LTP: Okay, I know I said there would be drunken hilarity this episode, but truth be told... I got too lazy to do the 9 Drunk Nightmaren episode. So instead, we have some stand up comedy!

Disclaimer: LTP doesn't own NiGHTS into Dreams, NiGHTS Journey of Dreams, or the following bit of stand up.

The One Thing You Can't Replace

(opens in Nightmare's castle's bar, where LTP is onstage with a mic. in hand. All of the first and second level Nightmaren, except for Cerberus, are seated at tables, with drinks)

LTP: Another story I heard about myself, this one happened in high school. My cousins and I, we had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. Macnemera, and his son, Jake Macnemera, went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior, so he was two years behind me. And Mr. Macnemera was an ass****.

*everyone in the audience laughs a little*

LTP: And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town. Which you should never do if you're an ass****.

*Everyone laughs a bit harder*

LTP: And Jake Macnemera decided to throw a party at the teacher's house. *halfheartedly* Hooray~! *normal* And everyone around town had heard about it, and we all got up individually and thought, 'Okay, let's go over there and destroy the place.'.

*laughter, Jackle falls out of his chair*

LTP: I walked into this party, everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world.

*laughter, Reala chucks an empty bottle at Chamelon for no reason*

LTP: People were drinking like it was the Civil War and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off.

*more laughter, Jackle gets up as NiGHTS pokes Reala*

LTP: It was totally unsupervised! We were like dogs without horses, we were running wild.

*everyone laughs hard, Puffy and Donbalon accidently roll away from their table*

LTP: I walk down- I walk down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half!

*laughter*

LTP: Another kid found out which room was Mr. Macnemera's and went upstairs and took a s*** on his computer.

*everyone laughs hard, Queen Bella falls from the ceiling*

LTP: So the party was going great.

*more hard laughter, Clawz starts humming the Meow Mix jingle*

LTP: I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a red cup, you've seen in movies.

*laughter*

LTP: And I'm standing there, and I'm holding a red cup, and I'm starting to black out. And I guess someone said, like, *slurred* 'Something, something, police'. *normal* And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled, 'F*** DA POLICE!'

*laughter, Jackle falls out of his chair again*

LTP: 'F*** DA POLICE!' And everyone else joined in.

*laughter, Jackle is heard laughing hard*

LTP: A hundred, drunk, white children yelling 'F*** da police!'.

*laughter, Jackle gets back in his chair, still laughing*

LTP: With the confidence of guys who have like, already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore, you know like, *mimics a former felon* 'I SERVED MY NICKLE, YOU COME AND TAKE ME!', *normal voice* confidence.

*laughter, NiGHTS tries balancing a martini glass on a passed out Reala's head*

LTP: But white children.

*laughter, Chamelon just now realized he has broken glass stuck in his face*

LTP: The reason someone had said, 'Something, something, police', was because the police were there!

*laughter*

LTP: So a police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling 'F*** DA POLICE!' in his face!

*hard laughter, Selph climbs up onto one of the tables*

LTP: And he was almost impressed!

*laughter*

LTP: He was like, *mimics the officer* 'Wooow!'. *normal voice* And then he leaned into his walkie talkie and went, *Chicago accent* 'Get the paddy wagon!'.

*laughter, Bomamba falls on her ass while Selph starts doing The Hustle on the table*

LTP: And my cousin Tom, who is now a father, this man now has a baby, he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled, 'SCATTER!'

*hard laughter*

LTP: And then everyone ran in different directions! We all ran in different directions! It was like that scene in 'Ratatouille' when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways, we all ran in different directions! I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up onto the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I'm running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought, 'I've never climbed a fence that high before!', and then I woke up at home.

*hard laughter, NiGHTS has built a tower of Martini glasses on Reala's head, Selph is now dancing like he was at a disco, and Jackle falls out his chair again*

LTP: On Monday, I went to school, because that's what we did back then.

*laughter*

LTP: And I'm walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake Macnemera? And he says to me, *mimics Jake* 'Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?', *normal voice* And I said 'No.', you know, like a liar.

*hard laughter, Jackle rolls around on the floor as Reala comes to, causing NiGHTS' tower to fall apart*

LTP: And he said, *mimics Jake* 'Things got really out of hand! Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a s*** on my dad's computer.'

*laughter, Selph is now making pathetic attempts at break dancing*

LTP: 'But the worst thing', he says, 'The worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother. And my parents are freaking out about it.' *normal voice* And I had that thought, that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have.

*hard laughter, Clawz is now smoking a cigar made of catnip*

LTP: Did- did I do that?

*laughter*

LTP: I figured no, I wouldn't have done that. But I was never sure, until 2 years later.

*laughter, Selph is now dancing Gangnam style on the table*

LTP: Relax.

*more laughter, Chamelon starts poking at the glass shards stuck in his head and Reala's wondering why he is surrounded by Martini glasses*

LTP: I'm playing video games with my cousin Mason, that we also went to high school with, but it's two years later, we've graduated by now. We've been playing video game for a couple of hours, and then Mason says to me, *mimics Mason* 'Hey come 'ere, I wanna show you something.' *normal* And he takes me into his bedroom, and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have.

*laughter*

LTP: *laughs a little* He shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people's parties over the years.

*laughter, Gillwing is wondering just how he managed to fit inside the bar area to begin with*

LTP: And I said, *whispers* 'Why?'

*more laughter*

LTP: 'Why do you do this?'

*more laughter, Selph starts doing the Worm on the table*

LTP: And Mason said, 'Because it's the one thing you can't replace.'

*laughter, Jackle laughs harder as he rolls around on the floor, Reala takes one of the Martini glasses and chucks it at Selph, Selph gets beaned in the head by the glass and falls off the table*

Review if you enjoy stand up comedy!