CHAPTER EIGHT: WE GET CHASED BY MARY SUES
Halfway to Tandin's house, Lux's face goes pale.
"Hero."
"What?" Saw asks.
"Hero's going to my house to get some of my stuff. If Dendup's flunkies are watching, then they could follow her."
Hutch whips out his comlink, and calls information.
"I need the Good Eats Diner, pronto!" he orders.
….
At the Good Eats Diner, a waitress picked up the phone.
"Thank you for calling the Good Eats Diner. This is Valerie speaking. How may I help you?"
"Can I talk to Hero, please?"
"Let me look around for her," Valerie said, and just then Hero zipped by carrying a tray full of food.
Valerie counted to five, and then went back to the phone.
"I'm sorry, she's busy. Can I take a message?"
"No thanks. Just tell her to call Hutch as soon as possible. It's urgent."
"Thank you, sir." Valerie said, and the caller hung up.
No sooner had the young waitress put the phone down when the hostess led a small busload of people into her section. Valerie grabbed her pen and zoomed off to take drink orders, find high chairs, and shove tables together.
After the order for jawa juice, she'd forgotten all about the phone call.
….
"That's it," Hutch says after two hours and still no call from Hero. "I'm going over there to tell her in person."
When Hutch is gone, Tandin turns to the other kids. "Head for the back room and figure out sleeping arrangements. I don't want any of you sleeping in the bathtub."
Lux starts to laugh before he realizes that making him sleep in the bathtub would be a Saw move. The kids head off off for the back room.
While Lux and Sierra are arguing over who gets the easy chair and who gets the sleeping bag, the doorbell rings.
SIERRA
"Hi, General Tandin!" A perfectly perfect voice that sounds like wind chimes, flute music, and sunshine calls out.
Steela freezes. "Oh…heck no!" she whispers.
I push my bangs back over my forehead. "Oh my Force. Is she omniscient?"
"Be quiet," Saw whispers, and we tune in to the Mary Sue at the door.
"Anyways," Velvet Sparkles Something I Don't Care About chirps, "Since my sissy and bubby kicked me out, which totally added to my traumatic backstory, I figured I should move in with you! That way, we can work together on our quest to find them and either turn them to our side with the sheer force of my awesomeness, and not with any logic or anything!"
All the color drains from Steela's face.
"He's not going to do that, right?" Lux whispers.
"From what the other Sues told me, she'll expect him to roll out the red carpet." Steela whispers. "Some of them said that the person they moved in with had a fully-decorated bedroom just waiting for them."
"Oh, I'm flattered." Tandin says. "But unfortunately, my house is a bit subpar at the moment."
"Really? How?" Velvet Sparkles sings.
It takes me a few seconds for the news to sink in.
Oh gosh, Sierra. How do you wreck a house without actually causing damage?
And that's when I get an idea.
I tap Hutch's shoulder. "Go unplug everything in the house, anything that could create a spark." I whisper, standing up.
"What are you going to- Sierra!" Steela whispers.
Ignoring her, I tiptoe into Tandin's kitchen. There on the stove flickers a tiny blue flame. The pilot light. I blow it out like a birthday candle.
"For starters," Tandin says once he starts to smell the gas, "There's a gas leak. I have to call the company to get it fixed.
Lux tiptoes down into the utility room to shut off the gas, while Steela and I tune back in to Velvet Sparkles.
"Oh! Well, when is someone coming to fix it?"
"I have an idea, Velvet." Tandin half-begs. "How about I pay for you to stay in a hotel?"
Velvet Sparkles pauses. "Okay!" she chirps. "Just let me know when your gas leak is fixed!"
"Oh, I will!" Tandin replies, and all but slams the door. He pads into the back room. "You shut off the gas, right?"
I nod. "Do you think she's going to come back?"
"Definitely." Steela confirms. "Tandin, thanks for ditching her."
Tandin mops his brow with his sleeve. "Honestly, Steela, I just didn't want her in my house."
The doorbell rings again. Tandin sighs and heads off to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Oh, good." Hero says. "I parked in the convenience store lot, and Hutch parked behind the other apartment building. I wasn't sure we had the right building."
"You just missed it." I comment, stepping in to the front. "That Mary Sue just came here and tried to take over the house."
"Is that why I smell gas in here?" Hutch asks.
"Yeah, it's a good thing none of us smoke."
THIRD PERSON
Hero Calvert walked down the sidewalk toward Tandin's apartment complex when she realized she forgot to lock her car. She unzipped her purse and started rummaging through it, looking for her car keys.
What Hero didn't notice was the other girl walking down the sidewalk. The one with color-changing hair, eyes exactly like Steela's, a voice like music, a smile like sunbeams, and a septuple-barred name.
Mary Sues have perfect memories (except when they conveniently forget something), and Velvet Sparkles Kitty Giggles Rainbow Sprinkles Gerrera is no exception.
So when she spots "Mean House Lady," she immediately goes running off toward the palace.
Hero finds her car keys and carries on.
Ignorance is bliss.
SAW
When we finally get Tandin's gas line under control and plug in all his appliances, he clears his throat.
"While you have been fixing my gas line, Miss Gerrera and I have been talking." He says. "And we've realized that with her gone, an all-points bulletin has probably gone out."
"But won't that ruin the Lazarus project?" Lux asks.
"It's probably not for her. Dendup will send it out for all of you, assuming she's still in your company."
"Listen," Steela says. "Most of us in this room were on camera during the rebellion. The people know what we look like. If you guys are going to go out, you need to look different."
"Not a problem," Hero says. "It's not like anyone looked at me."
Hutch silently thanks the Force for his bandanna.
Lux punches the lenses out of a pair of sunglasses and slicks back his hair. The result is sufficiently nerdy.
That leaves me and Sierra.
Steela leans in the refresher doorway. "Okay, Sierra. I've gone through the house, and we've got a couple of options here. First, we can give you a little trim-."
"No!" Sierra shrieks, clutching her hair.
"In that case, come with me. We're on to option two."
The girls disappear into the refresher. About ten minutes later, the door opens again. An overpowering aroma of grapes hits my nose, and Sierra storms out of the refresher with her hair in a towel.
"You look the same," Lux comments.
Sierra snorts and rips the towel from her head, releasing more of the grape smell. Her hair is in a shower cap. And it's purple.
"It was the only flavor of drink mix." She grumbles.
Steela reappears in the doorway. "Sorry, not sorry." She says under her breath. And then in a louder voice. "Saw, you're next."
"What are you going to do, dye my hair purple?" I ask.
In response, Steela wields something even more horrifying: hair clippers.
My hands go to my soul patch. "Oh no."
"Oh, yes." Steela says wickedly.
Arguing with Steela is kind of pointless, and that's how I end up sitting on the edge of Tandin's bathtub while my sister shaves off my soul patch, and…
"No way, Steel! Stay away from my sideburns!"
"Saw…"
"Not a chance in heck."
Steela switches off the clippers. "Fine. But we do have an eyebrow problem. Hey Hero? Got an eye pencil?"
I am utterly helpless as Steela and Hero fill in my shaved eyebrow with eyeliner, and paint the other eyebrow so it "blends".
"Is it my fault that I have an awesome scar through my eyebrow?" I ask.
"No," Steela replies. "But it's still distinctive. It at least washes out, Saw."
"Unlike my soul patch." I grumble. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to grow that?"
"Do I?" Steela snorts. "It's a little hard to forget the day you got your first facial hair."
Hero stifles laughter.
"It's not funny."
"Yeah, it is." Steela starts to mimic sixteen-year-old me. "Dad! Steela! I have a beard!"
I guess I'm still angry about my soul patch, because my response is. "At least I didn't sob for a half hour in the refresher because I thought I was dying."
Hero gasps melodramatically. "Dude. Low blow."
Steela takes the towel from around my neck. "You're free to go, Saw. Tandin has some clothes on the table for you.
LUX
This is the dumbest mission, discounting the Carlaac incident, that I have ever been on in my life.
"What exactly are we supposed to be doing?" I ask Hutch.
Hutch glowers. "We're supposed to be looking for any suspicious changes around the palace."
"Right. And-." I look to my left, then to my right. And back again. "Hang. On. Where is Sierra?"
Saw shrugs. "I got rid of her."
"You what?"
"Because we're supposed to be three friends hanging out. We'd have ditched the little sister." And then in a louder voice. "So yeah, I gave her a couple credits and told her to get an ice cream."
Oh come on, Lux. Sierra can take care of herself in Iziz. You left her alone during the rebellion, when there was actual rioting. My shoulder angel says.
That was also before she escaped from jail. Shoulder Devil chimes in.
I go with Shoulder Angel and stay with Hutch and Saw.
"Dendup has militiamen checking anyone who tries to get into Yohlan Square." Hutch replies. "There's no way we'd get in like we did before."
"He knows what we did. He'll be prepared for it. What is that on the gates?"
Saw steps closer, and he makes a face. "One-way shield generators."
"Hey, get away from the gate, kids!" someone yells from the crowd.
Out of pure instinct, Saw and I turn around. And there he is.
Clad in a white button-down shirt and navy blue pants, with a badge reading CURFEW SECURITY. He takes a huge bite out of a sprinkle doughnut.
I'm suddenly very glad Sierra isn't here.
The dumb cop almost chokes on his doughnut. He grabs his comlink and lifts it to his lips.
"Confirmed sighting!" he mutters. "Get back here, Shaquille O'Neal!"
"Oh, this is not happening." Saw mutters. "I did not just lose my soul patch for nothing!"
Hutch slaps the back of his hand against my chest. "Dude. It just got worse."
"Oh my gosh, it's Saw Gerrera!"
"Look at his muscles! They're so shiny!"
"Saw, our love was meant to be! Your love will heal me from my super traumatic backstory!"
"And you can call me 'Duckling" every time you speak to me!"
"And we'll get married and have lots of kids that look exactly like us. We can name our son Gary Stu."
Saw makes a little strangled noise, and then runs for his life.
"Come back, my love!" no less than twenty Mary Sues shriek, and run after him.
SIERRA
A few minutes ago, Saw whispered. "Go check out the market, last time it was a hot spot for patrols."
So after ducking into a public refresher to count my few remaining credits, I head for Malagan Market.
Dendup didn't reinstall the ray shield or the lookout, but he did put in cameras.
Great. So there goes another semi-safe place. And Saw said was a good one, too.
"Sierra!"
My head turns.
Okay, it's dumb. Sierra is a relatively popular name, and it isn't uncommon for the Sierra the person is calling for to be someone else entirely. But this time, I can tell who said it.
Someone is standing in the street, wearing a hoodie too warm for the weather and enormous sunglasses. I can tell by the basic body shape that it's a girl.
Hoodie Chick jerks her head toward the alleyway.
How about no, Hoodie Chick?
But Hoodie Chick crosses her arms, pops out her hip, and taps her foot.
My eyes bug out, and I head for the alley. Once Hoodie Chick joins me:
"Steela? Is that you?"
Steela lifts the oversized sunglasses, revealing her eyes. If she hadn't struck a pose, I would never have guessed. She must have gotten into Hero's makeup, because foundation that's about six shades too light for her skin tone is slathered over her face. On her lips is blood red lipstick. The impression I get from the outfit is entirely un-Steela.
"What are you doing out here?"
"Just what I did in the rebellion. Everything." Steela replies. "Keeping you from walking into one of Dendup's cameras, keeping Hutch and Lux from skulking around like they're in a spy holo, all that."
She winces and momentarily takes pressure off one foot, then the other.
"Is something wrong?" I ask.
"No, just been on my feet a while. Anyway, have you seen Saw?"
"Get back here, Shaquille O'Neal!" someone yells from the street.
"That answers my question." Steela mutters.
Saw and Hero go flying down the street, the idiot cop and a crowd of Mary Sues on their heels.
The bystanders are snickering at the name "Shaquille O'Neal."
The Mary Sues are shrieking that they want to marry Saw.
And then some cops start coming up the street.
I share a terrified look with Steela. "Those are militiamen. Not curfew rent-a-cops!"
"Split up!" she orders, and starts off down the alley.
Where am I going to go? The cops will remember a girl with purple hair.
Hold on a second. Purple hair.
And that's when I realize the quickest way to get myself out of here.
All right, Sierra. Ignore your gag reflex, and just do it.
"Wait, Saw! I wanna marry you!" I shriek, and take off with the Mary Sues.
LUX
Hutch and I trailed behind the Mary Sues. Hopefully, the people in the streets thought we were just idiots chasing the girls.
Barely visible behind waves of physically impossible hair, Saw finds himself barely able to stay out the way of the girls. The Sues, for their part, are screaming some things to Saw that would have gotten me slapped if I'd said them.
"What are we gonna do?" Hutch asks.
"We have to get a message to Saw, some way to lose them." I reply.
"How?"
I look around. We're quickly approaching Malagan Market, and walking out the main entrance is a girl roughly my age. One look tells me she's no Mary Sue.
"Hutch, I need to borrow five credits."
"What for?" Hutch asks, trying to dig around in his wallet while running.
He hands me the chip, and I run over to the girl.
"Hey, you in the pink shirt!"
The girl freezes for a second, and then yells. "What do you want?"
I hold out the chip. "I'll give you five credits if you pretend there's an attractive male celebrity in the market."
The girl grabs the chip.
"Oh my Force! It's Anakin Skywalker!" she screams, pointing into the market. "And I think Captain Rex is in there, too!"
The Mary Sues freeze, then do an about face and start running into the market.
Smart move, girl. Every Mary Sue's dream is to marry a Jedi.
Oh man, does that make me a male Mary Sue?
But after most of the Sues have disappeared into the market, a flash of purple catches my eye.
It's Sierra, walking at a leisurely pace towards us.
"Sierra, how did you get here?"
"I followed the Mary Sues."
Hutch's jaw drops. "You did what?"
"It actually wasn't that bad." Sierra shrugs.
Steela's warning flashes through my head. "Sorry, Sierra. But you're Lux's sister, so you're already in dangerous territory."
I shake my head. Sierra is still better than Velvet Sparkles Kitty Giggles Rainbow Sprinkles Gerrera. Maybe.
"Uh, guys? Can we not be around when Hero opens her makeup bag tonight?"
"Why?"
"Because I just saw Steela, and she probably used half of it for her disguise."
VELVET SPARKLES
It isn't that hard to track a person wearing a bright pink hoodie, especially when you're a Mary Sue with super-perfect vision and enhanced tracking skills!
Steela is so dumb. I don't know how she didn't appreciate my awesomeness when we were cellmates. We totally could have been best friends, and when Dendup revealed her to the people we would have been heroes together!
But no. She and Bubby had to be with their stupid friends: Mean House Lady, some dude, Lux "Super-Hot" Bonteri and his sister who is in denial that she's really a Mary Sue. To add insult to injury, Steela dyed the Bonteri girl's hair purple. Mocking me!
But never fear. I have new friends, Mary Perfect Sue and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way! And they helped me come up with this genius plan to track Steela, and know for sure where she's going.
She walks right up to Tandin's apartment building, and pulls down her hood as she walks in the door.
I pull out my super high-tech comlink.
"Mary! Ebony! I found them!"
(A/N: And so the Mary Sues close in on the humorous adventures of our heroes.
Thank you Kasai1214 and StarwarsRulz for your reviews! Internet cookies for both of you (::) (::). I always get really excited when I see a new review, so big thanks to everyone who's reviewing!
I'd like to ask one thing of all of you: if you could drop a review saying how you think this story is going to end, or any theories or questions you have relating to it (the Sues, the Lazarus Project). Because when my beta (a friend IRL) got to this point in the story, she turned to me and said "How the heck does this have anything to do with the first story?"
So if you have any theories, predicitons, questions, etc. I would love to hear them. Especially if you have read "While Others Followed Orders." I would like to see how good my foreshadowing/connecting skills are.
Thanks for dropping in. I'll catch you all later)