So...I really had this chapter written a week or so ago, but I changed it a billion times. Then I scrapped that one, and went back to the original. Then I got drunk and tried to write some other stuff. After I got sober, I of course had to erase all that nonsense- then was about to post it, when I changed it again. So...in summary, sorry it took so long.

She was supposed to be focused on a promised mix for Aubrey, after much whining and passive aggressiveness, the blonde finally asked Beca to make her a mix. Of course, she was given a list of possible inclusions, so Beca was doing her best to interweave them.

Behind her, Amy's watching High School Musical Three. Beca acts like she's not into it, like she's above watching a Disney musical about high school drama, but she actually appreciates the idea of the movie. Sing and dance your way through your problems. A mediocre choreographed number will make things feel so much better. As much as she wanted to mock the idea, she agreed. Music can help you work through your problems.

Okay, so maybe not work through the issue, but music is her escape from any impending shitty situation she might find herself in. Her giant headphones slip so deliciously over her ears and effectively push out the nagging stresses in her brain, replacing all the jumbled mess with a language she can speak and understand.

Music doesn't disappoint her, not even the latest Taylor Swift catastrophe. It doesn't manipulate her feelings, or pack up and leave her family broken. Music doesn't make her feel like something's wrong with her, like she needs to change herself. No, music doesn't work against her, it defines her. She feels everything and nothing when she hears a beat begin to pulsate in her brain. It's a part of who she is, her mechanics are linked directly to melody, beat, and bass, and she totally has an evolving soundtrack to her life.

Like the Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, music offered her a way to escape. Take a beat, a sample, hear some vocals, and align it with a pounding bass...and there's the way to escape all the shit of your parents, school, and your jacked up brain. Music is all of that for Beca.

Music makes her feel better. She's aware she'd been in a mood lately...okay, like, all the time. She's been dealing with her mother's late night phone calls to bemoan her father's new life, then her father's insistence that Beca needed to detach herself from her mother's unhealthy dependence, and oh, yeah...school. Not to mention preparing for the Semi-Finals, but she finds that to be sort of an escape. That's why she loves the Bellas, it's something musical she'd gladly throw herself into. It just so happens she's made some pretty awesome friends there as well.

She's a fortified trap of feelings. Chloe can't even get her to talk about what's going on with her. She swallows her feelings back down; they taste bitter, but it allows her to steel herself and act as if she doesn't give a shit. But she does. She really, really does give a shit.

It had been officially ten days since the last time Beca had Jesse's lips or hands on her. She knows because she's counted. Her body is tense in every way possible and she is frustrated sexually, emotionally, and mentally. It kind of pisses her off, because she's not some nympho, but her body still feels it. How the hell can he have such a hold on her, they've been dating less than a year? She hadn't touched him in those torturous ten days, or kissed him, or told him she loved him. She'd done nothing, but sit at her turntables and wallowed over her parents' bullshit. She'd built a wall that effectively kept out the one person she just wanted to hold her right now.

Jesse, to his credit tried- he tried to call her, text her, come by, practically begging for her to talk to him. He left voicemails but she never answers.

"Uh Beca, I came out the bar and um...you're not here. Where are you? Call me?"

"Beca, I'm walking to your dorm. Are you still alive? It'd be nice for you to let me know."

"Bec, I'm starting to worry that you have developed some sort of Jason Bourne type amnesia. You probably don't know who the hell Jason Bourne is though. That Matt Damon movie, where you said it was the only time you thought he was hot, remember? Um...Are you mad at me or something? **CRASH!** Benji, dude, are you okay-? -Click-"

"Um...**sigh** okay. This is the last message I'm leaving, today at least. Call me, if you want. I'm not sure what's going on anymore."

The last time he showed up to her room to figure out why she was ignoring him, he looked at her like she'd stabbed him right in the chest. She could only muster up non committal answers and declarations that she was just tired and needed some rest, she'd call him later. Jesse masked it with a nod, and a wave before leaving her to her thoughts. She's aware she messing things up, she's sure of it. He's one of those guys, any girl would be happy to have, and there she was, stewing in her own feelings, and ruining one of the healthiest human relationships she's ever had.

Amy had put it in simple terms earlier that week. "Okay, so I'm going to tell you this. Because we're friends. And you need to hear this. Beca...you're kind of being a dick."

"Um..." Beca shifted in her chair. "Thanks? I guess?"

"Listen, I know you're going through stuff in your personal right now, but what kind of friend would I be if I didn't tell you to get your head out of your ass? Like, it's up there, far. I'm talking, 'get the map Frodo, we're going on an adventure' far. You're a bigger asshole than Bumper. And you broke up with Jesse? Prime man meat like Jesse shouldn't be abandoned like that. His fucking face, girls like that shit. They'll squat on that in a minute."

"We're not…I didn't break up with him. I don't have to be in his face all the time," Beca said defiantly.

"See, that's something a dick would say. A dick would say that. Like a big, squirting, purple veined, red eyed-"

"I'd like this train of thought to stop. Right there," Beca cringed.

That weird convo was a couple of days ago, yet Beca made no progress in her fixing her relationship with Jesse. Instead of rushing over to him and apologizing, she throws her battered mind into making music.

She's making Aubrey's mix. Because mixing, was just easier. Instead of letting him wrap his arms around her, she decides listening for feedback on Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love" is just really important right now.

And it was all in vain

Time starts to pass

Before you know it you're frozen

Frozen. That one word in the lyrics resonates with her. She's not frozen, she's just reserved. Beca knows she can be warm and fun and loving...or at least she hoped. She could smile, and laugh. For Christmas, Jesse thought it would be funny to get her a gag gift instead of what she asked for (iTunes gift cards are very practical). When she pulled out the stuffed reindeer singing "Rocking Christmas", she couldn't even hold her glare long enough to be taken seriously. Instead she leaned forward and climbed slowly on top of him because he just wanted to make her laugh. He makes her laugh, from somewhere inside of her that hurts when she laughs too much. So there, she's not frozen, or a robot, she's just hardwired differently.

Whatever, shut fuck up, Leona Lewis, Beca thinks bitterly. She quickly transitions to her next selection, Kelly Clarkson's "Darkside".

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

She hears the words, and now she wants to slap Kelly Clarkson for invading her brain with guilty thoughts.

She did push Jesse out, and now she has to figure out could she even save their relationship at this point. He's not going anywhere right? She remembered his face the day her dad dropped her off. It was painful for him not to get any warmth from her. It's just not fair really, how easy he can toss his feelings and love around, to Beca at least. He tells her he loves her often, in such a soft way that her heart melts. Then she punches him in the arm to break up the seriousness of it, but she knows he definitely loves her. She's just really sort of shitty at reciprocating that.

Beca moves the equalizer to insert bass and tries to find an underlying song to weave. She comes up with an artist she hopes Aubrey approves of; she came across Emeli Sande' "My Kind of Love" this summer. She'd been dying to share it with Chloe and Aubrey. But the song ends up making her feel worse.

I know I keep my heart protected,

far away from my sleeve.

But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,

it beats only for you.

Beca really does love Jesse. She really wants to be with him, and though neither of them are perfect, she wonders will it always be her inability to open up when she needs to, that will eventually break them? Jesse's definitely not perfect. Oh no, he talks when he should shut up, and he's incredibly goofy but she wants that. He does weird unnecessary things like he hums the theme from Star Wars when he eats, or that time he locked himself in Benji's sword box. She can't lie, it's so damn lovable. But she's the one ignoring how he makes her feel, and instead she's probably making him wonder if she really wants this relationship. Regressing just fucks everything back up.

But seriously, who the hell asked Emeli to give her advice on her love life? Beca sure didn't.

Moving on to the next song, she notes it's her favorite DJ, David Guetta's "Turn Me On" with Nicki Minaj. Finally, not some sad sack love song. A beat banger; Guetta was such a genius.

My body needs a hero

Come and save me

Something tells me you know how to save me

I've been feeling weird, oh!

Oh, I need you

To come and rescue me

Jesse's always tried to save her. If it wasn't from jail after the Regionals, if it wasn't so Luke could play her music, if it wasn't for him trying to draw a little bit of socializing out of her, Beca knew she wouldn't be where she was. Jesse didn't want to save her because he thought of her as weak, he just wanted her to know someone was there for her. He knew she wanted friends. He knew she wanted her music played. He knew she didn't want to go have to fight off a cellmate named Gertrude. He's worried about her. He thinks she doesn't want him anymore, but he's still reaching out. It's noble, beautiful even, but right now she just...can't.

Whatever, honestly, Beca didn't even like Nicki Minaj and might she add, David Guetta... so 2011. How the hell did mixing some stupid songs for Aubrey get so emotional?

A beyond irritated Beca drops one more song her playlist and pulls up the equalizer. Rihanna and Drake's "Take Care".

Cause if you let me,

Here's what I'll do,

I'll take care of you

At this point, it all becomes too much and she snatches the headphones from her head and toss them in the corner. Oh yeah, fuck you, Drake. And really, who takes relationship advice from Rihanna? Now she's totally losing it, allowing random song lists to completely mess with her already raw emotions.

She knows very well what she was losing by pushing Jesse away, she didn't need the help of haunting lyrics from various pop songs. Beca scrubs her face with her hands and looks at the screen. She makes a decision. Shit or get off the pot. She's going to apologize to Jessie for being this person who just can't seem to turn off her go-to mode of shutting down. He deserves better, and should he decide he just can't deal, at least she'd know she did try.

Jesse doesn't deserve the distance she put between them; he doesn't deserve to be be in the purgatory of a relationship. She worked so hard to let him in, only to shove him out and slam the door in his face over something he didn't even have a part of. If she loved him, she'd lay her shit bare for him, and let he decide if it's worth accepting.

She feels like a stalker. She knows his film lab lets out in five minutes, and it's nowhere near where she would be at this time of day, but she's going to wait. She sits on a bench nearby, people watching. He won't see her right out, she's blocked by some shrubs, and a light post...and oh god, she is a stalker.

It's kind of cold, the Atlanta air is finally realizing it's no longer fall, and she tugs at the bottom of her fingerless gloves. Beca's not sure what she's going to say but she's going to start by telling him she loves him...and maybe end it by shoving her tongue down his throat if he lets her. She's going to tell him what she's dealing with, let him all in, and let him see the fucked up mechanics of her mind and her life. She's going to allow him to tell her it's okay, and divorce sucks but it got her here, to Barden, where she is surrounded by people who care about her. He's going to take her hand, and tell her he missed her, and don't ever shut him out again, because he'll become a sad empty skin sack of a man, who would roam the earth forever pining for her.

Yeah, hopefully, it'll go something like that.

Students start to filter out of the building, and Beca stands up to move towards them. She cranes her neck to search through the flood of hoodies and knitted caps, and she finally lands on a familiar peacoat, smiling and talking...to Marty.

Beca's legs aren't moving forward, she's just watching him yammer on excitedly about something, and Marty's looking at him with these puppy dog eyes, soaking in every word. It has Beca transfixed, because she wonders if she pushed him far enough where he's considering...

Ugh. At least have the decency to screw around with a Tri-Delt or one of those brainless broads. Not Marty, not someone Beca knows. She thinks of just walking away or attacking them. She can't decide if its rage, disappointment, or sadness she feels most. She looks back up and sees his face, his smile, and the way he's genuinely happy. She decides to book it. However, Marty sees her first, and her grin disappears, causing Jesse to look towards the source of her discontent.

Beca locks eyes with him and tries to think pleasant thoughts that don't involve ripping out Marty's hair. His demeanor changes instantly from the guy joking with his classmate; when he looks at Beca, his expression is stoic and his eyes are hard.

Beca knows she fucked up. There is no way around it. It's the same expression he gave her last year when he slammed the door unceremoniously in her face. She deserved it then and she feels like she deserves his wrath now. She was the one who took to avoiding him for almost two weeks.

He just looks at her and they have this really strange stare-off with Marty on the sidelines, watching both of them. Beca knows she is the one that needs to fix this, and it seems like Jesse's waiting. He's always waiting, and it's as simple as telling him she's just stupid and in her feelings, and what her feelings actually are. But that wall she built is mortared tight and she just…

The bells from the tower are ringing, signaling it's probably time for class rotations.

The crowd of students grow thick in between them, and Beca uses that moment to scurry away. Wait!, her mind screams. Her feet however, don't listen. She doesn't even see Jesse drop his head defeated, and walks away from Marty, even more frustrated.

She's sitting in the front row, watching the other Bellas practice, the way she's staring at Marty could burn a hole in the ozone. Stacie and Lily are her fellow mean girls, as the newer girls are going over the notes. When did her life become a fucking soap opera? Maybe she can slap Marty like she was a character on All My Children or something.

Stacie follows Beca's eyes. "Why are you staring at her like that? Like you want to punch her right in the throat."

Beca shakes herself out of the red and picks up her water bottle. "I'm not staring at her. I wasn't. Am I?"

Lily nods.

"I didn't mean to. Marty's...nice," Beca sighs. Maybe Jesse deserves better than an emotionally fucked up girlfriend. She loves him, and part of that love is coming to a realization he deserves someone who appreciates him.

"She's okay. I don't know. Kind of bitchy though," Stacie shrugs. "Hey isn't she like...crushing on Jesse?"

Beca's death stare returns as she stares straight at Marty. "Does she? Haven't noticed."

Lily has some more sordid advice. "We could cut her face."

Beca doesn't even have the energy to object. In the corner, Cynthia Rose accidentally bumps against Fat Amy during choreography, and Beca can't even find the heart to correct her.

"Cut her face, that's not that bad of an idea," Stacie nods, but Beca just closes her eyes, and rolls her head backward. The drama of it, yeah, it deserves its own soundtrack. She tries to remember if in High School Musical, Vanessa Hudgens's character ever got to punch the blonde stupid one in the face.

The second time she tries to fix things with Jesse, she goes to the radio station. She knows his schedule, she knows he can't hide from her there. She strolls in, and almost bumps into Luke coming out of the booth.

"You," he says, like he's seen a ghost.

Beca just gives him a nod as a greeting. "I'm looking for Jesse."

Luke rolls his eyes while jerking his head to Jesse's direction. "Upstairs. Can't you hear him screeching Matchbox Twenty?"

Beca strains to hear him.

Luke deadpans. "I despise Matchbox Twenty. He's been singing that shit all day."

"Can I steal him for lunch?"

"Is that what the kids call it now? Whatever, just make him stop singing."

Beca smirks and goes to find her boyfriend when Luke says, "Beca?"

"Yeah?"

"Next time you come here, you better be coming back for your night spot."

She doesn't reply, just walks up the stairs, hearing Jesse's voice. He's not belting it out to his fullest capabilities but he's in the groove of it.

"…I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know..." He's bobbing his head dramatically and playing a half hearted air guitar. It's kind of funny and enchanting at the same time.

She rounds the stuffed shelf and sees him with his earphones plugged in, shoving CDs in random locations. Beca doesn't want a repeat of the other day so she gathers herself and taps his shoulder. Jesse turns around, thinking it's Luke, so he's in mid song, but when he turns to see her, he abruptly stops singing. She can't help but leer at his awkwardness; it's what she misses most about talking to him.

Jesse yanks the earphones out of his ear.

"Hey, Rob Thomas," Beca says. "Can we go to lunch? I really want to talk to you. I want to clear the air between us."

He seems hesitant, looking down at his hands wrapping the earphone cord to tuck away in his pocket. "Um, I don't know if Luke-"

"He cleared it," Beca said resolutely. He's not going to brush her off, she's done that enough for the both of them.

Jesse still doesn't seem convinced but after a brief pause, he shrugs, "Um, okay, let me grab my stuff."

They walk in silence to the dining hall and after gathering some food, they sit at a table and stubbornly stare at each other, wondering what the other is thinking or who's going to speak first. Beca is the one who breaks.

"So basically Amy alerted me to the fact I'm a bigger asshole than Bumper."

Jesse frowns and picks at his salad. "That's not remotely possible. Bumper was a born one. It's like…genetic."

"But she's right. I've been a big shit to you lately."

He nods, and there's a pause before he coyly asks, "Wait…Are you talking specifically about when you were ignoring me and becoming a total recluse in your room? Or every other day of the week?"

Beca narrows her eyes because he's getting his digs in, but she deserves it a little. Free pass this once. "Look I messed up. I've done this too many times to you, and you're probably sick of it. I'm kind of sick of acting this way too. But it's who I am. When something goes wrong, when I don't want to deal, I just close off. It's stupid and I know when I do it, it's hurting other people but…it's the way I deal."

Jesse just looks at her, his eyes are warmer, he's listening so that's something.

She's not even eating, just pushing noodles around with her fork. "I am sorry for being the cold bitch that I can be when I'm going through something."

"I don't even know what you're going through," he says quietly.

"My dad..." Beca says, taking a deep breath. "My mom and my dad are fighting over alimony. My mom had to move out of out apartment because she can't afford it anymore. She's putting me in the middle and my father keeps forgetting that I'm there."

Jesse looks at her sympathetically. He's softening. "I'm sorry."

"Uh…thanks?" she says, before taking a breath and continuing. "It's basically just my parents' divorce is kicking my ass..I just...I shut down. It's easier. It's easier to do that than to...you know...talk about it."

"So that's where you went? That night, to your dad's?"

"I went to confront him...or slap him. The plan kept changing in the cab."

"Which did you decide?"

"Confrontation. I'm angry but not stupid. Turns out there are things I was not aware of that he let me in on. I honestly think I messed up with my dad too. If that makes you feel better."

He shakes his head. "He and I should start a support group. The 'I Got Stomped On By Beca Mitchell' group. I can bring the donuts."

"Like I said, I'm kind of an asshole."

He looks off, shrugging his shoulders. "Meh, it's alright. I wasn't looking for an apology. I just wanted my girlfriend back."

"Jesse, I wasn't going to...you know. I should have known what I was doing wasn't helping things, but breaking up wasn't my goal or anything. And the other day when I saw you with Marty-"

"My assigned lab partner, Marty," he stated. "From lab."

He's trying to make a point, and she knows it but her female brain doesn't care. "She likes you. And you know it. And I was coming to talk to you and she's like all smiles and fucking giggles and you're smiling too, and I'm like-"

She stumbles over her words at this point, because that scene really did make her angry. And she's already angry enough. Angry about her parents' divorce, anxious of the unknown for her mother, angry she has to reestablish a new relationship with her father, and angry at herself.

She doesn't realize she hasn't finished her thought before he stands up and leans over the table, takes hold of her face and kisses her like he's desperately thirsty. His lips are soft and warm like she needed, and he just takes charge and kisses the hell out of her. Beca immediately melts into it, and sort of forgets her whole speech on changing and being better at communicating, because he doesn't seem all that interested.

His hands are cupping her cheeks and he only pulls back when a table of jocks start chanting "Tongue! Tongue! Tongue!' at them.

Jesse pulls back and plops down in his seat, looking sheepish and smug all at the same time.

Beca did her best to act like he doesn't totally affect her. "Ok, so, I had this whole rant before you attacked my face."

He just shrugs with a smug expression.

"So we're good?" she asked, looking at her boyfriend, feeling fully exposed. She doesn't know how she feels about that yet, but she's a work in progress.

"I dunno…" Jesse sits back and looks around the cafeteria before his eyes land back on her. "Want to skip your class and hang out with me?"

Beca gives a bad ass smirk, "Already skipping."

There's alot of heavy breathing, and Beca's pretty sure people might hear them in the hallway, not that she cares. Amy left the room when they entered, slapping her ass as she mutters something about squatting on his face. When Jesse looks at her confused and a bit intrigued, Beca just says, "No."

To the squatting on his face, that is. She is, however, reveling in the feeling of Jesse being wrapped around her, his skin hot against hers, the feel of his abs against her. She missed him, and though he was trying to be gentlemanly and take it slow for her, when she demanded his pants need to be off, like now, he didn't hesitate.

It totally freaked her out that she's thinking of them while having sex, but she thinks of her parents, and realizes that she can't take their burdens on herself. She's young, and in love, and she wants to be hopeful. She wants to be open, and she wants Jesse to know her, all of her including her faults.

Jesse admitted to her he also needs to work on realizing when she needs space, because everyone does, he just wants her to know he's there. And when he's planting soft kisses on her clavicle and his hand reaches past her hip and down her forearm, and he links his fingers with hers, she thinks of how Jesse might be the one. He's this very special guy who is meant to last for a while, because she's now willing to allow herself to drown in him and envelop herself in his warmth, instead of reverting back to a cold lonely isolation she knows all too well.

His mouth leaves her nipples and moves up to kiss her nose. "Stop thinking of Channing Tatum. It's distracting."

"I'm cutting and pasting your head on his body," she teases breathlessly, but he covers her lips with his and hikes her leg up on his hip. The pressure is glorious and she cries out a bit in his mouth.

"He's not that attractive," Jesse says, his hips thrust a little harder. "I really did think you were about to break up with me."

When he says it, she wants to respond but he pushes forward and her body feels like it's bursting, "I was about to hold auditions for a new girlfriend."

"Please. God. Shut up," she grabs the back of his hair. "When I break up with you, you'll know."

At this point, neither want to keep up the charade of talking, and their bodies move, causing friction. The twin size bed is squeaking. Beca releases a little too loudly, her black painted nails scratching down his back, and Jesse whimpers as he's close. When he's done, they just lay there and breathe. After a few moments, he slumps beside her and she turns to look at him. They lay there, all sweaty and gross, but it's okay. At least they are there together.

Jesse's eyelids are heavy as he whispers, "How will I know?"

"Will you know what?"

"When you're really breaking up with me?"

This relationship is the first time she considers going all in. She knows a lot of the hesitation stems from the dissolution of her parents' marriage. She's afraid at some point, these good feelings will fade. She doesn't know what their future is. These thoughts are too heavy for her to consider at such a young age. Beca runs a finger down his chest, and shakes her head.

"I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about you not being around."

Jesse leans in, kissing her neck, then he softly sings, "I don't mind spending everyday-"

"Stop," her eyes grow wide, and her smile drops, as his lips draw to her ear.

"-Out on your corner in the pouring rain-"

"Seriously? You know how I feel about Maroon 5," Beca protests but Jesse's still singing, so close to her face.

"-Look for the girl with the broken smile. Ask her if she wants to stay awhile-"

"I will get up and leave you here-" she's only half serious, but he breaks into a ridiculous falsetto.

"She will be loved! She will be loved!" his voice cracks a little and they both just crack up that he can't hit the note. She feels better. This feels better. The soundtrack to her life as sung by Jesse isn't half bad.

Nest Up: Semi-finals...

Songs Used:

David Guetta and Nicki Minaj- "Turn Me On"

Emeli Sande' "My Kind of Love"

Kelly Clarkson- "Darkside"

Leona Lewis- "Bleeding Love"

Matchbox Twenty- "Unwell"

Maroon 5- "She Will Be Loved"

Rihanna and Drake- "Take Care"