It had been a pleasant several days since Dan returned and Jennifer's appointment. It felt like my life was finally given meaning, becoming a dad with Dan by my side. I knew he was scared and he had extensional crises went he thought I didn't see him, but he should know that I know him better than I know myself sometimes. And, after years of living together and being best friends even longer, my observation skills were unmatched when telling what Dan was feeling. But I was in baby planning mode and knew he would work out his issues on his own, as he had when we were getting ready for our wedding.
I was at the mall, looking at baby clothes when I meet up with Jennifer and PJ again. She looked blissfully joyful and PJ looked, a little tired, actually. When Jennifer was trying on maternity clothes, I asked PJ what was up.
"It's no big deal, really." He reassured me. "Jennifer just has a more serve morning sickness but it's REALLY early morning sickness and it's a little hard to sleep with the sound of someone you have a crush on blowing chunks in-"
"Wait," I held up a hand and looked around to make sure no one was listening. I felt like a schoolboy as I asked "You have a crush on the girl that is about to have mine and Dan's baby?" PJ's eyes widened as he realized his slip up.
"Well, I erm, no?" PJ attempted to lie but there was no need.
"PJ, that's fantastic!" I hugged him out of happiness them being happy together.
"It is?" He asked as we pulled apart.
"Well, yeah! Jennifer is nice and you're nice and you want a relationship without any pressure..." I recalled the countless talks and phone calls with PJ where he was bemoaning the fact that he was single but he didn't want there to be pressure in the relationship in where she wanted to get hitched and have babies right away.
"You really think so?" PJ asked, getting excited that someone else made this realization as well.
"Absolutely." I affirmed. "Are you going to tell her?" I asked excitedly to which his face fell a little.
"I did, and she said it was stressful as it was having two humans growing inside of her and she isn't looking for anything serious right now."
"Oh man, I'm sorry." I felt my heart sink a little at the look on his face; then his face brightened.
"Don't feel bad, Phil. I actually think she likes me back, even if she doesn't want to admit it to herself." He winked and smiled.
"Really? How so?" I asked but just then, Jennifer came out of the store with a couple of bags, one in each hand.
"Hey," she greeted us a little breathlessly. "Want to hit the food court?" She asked us both, to which PJ replied.
"McDonald's sounds pretty good." He noted grabbing the bags out of Jennifer's hands as he asked me "What about you, Phil?" I was about to answer when my phone went off. I saw it was Dan and hit the speaker phone without a second thought.
"Hi Dan!" We all chanted together into the phone as we huddled around it in a little circle.
"Phil. Help me." Dan said in a dark toned, small voice. I took him off speaker and placed the phone to my ear as the smiles ran away from our faces.
"What's wrong?" I asked in a tone just as serious.
"Phil, I'm scared and confused and I don't know what to do anymore." Dan's voice crack as he broke down on the other end of the line.
"What? Baby, what's wrong?" I stammered as PJ and Jennifer listened to my half of the conversation.
"You said it: baby. Babies Phil, I can't handle the pressure of being a father so soon!" He cried in hysteria.
"What?" I asked shocked, then remembered his crises and realized what he was saying. "Dan, don't do this, not again. Please don't." I begged turning away from my friends and pacing. It was quite, I thought he might have hung up but then a broken voice croaked back to me.
"I already have, Phil." The line went dead.
"Dan? Dan!" I asked but I knew he was gone. "Fuck." I mumble as I replace the phone into my pocket and take off at a run.
"Phil?" Jennifer calls after in scared question. "What's going on?" But I was in a taxi by the time they caught up.
"No Dan, not this time. You can't do this to me." I growled leaving text after text, voice mail after voice mail, email after email until the taxi arrived home. I raced up the stairs, unlocked the door and opened it to a half made house. I say half made meaning photos, clothes, instruments, evidence of Dan were all gone. The house, my world, my heart were all missing a gigantic half that only the presence of my missing love of my life could restore. But the question remaining was: Where was he?
I fell to my knees and cried, hard. I let the sobs shake over my body like a never-ending wave after wave of unimaginable sadness, hurt, and pain that only a broken heart can feel.
"No, no, no, no." I whimper as I crawl through the house looking for anything that resembled Dan. I finally made it to the bedroom and found his lama hat with my laptop beside it. A sticky note told me to watch the video named 'Sorry'. I found the video and watched my extensionally fraught husband try to explain himself but I only got to the part where he said 'Don't try to look for me.' Before I slammed the laptop shut and screamed into the hat "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" I cried and cried and cried until I drifted into unconsciousness.
The nightmares to follow were ones I still can't quite wake myself up from.