CHAPTER FIVE- 'TWAS BUT A SCRATCH!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Clone Wars. I do own Sierra, Hero, and Velvet. (more about her later).

This is where the story gets pretty farcical, so hold onto your hats, folks.

LUX

Predictably, Steela's the one who drags us out of the prison.

Saw's too busy babbling incoherently, Sierra's jaw hasn't moved from its O shape…and I'm running my mouth.

"How the heck did you survive that? Nobody could have?" I demand.

Steela tugs Saw and Sierra down a corner, when she suddenly doubles over. "Man, am I out of shape!" she wheezes.

I lift my comlink to my lips. "Hutch, Hero, we need a quick exit."

"Do you have Sierra?" Hero asks.

"Yes, and someone else."

"Who?"

"You're not going to believe me if I say, Hero."

…

Hero screamed like a little girl when Steela walked out with us, huffing and puffing. Since neither she nor Hutch was in shape to drive, Saw got behind the wheel.

Something to remember: Saw is a really, really bad driver. Hutch thinks he only got his license because the instructor didn't want to sit through another attempt.

A few minutes of total silence went by, when Steela broached a very good point.

"So, where are we going?"

I blinked.

"Well, we can't go to my house. They'll look for you there." Saw said.

"We can't go to mine, either. They'll be looking for me!" Sierra pipes up.

"My house is open." Hero deadpans. "While we drive, how about Steela fills us in on how she's still alive?"

"It didn't come free, Hero. They had to operate on my spine, and I think I probably have some new vertebrae in there. I spent a long time in a bacta tank and even longer in a coma." She bites her lip. "Whoever saw what happened on the cliff was right. Dendup pushed me. I was in a coma when you and Saw found me. But when they took me away, I was flown straight into surgery…at least, that's what they say."

"If Dendup pushed you, then why did they go to all the trouble of saving your life?" I ask.

Steela shakes her head as we turn another corner. "There's something going on. Dendup called it the Lazarus Project."

"SAW! The speed limit is 35! You're going 60!" Sierra shrieks.

Lazarus. The name rings a bell. I remember paintings from a Senator's home, of a man walking out of a burial tomb.

"They wanted to keep me there until…something…happens. Then, they were going to pull me out and use me to get the people on their side. I would be their own personal pawn. A Lazarus."

Saw scoffs, reducing his speed by about one mile per hour. "You? A pawn? Hard to believe."

"It wouldn't have been the same me, Saw. They've been playing mind games with me ever since I woke up. First off, they showed me a hologram of Ahsoka dropping me and in the holo, she does it on purpose in retribution for kissing Lux."

My cheeks turn red. Steela's flush in kind. "I'm so sorry, Lux. I just had a feeling something bad was going to happen that day, it was just a crazy, spur of the moment thing. And Saw, seriously, slow down. We're gonna get pulled over."

"Hey, it's all good," I reply. "Like you said, it was just in case."

Steela doesn't even seem to hear me. "When that didn't work, they turned out the lights in the cell. I still didn't do anything, and that's when they brought out their weapons to turn me into what they wanted." She shudders. "Cellmates."

Saw pulls up to an intersection, about to make a left-hand turn. Hutch grabs the armrests. "Saw, you don't have clear distance. Wait for that guy to go by."

"We don't have time!" Saw snaps and stomps on the gas. We careen past the oncoming car, whose driver salutes us with one raised finger. It is not the thumb, index, ring, or pinky finger.

After the obligatory yelling at Saw, Steela continues her story. "When they brought the first one in, I was happy to have somebody to talk to, but…ugh!" She shudders. "Her name was Mary Sue, and she was perfect. Seriously, I mean perfect. She had beautiful blond hair, and eyes that glowed in the dark. When she sang, it was like an angel had descended from heaven. Everybody, even the guards, thought she was smokin' hot. They would throw themselves at her feet. But she spent forever whining about her tragic backstory, which is like something from a soap opera. And then, it turned out that she's an heiress to a huge fortune, or something. I kind of started tuning it out at that point. She was just. So. Annoyingly. Perfect!"

"You've dealt with annoying people before." Hutch brings up. "But you're a good leader."

"Hutch, you haven't even begun to imagine annoying until you've met Mary Sue. After I tried to throttle the first Mary Sue, they sent in another one. They all just started blending together, and their names were really long and confusing, so I just started calling all of them Mary Sue." Steela rubs her temples. "Oh, Force! There were so many of them. The worst one was this chick named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. She spent the whole time calling me a 'prep' and obsessing over Hot Topic. But don't worry, they eventually got sick of her and sent her somewhere called 'Hogwarts'…Saw, isn't Hero's house right from here?"

Saw turns right. He sort of misses the actual street. Fortunately, the people who live on that corner don't have anything in their front yard.

"Do you hate the traffic laws? Is that it? Do you just hate the traffic laws?" I demand.

"I can't drive with people complaining, Bonteri." Saw snaps.

"You can't drive at all!" Hero yells.

"Get out of the driver's seat. Let me drive!" Hutch snaps.

"No way!"

"Wait," Sierra interrupts. "You thought I was a Mary Sue?"

Steela pats her shoulder. "Sorry, Sierra. But you're related to Lux, and that already means you're treading in dangerous territory."

"Just because I'm related to Lux?"

Steela rolls her eyes. "You're not the first sibling. A Mary Sue or two said she was Lux's sister as well. One of them claimed to be Ahsoka's sister. But the worst one…I remember her. Her name was Velvet Sparkles Kitty Giggles Rainbow Sprinkles Gerrera."

"Velvet Sparkles Kitty…what?" Hutch asks.

"Hold it, did you just say Gerrera?" Hero interrupts.

"She said she was my long-lost twin sister." Steela says. "I broke down sobbing. I kid you not, guys. I cried like a baby for so long, they sent a nurse in because they thought something was wrong with me."

"Don't worry," Hero soothes. "You probably won't see her ever again…Saw? Saw, my apartment building is on the right, with the purple garden."

Saw jerks the wheel to the right.

"Turn signal. TURN SIGNAL!" I scream.

Saw swats back indiscriminately, and smacks me in the face. My nose flares with pain.

"Ow!" I bawl, touching my nose to examine it for damage.

"It couldn't look any worse if I broke it." Saw mumbles, parking in Hero's parking spot.

Hero snorts. "Wait for me to get my house open. When I do, Steela, run like your life depends on it. Because it does."

(A/N. I know the whole Mary Sue bashing thing has been done, but I couldn't help myself. It opens up a world of story possibilities for me. With that in mind, I'd like everyone to know that I'm not bashing any particular character (except for Ebony. Who, by the way, belongs to the person who wrote "My Immortal" and not me). I am simply making fun of the concept of Mary Sue at large. And I'm not perfect. As I said before, this whole Mary Sue thing is also a device for me to make fun of Sierra's Sueish-ness.

Also, thank you to Kasai1214 and Starwarshobbitfics for your reviews! I guess I threw you guys for a loop last chapter. And another thank you to serivcepeople everywhere, in honor of Memorial Day. It's a bit early where I live, but better early than never

So, what did everyone think? Does Steela's story make sense, or have I crossed the line? Please drop a review, and constructive criticism is appreciated. Flames, on the other hand, are only good for Memorial Day barbecues.)