never know where... *trails off then blushes hard at the sight before him*
Reala: *looks ahead* What the hell is this?
*the boys have come across several security cameras focused on the girl's prison. Some of the female inmates are showering, some are making out, and some are watching T.V.*
Flame: ...
Reala: Hey! I see NiGHTS and LTP!
*one security camera shows NiGHTS and LTP in their prison cell, hanging out in their underwear. NiGHTS is reading one of LTP's Mangas as LTP brushes NiGHTS' hair*
Ross: *background intercom* As a result, Terry's head quickly slapped against the underside of-
Flame: Well that's different.
*the two are suddenly ambushed by armed guards*
Guard: Get 'em!
Reala: Oh s***!
*the boys duck behind a turned over table as the guards shoot at them*
Flame: *pulls out his gun and shoot at the guards* Piss off!
*Flame manages to hit one of the guards, and ducks back down to reload, then he spots a cable connected to the girl's prison out the window*
Flame: Reala, take off your vest!
Reala: *kicks a guard in the chest* Whoa, you gotta buy me dinner first.
Flame: Throw it over that wire! *points out the window*
Reala: Good idea! *takes off his vest and slings it over the cable* Much easier to jump without it!
Flame: Wait, what!?
*Reala takes a running start and jumps out the window before Flame can stop him*
Flame: *slowed speech* What the fu-
*camera cuts to Reala, who has just broken through a window into the girl's prison and taken a guard by surprise by grabbing him and slamming his face into a wall*
Guard: *whimpers*
Reala: I'm lookin' for a girl.
Guard: *whimpers*
Reala: NiGHTS. Wears purple. Blonde hair.
Guard: Um...
Reala: Nightmaren? Nice girl?
Guard: Uh...
Reala: Come on, blonde hair.
*Flame suddenly breaks through another window by ziplining into the girl's prison with Reala's vest and shoots a nearby guard*
Flame: She's got a red gem in her chest!
Guard: Oh. Yeah, down the hall to your right. Second cell.
Reala: Thank you! *tosses the guard out of a window*
Guard: *screams*
Flame: Come on, let's go get the girls!
*the two start running down the hall
Reala: Girls? Who said I was gonna rescue LTP?
Flame: Geez, can you just not be a d*** for two seconds? Two seconds!?
Reala: Something about your obnoxious, psychopathic girlfriend just brings out the worst in me. *they reach the cell* Can't imagine why.
Flame: You are just- *quickly silences himself, whispers* Hold on, hold on.
*the two look around for guards*
Flame: We clear?
Reala: I think we're good.
Flame: Ok, so, I'm gonna get the girls. You clear a path so we can get out.
Reala: *loudly* Alright fine Sir Vagalot!
Flame: *whispers* Shhh! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Reala: Don't break a nail- Whatever.
*Reala jumps out of a window and lands on a rooftop where there are guards patroling the area*
Reala: Well!? Come on then!
*the guards start shooting at him*
Reala: *off screen* OH S***!
Flame: *watching from the above window* Why am I friends with you?
*Flame walks back over to NiGHTS and LTP's cell, which is guarded by two men*
Flame: *to himself* S***, there's two.
*in NiGHTS and LTP's cell*
NiGHTS: *still reading the Manga*
LTP: *now braiding NiGHTS' hair while humming*
Flame: *whispers* Psst! NiGHTS!
LTP and NiGHTS: *look over at Flame, who is signaling them through a small window in the cell*
*Flame tries to discreetly signal to the two to use sex appeal to trick the guards into opening the cell, but they don't seem understand right away. LTP actually shows Flame her breasts in a moment of confusion, to which he blushes hard. After a minute, the two girls seem to understand*
LTP: *seductive voice* Hey mister guard man, person, man, individual... man!
Guard 1: What? What do you want?
NiGHTS: *seductive voice* Whose do you think look nicer? *referring to their breasts*
*both are acting sexy to fool the guards*
Guard 1: *scratching his head* Um, I don't know.
NiGHTS: *seductive* Care to find out?
LTP: *licks her lips*
*Both guards get excited and eagerly unlock the door to the cell. LTP quickly grabs one of the guards drowns shove his head in the toilet while NiGHTS smothers the other with a pillow. once the two guards are dead, the girls quickly get dressed when a third guard appears*
Guard 3: Guess what?
LTP and NiGHTS: *gasp in shock*
Guard 3: *cocks gun and aims it at them* I'm gay.
*Flame comes up from behind and shoots the third guard in the head. the guard falls over dead*
Flame: Now that was pretty cool.
*Reala quickly runs in and closes the door behind him as an explosion is heard on the other side*
Reala: *sarcastically* Yeah totally. *walks over*
Flame: *flips him the bird*
Reala: You girls and your sign language.
NiGHTS: *waves at Reala* Hi!
Flame: *slings an arm around LTP* Hey.
LTP: Hey! *kisses him*
NiGHTS: Come on! Let's get out of here!
Flame: Okay, well Reala's cleared a path for us. *lets go of LTP* So find us a car, get out of here, and we'll catch up. OK?
NiGHTS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
LTP: Wait, what?! You're not coming with us!?
Reala: We gotta stop him before he writes another one.
Ross: *over the intercom* "Oh Terry, you beautiful man you!", she replied, wiping sperm from her eyes.
NiGHTS: You better not die.
*camera cuts to Ross' office, where he is covered in bite marks for some reason*
Ross: His face into Erica's unkempt, hair vag-
*Flame and Reala kick the door open*
Ross: What are you doing here!? You'll interrupt my novel!
Reala: *armed with a machine gun* I got a novel for ya! *cocks the gun*
*with a look of hatred, Reala fires several bullets at Ross, who can only flail around from the onslaught of bullets. This goes on for about a minute*
Reala: *stops shooting for a moment*
Flame: *also armed with a machine gun* Mind if I take chapter 2?
Reala: Oh by all means.
Flame: Thanks. *cocks gun*
*Flame fires several bullets at Ross just as Reala had. This also goes on for about a minute. When Flame stops, the window behind Ross shatters as Ross slumps for a moment*
Ross: *stays still for a moment, then looks up at the two* Heh. *opens his uniform, revealing that he was using some of his novels as a bullet proof vest*
Flame: What the?
Ross: You underestimate the power of novels!
*Ross jumps out of the window and into a helicopter just as Flame tries to reach for him*
Flame: *shakes fist at him* You're not getting away!
Ross: Oh, but I already have! *pitifully throws something at the two with a weak grunt*
*the object hits the wall and lands on the window sill*
Flame: *raises a brow*
Ross: S***. *to the copter pilot* Hurry up and get me out of here!
*the helicopter flies off as Reala inspects the object Ross threw at them*
Ross' Voice: "Well golly gee!", he shouted-
Reala: What the hell?
Flame: *takes the object from him, then goes wide eyed in horror* No... IT'S A BOOK ON TAPE!
*Reala and Flame flail it around in disgust and fall out the window and land on a car that NiGHTS and LTP found. LTP is in the driver's seat*
Flame: WAAAH! *lands on the hood of the car*
Reala: *lands in the trunk of the car* We meant to do that...
Flame: *groaning*
LTP: *looking at Flame with concern*
NiGHTS: No explosion or anything?
Flame: His novels don't blow up, they're just... really s***.
Reala: *from the trunk* Can we just chase him!?
*LTP kicks the car into high gear and drives off after the helicopter, when another helicopter comes up beside the one Ross is in*
Copter Pilot: *over radio* Hey dude, how's it going?
Ross: There are men chasing me because of my novel!
Copter Pilot: Congratulations!
Ross: Not like that! In the way that I haven't been dreaming of since I was a little boy.
Copter Pilot: Oh. I guess I could like, shoot at 'em.
Ross: That would be just dandy! Oh boy!
*the pilot starts shooting at the car with a mounted turret gun*
NiGHTS: Whoa!
*LTP swerves and drives the car out of the path of the bullets*
Flame: Tch. That thing's tearing us apart!
Reala: Wizeman Damn it! Helicopters are such ass****s! If I could just get above it, *looks out the window, spots a tall building and gets an idea* I mean I, I could kill it...
Flame: You can't just kill a helicopter, it's not a living thing!
*LTP swerves a bit too hard*
LTP and NiGHTS: Wah!
Flame: LTP! Dear Megas!
LTP: *looks back a moment* I'm sorry. *looks back at the road again*
Flame: *sticks head and upper body out of car window, draws gun and shoots at the helicopter* Piss off!
Reala: *loads his own handgun* I'm gonna go kick it's ass!
*the helicopter fires a missile at the car, but Reala opens the car door, which cause the missile to ricochet off and fly into the building Reala noticed earlier*
Reala: *jumps out of the car and heads for the building*
Flame: At least close the door! *closes the car door*
NiGHTS: Flame, look out!
*LTP skids the car to a stop as the trio are stopped by a roadblock consisting of spike strips, armored vehicles, and other types of road blocks*
LTP : Whoa!
Flame: *sticks head out the window* What the hell!? How'd they set up a roadblock so quick!?
Random Guard: Well, it's quite simple really. Our main headquarters is right there! *points at a nearby building with a sign reading 'NOVELHQ'*
Flame: *annoyed* Of course it is.
*with Reala, who is running up a flight of stair while an alarm goes off*
Reala: Damn it! I should really start reading the fronts of these buildings before I commit to murdering my way through them! *comes to a hall* Whatever, if I can get through that orphanage, I can sure as hell go through you!
*Reala slams his elbow into a guard's face as he says this, steals the guard's gun, and dropkicks him. Reala than rams the gun through another guard's head, killing him, and fires it at another guard, killing him too*
Reala: Yeah! Who's- *gets grabbed by a randomly appearing big red guy*
Big Red Guy: Since you're not gonna live through this, *show Reala his fingers, whispers* I picked my butt with these fingers and didn't wash.
*Reala grabs a knife from the big red guy's belts and stabs the can of mace next to it, creating a cloud*
Reala: *gets out of the red guy's grip and starts stabbing and slashing at him* I DID NOT! NEED TO KNOW! THAT S***! YOU LIKE THAT B****!?
*Red guy kicks Reala out of the mace cloud*
Reala: F*** you man! *holds up the knife, which has a purple heart stuck on it* You're supposed to die when I cut out-
*Red guy falls over, dead*
Reala: Oh. *shakes the heart off, points gun at another guard* So where were we?
*a bullet just narrowly misses Reala as a window shatters*
Reala: Oh S***!
*the camera pans over to the other building, where a sniper is camped out before going back to Reala*
Sniper: *fire another shot at Reala*
Reala: *narrowly dodges it* Alright, that's how you wanna play it?
*Reala takes his knife and uses it to ricochet the sniper's bullets away from him and towards the other guards. He manages to slice one of the bullets in half, which takes out two more guards behind him. Then Reala throws the knife out the window, which cuts the sniper and pulls a pin off his grenade*
Sniper: Huh? *checks his wound, realizes the grenade is active* Oh fu-
*the grenade explodes, then the camera cuts back to Flame, LTP, and NiGHTS*
Flame: *hands NiGHTS a gun* Here, take this! Anyone comes near the car, shoot 'em!
*NiGHTS accidently fires a shot a Flame, which misses him*
Flame: Gah! Not me!
NiGHTS: Oops. *sheepish smile*
Flame: I'll be right back.
LTP: Be careful!
Flame: *hops out through the car window* I'm always careful!
*Flame beats up one of the guards and takes his weapon, then beats up some more guards. The he finds a grenade and shoves it into one guard's mouth*
Flame: Oh look, it's your lucky day! *kicks the guard away and shoots him, then the grenade explodes, taking out more guards*
*more guards run out*
Guard: Get him!
Flame: *deflects one of their bullets with his own*
Guard: *girlish gasp*
Flame: *pulls out two rapid fire handguns* That'll do.
*Flame takes out several of the guards, then a tank appears and aims it's gun at him*
Flame: Oh my.
*the tank starts firing at him*
Flame: S***! *avoids the shots*
*Flame runs over to a nearby blockade, grabbing another gun as he does so, and dives behind it. Then he uses the gun to take out the guards driving the tank. he move to reload the gun, but it gets shot out of his hand*
Guard: Fire!
*the tank fires a missile at Flame, but he somehow manages to catch it*
Flame: EAT MY D***!
*Flame throws the missile back at the tank, destroying it. However, the explosion sends him flying back*
LTP: FLAME!
*Flame gets back up with some minor injuries, but finds himself surrounded by several guards*
Helicopter Pilot: *over loudspeaker* Freeze! You're surrounded!
Flame: *puts his hands up* No s*** Sherlock!
*the guards point many different weapons at Flame*
Flame: Well... I'm dead.
*over on the rooftop of the building Reala is in*
Reala: *bursts through the rooftop door with other guards following him*
Guard: Don't let him get away!
*Reala jumps off the roof, turning around and shooting at the guards before grabbing onto the helicopter*
Reala: *looks down to see Flame surrounded* Oh s***!
*back on the ground*
Guard: It's over! We have you surrounded!
Flame: ... I guess it's game over for me.
Reala: *from above* Hey Flame!
Flame: Huh? *looks around*
Reala: How's LTP in the sack!?
Flame: *blushes hard* What!? *looks up* Why are you asking me this!?
*back in the air*
Reala: *now on top of the helicopter* 'Cause this, is probably gonna kill me!
*Reala takes his shotgun and uses it to jam the copter blades*
Helicopter Pilot: OH CRAP NO!
*the helicopter starts falling into a nose dive*
Helicopter Pilot: WHAT THE HELL!?
*back on the ground*
Flame: *looking up* Cheeky little-
*the helicopter lands on the ground behind Flame, taking out half the guards. a pair of guns comes flying out of the smoke as Flame catches them*
Guard: What just happened?
*Flame unleashes a barrage of bullets on the remaining guards, killing them all*
Flame: *stops* ...
Guard: Ha you missed me!
Flame: *fires a single bullet at him*
Guard: *falls over*
*Ross' helicopter appears overhead*
Ross: *over loudspeaker* Impressive, I must admit! But you see, I'm up here, and you're way down there! And I just so happen to have *stick hand down pants* something sticky in my pants that can explode all over you!
*Reala and Flame have greatly disturbed expressions as Ross says this*
Ross: *holds up C4* C4! It's a shame you'll never hear how's Terry's furburger fiending adventure ends! That is, unless you have copies of my novel, *throws the C4 at them* IN HELL!
Reala: *over radio* Oh trust me.
*back on the ground*
Reala: *speaking into the destroyed helicopter's radio* We'll make sure they do.
*Reala drops the radio and grabs one of the copter blades*
Flame: *jumps onto the copter blade* OK, Let's not mess this up.
Reala: Yeah, my thoughts exactly! *throw the copter blade with Flame still on it at the helicopter*
*Flame rides the blade up to the helicopter*
Flame: *grabs the C4* I'll take that!
*the copter blade makes it to Ross' helicopter, cuts off Ross' arm, causing him scream in painas he drops the detonator, and jams the other copter blades. Flame throws the C4 at Ross, which get stuck to his butt*
Ross: My butt!
*Flame lands on the ground without injury as Reala catches the detonator. Ross' helicopter can be seen spiraling in a nose dive while on fire in the background*
Ross: OH BOY!
Reala: *pushes the detonator button*
*Ross' helicopter explodes, sending novels flying in all directions*
*LTP stops the car by the boys, and the girls get out*
NiGHTS: Holy s*** you guys!
LTP: *runs over to Flame, hugs him* That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
NiGHTS: *pointing at the sky* Oh God, novels!
*all four get hit with novels falling from the sky*
LTP: Holy crap! We just broke out of jail and killed a bunch of ass****s! I'd say today was just plain awesome!
Flame: Speaking of which, how are we going to deal with all these dead bodies? *points at all the dead guards*
NiGHTS and Reala: The usual way.
LTP: WITH A BONFIRE!