She's barely recovered from having the got damned flu, but she couldn't stop to think about how much her body still aches when she was belting out the final bars to the Regionals playlist she'd been working so hard on. She ended on the high note, her throat on fire, waving hands raised all around her, the sound of heavy breathing filled her ears, and she lowered the fake mic from her lips, cut her eyes and breathed out, "I think we should do it again."
The groans from the other Bellas fill the air, and Beca knows they are tired, hell she's more tired than most of them, but they have to get this right. She remembers the faces in the audience last year, annoyed, bored, not entertained, and she'd be damned if she lets that happen again. She ignored Fat Amy whining, Lily pretending to pass out from exhaustion, and Marty's bitter glare as she stepped back on her mark, and cleared her throat. The other Bellas groan and bitch, but ultimately they are driven like she is, and they slowly and frustratingly get back into place.
"Sorry guys...it's just..." she offers but she's met with complaints.
"My knee caps, are about to fall off," whines Ashley.
"I can't feel my face, the smiling. I think my face nerves are in shock."
"I'm like...fucking hungry."
"I have to pee."
"Is Lily dead?"
"Can we do this? I have class at like eight in the morning."
"No seriously, guys, is Lily okay? She's not moving."
"She's fine. Let's just do this...and then we can go."
She partly feels bad for driving them, she hates exerting energy just as much as anyone (she's pretty damn lazy actually), but she knows this is the only way she can make this set work. Another two rounds and more insistent and defiant groans, she finally wrapped rehearsal. The girls dragged their worn bodies out the door, with Fat Amy still lying flat on the floor wheezing and Ashley having a very animated discussion with Marty and Robin.
Beca sat down finally, and downed her entire bottle of water in four swallows.
"I'm dying...my lungs...my bronchial tubes," Fat Amy wheezed. Beca just stares down at her poor room mate, and silently offered her her one of the water bottles, which she snatched from her position on the floor.
"You gonna be alright?" Beca asked, and Amy waves her off.
"Oh yeah, I wheeze like this all the time! No big deal," Fat Amy replied, sarcasm oozing in her answer. Regardless of her depleted state, she'd always have energy for that. Beca watched Amy make a dramatic scene of having to sit up to take a sip of her water. "Breathing's optional, you know."
Beca playfully rolled her eyes. "You're alright."
She's still trying to mentally shut down from rehearsals. Her mind starts filing all the mistakes, all the missed choreography and she hates that she gets so OCD about this. The Bellas had so much talent, and she didn't want to beat it out of them because she's so wound up. Beca shook off her anxiety, then watched Marty for a minute, realizing she hadn't spoken to the girl since she screamed her sexual exploits with Jesse at Marty. In a way, maybe she over reacted? She wasn't convinced she was, but surely she could have handled Marty a bit better. Hard to do though, when said girl is making a play for your personal man candy and then telling you that you're a hot mess. The dynamic has changed between them, and it wasn't good for the Bellas. Marty, while physically present, was even more distant and distracted. No matter what Beca felt about her own pride, she didn't think the girl was that much of a bitch.
"Hey Marty," she found her self calling out to the girl, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Marty hesitated, and in a small way, Beca felt triumphant, and then felt like shit. She's intimidated the girl that much and really, she didn't have to.
Marty walked over to Beca, and Fat Amy took the opportunity to sit up and eaves drop.
Beca's not sure what to say to smooth this over. She wasn't sorry because as much as she loved her Bellas, Jesse was the one person in this whole place she found herself giving more parts to, more than the average person she's encountered. So yeah, she's a little protective over their relationship. And then there's Marty, one of her new Bellas, a bit like herself, talented, and looking at her now with a confused look on her face. Maybe she should talk first.
"Look, I just wanted to talk to you. Last time, things didn't go so well..."
Marty grimaced. "Understatement. Seriously."
"Yeah...that...okay, well, put yourself in my position-"
"I think that was the problem, she wanted your position...under Jesse," Fat Amy offered but Beca cut her eyes and Fat Amy clamped her lips together.
Beca breathed in a cleansing breathe as she said, "No really. Jesse and I...I didn't handle it well, I should have told you he was my boyfriend the day you told me he was your crush."
"Well yeah, instead of screaming at me about him fucking you..."
"Whoa!" Fat Amy yelped, then remembered she was supposed to be silent.
"That was...that did escalate quickly," Beca nodded. "But in my defense, I had the flu, you wanted my boyfriend, and...you kind of called me obnoxious."
"I was just...I really liked him. He's a great guy, ya know. And I didn't know he was your boyfriend! How the hell was I supposed to know? Besides, I thought...well...honestly I thought you were kind of a lesbian."
"Uh..." Beca's jaw dropped and Amy clapped her hand over her mouth. "Nope...not a lesbian. Why would you...? Um...nevermind."
"It's the ear spike, isn't it?" Amy asked.
Marty shrugged as Beca collected herself. Beca replied, "Well, I'm very much into Jesse, so obviously...not. But you know what, doesn't matter. Um, what matters is that we do well at the Regionals. Okay?"
"Yeah, I think I can focus on that."
"Alright...this has been illuminating. For us both. You can go," she forced out, as Marty turned and left.
Fat Amy stood up and walked beside her. Beca turned to her. "Did you think that about me?"
Surely Fat Amy would tell her the truth. "That you were a lesbian? Not really. But I didn't think you liked boys either. I'd think you're more apt to fuck a unicorn than a human."
Beca furrowed her brow in confusion. "What?!"
A knock at her dorm door annoyed her because Jesse knows full well to just walk in when she mixing. She hates being interrupted and he hates being glared at, so one would think he'd avoid it by just coming in. But the knock comes again and Beca realizes it's not Jesse, it's some new person who doesn't know the house rules or that after four thirty in the afternoon, it's her mix time.
Beca stomped over to the door, throwing it open to see her father standing there. "Dad?"
"You gonna invite me in?"
She nodded and stepped back, watching her father walk in a take a seat on her unmade bed. She wondered what this visit is for, he's done well in giving her space and the ability to become her own person and not "the Professor's kid", so their visits are usually done at Sunday dinners or when she needs a ride somewhere and Jesse's busy.
He doesn't look happy, or angry, more pensive and concerned. He was looking at her computer, which has her current mix uploaded.
Suddenly, she wished she had changed into real pants and not her penguin pajama pants. The seriousness of this impending conversation is coming off him in waves.
"What a totally unexpected visit. What's up?"
He looked away from her computer and gave a half smile. "I know about your grades."
Suddenly her chest felt heavy and she's not sure how to respond. She'd been working hard...well...kind of hard, to re-establish a passing grade, but there wasn't much time. Between the Bellas, class, and Jesse, she's also still working on her mixes from her radio show.
"Dad, I'm working on it..I promise. It's not as bad-"
"Don't finish that sentence. It'll only make me more upset. I'm not happy right now. One of my own colleagues thought I should know my own daughter is failing his class. I mean, Beca, really? You have an opportunity here, and I thought we were clear on the rules?"
She shook her head. "Crystal, it's just...I've got alot going on and-"
"Class is more important. Nothing is more important than school. You're throwing your life away, Beca!"
He forgets this wasn't even her idea. If she had it her way, she'd be feeling the warm Los Angeles breeze against her skin and inhaling smog. But he pushed for her to come here, and she's here, and what the fuck else does he want?
"I'm not throwing anything away, and you are overreacting. I've already talked to that snitch of a professor. I'm doing extra credit, and I'm going to study more."
He looked back to her computer. "Is this studying? This is what studying looks like?"
"No...I'm taking a break," she said, getting irritated.
"Right, come on, Beca. I'm trying here. You have to try too."
"I've done what you asked!" she threw up her hands. "I'm here. I'm in school. I'm in the Bellas. I'm at the radio station. I'm invested. What more do you want?"
He sighed. "I want you to focus. On the right things. Which unfortunately means, you're going to have to give up one of those other things, Beca. You obviously can't handle all of them without one, the most important one, suffering. I know you think it's not a big deal, but it is. Free education, Beca. Free. There are kids getting rejection letters right now, and you have it all right here, yet you squander it."
Even though her father was right, she couldn't squelch the need to be a smart ass. "Well...technically, I'm doing beyond what you asked. I could be in L.A. right now."
"Well you aren't. And you won't ever be if you don't get your priorities straight young lady. Even your mom-"
"Oh please. Why are we even involving her? She couldn't even drive me to the airport to get here," she paused, drawing back this bitterness towards her parents that she harbors. She knows she's overstepping a line, so she cleared her thoughts. "Look, I'll do better. I promise, alright?"
Her father looked at her and sighed. "Last chance, Beca. Because if you don't get those grades up, you won't be going to L.A. You're going back to D.C. and getting a job, a real one. That's what your mother wants. Understand? It's your last chance."
Beca couldn't even look at her father's disappointed face. She starred out the window into the quad, watching people her age frolic around like there wasn't a problem in the world. "Got it."
If she could cite a physical location as an allergy, it would be the library. Public, private, academic, even a small set of books, Beca literally had an aversion to them. Maybe because before her parents imploded her family structure, her father's study was crowded with books, stacked unceremoniously in every corner, and then when he left, the empty space mocked her. She's not sure how deep it goes into her psyche, but she does know that she'd rather be anywhere else but in the library.
It's a maze of confusion, created by self important people who devised a system of organization meant to hinder the everyday man from finding what the fuck they needed in the least amount of time as possible. Beca crept through the stacks, huffing as she scanned the multitude of books she needed for her paper.
She made a promise after talking to her dad, she'd have to give up something, and she stayed up a long time pondering what she was willing to give up. She couldn't give up on the Bellas, she'd gone through too much with them. She did love her awesome band of misfit nerds who happened to sing with their mouths and dance with their feet. To leave them would negate one of her main reasons to stay at Barden. She wasn't going to give them up.
The other big reason was a boy named Jesse. She thought about all those cheesy romance movies he's forced her to watch, and she knew her love life is not as easy or sweet as that, because those chicks aren't real. But she really is in love with someone who loves her. For someone who rarely gets excited about anything (well except new mix-tapes), the fact that when Jesse comes into a room, or makes eye contact with her and flashes his goofy child like grin, there is this weird fluttering thing that happens in her stomach. When they have sex, she half expects him to cry, he's so fucking sensitive to her, but he doesn't. Instead, unlike most asshole college boys who stick and split, Jesse kisses her nose, her forehead, and her lips as he moves to lay beside her, and stays...folding his arms around her. He stays, unlike most of the people who have disappointed her in her life. Of course, he might ruin the moment by making a stupid joke about the being a sex god or something, but she needs that. He wants to be with her despite her smarmy little attitude and her patented death glares. Sure, its time she could be studying, but she'd rather be arguing with him about how vampires are not supposed to sparkle, than doing work. For once, she feels love from someone not obligated to care for her because of biology. How is she supposed to give that up?
Speaking of, her phone rang and bounced against the acoustics of the library rafters. She forgot this place likes silence...and goes to answer it. Jesse calling...
"Hello?" she whispered.
"Um...Beca?"
"Yeah... look, I can't talk right now."
"I was headed to the station. Are you okay? Why are you whispering?"
"Library."
"Oh. Wow. You're in the library. Are you lost? How'd you know we had a library here?" He's such a comedian.
"Shutup. I'll call you back later. There's a lynch mob forming if I don't go now."
She hit end before the collective glares from the other patrons gets worse. Finally finding her book, she pulled the dusty unused waste of paper from it's place and decided she was going to go all in.
His back was turned to her when she walked into the radio station; Luke was playing a Regina Spektor song she respects, and Jesse was humming it while putting CDs away. All of her afternoon was her mulling over making one of the most difficult decisions ever, but she decided she had to moved forward with it as she walked up to him.
He turned, and flashed a grin.
"Hey."
"Can I talk to you?"
He nodded and she sat against a table covered in discarded CD covers and vinyl they don't even really play.
"I can't do this anymore."
It tumbled out of her mouth and he cocked his chin and sat forward. "Um...okay. What happened?"
"I just don't have the time to do this anymore. School work, you know. I have to focus on school."
She watched as he covered his face and looked back at her. He's not mad, thankfully, but a little shocked, or annoyed maybe. "This leaves me in a bind, you know. I gave you what you wanted."
She patted her satchel and pursed her lips. "I know, and it sucks, but I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."
"Is it school or is it something else?" His eyes cut to the other man in the room, who still hasn't noticed her presence.
"No, it's not him. It's me. And school. I mean, thank you for everything, really. It meant a lot to me to get a chance to do this."
"Okay," he shrugs nonchalantly, and sat back in his comfortable position. "Sucks you just gave me the 'its me, not you' speech."
"Yeah..." With that, she pushed off the table and walked out, walking towards the other guy.
Jesse turned around and smiled. "Hey you! You survived the library! I was going to send Benji in there to look for you. But he has a phobia about bookshelves, so...that didn't work."
"Made it out alive. Barely. Hey...um...I just told Luke I have to quit."
"What? Why?"
"It's... I need to focus a little more on school and stuff. I just wanted to 'sort my priorities'."
He looked surprised and maybe a little sad she wouldn't be here with him everyday. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yeah. I mean, I am worried about the CDs, though. You're not a good stacker, sorry, I've wanted to tell you that for awhile."
"Whoa...harsh. My CD stacking skills are top notch," he smirked, then tapped her nose softly with a CD. "I understand. I get it. You have to do what you have to do with school, right?"
He shrugged in his boyish way and playfully elbowed her. Beca wondered if he realized he's partly the reason she just quit having her own show, and working with him everyday. It's either give up the Bellas, Jesse, or this job. She made her choice. She's not going to tell him, though. She had to give up something, but she wasn't about to give him up.
**THE REVIEWS. You guys are amazing. Seriously, thank you for all the great reviews. Please know I do read all of them and I am so touched by the response.
***Next up, the regionals.