I'm sorry (not sorry) but this fic is no longer, ever going to be updated. It's not even a hiatus, it's just dead. The fic is dead. Here's the last little bit of chapter I wrote like two years ago.

H.

Allen had been having a bit of a wild week, which was putting mildly. In hindsight, Komui had never fully explained what it was that Allen would do as an exorcist, and for good reason. If he had explained it in full, Allen would have probably run screaming; 'odd jobs here and there' was an enormous understatement for the work that he did. Exorcists were security, bodyguards, exterminators, defence from potential sabotage – and as Allen had just found out: babysitters.

And hell, if he never, ever, EVER, saw a child again, it would be too soon.

A full-bodied shudder crawled up his spine at the thought of the kid, making him practically vibrate for a couple of seconds as his faithful canine companion looked at him in concern.

Okay, so he had nothing against children as a general rule, but he did against self entitled fifteen year olds determined to get lip action with the 'cute guy' assigned to make sure she didn't have too much fun.

With ear aching noises, Allen stretched and popped his spine, feeling the strain of too many long days in a row. He attempted to follow this up by cracking his knuckles but couldn't, thwarted by the gloves he wore. He slid them off and was glad for the privacy of his new room. There weren't many times he was happy about having deformed arm, but it came in handy sometimes. For example, the kid who couldn't stop flirting with him. The moment the gloves came off, she had recoiled in disgust, declaring that she wanted to go shopping and that she didn't want the rat-arsed thing near her.

He was just glad that some other poor sod could take that happy duty as his shift had ended. At least, that was his excuse. The other was that he had suddenly felt incredibly nauseous, which wasn't entirely a fallacy. Indeed, just the very thought of spending any more time with her had made his stomach want to do the jive - right up his throat.

The rest of the week, he'd found out the other part of his job – keeping the Akuma away from the guests, and when they could, freeing them. He'd known about the Akuma of course – you couldn't avoid them when Marion Womaniser Cross was your master. Cross dealt extensively with them and like the rest of the order, the red-headed bastard shared a strong revulsion towards them.

What Allen hadn't known was that the science division made it their mission – and the exorcists job – to help as many Akuma as possible while keeping any of the non-saved ones away from the hotel.

Flopping face first on his new plush bed, he felt the full weight of his 17 years as well as a puppy who had taken the highly opportune moment to prance all over his back, digging ludicrously sharp claws into his master's skin and chewing another set of holes in Allen's shirt collar. Allen, well used to this kind of abuse from Timcampy, ignored the puppy as he thought back to the conversation he'd had with Lenalee once he'd gathered up enough courage to ask her about the Akuma.

"A lot of them have addictions, or disease – deadly, but can be cured." She explained as she showed him all the things Komui hadn't shown Allen on his very slap dashed tour of the place. It was slap dashed because he'd basically said, 'here's your temporary room, ta-ta!' before hightailing it out of there, giving cackling shouts of 'I'm free! I'm free! Komui is a free elf!' as he disappeared into the distance.

"Here's gym," She said, showing Allen into the room before continuing, "We keep the Noah's Akuma away because we don't want them infecting the guests or causing issues for any workers. Little known fact: you can't have a top hotel using slave labour, which is essentially what the Akuma are. The science division does what we can, but we can't meddle too much."

She waved to Lavi in passing, who grinned and bowed elaborately at her, before moving on.

Allen frowned and scratched his nose, just slightly confused. "But I thought that the Noah-Millenium family owned the Black Order?"

"It's a difficult situation – a complicated one anyway." Sighed Lenalee. "We've come to a bit of an accord; we make ourselves useful to them, don't involve ourselves with how they run things outside of the Black Order, and we keep the Hotel running smoothly. In return they don't destroy us." Here she paused and fixed Allen with a serious look. "Don't mess with them. They've got friends in high places, dirt on their enemies as well as the money and the power to back their threats up. Plus add in their strong moral ambiguity as well as the fact that they are all kinds of fucking psychotic, and you've got a pretty good case of Don't Fuck With Them Or Else. My brother does what he can to protect us, the prat." She sniffed, and then smiled, a fond look sweetening her face to fairy-floss levels.

After the tour was over, and she'd showed him to his new room, which was all kinds of fancy black and grey interior design.

"Your new room," She said, handing him the keys, "there's no attached on-suite, I'm afraid. You'll have to use the communal bathrooms until you've gotten promoted when you turn old enough to say 'in my day'." She smiled apologetically at him, before she hesitated and said, "Listen, I have to apologise for when we first met. I was pretty pissed with my brother; we'd gotten into an argument over – well a lot of things. Anyway, I apologise, I wasn't quite my usual self." She looked down sheepishly at her massive platform boots for a second, before looking up again. "I've gotta go Allen, but I'll see you at dinner tonight."

Fluttering her fingers at him, she turned and left, her short skirt swishing over her thighs.

Allen had sighed when she'd left, and went to move into his new room. Her explanations had done something towards improving his overall feelings towards his new job. It hadn't, however, mitigated the fact that the Order's science division was just plain screwy.

There was a hideous feeling he couldn't quite shake off, growing on him like some sort of psychotic mould, that the insanity of the order was catching. The longer one stayed, the crazier you got.

He'd been settling in reasonably okay though, aside from that whole destroying an entire wall of windows incident on his first morning. He liked to think that he had some nice fun crazy okay co-workers, he might even (optimistically) call them friends in time.

Lenalee, although she first appeared to be a bit of a bitch, was actually quite nice, if a little bloody scary with a clipboard. It was Lenalee, she of the insane shoe choices and short skirts, who explained to Allen how the order worked, mostly because everyone else was too insane to do so.

The other two people closest to his age where Lavi and Kanda. Lavi seemed to be a pretty cool person, if a little exuberant. It was Lavi who had told him that the pay of $100 a day was only for when you weren't on a mission. Mission pay, he explained, was soooooo much more, Al me boy.

Kanda on the other hand was, well… To say that they got on like wet cats in a bag would not be far off it. There was a lot of hissing, scratching, getting up in each other's faces and shouting death threats, but they were probably going to end up good- if grudging- friends. He was perceptive though, not as much as Lavi, but he couldn't stand fakery. And unfortunately for Allen, fakery was something that he couldn't not do. It was part of what he'd learnt to present to the world to survive. Allen did, if nothing else, respect Kanda for some fucking formidable fighting skills.

His musing is broken when Tim decides that cloth is no longer an acceptable chew toy and he plants his teeth into Allen's ear.

"AH! SHIT! Fucking hell you stupid wankering mutt!" His reaction is instinctive, rolling over and shooting upwards, slapping a hand to his ear as his did so. His dog who seems to have it out for him, attacks whatever part of Allen that isn't protected by either height or his hands.

"Alright! Calm down! I'll walk you!" the puppy's ear perked up at 'walk', and he yipped excitedly, laying off his determined assault of his owner's flesh. Beating his tail like a chopper blade, the small golden ball of teeth practically flew off the bed to the door where he promptly began to try to gnaw off the handle.

I'm not going to lie. This is as far as this story goes, and I do apologise for anyone still waiting for this story to end. If anyone wants to adopt this puppy, please do. I will, for the sake of a promise, share where this was going to go: Allen would have meet Tyki in his hobo disguise at a casino, queue sexually charged card-shark flirting. Then Allen would have gone back to his hotel as would have Tyki. A couple days pass, multiple attempts at flirting between Allen and disguised Tyki- and then again between Allen and the strangely familiar new owner of the Black Order. Then, final cumulation of it all, Allen can't sleep so he goes down to the pool where he meets Tyki who is swimming naked. (They're all naked, just roll with it). There's several rounds of pool sex and then sex in Tyki's indulgent suite, before the end scene would be Allen and Tyki pretending not to know eachother, but Allen fining a piece of paper in his pocket that says 'join me in the pool tonight?'. Fade to black on Allen's smirking face.