I was in the middle of editing our birth annoucement video, at Phil's request, when he called from the nursery.
"Dan, can you come in here please?" I groaned softly as I trudged toward it, I took a deep breathe before opening the door.
"Yeah?" I peeked my head around the door to see Phil standing there looking at three colors on the plain wall. He was wearing painting gear which involved a very faded, shared shirt of ours that barely fit him anymore and gray yoga pants that I bought him as a joke, because both knew how our inflexibility ranged; we had been more than informed of that fact from that video we recorded so long ago.
As the memory faded, he turned, smiled then motioned me to come in. I wrapped my arms around Phil's waist and rested my head on his shoulder. He went back to staring at the wall but a smile played at the corners of his mouth.
"What do you think?" He asked pointing towards the three colors on the wall. I looked to see a light blue, a pale yellow and a faded green.
"Why the blue?" I inquired pointing. "Are you hoping for a boy?" I asked smiling into his ear.
"No." He said quickly. "I just like the color." We stood quietly staring at the wall another minute before he asked. "What are you hoping for?" I felt all the color drain from my face. I had been pushing the thought of fatherhood as far from my thought process as possible because not only did it send me spiraling into an extensional crisis, but it still scared the hell out of me even though Phil and I were in good graces. I remembered hearding those heartbeats and felt like this was it for Phil and I, now it would be Phil, twins, and I for the next eighteen years, at least!
"Dan?" I snapped myself back into reality. When had Phil turned himself around to face me? When had I started shaking? "Dan." I looked up into his eyes which were light blue and full of fear.
"I'm fine." I lied smiling, shaking off the last few shivers then hugging him.
"You didn't look fine." He said worriedly but hugging me back anyways.
"Phil Love," I pulled him back at arm's length to look at him squarely in the face. "As long as you're here, I was always be fine." He blushed like I knew he would then I kissed him because I could. I knew at some point I should tell him how I had been feeling since we met Jennifer. Or maybe it would disappear like it had when we had first started dating. Maybe I could hide it for another few months. I thought to myself as Phil pulled away, held my hands then began swinging them like we did when we first started dating and as Dil did in those Sims videos of the past.
"So, are you going to answer me question?" Phil bit his lower lip looking up at me.
"Only if you ask it again and do that same exact thing with you lip." I smiled feeling very turned on by this little bite. He giggled then repeated the question, re-biting his lip, making it slightly red from the repetition.
"What are you hoping for? Girls or Boys?" I let my mouth ramble as I drew Phil in closely.
"I think I want little boys, to make things easier on us. But I have always wanted little princesses to call me their Daddy."
I thought another minute then wondered out loud. "We can't we have both?"
"How about this?" He asked but my eyes flickered away as he was explaining his hopes and dreams about our family. "If we don't get both, we could always adopt..." Phil followed my gaze, which was on the wall, then went back to deciding again.
"I think we should pick that blue." Phil pointed. "What was I thinking, yellow? I don't even like yellow!" He retorted. I didn't answer as he picked up a brush and began to paint over the yellow and green with the blue. I didn't really care in that moment.
"I'll make some tea." I mumbled as an excuse to escape the room that would soon be home to our future spawn.
"Or maybe I could do one wall one color..." Was the last I heard from the room as I raced downstairs quietly then held onto the kitchen counter to keep myself from slipping to the ground into a full extensional crisis as another wave of uncertainty washed over me like a gut feeling.
"What am I going to down?" I moaned mufflely into the tiled floor.