"PJ, escort Jennifer back to the birthing center." I mumble through gritted teeth, never taking my eyes off Dan.
"Sure thing, Phil." PJ notes, before walking straight to Jennifer and taking her arm, but looking only at Dan. "Come along dear, Daddys need to talk." Dan relinquished Jennifer's arm then PJ and Jennifer lurching off, leaving me and Dan alone for the first time in months. We don't say anything for a few heart pounding minutes until...
"Phil, I am so, so-"
"Stop." I ordered, raising my hand for emphasis to which Dan obeys. "Don't you DARE say you're sorry. If you were, truly, deeply, dearly apologetic you would have came back before now." I growled.
"Don't you think I tried to?" He snapped back like a whip. "There was nothing I thought of more than trying to find the right words to apologize to everyone; you most of all." He looked defeated as he put his hand behind his back. "I tried and tried but every time I picked up the phone; I lost all words that I had thought of so," He pulled out a very battered and worn piece of paper. "I started writing them down."
"Writing what down?" I interrogated hotly, crossing my arms over my chest; but still intrigued none the less.
"My apologies, everything I regretted doing against you; against everyone, but mostly you. Everyday I would try to call you, read this list but when I reread it; I realized there was never any proper way to ask for your forgiveness." He went on, unfurling the paper like a flag, ready to raise it at any moment. "Please, let me apologizes today." I looked at the paper then at him and back again, arms still folded. Then I sighed and placed my hands on my hips.
"All right, I suppose better late than never." He looked excited as he found the first line, but waited until I said "Go."
"'The Things I'm Sorry for Most in the World'." He read the title of the list to which I scoffed at, but he kept going. "'I'm sorry for the way I acted when I found out we were having twins. I'm sorry for the way I left you: all alone and with no one to help you find the proper, tiny clothes for our unborn. I'm sorry for everything I said and thought against parents and children. I'm sorry for not telling PJ to go for it when he told me he loved Jennifer. I'm sorry for not telling Jennifer that I was running away.' But I figured, if I did, she would have told me to come back and I just couldn't." He looked at me with the tears in his eyes that stirred something inside me that I hadn't felt for a long time: sympathy, because I knew that hurt, that loss, and that heartache that his eyes felt all too well. He went back to reading but I stopped him.
"What is the thing you're most sorry for?" I asked. He didn't even look at the page of woes and apologizes but straight in the eye and said:
"I'm most sorry for not being there for everyone; for PJ as a friend, for Jennifer as a support, for our children as a father, but most of all you; Phil Howlter. And for me not being a husband to you when you needed it most." He stated without breaking eye contact, even though a tear slide out of the corner of his eye. "I still love you, Phil. I hope one day you'll forgive me for hurting you, no us, so badly." His voice cracked and he swung a fist to his lips to keep him from blubbering or worse; unstoppable sobbing.
"Dan," Now my voice was shaky but I clear my throat and tried again. "Dan, when you left months ago, leaving me nothing but a video and your llama hat; I thought, no, I knew I could never forgive you." He looked up in horror, the tears really starting to flow. "But now," I stepped forward, grabbed the paper from his hands, looked at the wrinkled, inky surface and smiled. "Seeing that you went through the same Hell as I did without you has made me realize that there is no one on this planet that I could ask for as a better friend, husband, nor father," I looked up into his wet, coffee eyes. "Than you." I hugged him tightly before he could process anything. "Daniel Howlter, I forgive you." I whispered in his ear. I felt him relax and hug me back with a joyful relish that still brings tears to my eyes to this day.
We held each other for a very long time; not saying anything but just holding on, afraid that if we let go, the other would disappear.
"I forgive you, as long as you promise to never run away again. I can't do parenthood by myself, Dan." I choked out my greatest fear in whisper. He pulled away to look me in the face.
"And you won't have to, Phil." Then, for the first time since the day we heard our babies' heartbeats, we kissed. It was long and satisfying. We pulled away and touched foreheads like we used to when we first started dating. "God, I missed you." He smiled and pecked me again.
"I doubt as much as I missed you." I assured him, pecking him back.