(Chapter Seven)
Once Dee Dee had calmed down, Mark escorted her back inside. He took a seat with the others as they waited for her to go upstairs and get dressed.
She changed into her khaki sarong wrap-skirt and sleeveless khaki and baby blue seersucker blouse; choosing dark cream sandals and a matching purse. She combed her hair to the left side and allowed it to fall over her left shoulder, then made sure that it was held in place by two decorative pale blue combs as a single ringlet draped across her left cheek. Her jewelry pieces were small delicate gold hoops earrings and an aqua blue butterfly necklace with gold accents. Her makeup was minimal, only a touch of a soft raspberry red lipstick. When she returned downstairs, everyone commented on how nice she looked, though they all could plainly see that she was still not herself.
Rick drove Dee Dee's BMW; the passengers being Dee Dee, Anna, Neil and Evelyn. Mark drove his rental car, taking Charlie and Mrs. Leyland with him.
When they all entered the parlor, Dee Dee stopped at the door. "Go on. I'll be there in a minute." She told everyone, as she lingered in the back of the room. All were hesitant, but did as they were told.
Neighbors, Alex's co-workers, parents that Dee Dee talked with at AJ's favorite playground, and others had been waiting for the family to arrive. They had already taken time to view the bodies and to sign the guest book. All were still in shock over the loss that had taken hold of the community tried to be supportive of the family. They stood quietly while waiting for Dee Dee to come closer, but she continued to stand alone, her hands clasped together as she used her thumb and index finger to play with the butterfly necklace. Anna started to go back to her, but Mark and Rick had both began to move toward her before Anna could. When she saw them coming, she turned toward the door.
"I can't go up there." She said in a whisper. "I can't."
"If you don't want to, you don't have to." Rick said.
"He's right." Mark added. "It's up to you to decide."
"I know I should, but it's so hard." Dee Dee turned around slowly and wiped her tears with Rick's handkerchief. "Maybe I need to make sure they dressed them properly."
"Whatever you want." Rick extended his hand to her. She slowly took it and then reached out with her other hand for Mark to take it. The three walked up to the front together, Dee Dee keeping her focus on the wall above the coffins. When they were about five feet away, she allowed her eyes to move slowly downward to see Alex, and then to see AJ.
She looked at her family as her heart wrenched with sadness. "They're so still...so quiet. They look like they did when pretending to be asleep in the family portrait, only... different." Her hands tightened around Mark and Rick's. "Oh, God...why can't they be pretending, now? How could this be? It's not right that they're...here." She looked from her husband to her son and back again. "They look handsome like in our photos, but...it's wrong. They're in this place...in those things. They're not waking up. They're not coming home. That's my little baby. My precious little baby boy with the beautiful dark curls. He's supposed to be with me...in my arms. My baby needs to be with me." She reached out to touch AJ's cheek. Surprised by the unnatural feel of her baby's skin, she quickly snatched her hand back and grabbed Mark's hand again. She stood and stared for a moment, trying to force herself to believe that her baby is truly dead. She felt queasy at the thought and turned her focus to Alex. She was more cautious with him, gently caressing the collar of her shirt, never touching his face.
"Alex, why did you...if you hadn't..." Her rate of breathing increased, and her grip on the guys' hands grew tighter as blame toward Alex grew inside her. "It's so unfair." She shed more tears as she let go of Rick's hand and leaned against Mark for comfort.
Rick and Mark looked at each other with sorrow in their eyes. Mark gently stroked Dee Dee's back with his free hand and nodded to Rick, giving him the signal that they should take Dee Dee into the reception hall.
"Come on, Dee Dee." Mark said. "You should sit down for a bit."
She slowly allowed her friends to escort her to the hall where family and friends were waiting. Once she was seated with her mother on one of the plush sofas, Rick prepared a small plate of hors d'oeuvres and a glass of punch for each of them.
It wasn't of any surprise that Dee Dee didn't touch any of it, everyone had been hopeful that she'd at least have a bite. As people came to speak to her, she tried to acknowledge them in a polite manner, but basically went through the motions in a fog. Her mind wasn't focused on anything but the loss of her family and the anger that seemed to grow inside her with each passing second.
An hour later, the guests had finished with their words of support and sympathy and were beginning to leave. Dee Dee was grateful as she too, was ready to leave, although wishing she didn't have to return to her home.
Rick and his passengers talked about preparations for their flight to LA the next day, while Dee Dee remained silent with thoughts she chose to share with no one. Not only did she remain focused on the recent horrific events, but there was something else that she needed to deal with, but was unsure of how to do so. At any other time, she'd go to Rick with her problems when she couldn't talk to Alex about them, but now...now she's not so sure.
Those staying at the hotel, returned there for the night, while Dee Dee, Anna and Rick returned to the house. Earlier in the day, everyone's flight reservations had been taken care of, and all would travel together, including Mark who had already intended to return home to LA in a few days. He had been asked by Dee Dee to travel with the family, and he felt privileged to do so. The arrangements to have AJ and Alex flown to LA early the next morning had also been taken care of, and the clothing they'd wear for the actual funeral service would also be shipped ahead and to the parlor that Neil and Evelyn had chosen in LA.
Everyone in the Turnan household were taking time to pack their belongings for the trip. Rick tried to remain focused on his task, but it wasn't easy as he was worried about Dee Dee.
While taking the things she needed from underneath her side of the double sink's cabinet, Dee Dee reached for a small pink and white box, unsure if she wanted to know what answers it held for her. She clinched the box in her right hand and tried to keep her emotions in check as she silently questioned herself. "What am I going to do if I'm pregnant?"
She and Alex had decided on trying for another baby a few months earlier. She bought the test a little more than a week before the accident and was giving herself time to take on any symptoms. When she collapsed after the accident, the doctor ordered several tests and she was asked if she could be pregnant. When she told him that it was possible, they took the necessary precautions during testing and x-rays, and ordered a pregnancy test for her. She asked them not to tell her the results of the test because in her state of mind, she didn't feel that she could handle the news either way. The doctor, feeling that she may be right, honored her wish and explained that though he wouldn't tell her the answer, he'd give her a mild sedative to be taken for a short time, and that it would pose no harm to the fetus in case she was pregnant.
She looked at the box again, and then at some of Alex's belongings in the bathroom. Her heart pounded as the anger and grief began to build again. She took a moment to wipe a tear from her cheek and gathered more items to pack. She placed them, along with the test inside one her suitcases for the trip. When she finished, she began to prepare for bed.
"Dee Dee, may I come in?" Anna asked from the hallway.
"Yes." Dee Dee slipped into bed as she answered.
"I wanted to see if you needed anything before I turned in."
"No, thanks." Dee Dee toyed with one of the ears on her baby's teddy bear.
Anna noticed her daughter's actions and thought she may need to express some thoughts. "Do you want to talk for a bit?"
"No."
"Okay. I'll see you in the morning." Anna gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight, sweetheart."
"Goodnight."
Anna left to return to her room and met Rick in the hall.
"Is she still awake?" Rick asked.
"Yes. She'd just gotten into bed. She's been crying, again."
"I'm sure." Rick sighed. "I'll go in and say goodnight. You sleep well."
"Thank you. You, too."
The two parted and Rick went on to Dee Dee's room and knocked softly on the door.
"Dee Dee, it's me. May I come in?"
When Dee Dee heard his voice...heard the question, she immediately grew tense. She sighed heavily and tried to shake the feeling, but couldn't.
"Yeah, come in." Feeling more aggravated, she settled her back against the headboard.
Rick entered the room. "I just wanted to wish you a goodnight. Did you get everything packed?"
"Yes."
Before Rick would say another word, the phone rang.
"Hello?" Dee Dee answered.
"Hi, Dee Dee. It's Mark."
"Hi."
"Are you in bed? I hope I'm not disturbing you. I just wanted to check on you before I turned in."
"I'm in bed, but no, you're not disturbing me." Dee Dee made no mention of Rick being there as she continued her conversation.
Rick wasn't sure of what Mark had said, but he realized that the tension in Dee Dee's face seemed to lessen. He felt a bit disappointed that he hadn't been the one to do that for her. When ten minutes had passed and she didn't seem to be in any hurry to talk to him, he decided to leave her with her conversation. He turned back to her after reaching for the doorknob and wished her a good night. She barely looked his way, mouthed "thanks", and turned her attention back to the phone.
Rick returned to his room downstairs and tried to get some sleep, but found it to be a tough job as he couldn't shake the feeling that Dee Dee was angry with him. He'd felt this way earlier, but even more-so, now. "What did I do?"
Five minutes after Rick left, Dee Dee and Mark ended their talk for the night. She settled beneath the covers. She was tired but not sleepy. She really hadn't been sleepy since the accident. Mentally exhausted and drained, yes. Sleep did come for very short periods of time through the nights, but if not for crying herself into those moments, plus taking a sedative, she may never have slept at all. Closing her eyes only brought vivid reminders of the past few days. She wanted to forget those tragic moments, but reminders held the last moments of the lives of her husband and child. She felt guilty for not wanting to remember every single second of their time on earth, but also felt searing agony each time she thought of what took them from this earth.
Her body was tense and each blink of her eyes brought an aching sensation around them. At times, she felt her entire body jump involuntarily when she tried to relax. She needed comfort. She needed strong arms around her. She needed Alex to wake her from what she wished had been a nightmare.
She gently ran her hand along Alex's pillow and then the sheet on his side of the bed, feeling the coolness that proved that he hadn't just gotten up to check on the baby, or to go to the bathroom. Her eyes quickly began to grow heavy with tears. She got up, making sure to keep AJ's bear with her and went her her child's room. She slowly looked around the empty room and remembered how proud they all were to have him in his "big boy" bed for the first time.
Alex had intended to put the bed together before Mrs. Leyland brought AJ home from the park, but when he realized he was lacking the proper tools and had to borrow some, AJ had come in to find him sitting on the floor with parts of the bed scattered around him, and Dee Dee standing over him with the instructions in her hand.
"It's supposed to convert from a crib to a bed." Alex grumbled. "How in the world did I end up with this...disaster?"
Dee Dee laughed. "Obviously you didn't learn from your mistakes when putting it together as a crib. I'm telling you, the instructions do serve a purpose."
The doorbell rang just as Alex reached up to pinch her on the butt. She giggled and hurried out of the room to let Mrs. Leyland and AJ into the house. As soon as Mrs. Leyland left, AJ grabbed his mother's hand and pulled her toward the staircase. "Let's see daddy!" There was no trying to keep him from seeing the bed, now. When they made it to his room, he saw his dad on the floor near the spot where his crib had been.
With a loud gasp and his eyes widened, he exclaimed, "Daddy bwoke my bed!" He looked up at Dee Dee. "See, mommy! Fix it!"
His parents laughed and showed him the "before and after" pictures of the piece of furniture and explained what was going on, to AJ's relief. He was quite proud to have the upgrade.
Dee Dee felt herself smiling at the memory, but quickly broke down in sobs and sat on the floor with her head resting against AJ's bed; the bear pulled tightly against her chest. "I...want...my baby. My baby." She repeated over and over. After a few minutes, Anna entered the room and wrapped her arms around her daughter.
"Mom, I...want...my baby. My little...boy." Dee Dee's body shook with her continued sobbing. "It's...not right...not right. He's supposed...to be...here."
"I know, honey." Anna replied through her own tears. She remained with her daughter for several minutes and then finally convinced her to go to bed. "Why don't sleep in the guest room with me, tonight?"
Dee Dee quietly agreed to the offer. After the two were settled in the bedroom, Anna suggested that Dee Dee take the medication to help her sleep. She told her mother that she'd try to sleep without any, but after two agonizing hours, she gave in. She knew she'd groggy when she woke up, but hoped that she could sleep during the long journey. Anna was able to rest a little easier at knowing Dee Dee had fallen asleep for at least a short time.
As the group sat in the airport, Dee Dee alone at the window watching the planes. She thought of how Alex should have been taking his business trip, how they would have traveled with AJ to visit her mother, how they had talked about a trip for just the two of them. What a horrible twist of fate that they would journey to the states by plane in this manner.
(Continued...)