I hung up on Jennifer and looked at Dan fighting back tears. Dan was standing next to the door with a duffel bag slung around his shoulder.
"That was Jennifer." He nodded and looked away. "I told her were we just going through a rough patch so that means we have to still act like we live together in front of her, okay?" He nodded again, not meeting my gaze. I couldn't believe him. We had agreed to this a long time ago, why was he backing out now? It must still be Daniel and not my Dan, I concluded as the taxi pulled up. "Thank PJ when you get there and say hello for me." He looked at me this time when he nodded then froze with his hand on the door knob. He turned back and pulled out a thick pile of paperwork then placed it on the table nearest me.
"Just think about it." He muttered before shutting the door behind himself. I could not take my eyes off the closed door as the taxi drove away but then my eyes flitted back to the paperwork on the table that I had discovered before Dan got home.
I had grown impatient and decided to clean my frustrations away starting with the dirtiest room in the house: Dan's office. I went in with the cleaning supplies, shut and locked the door as I did when I cleaned so I was assured no interruptions, and was about to begin when I heard Dan coming in the front door.
"Phil? Where are you, we need to talk." He set down his keys in the fan made bowl by the door we kept for keys.
"I'm in your office." I answered simply then I heard him running through the house towards me.
"Phil! Stop!" He roared, I thought I heard frenzy in his voice. "Phil, I will break down this door." Dan growled through the wood.
"Why don't you want me to come in here?" I asked coldly. "Are you hiding something from me?" I joked but the silence and lack of reply made my blood run cold. "Dan?" I asked scared.
"Phil, just please come out." He rattled the knob of the door then tried to kick it, which made he moan in pain. I looked around to see if there was anything that would give me a hint about what Dan was hiding. As he banged on the door and tried again, I spotted something that looked out of place.
As I neared it, he ran off to get the skeleton key which he had forgotten about until that exact moment. I clenched a shaky hand around the documents and I heard him running back down the hall towards me. When he finally opened the door, we both knew it was too late.
I turned back to him with tears in my eyes and looked at the man I thought I had loved so recently and thought he loved me in return. I now realized how sorely mistaken I was as I lifted the divorce papers up and held them towards the one I had promised to love and to hold, in sickness and in health til death did us part.
"What's this?" I asked tears spilling down my cheeks as his eyes filled with his own tears.
"I didn't want you to find out until I knew what I wanted for sure." His tears choked his voice making sound like a whimpering child and not a reasonable adult. Maybe he was a whimpering child I thought savagely as I threw the papers to the carpeted floor and stalked out of the room. He grabbed for me and repeated over and over how sorry he was. I closed my eyes, sucked in a shaky breathe before asking a question I didn't want answered:
"What did you decide?" I felt him shake with grief as he shook his head.
"I don't know, I haven't decided-" I spun around and slapped his hand away.
"Bull shit!" I spat, my voice cracking on my tears. I cleared my clenched throat then asked again. "What is your decision, Daniel?" He knew he was in deep shit now, I never called him Daniel unless I was extraordinary pissed. He seemed to fall apart in front of me as he fell to his knees and gasped for air that wouldn't come.
"I-I l-love you!" He gasped looking up at me with tears falling down his red face.
"Don't lie to me!" I roared at him which made him cry even more. "If you loved me, you would have stayed with me!" He stopped crying and looked at me to see if he had heard my words correctly.
"No." He whispered simply, I stood straighter and shook my head. He doubled over in agony as I spoke.
"Daniel, I haven't seen Dan Howell, my Dan, in years." He begged me to stop but I went on. "I miss the man I married. I miss my best friend." He continued to cry but curled away from me and my words. "You are not him. I'm sorry but I can't live this lie anymore and apparently neither can you. Just remember, you said it not me." He shook his head now no words coming out of his mouth, only odd disjointed sounds of wailing sorrow. "I'm sorry Daniel, it's over." I left the room and went out into the living room while he packed. I was now left alone with only my horrible, unpleasant thoughts. So this is happily ever after? The cold voice in my head thought. Well la DI DA, isn't this a dream come true?
Shut up. My hurt voice told the cold one. The cold voice seemed to have stuck out its tongue, but it did shut up. How did this happen? I asked myself finally letting my head fall into my hands when my knees supported my elbows, completing the look of total defeat. That was when Jennifer called as Dan called the taxi in the other room. He was finished before I had and had stayed by the door until I was finished.
I was now staring at the divorce papers on the table. I checked to see if Dan had signed an of it yet. Some parts had starts but they all ended up being scribbled out in the end. I couldn't make out any of the scribbled dates but I could tell he had been struggling with this decision for a while due to how worn the paper looked. Like it had been carried around at the bottom of a bag then put away then taking out, looked at, scribbled on, then put away again; a ceaseless, never ending cycle. I almost felt sorry for the man who had battled with this decision for so long.
Almost.
I looked at the cover again. Not even the name spaces on the front had been signed, not even scribbled on yet. I picked up a nearby pen and filled in our names then looked at it again clearly.
'These are the divorce papers of Phillip Micheal Lester and Daniel James Howell.' The paperwork now stated without feeling. That was the thing that broke me, seeing the words in black and white, uncaring yet stating that an era was coming to an end. The best part of my life was now at its close. Dan had finally given up the fight and I was too tired to argue.
"No!" I yelled through my tears. "I know Dan is still inside that son of a bitch somewhere. DO YOU HEAR ME?" I screamed at whatever god, devil or deity was causing this to happen. "I love Daniel James Howell and I am NOT giving up on him. Not now, NOT EVER!" I raced up the stairs to the accessible roof of our house and threw them into the quiet London streets all at once, into a massive white shock of color against the dark, starless sky. The wind picked up and blew them away, all over the neighborhood. No Dan, not tonight, I'm not giving up on you. I thought as the papers disappeared into their corners of the universe. Either to be picked up, thrown away or never found again.
Almost like people. I thought as I made the decent into the now empty house but it wouldn't stay empty forever, in nine some odd months there would be little cries echoing around these walls. The only question is who would answer them; me alone or Dan and I together?