Title: Frailty
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: As Olivia adjusts to her new squad, her family life is again shaken. She must struggle to find a way to balance her past and questions about her own lineage and her son's paternity while trying to find answers that her child's life are dependant on. Through it she's forced to re-examine the meaning of family, marriage, motherhood, and the significance her job plays in her life. This story takes place about a year after the conclusion of Undeserved in my AU series of stories and is a direct continuation of where Rollercoaster was headed.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. My stories are not EO and never will be. You may want to read some of my other ones for context on the characters in this AU first - though, it's likely fairly self-explanatory on its own too.
WARNING: THIS STORY MIGHT KIND OF BE A SPOILER FOR READERS OF UNDESERVED AND A DEFINITE SPOILER FOR ROLLERCOASTER.
THIS STORY IS A CONTINUATION OF WHERE ROLLERCOASTER WAS HEADED. AS THAT STORY IS CURRENTLY AT A STANDSTILL BUT I GET SEVERAL REGULAR REQUESTS ABOUT THE STATUS OF THE LIV/WILL/NOAH STORIES, I DECIDED TO PROVIDE THIS GLIMPSE OF WHERE IT WAS/IS HEADED. THIS STORY MAY EXIST AS A STANDALONE OR MAY EVENTUALLY BE ABSORBED INTO ROLLERCOASTER AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE.
Cragen couldn't find words. He felt like they'd had this conversation already. That they shouldn't be having it again. That it was somehow a déjà vu that was an even larger nightmare. It was even harder to find any words to say – to form an coherent thoughts – when his detective was sitting across from him looking so distant. That was different than last time. Last time they had this discussion Olivia had just looked tired. She had seemed organized but stressed. Frantic but in control. Sad but still in denial. This time she just seemed empty. He knew she was likely just numb but it somehow seemed to be more than that.
"Are you going to talk to your union rep?" he finally managed to ask.
Her eyes slowly came up to him. She'd been examining the floor in some sort of concentrated interest. Perhaps it was more that she was just avoiding his eyes and having to see what he was thinking or feeling and having to interact with that. Somehow Cragen was grateful for that – because he didn't know he'd found any words or thoughts or feelings that he felt comfortable sharing. He was still trying to organize any thoughts or words or feelings around any of this. To find something meaningful or helpful to say. But it was proving a struggle.
"I will," she allowed.
"You don't want to do that first?" Cragen asked. "To try to renegotiate your Com-Care agreement?"
She let out a slow sigh. "We don't want to weigh into that right now. It was … too stressful … having to deal with that on top of everything else last time."
Cragen tapped at his desk top. "Olivia … I really think you should talk to your union rep—"
"Will and I talked about," she cut him off with a sternness about her. A defiance. A mother bear protecting her cub that Cragen knew not to challenge. "I'll take the leave. I'll take it unpaid if I need to."
Cragen nodded and sat back in his chair and looked at her carefully. She was glaring at him – but there was a glint to her eyes. He could recognize the tears she was holding back.
"OK," he allowed. "You'll have to file that paperwork with H.R. but I can put in a good word for you. Try to see to it that it isn't completely unpaid. You com-care is still in place …"
She shook her head. "It doesn't matter," she said. "We've decided. He's not going to alone during this. I'm not going to be … wasting time … here."
"OK," Cragen allowed again. He didn't know what more to say to that. What could he say? She wasn't wrong. Noah needed his mother now. Olivia needed to be with her child. "Is Will taking some time off too?"
She nodded but also seemed to shrug, rubbing at her eyebrow. "We haven't entirely figured out his scheduled yet. He's more complicated. He's got his classes, his students, his research. Deadlines. Speaking engagements booked."
"I'm sure he'll sort it out," Cragen tried.
"He will," she allowed meekly. "It's just not a one meeting and some paperwork thing. It will take some time. He's been off this week too."
Cragen gave a little nod and tried a thin smile at that. He knew that William McTeague had been a key support in getting her and her son this far. It just sounded like it was now going to be a whole new measure of struggle – and one that might not have quite as storybook ending as previously. But Cragen didn't much want to think about that. He knew what losing a wife to tragedy was like. He didn't want to even begin to imagine what losing a child to cancer would be like. And, he certainly didn't want for his detective to have to go through that. Not when she'd already been through so much. Not when she already looked so changed – and so broken – sitting in front of him.
"What do you want me to tell the others?" he asked.
"Whatever you think is best," she said flatly.
He sighed and slouched back in his chair. "They're already asking about you, Olivia."
Her shoulders shrugged incrementally. "Then tell them," she said. It sounded like she didn't care. But he knew she did. Deeply.
"I know the squad has a different feel," Cragen allowed carefully. "I know they're still new. But they do care."
"Then tell them," she allowed a bit more sternly and again cast him a glare.
He sighed again. "Have you thought about protecting the Detectives' Association?"
"I'm sure the Endowment will be alerted as soon as I put in my paperwork," she said quietly.
"But the Detectives' Association has done bone marrow drives in the past," he suggested. "Maybe they could help with that?"
"We want to organize it ourselves," she provided at a near whisper. Some things didn't change – Olivia had always been about control.
"But they could send out a memo. Get more people coming out for you," he suggested but then backed down slightly when he heard the franticness in his own voice. "I could reach out to the Captain's Association too," he tried – getting it out slightly more evenly. "And the Endowment would be a good resource."
"OK," she allowed quietly. "That makes sense. I'll let you know when we've got it organized."
"Will your father-in-law be helping with the organization?" Cragen asked.
Olivia let out a slow breath and looked up at him. "We haven't talked to him about all that. But, yes, knowing Ted, he'll have the whole FDNY out."
Cragen tried to offer her a gentle smile. "That's good," he said. "I'm glad."
Olivia just went back to looking at her feet without comment.
Cragen couldn't think of more to say or ask. Actually – he could think of lots more he wanted to spew out. But he just didn't think that any of it would be helpful. He didn't think she wanted to hear it. He didn't think she wanted to try to form answers to any of the questions or demands he had running through his head. The thoughts he had on how to try to organize this – to get a task force on finding Noah a match as quickly as possible. To salvage this situation – for him and Olivia. And even for Will and the whole of the McTeague clan. That family didn't need more tragedy to add to their infamy. Especially not now that the tragedy would belong to one of his own.
Looking at Olivia sitting there all he could think of was the day Noah had been born. How he'd rushed to the hospital then when he'd gotten the call from Elliot about her emergency C-section. How Olivia hadn't wanted him there then either. But how he couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
All he could think of was the first day she'd brought the baby into the precinct and Cragen finally got to hold him. He'd been so nervous. He wasn't good with babies and he'd very rarely had the opportunity to hold any. He'd thought he was going to break Noah. His heart had pounded in a way that it rarely had in any of his career oriented situations. And then Noah had spit up on them. Giving a moment of levity for the rest of the squad – but only reaffirming for Cragen his fear that he'd broken the infant.
He thought about his visits while Noah had been in the hospital previously. About his moments of looking so sick and the fear then that he might be lost. And then he thought about the moments that Noah had looked like a happy, silly, playful little boy – even if he didn't look particularly healthy. But he was a bright, funny child even if he was somewhat reserved.
It didn't feel like this should be happening. It shouldn't be happening.
"I need to tell John," Olivia finally said at an almost inaudible whisper. "I don't know how."
"I can tell him," Cragen offered and Olivia slowly looked up at him. The glint in her eyes was more noticeable and she looked away.
They both knew that John Munch would take it hard. That for all the teasing he'd given Olivia over the years – he saw her as a daughter almost as much as Cragen did. That for all the ribbing about her pregnancy and who the father was and her romance with William McTeague – John Munch adored both Olivia's child and her husband. That he was so incredibly relieved and tickled he had the two in her life. And, that Munch would happily dote on either of those two boys like he did few other people. And both Noah and William allowed it. Noah to a point that his connection with the man was palpable when Cragen saw them in the squadroom together. There wasn't quite words to capture what he saw between the little boy and his Unkie Munchie – as Olivia had labeled him to finally get back at him for all his teasing over the years. But he didn't think Munch would tolerate any other name – not now. And, he didn't want to imagine the look on John's face when he was told what Noah and Olivia … and Will … were now facing.
But Cragen suspected John might already know. None of the detectives in his squadroom were stupid. They all knew something was up. It was just now that it was official.
Cragen didn't want it to be official. There were so many other things that he'd like to make happen. Some many other things that he'd bend over backwards to do for Olivia. But he wouldn't have imagined that having to tell her colleagues that her son was dying was going to be one of them. And, it was a duty, despite being Captain, he didn't feel ready to do. But he'd figure it out.
"Thank you," Olivia allowed, her voice quiet and cracking.
Cragen didn't think it was something he should be thanked for. And, he didn't think he should be thanked yet. Not for anything. But especially not for this.